Not to pack for DD 15

[Bettycrocker7]

Eldest DD is a few months shy of 16.
UK holiday booked for a year now, we leave Monday morning.
DD 13 has spent the last week carefully organising outfits pj's swimwear etc. Shes also made a little toiletries bag with makeup, skincare etc. DS11 prefers me to pack for him which is easy as I have full access to his bedroom so I can sort clothes.
Eldest DD does not allow me access to her room so I can't pack her clothes. She also refuses to pack her own clothes or toiletries.
Would it be completely unreasonable of me to give up asking her to pack and just leave her to her own devices? Just had another argument with her after knocking on her door and explaining we are all finishing up on packing now and would she mind bringing her bits downstairs.
We have to share bags as everything needs to fit in the boot. Would it be the end of the world if she spent the next week ( should be 25 degrees most days) with only a handful of clothing? I have bought her a toothbrush and will pack toothpaste and shower gel etc.

Take her door off? WTF? Do people really treat their teenagers like this?

Let her last minute pack.

I agree but wonder if she does not want to go and this is her way of rebelling against the family holiday.

Not allowed in her room. Who pays the bills for the house? Why are you tiptoeing around her?

get the washing done as sounds like she might need clothes.

tell her you are packing as it’s not going to be a repeat of other holidays where she didn’t have enough clothes.

is your DD ND? How will she function in the world if she doesn’t speak to anyone ?

If I had parents who took my bedroom door off as a punishment I'd not want to go on holiday with them either.

All mine would have packed bags certainly from age 8, but done a lot of it from age 5 upwards. They all had their own little suitcase, and I'd remind them (and dh sometimes!) to make sure they had underwear, PJ swimming kit, toothbrush and anything they wanted. They soon learnt to live with what they'd taken.

Dd1 would have exactly what she wanted. One change for each day.
Dd2 would probably manage a change, spare underwear, about 12 soft toys and the rest of the space taken with books.
Ds' packing starts with his soft toy and weighted blanket. He normally manages enough for about a change every other day. Occasionally he regrets this, but he hates holidays anyway, so he'd rather not go.

But I'd have reminded them on Thursday that they needed to make sure anything that they wanted to take was washed on Friday morning.
Saturday we'd get the suitcases from the loft, and Sunday packing.

Sounds like you've got in a rut with you saying "this must be done now" and she's sticking her heels in. Pull back, and take the power away.
"What's in the suitcase at 6pm tonight in what goes" and leave her. She'll sort it if you take the pressure off.

I agree with this OP - I was going to suggest not sharing suitcases, but just giving her a bag for life or two and letting her get on with it.

Take some washing liquid (and hand wash liquid?), and if she runs out of clothes/socks, she can wash them rather than borrowing anyone else’s! By hand if necessary (who hasn’t washed out some underwear with shower gel on holiday as a teen/student? She will pack properly the next time…)

The only things I would absolutely check are medications, essentials like spectacles and toothbrush and so on; and I’d pack an extra charger, so that if she hasn’t got hers it doesn’t annoy everyone else.

At 15 if she doesn’t pack the clothes she wants on time, that’s her problem to deal with. It’s a good learning experience, and will make things easier for her when she is an older teen/student/living away from home.

My 15 year old packs for herself.

about 4 days before, I tell her I’m putting a wash on for anything the kids want for holiday, so if it’s dirty after that it may not be able to come. A couple of days before I lob her a packing cube, and the night before I want it in the suitcase. After that she has to put it in her backpack and be responsible for getting it there.

in your case op I would have said if it’s not in the bag the night before then she needs to sort it out herself and not bother packing for her. She’s nearly old enough to be going away with friends (dd is planning a trip with her mates next year after GCSEs) so she’ll need to be responsible for her own things by then!

I had to read your post several times to check you weren't talking about the 11 year old (who I don't think you should be packing for either).

I think you've realised your deadline is unecessarily strict already, but with those age of children, the only thing you should be doing is saying "i need all your clothes in the suitcase by Sunday evening, please remember to bring a raincoat and something warm for the evening and your boots for hillwalking. I'll be doing a wash on Friday night, so anything you want to take with you that needs washing, please let me have it before then."

Packing should not be stressful for this age of child. Let them be responsible for themselves DH is the worst

*tailor instructions as required

Oh and at 15 I was taking two younger siblings of 8 and 10 across the country on my own by train to visit relatives, packing for all of us and organising and managing the journey and all the connections! And that was in the ‘90s, not in 1960 or something. (And my parents weren’t even lax or uninvolved: it was just expected that you’d be quite grown up and responsible at 15.) So a 15 yo packing a bag of clothes herself for a U.K. holiday really is not too much of an expectation!

She's 15! Of course you pack for her! You don't stop being a parent to children once they hit puberty!

She’s asking her to pack a few clothes, not throwing her out on the street to fend for herself 🙈

She doesn’t let you access her room
she’s not left her room in a week
shes not seen any friends since school broke up
she’s changed her clothes only once or twice in a week

tbh it sounds like she has major depressive issues. What’s she getting up to online locked away in her room. She’s 15. I’d worry more about this than her bloody packing

15 not 5

You're asking her to pack her stuff but not giving her a bag? Just throw a bag outside her room. She's 15, not 5. Let her control the whole operation.

What? Dd has been packing for herself since she was about 8. She knows what she wants to wear. I just give her a suitcase.

I give mine a reminder a few days before.....if anything needs washing to take away it needs to be down here this morning. Then I will wash it and return to them and i's their job to pack.

Don't have a last minute argument, leave the responsibility to her, if she rants and moans at you just walk away and let her huff and puff. Not your problem to solve or blame to take. It sounds like she will find a reason to be discontent whatever you do so let her get on with it. The more attention you give, the bigger deal it becomes with teens.

Yep. Totally not unreasonable. My Mum did this to me (I obvs can’t remember being so difficult!) and I spent a whole week in France in a pair of jeans and T-shirt. I had to wash it every night. She did what you did and packed a pair of shoes, swimmer and toothbrush for me. She relented on Wednesday and we went to a french supermarket. Taught me two things. Stop being a twat and taking my Mum for granted. And actions have consequences and not to underestimate parental follow through

Let her pack herself. She is old enough. I packed myself by the time I was that age, before even.

There are bigger issues here than her last minute packing. Her appalling attitude generally speaking, primarily.

Does she get overwhelmed trying to decide what to take? Maybe she needs a list. Does she find organisation difficult in general?

Or she's just trying to wind you up?

Or she's putting her head in the sand, hoping the holiday will never happen?

I'd offer help (just in case) or to give her a list. Otherwise leave her to it.

I remember when mine were little I'd get them to pack the toys they wanted to take. At 3 youngest could make a decent attempt at this. My 7yo just filled the bag with all her teddies - had no thought about what might be needed.

And her mum's updates show that she doesn't parent the child at all!
She's clearly given up on a child that is showing clear signs of a mental health issue.
She's not even bothered that her DD has suddenly stopped leaving her room, having any interest in hygiene or friends.
If that was my DD I'd be in her room regardless because it's when kids suddenly start acting like that at 14/15 that they unalive themselves!

What? At 15? One of the jobs of a parent is to prepare your children for their life ahead and to make sure they are becoming independent. You don’t do that by babying them and doing everything for them. You ensure they can look after themselves in appropriate grown-up ways before they become adults. Expecting a 15 y o to pack a bag for a holiday is normal! How would they learn to manage on school trips, university, work, otherwise?

I would 100% be leaving her to her own devices. My 8yo DS packs his own bag for holidays all I do is make a list that says 5 TShirts / 4 Shorts / 2 Jeans etc and he packs what he needs and if he doesn't take something then he doesn't and there's nothing to do about it.

Does your DD have clear mental health issues? Is your DD showing signs of depression?

What I will say is if you expect her to be independent, maybe she does her own bag. She maybe doesn’t want her underwear and personal belongings all mixed up with her mum and dads. A little bag or case for a few days doesn’t take much extra space and you could downsize the size of yours. At least a separate packing cube if not

Can we not use the ridiculous phrase “unalive”? This isn’t tik tok.

I agree packing is the least of the issues here. I wouldn’t agree that the op “isn’t parenting”. She seems quite overwhelmed dealing with a pretty unpleasant teen. Not everyone can be as perfect as you so clearly think you are.