To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

I think children are pretty good at knowing when they are full or not, especially when the food on offer is proper food and not junk. So I would assume he is going hungry, rather than being greedy. I couldn’t let a child go hungry. If on a tight budget, I would just make sure what I offered was inexpensive (carrots or toast as snacks for example).

He's at op's house so often she'd be better off just moving them permanently rather than shunting them to and fro multiple times a week!

But hasn't he come from school? If its weeknights? So is he not eating at school? I would ask the parents. I would want to know if my child was eating or not eating tbh.

How well do you know the mum to ask about them always being hungry?
There could be many reasons for them asking, 1. They know you will give it to them (from past experience) 2. They don't get much to eat at home so are genuinely hungry 3. They aren't allowed snacks at home or the type of food you offer them so are seizing the opportunity to indulge in it 4. I work as a MTA and many children throw their lunch in the bin. Assuming you are in England I am guessing at 7 years old they will be getting a free school dinner as it is universal for all. I think a lot of parents believe their children are getting a nice hot dinner, not realising they aren't eating it. In our school the children don't even seem to like the bread rolls so even choosing a plain ham roll often gets thrown away, and while if you were offering this to your own child it would probably come with crisps or a yogurt, the school option is only to add salad from the salad bar which most don't, and then the pudding. So some children might only be eating a slice of watermelon and picking at a bit of bread for lunch. (Before anyone asks, children I spot frequently throwing away their food I do mention to the teacher to follow up, however if the parent still continues to order them that food then all we can do is monitor and try to encourage). The ones who get packed lunch eat better as it's food they like, so if the family aren't entitled to free school meals next school year and he starts taking a packed lunch rather than paying, maybe he won't be quite so hungry after school.

Why are you having them so frequently after school? Wondering if this is also a convenient arrangement if mum is struggling financially in that she isn't having to pay for after school childcare or a meal.
Does she ever have your son play at hers? Can you ask him what he has to eat there?

“Pasta is pretty much free” 🤣🤣🤣 quote of the thread, how utterly ridiculous.

It is not the OP’s responsibility to feed this child and food IS expensive. Pasta or no pasta.

@Han86

OP described him as a sweet boy, so I think you can use he/him without fear of offending.

One idea would be to put all of the pasta in a bowl on the table, plate up a portion for them and say if they want seconds then they can take some from the bowl but once the bowl is empty that’s it. I’d then bring out some pudding and say that this is the pudding but once it’s gone that’s it.

I would also consider gently telling his mum how much he is eating. He’s not necessarily being neglected but this sounds like a very large appetite for a 7 year old. You could frame it that you don’t want to give him three portions if she’s not ok with it, frame it more as “is it ok if I give him 3 portions if he asks for it because he always asks for it” and see what her reaction is.

I mean, of course he seems like he's not eaten since lunch. He literally hasn't eaten since lunch. It's only 3pm, that's ok.

Is he overweight? I.e. does he actually need feeding or is he just overeating?

I'd say if he's overweight, just say no. 'We don't snack in this house, the next meal is dinner'.

If he's normal weight, I'd ask his parents to send a snack with him. 'He's often very hungry after school, is he eating his school lunch?'

Either way, whatever is going on with his appetite/eating habits, it's not your beef. Get the parents to feed him, your job is to host the play.

If you can afford it keep feeding the boy until you know his home circumstances. There are a lot of kids going hungry out there. I know that's not your responsibility.
He could just be being greedy but I personally would just feed him.

I couldn’t not feed them unless you really can’t afford to feed yourselves also

Ditch the pre packed snacked as more expensive. I would do something like toast/ crumpets/ cheese toasties, with chopped cheaper fruits like apples and carrots or bananas.

I make scones a lot for filling snack. Cheese or plain

Then buy the nice one for you and a bag of the shops own brand for kids/friends

i actually like Aldi essentials pasta which is maybe 45p a bag

@GazerJame does your son ever go round

do you give large /small portions yourself

my friend gives massive portions to her kids and then mine if there for tea and I remove half as she just won’t eat it all

@GazerJame it’s fine to give one snack after school then tea

agree that snacks may now be one apple/chopped carrot /cucumber or even toast

what snacks do you offer ? If biscuits /cakes etc then Not surprised he wants more. So say no more after one nice snack and rice cakes /fruit/toast after

He sounds like some children in my school who are definitely not getting enough food at home.

Can you keep a loaf of bread for toast with butter/jam on permanent offer if anyone's still hungry? Or buy big, inexpensive bags of pasta and offer that up with butter or ketchup if anyone's still hungry? Plus carrot or cucumber sticks that are inexpensive and easy?

A hungry child is a hungry child…. 😔 Like others, I would be worried that he’s not being fed enough at home. Perhaps some gentle, very open ended questions might be an idea….

Why don’t you plan on making a bulky but inexpensive meal on the days he comes round. Like massive pot of pasta and pesto and broccoli/cheese etc. We’re talking about maybe only 50p a portion. I would agree that eating lots of individual, expensive (and often not very filling) supermarket style snacks is irritating, but if he’s hungry for a proper meal then I do think you should feed him - even though it’s obviously not your responsibility…. You never know how much you might be helping him.

I'd also quietly alert his school about your concerns

Does your DS go to his house 2 days a week too? If he always comes to yours can see why this would be annoying/too much. Would just rein it back, be nice but firm and he will understand. I think it's the fear of sending a child home hungry!

Our girls were friends with neighbouring girls, two from different families, they always loved to stay for dinner and spaghetti bolognaise was really popular, it seemed like it was every week.
I add lots of tomatoes , beef mince, basil, and onions. And it was possibly served with grated cheeses, as mine all like that too.

Occasionally I had to swap the beef mince for Quorn mince, if I had no meat available, non of them minded at all.

If my girls ever went to their houses, they might get plain pasta and butter, which I thought an odd thing to give anyone, the other family might add smiley faces, which I also regarded as an odd food choice for teen girls.

One of the girls did suffer badly with anorexia as she got older, and I think her family was quite restrictive in the food they could eat.

I’d do as other say, have cheap bulky food available, toast, marmite or fruit jam, baked beans, pasta and cheese, so at least they may be well fed at your house

Ah, I feed a herd of kids regularly and I find things like pancakes, cheap pasta sauces (home made), soups are good. I also stopped buying Nutella for them and got the own brand stuff in lidl, basic brand honey etc. I still have the regular stuff just save it for my kids tbh. I'm not badly off but as you say, it's really expensive - I am feeding 2 - 3 extra kids a day, plus my own two who do sport so have appetites like crazy.

I'd say basic brand items, some cheap bulk pasta meals (I have a handful that are very cheap to make and I freeze portions) etc. I couldn't not feed a child personally unless there was a health issue and the parent asked me to refrain.

Edit spelling phone autocorrected 😅

I agree, Shereally likes, spag bol always goes down well and other pasta dishes (eg lasagne), with meat, fish or even veg if you make a nice sauce.

Cottage and shepherd's pie are also popular.

Jacket potatoes with a variety of fillings.

Bangers and mash. Ham, egg and chips.

Puddings: strawberries are good at the moment with cream or ice cream.
Crumbles are easy to make. Baked apples are lovely.

Surely adding "lots of tomatoes , beef mince, basil, and onions" to Bolognese is just making more Bolognese?

I would feed him op but not snacks as they are expensive. If I noticed avery hungry kid coming over I would give him toast and peanut butter and a banana on arrival and then a huge bucket of pasta and pasta sauce for dinner followed by a tower fo digestive biscuits. You never know what’s going on at home op and those foods twice a week won’t break the bank.

On the flip side, I know a couple who are essentially looking after some children part time, after their mother left them in the care of their father, but it started much earlier that she was neglectful and didn’t feed them.
They are not related, and now have to spend a considerable sum , as well as time and effort looking after these children.

Your house, your rules, your portion sizes.

If your DS is satisfied after one bowl and you don't want to keep serving endless portions and snacks to somebody else's kid, then just say no.
" That's all for today, off you go and play"

Unless there are serious concerns about his welfare, why on earth would OP be obligated to pander to his demands?

It might be that he's asking because when he does he is offered something he considers a treat.

I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.
That does not sound like a child who knows when he's had enough.

Ah. The weekly "big fat kids who eat and eat" thread. Who is going to do the "greedy bastard husband eats all my sweets thread"?

OP if you're a real person. And that's a big if, feed the kid if he's hungry. If you're on the breadline and can't afford a giant bag of pasta from ASDA for 2 quid you probably shouldn't be inviting people over. If you can't tell a child "no" you probably shouldn't be asking them over either.

As for those who thinks you shouldn't get food in for visiting children, what's wrong with you? Who doesn't feed guests and get food in when they know they will be in at mealtimes?

I would provide cheaper, simpler food and if you need fo limit it, say so.

I wouldn’t like to say no to a child who was genuinely hungry but it does sound like you’re getting out of pocket.