Not to pack for DD 15

[Bettycrocker7]

Eldest DD is a few months shy of 16.
UK holiday booked for a year now, we leave Monday morning.
DD 13 has spent the last week carefully organising outfits pj's swimwear etc. Shes also made a little toiletries bag with makeup, skincare etc. DS11 prefers me to pack for him which is easy as I have full access to his bedroom so I can sort clothes.
Eldest DD does not allow me access to her room so I can't pack her clothes. She also refuses to pack her own clothes or toiletries.
Would it be completely unreasonable of me to give up asking her to pack and just leave her to her own devices? Just had another argument with her after knocking on her door and explaining we are all finishing up on packing now and would she mind bringing her bits downstairs.
We have to share bags as everything needs to fit in the boot. Would it be the end of the world if she spent the next week ( should be 25 degrees most days) with only a handful of clothing? I have bought her a toothbrush and will pack toothpaste and shower gel etc.

Yep. She should take responsibility to pack or give you her clothes to put in suitcases. She needs to learn a lesson!!!!

Sounds like you have asked and reminded a couple of times. Its time for natural consequences to take effect. I would pull back and let her feel the impact of her choices. She will probably benefit massively long term by learning this lesson now

doesnt allow you access to her bedroom? In your own home? That would not fly here.

re the packing I would just say that at x time on x day whatever is packed is going on holiday and nothing will be added. Then leave her to it.

It’s only Friday! She’s got the entire weekend to pack!

Take the door off her room if she won’t allow access or stop all internet access and phone etc.

That’s outrageous if you can’t access her room!

Is she not packing because she doesn’t want to go? I’d be incline not to take her and leave her with trusted relatives if she is going to spoil the holiday with that foul attitude.

Not unreasonable at all. I’d be setting a firm deadline too and making it clear that if she brings you a pile of clothes down after that, they won’t be getting packed. She’s definitely old enough to be responsible for her own packing.

At 15, I would:

Give her a suggested list of items.

Offer to help her fit everything into the bag.

Provide a reasonable deadline for when bags will be closed (if you are leaving on Monday bags absolutely don’t need packed today for example)

Explain the consequences of not packing (spending a smelly and uncomfortable week with only the clothes she stands up in)

If she ends up with nothing I wouldnt bail her out buying new clothes on holiday.

Yes think I will do this, I really struggle to be assertive but have been making a conscious effort lately to follow through with what I say.

Of course just leave her. she's old enough to be responsible for her own packing.

I know we have plenty of time it's just with eldest DD everything can be such a battle and I wanted to avoid the usual last minute chaos. I also wanted to avoid her telling me at 9pm sunday she has no pjs/shorts etc. Also for the younger two it would be nice if we could start the holiday without a big drama.

I'd have had a discussion tonight. "If there's anything you want washed for hols I need it by teatime tonight to get washed and dried.

Can you please make sure your packing is ready to go in the bags by teatime on Sunday.

Not the point of the thread @Bettycrocker7 but please never have designates suitcases per person. It's an absolute Ballache if a case goes missing en-route. Spread it out between the bags. lesson learnt the hard way

Mine are years younger than that, all I tell them is where we are going and for how long, and when is the latest date to tell me if they're missing or outgrown any items. Sunday 9PM? Sorry too late, you'll have to manage without.

So don’t make it a drama. If she doesn’t bring anything down shrug and carry on.

If she doesn’t tell you what laundry she want done then it doesn’t get done and she lives with the consequences.

15 is well old enough to operate a washing machine.

Gosh, she's really calling all the shots isn't she. You're not allowed in her room and she doesn't want to pack.

Very well, she packs herself, and if she doesn't, she has no clothes on holiday. This is how they learn to do better next time.

We have taken the door off before. She then barricaded herself in the bathroom anytime we tried to have a conversation with her. She isn't too excited for the holiday, she says she is sick of English holidays ( she has been to Cornwall once with a friend snd there family). She says she isn't looking forward to the hot weather forecast and would rather be in Spain?! I've offered for her to stay at grandparents but then she acts offended and hard done by.

I was thinking the same too. From you DD's point of view she's got ages yet to pack and probably doesn't understand why you want it done today. (I see it from your point of view too but you have to see this from a teenagers perspective)
As you are sharing suitcases I would just leave your suitcases packed and ready downstairs. Tell DD that she has to get her stuff into them by say tea time Sunday - then whatever she brings she will have to manage with.
Take some clothes detergent with you so that SHE can wash clothes and re-wear as needed.

I wouldn't be allowing the "no access to my room" scenario either its your house and you should be allowed access whilst still offering her privacy - eg a rule that you knock first.

I'm always questioning myself I.e if she is old enough/responsible enough. I do look at younger dd and think well she's managed it but older dd is always reminding me not to compare the two of them. Think I need to be a bit firmer and clearer about expectations with her.

YANBU to leave her to pack for herself.

YABU to even given this any thought! Of course an average 15 year old should be packing for themselves!! A few suggestions/reminders might be in order, but that is absolutely all, certainly for a UK trip that requires no special clothing etc (you are not trekking through the rainforest or beyond the arctic circle!). YAalso BU to worry about it now for a trip on Monday. Provided you know she has enough clean clothes etc there is no reason at all why she shouldn't pack on Sunday. She doesn't have to do it your way.

I also don't really understand why you need to share suitcases? Surely it would be easier to give her a small/medium sized bag that will fit in the boot and tell her that is her allocation of space.

I have a similar almost 16yr old.

Access to room is not optional here.

Packing I would say this evening that you are putting a wash on and anything anyone wants for holiday or first 2 days back needs to be in the wash bin/on the landing/by the washer wherever it needs to be by 10pm. Put the washing on before you go to bed. Beyond that leave her to it. She doesn't offer clothes for packing... oh well she goes without.

I had a similar battle last weekend with DofE camp stuff. She went without what she didn't pack...

There has to be learning points otherwise we are raising the child-like adults we often hear about on here - and this is an easy low consequence one.

@Bettycrocker7 Shame she has to go with you really. What a difficult child you have. Have a great holiday but I doubt you will. Barricading herself in? What does the future look like for her?

@RosesAndHellebores they are going on a UK holiday by car so don't think any bags are going to go missing en route.

We always pack separate bags. Would hate to do it any other way. But we never check bags in so they are not going astray.

I can see why you’re trying to get this organised, sometimes you need things to go awry, lesson learnt (for her).

When they were younger I would text them the weather, length of stay and accommodation, when we were leaving and returning. I then didn’t need to discuss endlessly.

Don’t start the holiday with a fight over this - she sounds like a fairly normal (if private & stroppy) teen. Can you take care of toiletries and give her a bag for life to pack so you can squish it in the boot last minute? I find providing my teens with a bag helps them focus on the task. Plus, We drive and DH insists we pack everything in bags for life to make best use of the space. You could also just pack everything of hers you’ve washed recently (if you’re anything like me, you’ll be doing a big pre holiday wash) in a bag, show it to her, then say if you need anything else it’s on you.

older dd is always reminding me not to compare the two of them

Well no, she’s right, you shouldn’t be comparing them negatively.

But it’s not unreasonable to set standard expectations you expect a 15 year old to meet (without reference to her siblings)

She meets them or she deals with the consequences. No drama for anyone else.

make it clear: here are the terms, here are the consequences, I’m not going to remind you constantly but I’m also not going to bail you out.