To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

I appreciate there’s a lot of answers so far, so these points have probably been mentioned already.

I’d question how much he is being fed at home. Fill him up on cheap foods if you can, pasta etc., and it’s still ok to have a final boundary, even if you accept that you are going to help feed a hungry boy possibly in need. Maybe hope you’re not still feeding him when he’s in his teens!! 😳

Any whiffs of other neglect?

I have 3 children and I think many children are hungry after school.
When he’s at yours , I’d give a substantial after school snack like a peanut butter and banana sandwich and a drink of plain milk ( assuming no allergies or intolerances ) then they have to wait till dinner .
I would definitely not give them crisps or cereal bars / snack bars / chocolate biscuits on the days he is at your home , as that would get expensive .
Give a reasonable dinner , say you have no leftovers but offer some fruit or plain yogurt something like that .
Then you’ll know if this child is genuinely hungry or chancing it for a lot of treats .
This doesn’t mean you can never have a few treats or cake when he’s there , just don’t make it the standard?

Oh good point, yes, cheap protection if you can, and maybe some sneaky worming treatment too!! 😂

If it’s generally a positive friendship for your son I’d be trying to keep the play dates going but more cheaply. You need to start saying no. And buy cheaper snacks. Make a rule of only one snack, and then second or pudding but not both. Or whatever works for you.

I’d just let him fill up with cheap snacks and be clear what you put out is all there is. Things like cream crackers and breadsticks are super cheap, big budget bag of apples from Lidl. Pasta teas also super cheap with a basic sauce and savers brand garlic bread. Are your portions tiny? My dc eat massive amounts of pasta and when I see others portions I’m often a bit surprised how little they eat. Sounds like your dc gets a lot out of the play dates and the lad sounds hungry

Why should op buy cheap food just to feed someone else's child, what about her own children, maybe they don't want cheap biscuits, pasta and beans on toast. You need to speak to his mum, find out what's going on at home, is mum there after school, what does she give him for tea, this could continue indefinitely until he's in his teens when op own children have new friends and don't want him to come over all the time.

Can’t you make the snack toast or something? It costs very little if you use cheap bread. Don’t roll out the expensive snacks for him - toast, bourbon biscuits and pasta for tea 😂

Maybe your portions are small? My kids have huge appetites, saying that they don't go to friends homes often, my boy has a couple of friends that he visits and we host them too in return, maybe 3-4 times during the holidays and about one a month during school time. He eats a lot but I always say not to ask for food if not offered. My daughter has 3 friends that come here at least once a week, sometimes twice, so I just have cheap and cheerful food like pasta, sausage rolls, chips, tuna, hot dogs, and my daughter knows they are free to have any of those food items. I decided this was the best approach, as the visits are unplanned, and I buy my food quantities to cook all my dinners for 4, so I don't want to mess with that. This way I make sure there is extra food they can feed themselves with and without costing too much.

@GazerJame have you not communicated with the mum regarding the child being allowed snacks at yours if he is going home for dinner . Or asking what he’s allowed to eat ?
If mention to the mum tbh.
maybe she is trying to control his eating. Is he an over weight child or does he look healthy ?

My thought would be that he is very hungry and there may be issues at home.

From what you have said, he is having fruit, crackers etc so it is not that he just wants to eat all the junk food.

I can understand it is not your duty to feed this child, however, I would.

Maybe you could:

Put a snack box out filled with a few each and let the boys know when this is gone, it is gone and they are not to ask for anymore.

Make extra pasta or cheaper carbs when making tea or bulk meals with frozen veg so he can have extra.

Plain cereal or bread and butter if they ask for more. When my DD (age 8) asks for more food (usually a delay tactic for bed) I offer the plainest option, and if she takes it, I know she is actually hungry. You certainly do not have to offer cake, or only cake on one day of the week. EG. Friday is cake day.

7 year olds can eat a lot! As he is being polite and well mannered in every other way, I would assume he feels comfortable and safe with you to ask for food.

Kids who don't get enough to eat can eat very quickly and I would worry he is stocking up with you, if he is ensure when he will next get fed.

Have you ever mentioned food and meals to mum? It may be the case that she doesn't realise how much he is eating and sends him over with snack supplies?

Has your boy ever been to their house?

Depending on their year group, they may not get Free School Meals anymore. Also, the portions are not great.

If you are concerns something else is a miss, you can ask the school for advise. They may be able to put more support in for the family if needed.

It may be that he is a particularly hungry child (I am loath to say greedy) but I would also carry on the arrangement, just in case.

I’d be worried he's not being fed enough at home and being underfed at lunch. Does he get breakfast at home or school, free school meals or packed lunches?

I’d be discreetly raising it with the class teacher. Then for snacks get in a bag of British apples (cheap) and a packet of custard cream biscuits or similar (also cheap) then you won’t be as affected so much financially. But you also don’t have to do this if you’re uncomfortable.

But I’d want to know more about what was going on in his own home.

It's kind that op is feeding him but surely the priority is investigating why he's asking for so much and what his own mum is doing at home, where is his own mum after school?

Yes but op hasn't clarified if they are a family where a small chicken feeds them all for a month cos they all eat like birds and can't manage more than a mouthful of lettuce.

You know the mumsnet posters who go out for lunch on Monday and are still STUFFED on the Wednesday.

I mean to buy cheap bread if they are that type of family

Have you ever heard of the word no?
"can I have seconds of fish fingers?" No, sorry.
"can I have another cereal bar?" No, sorry
It's that easy.
This is totally within your control, especially when the child is only 7.

This, say no you'll have to wait till you get home, that opens up a conversation about his home situation too.

Not sure if it’s good for a child to be eating loads of cheap bread as some posters are suggesting.

Bread? A couple of times a week? Call the Food Police 🚨 🚨!!

@MasterBeth

i would imagine he has bread at other places not just OP’s house! Plus the way some posters are talking, sounds like OP would be giving him about half a loaf, lol

Those posters are concerned he isn't getting fed properly at home. It isn't OP's job to provide him with a balanced diet, it's his parents job and if they aren't feeding him properly then it is better than nothing and doesn't break OP's bank balance either.

I do understand the cost, particularly at the moment with the way food costs are.

But I would be worrying that the poor boy wasn't being fed properly at home. And for that reason, although it's obviously not your personal responsibility, I'd continue to feed him. However, the snacks would change - in our house, single-serving snacks like cereal bars are not every day home snacks. Toast, natural yogurt, fruit are our go-tos.

Perhaps find a way to drop it into conversation about what dinners they have at home? Start a dinner-time conversation about what everyone's favourite dinners are - that way he won't be singled-out.

It might be that his mum makes all their food and they don't have fish fingers often, so he's using it as a way of enjoying the taste as much as he can, while he can. In which case, the answer is no, that's all we have.

It might be that your portions are smaller than he's used to. School lunches are notoriously mean in serving size. Our family eats big portions (filling up with cheaper vegetables rather than the more expensive meats).

If your portions are normal, he wouldn't be having seconds. He could have a pudding.

Now, having said all that, my son says he's absolutely starving when really he just fancies a sweet treat. This does my head in, and I'm trying to instill in him that he's not actually starving. He just fancies a pudding/sweet 🙈

Why can't his own mum send him to school with cheap bread, biscuits and a load of other cheap food to fill him up.

I'd be concerned about the guest setting a bad example for your own child.

I have no idea. Maybe his parents feed him enough and he's just taking advantage of OP not saying no but it's also possible that for whatever reason, his parents aren't feeding him enough.

There are millions of children not getting fed at home for any number of reasons. Poverty, neglect, various chaotic family situations, mental health issues. I volunteer at the local food bank and the stories are heartbreaking. Surely you know that not all children are cared for?

Of course I do but the first thing to do is ask why he's eating so much and so often at op home, without knowing what the boys home situation is, where his mum is after school, if she's struggling, if she needs support which op won't tell us then telling op she needs to keep filling him up with cheap foods isn't going to resolve the issue or help anyone is it. How long can this continue until the mum qnd boy get the help they may need, we don't even know if these are after school play dates or he's coming round for his tea.