To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

Yeah quite. A lot of kids would eat hardly anything. It all balances out. I remember mums always commenting that DDs were good eaters when they went for tea so I'm wondering now whether they ate them out of house and home like this lad!

My 7 year old son eats multiple snacks (fruit, crackers, cheese, slice of toast etc), then dinner, then pudding (yoghurt and fruit usually). He’s on the 9th percentile, eats like a horse and constantly hungry. Dealing with the food demands is the hardest part of parenting him, it’s relentless!

Everyone approaches food differently and I don’t think there’s a “right way” with a healthy child. It just sounds like your kids aren’t as big eaters, most aren’t compared to mine.

If my son went to your house, as soon as he’s comfortable he’d be asking constantly like he does at home. Just say no kindly. No drama.

I think it would be fair for you to ask parents to send a snack with him, or just say no to snacks and offer a larger dinner (pasta is so cheap, just increase the portion) or give him a normal size dinner and text mum to say he may still be hungry as you only had enough for one portion. Then he can have something else when he gets home.

You’re doing the parents a massive favour, don’t feel guilty addressing this with them.

Why can't he go home for food n then come back after?

Poor thing, I'd be worried he's going hungry... (but I'm soft haha).
I'd just bulk it up with cheap stuff like others have said - baked potatoes, pasta etc.
And just one fancy 'snack' then bread or wait for dinner.

If it's a more formal arrangement is his mum paying you?? If not could you her for a contribution towards food?

You shouldn't allow other people's kids to just raid the cupboards with gay abandon. Presumably your own children don't do this?

Supply a reasonable snack (one biscuit and a drink isn't really enough for a growing child between lunch and dinner) and then say that's it until dinner.

At dinner give them a portion you know they'll finish and then say sorry, there's no more.

I don't think you should ban them from the house over it. Is the kid normal weight? Is there any indication he doesn't get fed at home? What does his family feed your child?

I guess you can say to parents how he's always so hungry, could she send him with a sandwich or pack lunch type thing? If he really is eating you out of house and home. But just firmly saying no should be enough.

I was taught never ever to ask for food at other people's houses as a kid. Accept what your given and don't ask for seconds. So I think maybe it's the mum's fault for not teaching this.

You’re an adult. Just say no surely? Why is he being allowed to rifle through your cupboards for snacks and why are you giving him seconds and thirds?
A drink and a biscuit when he comes round. Dinner and pudding/fruit/yoghurt after. Maybe some bread for all in the middle of the table.
Have you not mentioned this to his parent? Does your child go to theirs for dinner too?

It's a hungry child. I don't understand why you wouldn't feed him.

I had this with a friend of DDs and if drove me crazy. She would even ask to be taken to McDonalds. I just found her really rude with terrible boundaries. Felt like saying no did her a favour. You can’t go round peoples houses demanding food, it’s bad manners.

Is it possible to have dinner earlier? We usually eat a bit later but my daughter has a friend who tends to have dinner pretty much straight after school about 4ish. So on the days she comes round to ours, I give them an actual meal rather than a snack. Then they have a snack a little while after that. My daughter will eat again later in the evening if she's hungry. They're 10 but this has been the case for a couple of years now - they're often ravenous after school anyway so I just go with it instead of insist on rigid mealtimes and trying to stave off genuine hunger with snacks. It does work. Ultimately the wee boy sounds hungry so maybe it's worth changing the mealtimes instead of just dreading it.

My child is 12 and would eat like this if I let him. He's very tall and going through another growth spurt. Plate up a good snack for when the boys come in. If possible something cheap and filling - bread and spread & piece of fruit, maybe a yogurt or small chocolate bar. Say something like "here's something to keep you going till tea".

Then a meal with a good portion of carbs - again one portion, say something about there not being seconds. Follow up with a pudding, again no seconds. Not being full doesn't hurt a child, but if he's used to having open cupboard access, it will be weird for him not to be.

What also struck me is the number of people calling the child rude for ASKING for food. Not demanding it, not snatching it, asking because he's hungry. He most likely has no idea that what he's doing is seen as inappropriate or unwelcome. Poor kid.

Both boys could eat a couple of Weetabix, an apple and a glass of MIlo straight after school. Any snack larger will spoil their dinner.

Don't ask me why - but this is so funny!

I think the expense issue is a red herring. You have three children of your own, your food bill is going to increase a lot in the coming years. 3 bowls of pasta isn't expensive. If this really is an issue for you then you need to make it clear to his parents that he can't stop for tea.

If this has been going on for some time, how do you not have a better idea of his home set up? Do you know what the mother does for work? Is he clean (him and his clothes)? Of course, you can't know the exact financial situation, but feeding your kids is pretty high on the list of priorities if money is tight.
Do you ask him what he has for lunch at school?

OP hasn't actually said "I genuinely don't know anything at all about feeding children"

Let's assume she's familiar with carbohydrates and the most basic pasta sauce, shall we?

My youngest DS had a friend who came over to our house a lot. He was quite tall and skinny. He often ate dinner with us or he loved a BBQ which we often had in the summer months. He would devour a steak, couple of sausages and a chicken kebab. He ate loads and loved his meat. After about 3 years of feeding this DC meat from when he was 12-15 I found out his parents were both vegetarian and never fed him meat. I didn't know what to do. My DS had known but felt his friend was old enough to choose for himself so had never told me.

You title says "friend's child", do you mean "child's friend"?

Just make cheaper food on the day's he's coming over. Jacket potatoes - allow 3 for him. Or pasta and tomato sauce, give him loads. Beans on toast (supermarket own brand). Someone else here mentioned rice pudding. Filling and cheap.

My DC comes home from school STARVING and at 3.30 will eat a 3 or 4 course meal. But that does him more or less until bedtime, other than a piece of toast or a small snack.

My kid has a friend like this, funnily enough they are both also 7 so maybe it’s something to do with that age! She constantly pesters for snacks and last time ate an entire bag of Madeline’s and an entire bag of mini pancakes after school without me knowing both intended for lunchboxes throughout the week, this was after me giving usually after school snacks out! Now I make sure all snacks are put away where she can’t find them and I offer cheap snacks instead like toast. I also cook cheap meals like pasta where she can have multiple portions without it costing too much. Sometimes I just tell her no she has to wait and hold my ground. Or say we don’t have any dinner left as it’s all been eaten. But she’s skinny and once turned up having eaten no lunch so tbh I feel sorry for her and don’t begrudge her the food. Is your sons friend well looked after?

Does that include a fish course?

All these people say they can't believe people suggest denying food to a hungry child, sometimes this is the kind thing to do. Some kids just love eating. My child is 12, tall, but slightly overweight for his height. He isn't disabled or anything, but we do limit his food, because IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. If we didn't I expect we would end up with an obese teenager with a range of health problems. Letting that happen would be abuse.

No, and DC won't eat the bloody soup either.

😂

If it's only twice a week you can surely suck it up. I had that with my son and his friends, a lot more than twice a week and during the school holidays. None of them were neglected at home, just ate a lot, my son also had a large appetite. We always cooked big meals so it wasn't a problem.

He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

To PPs saying OP is tight and the cost of feeding this child is insignificant...

At each visit, he's eating 2-3 days worth of after school snacks and evening meals.

That means, each week, he's eating 4-6 days worth of after school snacks and 4-6 days worth of evening meals.

This is the equivalent of having an extra mouth to feed for snacks and evening meal all week. And maybe OP can't afford this extra mouth to feed every week.

May I suggest a melon fan for the starter then? Or a schooner of grapefruit juice?