To stop letting my friend’s child come over because he eats so much?

[GazerJame]

My DS (7) has a friend from school who comes over a couple of times a week after school. He’s a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues or anything like that. The boys get on well and it’s honestly nice for DS to have someone to play with. But I’m really starting to dread the visits because of how much he eats.

It’s not just a biscuit and a drink after school. He’ll have two or three snacks straight away, like fruit, crackers, cereal bars, whatever’s in the cupboard, and then still be asking when tea is. I usually do something like pasta or fish fingers and beans, and without fail he’ll ask for seconds, sometimes thirds. Then pudding. Last week he had three bowls of pasta and then asked if we had any cake.

I wouldn’t think much of it once or twice but it’s every single time. It’s starting to feel like he arrives absolutely starving and I honestly don’t know if he’s just got a big appetite or if they’re sending him here expecting me to feed him properly. I’m not being tight, I really don’t mind giving a child food, but it’s getting expensive and it’s just a lot on top of everything else.

I’m tempted to start saying we can’t do weekday playdates anymore because it’s becoming too much. But then I feel bad because he’s only 7 and it’s not his fault. And I don’t want to make DS miss out either.

AIBU to be fed up with it and want to stop the visits for a while? Or do I just need to suck it up and plan for extra food twice a week? I feel awful even writing this but I’m not sure what the right thing is.

Give him water, and protein based meals that will fill him up more than all those carbs.

If he's eating that much he could be diabetic

What if op doesn’t want to cook cheap food and plan around this child multiple times a week? Just tell this child they can have seconds but that’s it.
also a yoghurt for after.
can’t stand greediness in anyone.
if it’s not working, stop the play dates.

I think you need to consider his reason for eating so much (poverty at home? very strict parent etc?) and also what's your reason for not wanting to feed him? Is it that you find the extra food difficult to fund yourself, or it is just annoying. Personally, I'd just go with it, but make something like spag bol - with an extra pasta serving for him. I'd rather do this than stop play dates as your DC likes playing with him so nice to foster the friendship.

The OP says he's a sweet boy, very polite, no behaviour issues

So he's not a greedy-guts, rude, or ill mannered - just has a big appetite.

I hope the OP will expand further on her relationship with this lad's mother.

Surely different kids have different appetites. My kid eats adult sized portions at meal time but rarely has snacks or breakfast. That means he can have loads for lunch and dinner but will happily refuse an ice cream in the afternoon.
How about toast and butter for snacks and pasta or jacket potatoes for dinner. Not only is this cheap but probably also better than endless and often expensive snacks.

Do you know if he then gets tea when he goes home too? I know there’s a syndrome where a person can’t feel that they’re full, or maybe he isn’t well fed at home. Or send him home at teatime.

My DD had friends like this. Their mum was also my friend. When I was on maternity leave with DC2, they came twice a week and the first week they ate all the snacks was when I realised that I need to change tactic. I bought some cheap biscuits for the cupboard for their visit and only made an effort for lunch so it was cheaper.

@tempname1234
100 % agree .
OP this child may be hungry .. if you can afford to feed him I would do so without question .

I know it’s annoying, but all my kids were like this. Absolutely starving after school. All teenagers now with no weight or food issues. It’s just they were 7, had a very busy day running round at school, prob a bit tired, and must have needed the calories.

As others have said, find what you can afford (and I totally sympathise as the price of all food, even pasta is high now). A big bowl of supermarket cereal and milk, or some cheese and crackers might work as has some protein to fill him up.

It’s not his fault, bless him. As you say, your DS has a lovely fun time with him there, and he’s a well behaved boy. That’s the trade off, if you see what I mean. He’ll probably have lovely memories of being at your house :)

How long are you looking after him? Is it 1-2 hours after school or late into the evening?
more context is needed. If he comes for a short period then I would probably give a sandwich with fruit and veg on the side and no treats as he probably gets treats at home after dinner.

Can you explain your comment in the light of the fact that OP clearly states that she feeds him? I'd really like to know your reasoning here.

Next time he is due to visit text his dm to send a picnic as you are going to eat in the park today...

My sons have vastly different appetites so I can fully understand that a boy might eat this much . The older one has always had adult sized portions - he’s well above average height but not at all fat . I think you just need to hide the snacks you can’t afford to share and offer cheap options . Make an extra portion of pasta it will cost pennies but when it’s gone it’s gone

edited to add that people do have different appetites as adults too - I have a petite friend that would class half a jacket potato or half a pizza as an adequate meal - but for me who is not far off 6ft it’s woeful… some one has mentioned a child eating 6 slices of pizza - to me that’s totally expected - I’d allow a pizza per person and freeze any left over

My DD has a friend like this. We do still have her round, but only for an hour after school and I keep it to nights that DD has a club to go to and I say we're having a late tea. She still eats ++++ snacks but it isn't such an issue when it isn't full meals.
I got burned the first time we had her round - usually at home we have a dish in the centre and serve ourselves. I had intended to eat with them, had to go change the baby's nappy and when I came back she'd eaten 6 slices of a large pizza.

Which is why lots of people are saying don't give him limitless snacks, give him extra bread or pasta.

I’d be hiding the cereal bars / packaged snacks (which aren’t filling at all and are expensive) and give him something like a peanut butter sandwich and chunk of cheese, and an apple plus glass of milk. Something properly filling but cheap.

I’ll always feed a hungry person in my home.

Is he underweight? If so, I would mention the fact that he is so hungry to the school.

Otherwise I would serve toast (ideally wholemeal) with peanut butter and/or jam. Cheap and nutritious.

Just a thought, but do you ever speak to the parent(s)? Could help in this context.

I wondered the same too. My only DC has always had a small appetite so I'm not used to the amount some kids eat!

What is your child given to eat when he goes to his friend's house?

DS (6) is always ravenous after school. He eats the same size portion of overnight oats/porridge as me for breakfast, with a whole banana, nut butter and full fat milk in it with some berries etc, school lunch, after school club sandwich and fruit then a proper dinner when he gets home. He's right at the bottom end for weight for his age and height (he is tall) I let him eat what he wants as we don't really have junk food in the house and he always eats his meals, he's also really good at stopping and saying I'm full now even when it's diverging he really likes which I think is a healthy approach to food. He has a couple of friends the same (always boys and slim) he has other friends who seem to barely eat but their parents say this is their normal.

I would never begrudge a child some extra pasta, fruit , yogurt, cheese on toast etc. NHS guidelines say a 7-10 year old boys need around 1900 calories a day and I've seen how tiny school lunches are, there are also a lot of children who just have cereal for breakfast which isn't very calorie dense. A piece of fruit and a cereal bar also isn't a great snack tbh.

Can't you just dish up pasta on their plates and when they've finished say there isn't any more? If the child is still hungry, then give him some toast or something else cheap to fill him up?

You could put the snacks elsewhere when the child is round and say you've run out so he doesn't continually raid those.

Plenty of kids of ravenous right after school and need almost a full meal. If he is coming directly from school, this isn’t in his control. Either plan a filling snack or ask his mother to pack something.

you can easily solve the tea issue by ending the play date before serving your evening meal.

The school will not be able to tell you anything; huge breach of confidentiality! However, you could make the teacher aware that you've noticed the child is unusually hungry after school - if they are aware of an issue then this might help to build a fuller picture...

@GazerJame how does the child appear, physically?
Underweight, overweight, average?
Does he look healthy? How do his skin and teeth appear?
Is he usually clean - clothes, hair, finger nails?
These things could give clues about his diet and home life.

Do you know his family? Anything about his home life?
Since the boys are only 7 you must have communication going with his parents/guardians. Who drops him & picks him up?

ETA in you thread title you call him your friend's child, but in your post you say he's your son's friend. Do you know his parents?