Not to pack for DD 15

[Bettycrocker7]

Eldest DD is a few months shy of 16.
UK holiday booked for a year now, we leave Monday morning.
DD 13 has spent the last week carefully organising outfits pj's swimwear etc. Shes also made a little toiletries bag with makeup, skincare etc. DS11 prefers me to pack for him which is easy as I have full access to his bedroom so I can sort clothes.
Eldest DD does not allow me access to her room so I can't pack her clothes. She also refuses to pack her own clothes or toiletries.
Would it be completely unreasonable of me to give up asking her to pack and just leave her to her own devices? Just had another argument with her after knocking on her door and explaining we are all finishing up on packing now and would she mind bringing her bits downstairs.
We have to share bags as everything needs to fit in the boot. Would it be the end of the world if she spent the next week ( should be 25 degrees most days) with only a handful of clothing? I have bought her a toothbrush and will pack toothpaste and shower gel etc.

I would offer to pack for her (like you are for her brother), but I really can’t imagine a 15 year old girls wanting you to pick out her clothes and pants and pjs?! Obviously if you’re going to pack for her then you’re going to need access to her drawers and cupboards, not just her room!

I give my kids packing lists. I’ve done that since each turned about 7 years old. They pack, ideally using the list, and I am not responsible if they forget something that was on the list! Last holiday one child forgot to bring any jumpers, and another forgot a water bottle; I bought these during the holiday because normally they’re really good at packing, so these seemed like genuine mistakes.

That said, my teens wouldn’t have packed yet for a Monday departure. I’d make a “last call for washing you want to take on holiday” on Sunday morning, then expect packing to be complete before bed on Sunday —and then fully expect there to be more added on Monday morning—.

Obviously YANBU not to pack for her, but there are so many other things you've raised in this thread.

Why can't everyone have their own bag ? As a family of 5 we've done loads of UK holidays and packed cars for years (incl the pushchairs and travel cot years) with everyone still managing their own bag. That's just weird.

Why would you expect everything brought downstairs by today if you aren't going until Monday ?

Why is this a lesson she is learning now? Hasn't she been on holiday before? Mine were involved in the packing since there were about 5 (at that stage, obviously with help, but less and less help needed the more they pack for themselves).

Why did you allow her to take her siblings socks, when it was her fault she didn't have enough ?

Mostly though "DD does not allow me access to her room". I mean, what ??? Whose house is it ?

I agree, at 15 she should absolutely be packing for herself.

My own kids packed their own bags from Primary school age. As does the OP’s younger child.

But for some reason this specific 15 year is struggling with it. Hence my suggestions of how for her Mum to assist.

And I’m absolutely sure a 15 yo could work out the consequences. That wasn’t the point.

The point is for her Mum to highlight the consequences and make it clear that she won’t bail her out.

The OP has stated that she hasn’t always been firm enough, I was helping her take a firmer stance.

I’ve always done a list.

I tell ds anything he needs to be in wash by X deadline.

Then when we pack I refer him to list and get him to bring stuff to me. It’s always been non negotiable that when I’m packing it’s packing time. I give him warning of when that’ll be though!

Im another one who won’t pack so early for UK holiday. The weather forecast might change and in general I’m not good at choosing so in advance.
I would think myself what she might really need on the trip and which would be difficult to find things like a nice dress if you go somewhere out or a specific charger. And then I would only ask her about important things which would matter for the happiness of everyone 🙂
I forgot my mobile charger once, after one afternoon with me all my relatives wanted to leave straight away to buy me one.

Give her her own bag she can have it at her feet.
Then she is responsible for it.

You’ve taken her door off before? How utterly horrible. I kinda get why she’s acting as she is.

ok, if going abroad yes, but how is a case going to go missing en-route on a uk holiday they are driving to in their own car?

OP not sure why you're stressing about this. You've told her, it's up to her now. There doesn't need to be a big drama, you leave, she has the stuff she has ready. If she says the night before she needs stuff washed she can wash it herself, if it's not dry it will smell. If she doesn't bring her bag down when you pack stuff in the boot she'll have to hold it on her lap. etc.

Absolute worst case scenario she doesn't bring enough stuff, she can wash the stuff she does have on holiday (in the sink if there's no washing machine) or pay out of her own money to take it to a launderette.

Leave her to it with her bag for life, she’ll survive. I would be making the eleven year old pack, it doesn’t look great that the child with a personally packing service is the only boy. He’s more than old enough to pack and have an adult do a quick sweep at the end to make sure he has enough pants etc.

My ds6 packs for himself! (I do help)

My dd15 is just like yours OP - she refuses to let me help, she refuses to pack, she gets irate when she can’t find things last minute.

For last holiday I said “any clothes not in the laundry downstairs by Thurs 6pm will not be clean for the holiday.”

So she took dirty clothes. It was awful and she didn’t learn her lesson - she truly doesn’t care at all.

She also wears her daytime clothes to bed to avoid the hassle of putting on pjs. I tell her it unhygienic and gross. She yells at me.

I despair!

Teenagers should be capable to pack a bag for a trip. If you think there’s something they might forget a list to refer to isn’t unreasonable. Mine have packed their own bags since about age 10, never had a problem.

Re-phrase it. 'Could you check you have everything you need in case we need to buy/wash anything, pyjamas, swimming stuff, phone charger etc.'
There is really no need to pack now.
Where are you going, do they have shops where you can buy stuff?
You risk having a very grumpy teenager before you even start the holiday if you keep asking (aka nagging!). I haven't packed kids travel bags since they were about 10. Often arrived without pyjamas/hair brush. No big deal. My husband normally packs his own bag about 3 minutes before we leave.

Doesn’t allow you access to her room? What? Who owns the house ffs?!?

Just had another argument with her after knocking on her door and explaining we are all finishing up on packing now and would she mind bringing her bits downstairs.

Walk in … tell her to get up and bring her stuff down NOW! What the hell … are you scared of her or something?

Nuts isn’t it

I’m seeing this from her POV.
Me, as an adult, mum of 3 can never fully pack until the last minute. My brain just won’t let me. (I’m 99% sure I have ADHD).
It sounds like it’s just her personality and she’ll manage to pull it together in the end. Have some faith.
If she’s anything like me, constantly comparing her to her sister will probably make it worse.

Crazy isn’t it?!?

I like to pack on the morning I go away. It really doesn't take long and I use toiletries then pack them. If I pack clothes in advance I end up doubling up. I'd hate having to pack in advance

Not v eco friendly but I use the large Tesco snack bags and just make sure they have enough pants in one bag and toothbrushe in the other and lenses etc (if needed). If you pack the shoes and raincoat then honestly if she doesn't pack clothes it's her problem. She can share your other toiletries. Other wise again packing bags (primark) and say 5 tops in that one , 5 bottoms in that one etc Maybe she had executive functioning issues and you need to break it down for her.

@LittleOwl153 same thing with dd3 and she's 17! Went off to her dofe gold with basically the clothes on her back and after opting to slide down one of the larger hills on her backside (she does have knee issues) and ending up covered in sheep poo and mud had to wear the same trousers the next day - and the next!
Her teachers want an ADHD assessment

Some of the posts on here are borderline abusive.

OP, fwiw, I wouldn't have packed yet either.

My dc have been packing their own bags since the brownie camp days. Maybe I’d have checked it aged 7 but now at 12 and 15, not for a good few years past asking have you remembered this or that. Your nearly 16 year old definitely needs to do her own and how does she even expect you fo if no access allowed to her things. I can’t imagine my dd of the same age banning me

Are there any special needs? If there are or you suspect them then I would write a list for her of what is needed but let her actually select what she is taking

At this age she's old enough to wash/iron/ pack her own clothes. Mine have been doing this for the last few years and have never forgotten anything that has been really necessary.
As for the rest of the behaviour...time to put an end to her calling the shots!

Is she Neurodiverse?

Just spell it out to her - “if you don’t pack what you need for holiday then I won’t be doing it for you. Then you may find when you’re there that you don’t have enough clothes and toiletries and that will be your problem to deal with.”
Let her learn the hard way if necessary.
eta also give her a deadline for washing - anything you need for holiday must be in the washing basket by 5pm on x day or it won’t be washed.