Page 3 | Not to pack for DD 15

Bettycrocker7 · 2025-08-01T13:33:33+00:00

Eldest DD is a few months shy of 16. UK holiday booked for a year now, we leave Monday morning. DD 13 has spent the last week carefully organising outfits pj's swimwear etc. Shes also made a little toiletries bag with makeup, skincare etc. DS11 prefers me to pack for him which is easy as I have full access to his bedroom so I can sort clothes. Eldest DD does not allow me access to her room so I can't pack her clothes. She also refuses to pack her own clothes or toiletries. Would it be completely unreasonable of me to give up asking her to pack and just leave her to her own devices? Just had another argument with her after knocking on her door and explaining we are all finishing up on packing now and would she mind bringing her bits downstairs. We have to share bags as everything needs to fit in the boot. Would it be the end of the world if she spent the next week ( should be 25 degrees most days) with only a handful of clothing? I have bought her a toothbrush and will pack toothpaste and shower gel etc.

irregularegular · 01/08/2025 15:33

RosesAndHellebores · 01/08/2025 15:22

And @sugarapplelane he has always worked 12-14 hour days. It takes me 10 minutes of headspace. He sorts out his own books/papers/chargers. He does the paying, the investing and the paperwork. Always makes sure I have water at bedtime and tea first thing. We have a mutual reciprocity. It works for us.

When he used to travel for work, I always kept a case with socks, pants, jamas, hankies, two folded shirts and toiletry bag ready for him. I still do it as he visits his 89 year old mother every three weeks and we both now need to be ready on a grab and go basis for elderly parents.

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Hankies????? I didn't think anyone under the age of 80 used hankies.

I guess if he/you always does the same kind of trip then it's just a routine task that you can efficiently do for him. I'm all for division of labour!

Personally I find our different trips all have very different climates/activities/durations and there are decisions and trade-offs to be made when it comes to packing that I wouldn't want to make for someone else, or them for me. Plus the selection of clothes to choose from changes as old stuff gets thrown out and new stuff gets bought. I don't want to be worrying that I've chosen to pack the wrong coat/shoes etc. for DH.

ThejoyofNC · 01/08/2025 15:36

Bettycrocker7 · 01/08/2025 15:30

I've just sent her a WhatsApp after reading your reply. Reminded her of the weather forecast and activity's planned. I've hung a bag for life on her door handle and explained she needs to pack 7 days of clothes by Sunday lunchtime.
I actually feel a lot lighter so I think I had been putting way too much though into it all.

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Sunday lunchtime is a ridiculously long deadline. She's in her room now, do the following.

Open her door.
Hand her the bag.
Tell her to pack and stand there watching her until it's finished.
Tell her that she has no authority to ban you from a room that you own. She's a child.

Original poster

Bettycrocker7 · 01/08/2025 15:37

takealettermsjones · 01/08/2025 15:02

To be honest, I think YABU expecting packing done today with no last minute changes allowed. She probably wants to wear her favourite top/dress/sandals over the weekend and use her makeup etc without having to have it packed and unavailable to her.

Could you ask her to separate it - e.g. she packs anything that can go in the case now (that she knows she won't use this weekend), and then she gets a smaller bag for last minute items, makeup, toiletries etc - but it might have to go by her feet if the boot's full!

She hasn't left the house in over a week, and has only changed her clothes once or twice in that time. She has a laundry basket in her room, which is full but she does bring that down once a week. She only wears makeup if she is meeting a friend but hasn't done that since school broke up for summer holidays. It's not that she wants her stuff to hand its more she wants it both ways I think. So she doesn't want me to pack for her and be in her space but she also doesn't want to pack herself. The only reason I've been trying to get her to make a start on the packing is because I'm trying to avoid a last minute argument with her before the holiday.

OP posts:

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 15:53

Bettycrocker7 · 01/08/2025 15:37

She hasn't left the house in over a week, and has only changed her clothes once or twice in that time. She has a laundry basket in her room, which is full but she does bring that down once a week. She only wears makeup if she is meeting a friend but hasn't done that since school broke up for summer holidays. It's not that she wants her stuff to hand its more she wants it both ways I think. So she doesn't want me to pack for her and be in her space but she also doesn't want to pack herself. The only reason I've been trying to get her to make a start on the packing is because I'm trying to avoid a last minute argument with her before the holiday.

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Is there a reason. Is she depressed? Thats not good for mental health

WWomble · 01/08/2025 15:54

I understand you wanting to get organised but I think YABU on your timescale, it’s only Friday, you have 3 more nights at home before you leave!

I would text her a list of clothes that she needs as well as the weather and activities to allow for in her packing. By texting you are passing the responsibility on to her without the need to nag as it’s all recorded to help her.

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 01/08/2025 15:57

Bettycrocker7 · 01/08/2025 15:00

We will have a washing machine so actually that's a really good idea I hadn't thought of bringing detergent! I do struggle to see things from her perspective but I can see where you are coming from. The last holiday she kept taking everyone else's socks because she'd forgotten to pack any, she also gave me the great packing tip of who needs pj's? Apparently you can just jump into bed wearing that days clothes! A tip I must admit I have no plans on trying any time soon.

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Actually, I agree with her on "who needs pjs". I just wear the t shirt that I wore during the day in bed as I shower in the morning. I think it is a waste to wear a different top in bed. I wouldn't do it of course, if I showered before bed.

limescale · 01/08/2025 15:58

runningonberocca · 01/08/2025 15:10

Oh come on! The girl is 15 - she doesn’t need mummy to make her a list and show her how to fit things in a bag!! ( in the absence of any developmental or educational needs). And having to explain to a 15 yr old the consequences of not packing! That’s completely ridiculous. The 15 yr old should be well capable of this and of helping the younger ones with their packing. Don’t pander - she’ll be still expecting you to do her packing when she’s 25! She’s well old enough to experience consequences for her behaviour.

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If it's the first time someone has had to pack for say an overseas holiday (flying), it's not unreasonable to go over what they need to know.

RosesAndHellebores · 01/08/2025 15:58

@irregularegular aah the hankies. Old fashioned monogrammed ones that he likes ironed and folded a particular way. He’s 64 today!

Lavender14 · 01/08/2025 15:58

I'd give her a deadline for washing/drying / buying anything she might be in need of and if she misses the deadline then that's her choice, she's had the warning and you won't be continuing to remind her about it. Tell her if she wants help to double check a packing list or similar you're available until a certain time. Then follow through and leave her to it.

You don't get access to her room, how much unsupervised smart phone time does she get in her room? I think there needs to be some boundaries to this, even if she lived independently in supported accommodation at that age her room would be checked monthly for her safety.

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2025 16:02

I think she needs to bring her washing down now

And you need to sort out access to her room when you come back

Morgenrot25 · 01/08/2025 16:03

Hi DD,
I know you've not packed yet, and that's fine, but can you think about what you're planning to take please? I won't be doing any last minute washing/drying, so if there's anything you really fancy taking then please make sure it's in the wash by [insert last wash time] please? You'll have [insert amount of room in bag/bag size], and I'll help you if you like - sooner rather than later though. The weather looks to be [insert weather].

ConflictofInterest · 01/08/2025 16:07

I think you'll feel much better for stepping back now. Do you think this is her way of rebelling against you and her siblings extra organised behaviour? My DC pack for themselves since they were little, I just double check they've got swimwear, water bottle and a packable raincoat to make the first day go more smoothly. It's my DH I've struggling to step away from, as I'm really organised and like to take everything for every eventuality and his idea of packing is stuffing a spare t-shirt into a small rucksack as he runs out the door. We regularly arrive at places to find he needs to go and buy clothes, swimwear and toiletries, but do you know what, it's never mattered and I just smile and pour myself a drink while he rushes off to see if the caravan park shop sells novelty crab swim shorts in his size. Just leave her and see how it goes. Worst case scenario you have to pop to the shops.

Radiowaawaa · 01/08/2025 16:09

RosesAndHellebores · 01/08/2025 15:22

And @sugarapplelane he has always worked 12-14 hour days. It takes me 10 minutes of headspace. He sorts out his own books/papers/chargers. He does the paying, the investing and the paperwork. Always makes sure I have water at bedtime and tea first thing. We have a mutual reciprocity. It works for us.

When he used to travel for work, I always kept a case with socks, pants, jamas, hankies, two folded shirts and toiletry bag ready for him. I still do it as he visits his 89 year old mother every three weeks and we both now need to be ready on a grab and go basis for elderly parents.

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I think this is quite sweet. You obviously respect and care for each other, quite rare now!

irregularegular · 01/08/2025 16:13

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 01/08/2025 15:57

Actually, I agree with her on "who needs pjs". I just wear the t shirt that I wore during the day in bed as I shower in the morning. I think it is a waste to wear a different top in bed. I wouldn't do it of course, if I showered before bed.

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I just don't wear pjs at all! Might pull on comfy pj bottoms to lounge in if I get changed after work or exercise. But not on holiday.

I do find a very lightweight dressing gown/robe a useful thing to pack however.

BogRollBOGOF · 01/08/2025 16:18

runningonberocca · 01/08/2025 15:33

No. Not at all. I’d say exactly the same if she was talking about a 15yr old son. A parent has a responsibility to support their children ( male and female) to develop into functioning capable adults. I am fully aware that some children and adults may have medical / developmental reasons why they may always need additional support but otherwise at age 15 - should be able to pack for a holiday regardless of gender

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Mine have executive function issues so need more assistance than typical for their age. My 14yo works to a list and we check it together. 12yo struggles with a traditional list so I put it on an online spinner to gamify it and it spins one task at a time e.g. 9x pants.

But packing for themselves is still a skill that they need to learn and they learn with time by doing it. Low-stakes failure is also educational.

They are given the deadlines in advance for wash by, and putting laundry away so it's together to be found easily.

I keep my lists in a notebook (particularly for the complexities of camping) so I can refer to them from one year to the next... although that does run the risk of forgetting omitted items from one year to the next

LadyCankleOfGrantham · 01/08/2025 16:20

Leave her to it and if she forgets things it’s on her

I do however think packing 3 nights early is OTT. Why not just do it Sunday evening? I’d need half the things I’d packed over the weekend!

columnatedruinsdomino · 01/08/2025 16:27

Why do you need to share cases/holdalls? You said it was because they all need to fit into the boot of the car. Not sure I understand why each piece of luggage can’t just hold one person’s stuff. Also no need for dd’s luggage until loading imo.

MargaritaPracticallyCan · 01/08/2025 16:30

My DS2 (19) was an absolutely nightmare for two recent overseas trips, both without us, but we wanted to support him have the best experience, so clearly were on hand to help him sort out what he needed. However he refused to plan and pack in advance - so I scribbled a list of things he might want to take, and left him to it.
He spent a week sweltering in the Med in heavy denim and black t-shirts, and then learnt to pack appropriately for his next trip. Sometimes you've just got to let them learn from experience, frustrating as it is.

outerspacepotato · 01/08/2025 16:30

At 15 nearly 16 she's well able to pack for herself. If she doesn't want to, tough. She gets to wear what she has on and everyone complains she smells bad or whatever. If she tries to take someone else's stuff, that's a no. She can do laundry on vacation.

She can't deny you access to a room in your home. That's really unsafe. Offer her a knock first policy, but you will have access.

If she's staying in her room and going out so little, I'd be accessing short term mental health care for her.

Reliablesource · 01/08/2025 16:38

Your 15 year old child does not allow you access to her bedroom?! Fuck that! The packing is the least of your worries with her, if you don’t stamp out that kind of behaviour pretty damn quick.

Reliablesource · 01/08/2025 16:40

MargaritaPracticallyCan · 01/08/2025 16:30

My DS2 (19) was an absolutely nightmare for two recent overseas trips, both without us, but we wanted to support him have the best experience, so clearly were on hand to help him sort out what he needed. However he refused to plan and pack in advance - so I scribbled a list of things he might want to take, and left him to it.
He spent a week sweltering in the Med in heavy denim and black t-shirts, and then learnt to pack appropriately for his next trip. Sometimes you've just got to let them learn from experience, frustrating as it is.

19? You mean your ADULT son? But you still run round after him like he’s 7… Bloody hell.

MoggetsCollar · 01/08/2025 16:42

We came to Cornwall this morning. I just told 15yo DS that I wanted his bag on the landing by 6pm last night. He did a load of laundry for himself during the day and bag was at the front door on time.

OP I think you should provide DD with her own bag, smaller if necessary, and leave her to it. It sounds like maybe you make too big of a deal out of packing. Nobody needs to be packing for a whole weekend for a UK holiday.

PrincessOfPreschool · 01/08/2025 16:45

YABU for making her pack so early. We would all be packing on Sunday pm at the earliest!! Poor DD. She will get it done but it's a bit extra to be packed so far in advance. Let her do it in her own time for goodness sake. If I had a mum like you, I would rebel big time. You sound far too controlling.

Also your DS can pack his own stuff. Mine have been packing since about 10. From younger I gave them a list and got them to put stuff on their beds to check it was all there. Then I gave just gave them a list (eg. 2 shorts, 5 T shirts, toothbrush etc) and expected them to do it.

runningonberocca · 01/08/2025 16:50

It’s just dawned on me that the holiday is in the UK. I really don’t understand the pressure to have everything packed right away. She can pack Sun night or get up early on Monday and do so . She may focus on the task better when under pressure ( I know I do!) and if she doesn’t pack them she’s going to be stuck in what she’s wearing.
But given the updates about her staying in her room all the time, only changing her clothes once or twice a week and not going out to see friends I think there may be far bigger issues here than her not wanting to pack right away. What’s going on for her? Is she depressed? Maybe she’s feeling so awful that she can’t face the thought of a holiday and can’t summon up any motivation to pack. Talk to her OP. And not just to pressure her to pack but to find out what the hell is happening

parakeet · 01/08/2025 16:51

I seem to be in the minority here but I think you have created unnecessary drama by expecting the whole family to pack so ridiculously early. If it were me, I would be packing Monday morning (unless leaving before 8.00am say). Insisting on suitcase sharing also seems provocative. I can't believe there isn't really room in the boot for a small case/bag, just for her.

Just give her the case and leave her to it. She must be capable of using the washing machine. You literally don't have to say another word to her about it. Give her the time you are leaving on Monday (brought forward by 30 minutes obvs) and that's it, drama over.