Not to pack for DD 15

[Bettycrocker7]

Eldest DD is a few months shy of 16.
UK holiday booked for a year now, we leave Monday morning.
DD 13 has spent the last week carefully organising outfits pj's swimwear etc. Shes also made a little toiletries bag with makeup, skincare etc. DS11 prefers me to pack for him which is easy as I have full access to his bedroom so I can sort clothes.
Eldest DD does not allow me access to her room so I can't pack her clothes. She also refuses to pack her own clothes or toiletries.
Would it be completely unreasonable of me to give up asking her to pack and just leave her to her own devices? Just had another argument with her after knocking on her door and explaining we are all finishing up on packing now and would she mind bringing her bits downstairs.
We have to share bags as everything needs to fit in the boot. Would it be the end of the world if she spent the next week ( should be 25 degrees most days) with only a handful of clothing? I have bought her a toothbrush and will pack toothpaste and shower gel etc.

I would just back way off. She is 16, which is old enough to know what to do if she needs clothes. Just tell her to figure it out and if she throws a tantrum, she can stay home. Don´t make her self-inflicted problems yours anymore. Just shrug and walk away. She'll figure something out.

Leave her to it. If she is poorly equipped for her holiday that's her problem. She'll soon learn. Her controlling behaviour hasn't just started has it? Not allowed access to her bedroom?? really!?

Absolutely tell her that if she's not packed and ready to go by X on Sunday evening then what she hasn't packed will be left behind as the departure time is non-negotiable.

And as for no access to her room? Dream on!

I would just give her a list of essentials and tell her to let you know if she wants any help.

At almost 16, she should be more than capable of packing for herself.

So……..she doesn’t allow you access to her room…….in your house? Who changes the bed linen? Who cleans the room? Who collects dirty laundry? Sorry OP but you’ve brought this on yourself! Having access to her room doesn’t mean you’re going to go snooping - before anyone jumps on me regarding invasion of privacy blah blah blah! Leave her to sort her stuff on this occasion- she’s the one who’ll potentially run out of knickers, tops, shirts etc….she might learn from this and do stop giving her so many choices

Has she got packing cubes? If not nab some from Primark or Superdrug and give them to her saying, "I promise not to nag you any more, but if you give me these by xx day/time, I'll make sure they come with us." You might also put a little checklist in there with the types of things she needs to take. Packing is a skill. I'm doing mine now and it's killing me 🙄😂

It's not necessarily age that dictates maturity. A teen with mental health issues can act like a small child. Depression can make everything overwhelming. Being seen as the nuisance drains self esteem. Taking off a bedroom door and denying a 15 year old privacy is abuse. (I admit I've threatened it though never done it, but only when I was concerned my depressed teen might impulsively harm themselves badly.)

So I do think looking beyond this current situation wouid be helpful, rather than hearing about 8 or 11 year olds who pack perfectly as if there is some immutable age at which these things can be achieved.

If your child has got to 15 and is incapable for packing for themselves, then I think you stopped being a parent somewhere much earlier (being a parent does not mean doing everything for your child).

DD was told she should pack for herself when she went on her school residential at age 8. The same advice is given for Brownies/Cub camps from a similar age. Yes, at that age, it's following a list with support from parents. But, if you've started at 8, by 15 (actually, much earlier) they understand what needs packing and do it without a list or adult help.

Does she struggle to organise herself? Could you sit with her and write a list? I hope you are not washing her clothes today!

So are you honestly saying if your 15 year old suddenly stopped taking interest in personal hygiene, suddenly stopped you accessing her bedroom, suddenly stopped leaving her bedroom and suddenly stopped taking an interest in being with friends your biggest worry would be "my DD hasn't packed a case yet"?

Also she's a 15 year old girl who's undies and other personal hygiene products are expected to be mixed in with her Dad's and brothers clothes! I wouldn't even want my personal hygiene products mixed in with my son or daughters clothes and I'm an adult who isn't embarrassed about things like that!

That wasn't what you said though. You said of course you pack for a 15 year old and it was poor parenting if you didn't.

Yes my children can buy that aren't showing signs of poor mental health which this teen is and all her mum is concerned about is that she hasn't packed for a holiday that isn't happening for a week!
Oh and the same mother expects her daughter to put her sanitary products in with her dad's things rather than having a bag to herself!

Your child clearly has mental health issues which you're ignoring because your other 2 children are obviously so perfect!
It's teens that show this behaviour that end up unaliveing themselves!
You've got bigger issues than a child that hasn't packed for a holiday!

Ask her if she wants a list to go ny and offer help.

If she doesn't pack make sure you don't buy her any clothes while you're on holiday.

A teenager doesn’t have to have mental health issues to act out. I have a sibling who was very like OP’s DD. She was just an especially unpleasant teenager, and has a very volatile personality, which made things very difficult for my mum. It wasn’t mental health issues: that’s just who she is! She got a whole lot better when she’d grown out of that stage. Some teenagers are just especially awful, and the whole culture/media at the moment encourages self-indulgent, performatively bad teen behaviour (just watch any TikTok for examples). But lots is down to the individual child’s personality, too.

There seems to be bigger issues than packing it sounds like either her mental health isn't great or it's a form of seeking any kind of attention even negative from you? The fact she's had to remind you to stop comparing her to her younger sister suggests theres an element of look at how your sister does everything perfectly which won't be helping her self-esteem.
I wouldn't be entertaining her room being off limits its your home and communication will be alot less hostile when not done through text messages to avoid entering areas of your home your child has banned you from

Tbh, I’m reading this on Sunday, and I wouldn’t have packed yet for a trip on Monday.
Give her bag of a size that will fit, and leave her to it.
My DC packed for themselves from primary age. At 16 I might be saying “ You’ll need your rain jacket” but other than that I’d leave them to get on with it.
Disclaimer: this holiday, one adult DC forgot his shoes, only had the crocs he was wearing for travel, and also his trousers- one pair of shorts has lasted the week! DH forgot his sandals and no one brought shampoo. It didn’t matter, we bought shampoo.

Don't most 15/16 year olds clean their own rooms and put their own dirty laundry in the basket and change their own bed linen? Or shouldn't they?

There is no room in your that you cannot go into. That's ridiculous it your property not hers. Re packing i would give her one hour then pack the clothes she hates the most. Needs to learn fast.

I have similar issues. Teen with ASD and I have limited access to her room, only when she's in the shower or goes for a walk around the block.
Thankfully we only have UK holidays so I can wing it with her packing and chuck bits in a pile when they come out the wash.

My eldest teen could give Marie Kondo a lesson in packing and being organised.

My DDs are 15 and 12 and both managed to pack themselves for holiday. The youngest is autistic so needed reminders about packing pants, toiletries etc but managed very well. YABU, your DD should be able to pack for herself

Not unreasonable at all - although my biggest concern would be having to buy things unnecessarily whilst away.
We’re going away on Thursday but I’m busy Monday-Wednesday. I told my 14 & 16 that anything they want to take plus a list of anything else they need needs to be on my bed by lunchtime today. I’m not prepared to be stressed about packing so it’s getting done today!
And - I knock before going in but I absolutely wouldn’t accept no access to their bedrooms. Get some ground rules laid down & stick to them!

At that age I was booking my own hostel, coach, packing my own bag, and heading on down to Newquay for a few days with my friends!

So no, yanbu!

Autistic and demand avoidant DC here. We still have to scaffold. Obvs terrible parenting etc, goodness knows what we've been doing the last 15 years...

Here I might try to sit her down with a drink and snack and help her write a list. On neutral territory if poss. Then leave her to pack independently from the list. It might help get her over the hump into starting. She sounds like she is in a pretty dark place.