Not to pack for DD 15

[Bettycrocker7]

Eldest DD is a few months shy of 16.
UK holiday booked for a year now, we leave Monday morning.
DD 13 has spent the last week carefully organising outfits pj's swimwear etc. Shes also made a little toiletries bag with makeup, skincare etc. DS11 prefers me to pack for him which is easy as I have full access to his bedroom so I can sort clothes.
Eldest DD does not allow me access to her room so I can't pack her clothes. She also refuses to pack her own clothes or toiletries.
Would it be completely unreasonable of me to give up asking her to pack and just leave her to her own devices? Just had another argument with her after knocking on her door and explaining we are all finishing up on packing now and would she mind bringing her bits downstairs.
We have to share bags as everything needs to fit in the boot. Would it be the end of the world if she spent the next week ( should be 25 degrees most days) with only a handful of clothing? I have bought her a toothbrush and will pack toothpaste and shower gel etc.

My sons are early 20s and I am allowed access to their rooms anytime (obviously I knock if they're in). I understand teens wanting privacy but making it a no access area is not on.

Agreed!
OP, it's YOUR house. I understand knocking before entering, as privacy is important, but to say no access to her room at all is well out of order.

What is it with Mumsnetters and removing the door from their kids rooms?

I have a DD15 & just give her a list of what she needs & tell her to put it on my bed for packing. I'm a notorious late packer though, so even if we're going abroad I only tend to pack the night before (or morning if it's an afternoon departure).

Sorry for not replying a few of us have been unwell.
Phew only on mumsnet would you be told you risk your child "unaliving" themselves from a packing post.
I posted because I genuinely question myself sometimes. Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough?
None of the behaviours I have posted about have been "sudden" as one poster claimed. Eldest dd has been like this for a few years now and we have explored every possible avenue to determine if something else is at play. Between multiple counsellors, camhs, GPs, learning support and the sen team it's pretty much been determined that she is a very typical moody teenager with a (huge) chip on her shoulder who can not cope with any authority figure telling her what to do. In terms of comparing her to her siblings, that stems from conversations that go something like this. Eldest dd " can I do x today? " I will reply " Unfortunately not today because you diddnt go to school or clean your room as asked" Eldest dd " but dsis is allowed to do x today " Me - " that's because she went to school and tidied her room" Eldest dd " you mustn't compare us"
To the poster who worried about cleaning her room, Eldest dd has a small list of chores for example empty bin weekly, strip bedding weekly, bring washing down every other day, bring cups/plates down every day. She doesn't do any of these things. She may bring her washing and cups down once a week if shes running low on things she needs. I do give her room a deep clean every now and again when she's out or at school. This then causes a row because I have invaded her space. I have tried everything ranging from heart to hearts, pocket money incentives, reward charts when younger. I am making a conscious effort to follow through with things lately. I can be a push over and I am really working on myself to be a more consistent parent. My younger two are not perfect but it's fair to say they don't have behaviour issues. They are very much praise and reward children who wouldn't think twice to run the hoover round if asked. Children are allowed to be different it's just a challenge adjusting your parenting style sometimes but I am getting better at this.

Never packed for mine once at secondary school
Would maybe give reminders about things they might not think of eg rain jacket if summer but we going to Scottish island
Also ,while respecting privacy, always have access to children’s rooms in my home

It never ceases to amaze me how many MNers seem to think it’s entirely normal for teens to be rude and downright horrible.

Of course they should…….both mine did and my siblings and I had to do it when we lived at home too. But the OP is denied access to the room……..hence I asked who’s doing it! Not an unreasonable question is it?

Also I would love to pack for her, I genuinely enjoy it and it gives me a sense of box checked if that makes sense.
She has been on holiday before which included a trip to a very cold country for which she packed thin hawaiian printed clothing and the trip to the 40 degree heat island for which she packed chunky knit jumpers.

Not going out at all since school broke up and not being able to pack is ringing alarm bells for me with Autism. Girls present very differently to boys and are good at masking when needed i.e. school so often not picked up on as easily as boys with that diagnosis. I realise SEN is like Mumsnet bingo and some one always puts forward something like this in these threads. Maybe read up on Autism in women and girls and see if you think it applies.
The change of scene of going on a holiday is a big trigger for us and often results in a melt down even if all the packing/planning has been done.
I would certainly carry on with the pack your own stuff plan. Now is a good time to reinforce your boundaries and for DD to realise you are not a skivvy sent to sort everything out for her.
Hope you have a good holiday. Take some gin!

Also, our boot is small but I have got colour coded packing cubes in a solid non transparent material. These will go inside the larger bags. I hope this alleviates the fears for the poster who was concerned about the shared bag situation.

My 15 yo dd wanted to pack a week before we were going away! Her 19 yo brother wasn’t as enthusiastic, although I did manage to get him to leave out 8 trousers/tops/underwear and 2 sets of PJs.

I would ask your DD - can you have your packing done by X time, or would you like me to choose your outfits for the week?
Sincerely doubt she’d like that option…
Also reiterate her option to stay with Grandma if she wants to (but, of course, she’d have to pack to go there, too..) 🤣

Stop trying to be her friend. You’re the adult and it’s your house your rules.

Has she done her packing?

@Bettycrocker7 "Children are allowed to be different it's just a challenge adjusting your parenting style sometimes but I am getting better at this."

I love this sentence OP. You're spot on, and it's a much more productive stance than "well my other kids are fine so it can't be a parenting problem", which you see too often.

So this is part of a much bigger pattern. It would be daft to suddenly expect a different result I suppose. I do understand the frustration. It was so much easier when they were little.

Misunderstood. Apologies. I thought you meant it was the mum's job and her being denied access automatically meant it wasn't being done.

Eldest DD does not allow me access to her room so I can't pack her clothes. She also refuses to pack her own clothes or toiletries.

The consequence of her behaviour is that she takes what she wants and if that’s nothing then she will have nothing. Is she angling for a big shopping trip on holiday? Or trying to stay at home?

She sounds like an entitled ungrateful brat. Does she even want to go?

My 13yo DD learnt the hard way this year, insisted on packing her own things, she apparently knew what to pack, we spent 5 days of her complaining she was hot and had no clothes, she’s only packed tracksuits and jeans with one strappy top, no underwear, it was absolutely swealtering every day. On day 1 we changed our plans which allowed us to do some shopping but she was too interested in makeup and smellys she ran out of time to buy any clothes, again we warned her earlier on in the day. She ended up borrowing our friends 10yo DDs shorts one day because her 11yo sister refused to let her touch her clothes as payback for never letting her borrow anything. Karmas a bitch. We went for a long weekend last month and she asked me what to pack 😂

She's bought the bag I put on her door handle down. 3 tshirts, 1 bikini, a belt and a dress. From the clean washing I've packed some tops, bottoms, hoodies and underwear. It's not great but it's enough for 2/3 days and she can use the washing machine if needed.

She’s 16 and has every right to privacy in her own home, who the hell takes the door off because a teen doesn’t want other ppl in her room , it’s a pretty normal thing to knock and ask to come in, I never entered my sons room without asking when he was that age or my now step sons at a similar age, it’s called respecting privacy and it’s not hard, plenty of things need punishing and this isn’t it

the packing thing yeh she needs to learn the hard way if she doesn’t want to pack she goes on holiday without what she wants and needs and learns a lesson

i lived on my own at 16, I don’t think many 16 year olds would survive long in that situation as everything is done for them

Never mind the packing issues, you need to introduce her to the phrase “My gaff, my rules” pretty soon.

Yeah. There's respecting her privacy, which I am all for. And there's "does not allow me access" which feels like a big red flag.
Who cleans that room?

Nonetheless, I wouldn't insist on packing for her - let her get on with it herself and stand by the consequences of her behaviour.

You'd better be ready to deal with delay in the morning when you are already to go and she suddenly realises that she hasn't got anything packed!

Oh that's my daughter to a t! The Highlands holiday in her flimsy hawaiian print co-ord brings back such fond memory's 🤣