Not to pack for DD 15

[Bettycrocker7]

Eldest DD is a few months shy of 16.
UK holiday booked for a year now, we leave Monday morning.
DD 13 has spent the last week carefully organising outfits pj's swimwear etc. Shes also made a little toiletries bag with makeup, skincare etc. DS11 prefers me to pack for him which is easy as I have full access to his bedroom so I can sort clothes.
Eldest DD does not allow me access to her room so I can't pack her clothes. She also refuses to pack her own clothes or toiletries.
Would it be completely unreasonable of me to give up asking her to pack and just leave her to her own devices? Just had another argument with her after knocking on her door and explaining we are all finishing up on packing now and would she mind bringing her bits downstairs.
We have to share bags as everything needs to fit in the boot. Would it be the end of the world if she spent the next week ( should be 25 degrees most days) with only a handful of clothing? I have bought her a toothbrush and will pack toothpaste and shower gel etc.

We will have a washing machine so actually that's a really good idea I hadn't thought of bringing detergent! I do struggle to see things from her perspective but I can see where you are coming from. The last holiday she kept taking everyone else's socks because she'd forgotten to pack any, she also gave me the great packing tip of who needs pj's? Apparently you can just jump into bed wearing that days clothes! A tip I must admit I have no plans on trying any time soon.

I always left my own DD to pack their own stuff at that age.

The rules were, a couple of days before, ask them if they have anything they want to take away with them that needs washing it needs to be in the basket by 10am. Anything not in there will NOT get washed and they won't be able to take it. So its on them to make sure it is.

Then they were told what time we would be leaving, for example 9am, on the dot. Anything not packed and ready to go into the car by then would not be coming with us.

Then we left them to be responsible for themselves. If they didn't put it in the basket, it didn't get washed, if they forgot to pack something then they forgot to pack it, its on them. I will admit to giving basic reminders now and then though like 'don't forget your sunglasses' and just checking they had their phone chargers for example.

Sometimes, my youngest DD especially, would be up at 6am on the morning we were leaving and do ALL her packing at that time. To be honest, if that is how she wanted to do it, then so be it.

She was always ready to go when we said, and never forgot anything.

It is much better to just give them the responsibility. Tell them how it is going to be and leave them to it. If they don't pack until literally an hour before you leave then so be it. As long as they are ready. Takes the constant stress and battles out of the equation.

To be honest, I think YABU expecting packing done today with no last minute changes allowed. She probably wants to wear her favourite top/dress/sandals over the weekend and use her makeup etc without having to have it packed and unavailable to her.

Could you ask her to separate it - e.g. she packs anything that can go in the case now (that she knows she won't use this weekend), and then she gets a smaller bag for last minute items, makeup, toiletries etc - but it might have to go by her feet if the boot's full!

Mine are younger than that and pack for themselves. I'll say a few days before "if there's that needs to be washed before you pack it give it to me by tea time"
Then I tell them how long we're away for and leave them to it. The only things I check they've packed is toiletries and medicines, if they forget a t-shirt they wanted that's on them.

My DH doesn't pack - just saying.

We love going away for the weekend and dd has been packing for herself since she was about 8. I do give a couple of prompts since the time she forgot any underwear. Dh is worse at remembering things than her! I do mine and the dog's.

You get what you settle for.

Give her bag and leave her to it. (A bag for life for example, doesn't need to be a suitcase).

An 11yo is more than old enough to find appropriate clothing as well.

Of course, I don’t pack for my 14 year old DD - just make sure she has packed enough underwear etc.
Your DD needs to accept responsibility that if she doesn’t pack she won’t have stuff to wear and she will be having to wash stuff in the shower overnight if necessary.
However most teens I know are quite “last minute” about things, and not entirely sure why you’re stressing about packing on Friday when you’re not leaving until Monday! As long as she has stuff she wants to take in the laundry and dried in time she could be doing her packing Sunday night.

I think sometimes people (even adults) need some help with things like this. My husband and I will often finish packing and then ask the other for a sense check, i.e. a quick run through of essentials, or commonly forgotten things like chargers and plug adapters.

Lists help, but ime they have to be done in the right way. So long lists of every item are not very helpful (to me), but lists according to activity are - so things for sleeping, things for eating (when self catering/travelling with kids), things for swimming... etc.

Oh come on! The girl is 15 - she doesn’t need mummy to make her a list and show her how to fit things in a bag!! ( in the absence of any developmental or educational needs). And having to explain to a 15 yr old the consequences of not packing! That’s completely ridiculous. The 15 yr old should be well capable of this and of helping the younger ones with their packing. Don’t pander - she’ll be still expecting you to do her packing when she’s 25! She’s well old enough to experience consequences for her behaviour.

How does that even work? Do you mean that he gives you his stuff to pack? Or that you actually have to get his stuff out for him??

If it's the former, I can understand this. If you prefer to share a case (I don't, in general) then it makes sense for one person to fit it in. But if it's the latter, I can't imagine it! I don't know what DH wants to take and I'm not going to make that decisions for him.

Joint stuff we will allocate eg chargers and adaptors, food, games...

Then he’s a bit of a man child and if you pack for him you are guilty of infantilising him.

I don't know why people are up in arms about the 15yo not wanting her parents in her room, maybe she's just a very private person.

However, I agree with others, I would tell her that you are leaving at 9am or whatever on Monday morning and anything not packed and in the car isn't coming. And she is absolutely not allowed to take other people's socks etc if she forgets them.

I'm all for respecting privacy/personal space etc, but the thought of a 15 year old trying to tell me which rooms I'm allowed to enter in my house, that I own, is hilarious.

Well that is pretty hilarious too. My mum would have laughed in my face if I dared tell her she can't come into a room in a home that she owns or is paying for.

Parenting has become so lacks, and kids just seem to do what they won't
They tell the adults what the boundaries are.Not the other way round.

And @sugarapplelane he has always worked 12-14 hour days. It takes me 10 minutes of headspace. He sorts out his own books/papers/chargers. He does the paying, the investing and the paperwork. Always makes sure I have water at bedtime and tea first thing. We have a mutual reciprocity. It works for us.

When he used to travel for work, I always kept a case with socks, pants, jamas, hankies, two folded shirts and toiletry bag ready for him. I still do it as he visits his 89 year old mother every three weeks and we both now need to be ready on a grab and go basis for elderly parents.

And yet MN often has a mother panicking about her son’s packing for their post-GCSE holiday, DofE expeditions, scouts, school trips etc. and only a couple of posters will query as to why they aren’t packing their own bags! Are females born with the ‘capable’ gene?

I have a 15 yo DS.

Here's what I did/do.

I tell him what cases/bags he can take.
Tell him I've taken care of e.g. passport, and shared stuff e.g. pack of cards
Give washing deadline.
Give shopping deadline.
Give packing deadline.
Tell him we're not buying stuff on holiday.
Let him know if we'll have laundry facilities or not.
What's in the holiday place (towels).
Remind him about chargers.
What the weather will be like.
Offer to check over his stuff before he rams it into the case.
Offer packing tips (socks stuffed in shoes etc).

Confirm he's heard and understood the above (important!).

Let him get on with it.

it doesn’t matter if he works long hours. I do too. Yet I can still pack my own bag. Why - because I’m a grown adult.
I don’t understand why some women infantilise their husbands and sons. They are adults and capable.
I still think you are guilty of infantilising him.

Those posters probably have husbands who don't pack either, so they think it's women's job. Personally I haven't witnessed any sex-based differences in my DC's packing ability.

We have to share bags as everything needs to fit in the boot.

Does it really have to be that way? Can you not give her the dignity of having her own bag?
It is part of growing up to want to separate from the family and become independent. Being forced to share a bag on holiday is not great.

Let her pack one or two small bags that can squish into a corner of the car, or go under her legs on the drive.

Let her do it in her own time. Remind her at 8pm on Sunday, and let her know what time you are planning to leave, so she can factor in any extra time on Monday morning if she gets up early.

I've just sent her a WhatsApp after reading your reply. Reminded her of the weather forecast and activity's planned. I've hung a bag for life on her door handle and explained she needs to pack 7 days of clothes by Sunday lunchtime.
I actually feel a lot lighter so I think I had been putting way too much though into it all.

BrilliantNow if she doesn't do it, she can't blame you.

No. Not at all. I’d say exactly the same if she was talking about a 15yr old son. A parent has a responsibility to support their children ( male and female) to develop into functioning capable adults. I am fully aware that some children and adults may have medical / developmental reasons why they may always need additional support but otherwise at age 15 - should be able to pack for a holiday regardless of gender