To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

If it's the cost, which is fair enough not everyone has endless amounts of funds, just buy very very cheap stuff and only have him round once or twice a week tops.

If you haven't actually said no, start being more firm.

I'd also have much less on offer. Eg toast with jam and apples, not more spendy things like cereal bars.

I have one kid that eats like a sparrow and one that eats like a hungry hungry hippo. Both within normal weights and both fed not neglected.

Also - does your child ever go there for tea?? If he's a nice kid I'd maybe be okay that the favour is never returned as it benefits your child to have a nice friend but I wouldn't want to be taken advantage of either.

Yes, it's a tricky one. I found that she was not getting fed properly at home and so she was always quite needy. You probably need to limit this but also be kind. I know it made me quite angry and frustrated at times but just remember it isn't the child's fault.

Pick up a bargain loaf and cheapie jar of peanut butter and a banana. This is a filling thing to eat after school. Make it a proper doorstep sandwich and see if it helps! A packet of supermarket own brand digestives can be very affordable too.

Completely inappropriate.
The child ideally is sent home before dinner.
You are letting bad habits prevail.

Both boys could eat a couple of Weetabix, an apple and a glass of MIlo straight after school. Any snack larger will spoil their dinner.

You need to gather your power and actually parent.State that the friend is only to come over one day per fortnight/week etc. and clarify the snack details and going home plan.

Don’t give out cereal bars or crisps or expensive fruit and yoghurts etc. just offer bread and butter or toast, filling but not a treat.

How many snacks do you usually feed your own child? And what is his portion size at dinner? Your household, your rules.

It's a 7yo boy, not an adult. If you say to him the next time he comes over, "Oh, just one snack from now on. Don't want you to spoil your dinner," then that's that. Then, if he stays on for the meal, you tell him that you don't have any left over for second helpings, end of story. You are the adult. "No pudding on week nights," is perfectly acceptable too. Or better yet, "Maybe your mum can give you some pudding when you go home."

You don't need to explain or justify this to a child this young in your own house regardless of how giving you were in the past..

I would have a major problem feeding this kid as much as you are. It's not about money, it's just that it is so much and it is happening every time he is there.

If it remains an issue after you have firmly but kindly just set the limits, then I would stop letting him come over. But first, just set the rules. He won't analyze them like an adult might, wondering why is this only being said now, etc. He's 7!

I would offer one snack (cheap snack) like toast when they come in. Then have tea on the go for an hour or so later. I would also cook a bulky cheap tea (something with rice/ pasta/ potato) and load the plate with mainly the rice/ pasta/ potato.

If they are coming straight from school starving are they having school lunch or pack up? At some schools, portions of school lunch are meager - especially as they get in the older year groups. I remember especially yr 4,5 and 6 often complaining they were still hungry after lunch as dinner ladies were stretching out portions and serving same size portions for yr 6 as reception. Equally pack up children were often hungry as their parents were stretched financially and not quite packing enough food. Some kids were rushing food to get out to play as quick as possible, others didn't really like the school dinner option so didn't eat all of it leading to them been very hungry at tea time.

Also, food availability at home and parent attitude to food makes a difference. I remember quite a few children who absolutely gorged on food when they were at school or out at other people's houses. One family were often referred to the food bank and were often hungry/ skipping meals and stretching everything they got, any food that wasn't plain pasta/ rice/ oats and had any flavour was absolutely devoured. Another child had a parent with very disordered eating and projected their eating issues onto how they fed their child (very small portions and frequently weighed them), again the child devoured all food when away from the parent. Another child had a chaotic background and often ate only crisps/ pot noodles/ grab and go that didn't need a lot of cooking and they could manage themselves. Any cooked meal was devoured and they often asked for seconds.

He’s 7. You can say no to him and not be perceived as rude. He’s a boy, he won’t think badly of you. If he’s hungry, give him toast and an apple. Don’t give him seconds if you don’t want to and if he’s still hungry, give him toast. (Unless you think he’s not fed at home. My DS had a friend from a large family and he was often hungry and ate everything unlike my picky (at the time) DC. I never begrudged him a dinner)

I was going to saw the same. Offering a carrot or an apple also usually helps to sort out whether if not they’re genuinely hungry or just seeing what delights are in offer.

Have a quiet word with school to see if they are aware of any hunger issues. This was one of the key missed opportunities with several awful child protection cases and also schools nationally are reporting on children coming in to school very hungry due to the cost of living crisis.

He may not eat lunch at school or is just very hungry.
Give him toast, piece of fruit and a drink of water and say that’s your snack. Dinner will be later. There are no more snacks. Go and play.

My eldest is like this, he is a bottomless pit. Hes really tall (6 ft 6 at 14!!) and he constantly needs to eat. I give him toast, not a treat but its filling.
cheap too!

Is he standard size?
Could you say he goes home to his house & snacks then come over.
Or send him home for his dinner.
Or Tell his mother he’s welcome at yours but you are not feeding him as he's a veritable locust

If the children like playing together, it would be a shame to stop him coming over. Does your DC still like him coming or is he getting bored / fed up of his company? If DC is bored of him, cut back the visits.
This is separate to the question of food.

You could speak to his mum about the food, but that would be embarrassing if she is genuinely struggling. On the other hand, she may just be a CF.

I would just offer lots of really cheap food, as others have said.
The worst thing would be if the boy is genuinely hungry and you are his lifeline, and you stopped feeding him.
If you suspect he is genuinely underfed at home, you should flag up a warning with the school.

If you can afford it I'd suck it up, good friends are priceless

Just put the expensive snacks out of the way and have some very cheap ones on hand. And make cheaper dinners with extra bulk when he comes over. As PP have said, a few slices from a cheap loaf of bread with a bit of jam or an extra scoop of budget pasta is not going to break the bank. Worth it if he is a good friend to your child and otherwise nice to have around.

Crikey, how to heap the responsibility onto OP, where it doesn't belong!

All that thinking (growth spurt? Sports? History of neglect?)

Rice cakes. Jacket potatoes. Extra pasta. Brands/non brands (could you get the word brand in a couple more times?) Make oat bars. Cook rice pudding.

Nuts - this is not OP's child!

Offer buttered toast or a carrot as a snack - tell him you’ve run out of other snacks this week.

Regarding pudding just say “we don’t have pudding every day because it’s not healthy . You are welcome to have some bread and butter or a sliced apple if you are still hungry.”

Regarding the pasta - my son age 6 can eat and burn off a plateful as big as my 15 year old dd. I just make sure I serve less sauce and I put out a bowl of carrot sticks.

I agree with serving toast, relatively cheap and no worse than crisps.

Christ! How big is the plate?! Or how small is the 15yr old?

I agree with others - at the moment it's not clear on whether you're just giving really great snacks, or he's hungry because he's growing, or he's hungry because he isn't eating enough at school/home.

I'd get in a big bag of apples, bananas, carrots, popcorn, bread with butter/jam/cheese as snacks, and a basic pasta with sauce for dinners, and assess whether he's actually hungry without blowing your budget.

DD has friends like this, same age. Three boys. Absolutely no chance of neglect and they, despite being quite slight/slim can just eat and eat and eat, even if what is on offer isn't particularly interesting. I tend to do the above.

Would add that I have a taller than average 7yo who routinely comes home hungry from school because the portions aren't big enough for her. She's not overweight but is tall and just isn't given enough.

He's asking for it because he will get it.
Asking is rude, and you are enabling him.

Give him one big jam sandwich

Well maybe don't feed waifs and strays with your fancy pasta. Get a £1 bag from Aldi and use that. Crackers and pasta are affordable unless she's on a severe budget.