Not to pack for DD 15

[Bettycrocker7]

Eldest DD is a few months shy of 16.
UK holiday booked for a year now, we leave Monday morning.
DD 13 has spent the last week carefully organising outfits pj's swimwear etc. Shes also made a little toiletries bag with makeup, skincare etc. DS11 prefers me to pack for him which is easy as I have full access to his bedroom so I can sort clothes.
Eldest DD does not allow me access to her room so I can't pack her clothes. She also refuses to pack her own clothes or toiletries.
Would it be completely unreasonable of me to give up asking her to pack and just leave her to her own devices? Just had another argument with her after knocking on her door and explaining we are all finishing up on packing now and would she mind bringing her bits downstairs.
We have to share bags as everything needs to fit in the boot. Would it be the end of the world if she spent the next week ( should be 25 degrees most days) with only a handful of clothing? I have bought her a toothbrush and will pack toothpaste and shower gel etc.

How is she going to learn if you keep doing it for her? She’s 15 not 5. I’d take what she packed and nothing more. You told her, she didn’t want to listen. Let her learn the hard way.

Provide her with list, tell her you won’t remind her again but will be leaving at X time, packed or not, up to her. What she brings then is up to her. Make sure you have got passport if needed and let the rest play out 🤷‍♀️ You have done all you can…

Agreed. A bit pathetic really. I have a ‘big’ job, work full-time etc. It would feel so odd to be packed-for!

It’s a very aggressive and abusive gesture.

Wow most of you have forgotten what its like to be a teenager then. Hornonal irritable lazy or were you all golden? Tell her what is expected and by when and the consequences of not. Thats it. No more. Its probably your stress and your "nagging " making her dig her heels in. Chill out. Those of you condoning removing bedroom doors unless is as as self harm/ drug use prevention this is the worst advice ever and the exact sort if reason therapy is such a lucrative career choice!!

Honestly OP if I was your daughter I would be rebelling against your micromanaging style.
She doesn’t need to change bedding every week, or bring washing down every 2 days.

She doesn’t need to have packed 3 days or even the day before a holiday or have her things packed into colour coded cubes just because that’s the way you like doing it!

You may find that a large proportion of the population does not do it your way!

Relax !
My kids have done their own holiday packing since they were 8.

Yeah. 16, her choice. You can advise, ask, insist and let her know what the consequences are for her choices and actions.

I would definitely let her do as she likes if she doesn't want to listen and suffer the consequences. She'll have to do with a fewer change of clothes and be less prepared. Let her deal with the natural consequences coming from this. At 16 she should know better.

So she’s brought the bag down with a few items in. You’ve gone through it and decided there isn’t enough and have added to it. Are you now going to transfer everything to colour coded cubes? Won’t she be annoyed that you are touching all her stuff and repacking it? I feel rebellious just thinking about it!

Just why did you cave in and backtrack on your perfectly reasonable boundaries?
Just why?

All kids are different but the way I do packing for both of mine is: the day before we leave, I tell them to lay out on their bed everything they want to take on the trip. I can then check there is nothing missing and help them pack it.

To be fair, though, I would not allow a 15 year old child to bar my access to their bedroom - that's bonkers, you need to assert your authority. You are the adult here. So I would have already checked their closets a week or so beforehand to know whether they needed new swimming costumes, or a couple of t-shirts, or whatever, to cover them.

You conflict avoidance with your DD is not doing you, or her, any good.

My son doesn’t have a door to his room but that’s because it broke and still hasn’t been replaced (about five years later). I really must get it replaced 🫤. I’d never remove it as some kind of punishment, that’s crazy.

Maybe you should just leave her with her grandparents, because your going to have the same problem next year.
Why spoil everyone else’s holiday with a moaning teenager on tow!.

Sounds like me!! 🤣 DH now supervises my packing when we go anywhere 🤦🏻‍♀️

My parents did it to me when I was a similar age. I was 14 with poor mental health, self harming, struggling with my changing body and they took away any privacy I had because I didn’t adhere to their overly strict rules. They talk about it now as if it’s a funny story and have no idea of the impact it had on me.

Yep. It’s awful. It’s humiliating. I have even seen parents on social media boasting about it like it is good parenting. I think it’s dreadful and not the solution to any teen issue.

How old is he? Doesn’t he mind?

He’s 20😄 No he doesn’t because luckily his room is to one side where there’s another door that shuts that area off so if he closes that it can still give him privacy (even when his gf stays) without his room having an actual door. (Like a ‘wing’ but not that fancy more of an angle). If his room wasn’t situated that way then I would have replaced the door when it broke. Removing a door, unless for real safety issues, is a terrible punishment for a teen.

You could make things easier by giving her her own bag . Its a bit mad she doesnt have one at her age.
Then all you have to do is tell her she needs 7 days of everything.

If she hasn't packed stuff then thats her choice and she can cope with the consequences when on holiday.
She will probably always remember and make the effort in the future.

Okay, so in effect he does have a bedroom door then. That’s good.

Well it’s clear who’s the boss in your house and it isn’t you!
She doesn’t always go to school.
She doesn’t allow you in her room. Of course she’s allowed privacy but a knock on the door before entering respects that.
She doesn’t bring down plates/cups etc even though you’ve asked.
She doesn’t want to go on this holiday but she doesn’t want the alternative of staying with grandparents either.
She packed a handful of items for the holiday but why did you add to it?! What is that teaching her?!
I hope you’re having a nice holiday but I can just imagine she’s like a dark cloud over you all.

Then remove that door too and put a curtain up it will be a pain but you should only need it a few days until she gets the message she's a child stop letting her call the shots

As for packing make it perfectly clear it needs to be done by x time and if she's not packed she goes in what she's wearing she's had ample time to sort herself out

No it’s more a hallway door. There’s no door to his actual room.

I think the "does not allow access" is a bit of a red herring and is probably meaning the DD doesn't want her parents going in there when she's not in there and doesn't want anyone going in without knocking when she is in there.

Surely by 15 sons and daughters should have been taught how to/what to pack for holidays. We started by involving our kids from an early age by talking to them as we packed for them, then we progressed to letting them get their clothes out and putting them onto the bed so that we could check suitability and quantity before we assisted them in packing the case, then moved onto just checking before letting them pack the case themselves and then once we were happy they knew what to do by 13/14 they were more than capable of doing it themselves. I did have list that I printed off for them initially as a reminder with anything specific to the type of holiday added on to assist them.

Taking the door off her room is not reasonable or appropriate. It is bullying.

Do better.