For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

it feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k

Sadly in your case the household income doesn't count for much as the money isn't there for both of you.

Start saying no when he suggests doing things that cost money. Explain that you can't afford it but you hope he has a nice time. See if that helps him understand. You can't afford his lifestyle.

Are you planning to have children with him? If so I would think very carefully because he might expect you to survive on mat leave pay while he maintains his lifestyle.

Are you married?

I earn less than my husband as I took time out for our children. We pay different amounts into our joint account, leaving us with the same amount of personal spends each month. All bills come out of the joint account.

I think if you are not married and don’t have kids yet, I would cut this man free as he’s selfish. Then go live a life style you can afford as you can’t keep up with his.

Change the question to:

I can't afford to live here and I'm moving out of London. Come or don't.

Fwiw, id take the short cut and dump him because he clearly sees life as what's mine is mine, what's yours is ours.

It's unfathomable to me that he knows you're skint and is loading up the food trolley on half your dime.

My husband paid all bills when I was on unpaid maternity and transferred half his leftover salary to me. We weren't rich but he didn't see it as him going without. Something to think about for perspective.

In a serious relationship very often it’s proportionately split. That’s what we did with my now DH paying a little more but the disparity was much smaller. Do you think he has any resentment that you earn so much less than when you together? It’s pretty bad that you didn’t discuss such a big financial change with him.

The man doesn’t truly love you anymore.

Maybe he thinks the OP is selfish. She has unilaterally decided she would significantly reduce the household income and now expects her partner to shoulder the financial burden she has created. Perhaps he would like a less stressful, lower paid job too. They took out the mortgage together based on their combined earning then the OP moved the goal posts. He's already subsidising the OP and now she wants more.

@SaladAndChipsForTea have to disagree with you. It is the OP who is acting like what's hers is hers and what's his is also hers, not the partner. The OP wants claim to what's his so she can have a nicer job.

Don't get married to him. Leave London.

I voted YABU because you made the choice to cut your income, and presumably your partner didn’t agree beforehand that he would pick up the slack/contribute more? You’ve made yourself reliant on him seemingly without checking he’s ok with that - what if he wanted to take a similar step back?

Now you need to cut your cloth - if that means you can’t go out as much etc then that’s the consequence of your choice.

I say this as someone who earns much more than my DH and I gladly share everything I earn with him - but if he decided to drop his income dramatically I would probably feel quite resentful as that luxury isn’t open to me.

I would agree with PP that you shouldn’t have kids with him, though, unless you have a clear understanding of how the finances will work.

Maybe he thinks the OP is selfish. She has unilaterally decided she would significantly reduce the household income and now expects her partner to shoulder the financial burden she has created. Perhaps he would like a less stressful, lower paid job too. They took out the mortgage together based on their combined earning then the OP moved the goal posts. He's already subsidising the OP and now she wants more.

I agree. One person can't just decide to quit work and take a much lower paying job, leaving the other to poke up with paying more as the solution!

I think this might be the point where you realise you want different things. He was more than happy when you were earning the big money but now he seems to be punishing you for the career change and pay drop.

It hardly screams loving and caring especially as he is your fiance. He is happy to see you absolutely skint whilst he still has money. When he takes his wedding vows do you think they will mean anything? You are meant to be a couple, most people combine finances and split is proportionately. I have been the higher earner, then the lower earner, then the no earnings at all sahm. Dh has never been selfish with money, ever.

Yeah but he's the one who wants to stay in London and live a lifestyle matching his income, whilst insisting on only paying for half of it.

The maths doesn't work. He either needs to pay more, or reduce his expenses to match her income and 50/50. Or they split up and he can (maybe) have the same lifestyle but pay for all of it.

He’s not wrong that you decided to take the pay cut (I assume your mortgage was agreed on the combined two higher salaries).

It doesn’t sound as though the impact on the mortgage affordability was discussed as part of your conversations about you changing career. I don’t want to deploy the MN time machine but if it wasn’t discussed, I don’t know how you thought it would work.

I do agree that he doesn’t see you two as a team and he’s not willing to support you while you achieve the earning potential in your new role.

How long will that take? Are you talking a year; three years? Possibly a long time that he’s got to make up the shortfall.

On balance, I don’t really blame him for having to pay more based on your decision to change career.

I don’t equate it with what happens during maternity leave (although I’d see this as a warning sign for how he COULD behave!)

Team fiance here. You knew the level of your joint bills when you made the decision to career change. That, or agreeing that fiance would subsidise you, should have been part of the decision making process at the time.

What if he also decided to chill out on £35k? Would you be OK with that?

My question would be: are you a family or cohabiting adults?

Family don’t treat each other like that. My husband earns £80k, I earn £40k (and work part time which he doesn’t resent).

He pays ALL the mortgage and bills, and I pay kids stuff, holidays, clothes, house renovation stuff. Basically more ad hoc stuff. Anything left in our accounts goes into joint savings.

This is a red flag OP. He’s more willing to see you struggle than move somewhere more affordable. Not great form. I expect this’ll continue but worse when you have a child. He sounds selfish and is looking after his own interests rather than that of a household. Think carefully.

Yep you’re unreasonable

Firstly and bluntly, the two of you are no longer in a leading to marriage relationship. I think couples only ever find out if they’re truly partnership material, when a problem occurs. You have just found out you’re not.

I think it all depends on the discussions you both had when you decided to leave your high paying job. Did he know how deeply unhappy you were, did he agree to a huge step down in his quality of life - which going proportionally would bring, did you just assume he’d cover you, did he agree with it etc?

i think this is quite different from partnerships when at the start one earns 30 and one 90; because they both know from the outset. You have changed this, with good reason, but he doesn’t support you.

Who’s saying she’s chilling out? I hate this notion that less money equals less work or responsibility, it’s just not true.

Im a senior manager in a small organisation for £40k - I work bloody hard.

Whos to say OP isn’t working hard?

Thanks so much for the responses so far. To answer some of the questions that have come up:

We are getting married next year.

I did of course discuss taking a pay cut with him when I left my job as a lawyer, and honestly he wasn't very supportive. But I was working as a lawyer at one of the big firms in the City and honestly it was running me ragged - I didn't want to spend the rest of my life working until 2am or having to drop everything at the weekend to work because some unexpected deal had just come in. I am so much happier now working a 'normal' job and I don't regret it at all. I will earn more in time, it's just that I'm currently at the bottom of the ladder. My partner does and has always worked a regular 9 to 5 so I don't really feel like he understood how demanding my job could be.

When we first took out the mortgage we were both on about £50k, so £100k joint household income. So now our household income is actually higher, it's just split differently between us if that makes sense.

I think you're right in that I have to just start saying no to going out etc. I did bring up the food shop with him and he essentially said, 'My penny pinching days are over, I earn £90k and if I want to chuck something I want in the trolley then I should be able to'. I don't really know what the solution is apart from separate food shops.

I voted Yanbu because I agree with proportionate payments when not married.

However you decided to cut your wages by about 30% after agreeing to take on a mortgage. You changed your income and now expect him to pick it up or move.

So YANBu wanting proportionate payments however you want totally different things to your DP sink personally think you need to sell up and split up and find someone with your values.

If bills have gone up - go through all of your bills and see where you can save. I am single parent with income of £20k by going through my bills I managed to save £50 a month which was amazing. Do you have things like tv packages etc - do you really need them? Can you get cheaper internet? Mobile phones? Go through everything and together it makes a difference. Just because he is on a high income doesn’t mean you should be blasé about bills. I do think it would be fairer if he did it proportionally though. What would it be like if you had kids as others have said. What would he do if he lost his job and you were the sole breadwinner - would he want you to pay while he sorted himself out? Supposed to be there for each other…

Did you discuss it as a couple when you wanted to take a huge pay cut? I think this is a bit like being a sahp it can only work if you're both fully on board with it. He doesn't have to subsidise you unless he wants to, you've already taken the paycut for yourself not to raise mutual children. I wouldn't be on board with DH just deciding for himself to earn less so I support him without me agreeing to and I say that as someone who is the higher earner, but over the years DH has made decisions to increase his earning potential and the amount he contributes.

ETA cross posted so you did discuss, he wasn't supportive of financially supporting you and you did it anyway?

OP did. She's working fewer hours. Seemed to be a big factor in her decision.

He needs to pay for the “extras” that he wants eg if he wants to go on the more expensive holiday and you want to go on a cheaper one, he either pays the difference for you, or you both go on the cheaper holiday you can both afford. Or he goes alone.

But I don’t really see why he should pay more of the day to day bills that already existed at the point you chose to take what sounds like quite a large pay cut.

that salary difference is similar to mine and DP's, i would never expect him to pay 50% of everything, that would be totally unfair!!

Definitely start refusing to eat out more than a couple of times a month and refusing to buy anything extravagant

He isn't a partner. He isn't supportive. Don't marry him.

It does sound as though you both have different priorities career wise and you are moving in different directions. It doesn't bode well for a future together. Is your name on the mortgage? As a pp said, if you decided to leave London, could you? Would he come?