For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

I'm more than happy to leave the south east - the industry I've moved to has opportunities all over the country and we would probably get a bigger property for cheaper too. He only goes into the office one day a week so he wouldn't have to move jobs. This is the crux of the issue - I'm prepared to move somewhere cheaper, he wants to stay in London for now

Don't live with him or marry him. He is selfish

She probably can't do that if she quit before 1PQE and has now changed careers though. That door is now closed.

But this despite OP being desperately unhappy and stressed and working toxic hours? And her fiance was happy to see her like that as long as the £ didn't change?

Red flags everywhere, OP.

It's also therefore unreasonable for OP to subsidise his expensive food shopping habits and for there to be any expectation she will accompany him out.

They already own a home together.

It would be a mistake to get married. You’re both fundamentally incompatible financially and should be with people with a similar outlook.
Household income is irrelevant since you’re financially separate and you could be better off someone also on 35k as they’d be spending less on things like mortgage and food.
If you want to stay together regardless then you’ll have to start doing things separately like him going on holiday without you or the pair of you eating different meals as your food budget isn’t going to stretch to luxury food like wine and steak. You’ll have to delay children because it will take years to save up for maternity leave and affording nursery fees afterwards.
I’m not saying that he’s wrong btw. Ambitious, high earning people often find fellow ambitious high earners exciting and it’s not wrong to imagine a life where a partner earns the same.
I wonder what your partner would say if you said that you wanted to sell your house because you couldn’t afford £1500 mortgage payments anymore?
He’s reasonably unimpressed that you’ve taken such a big cut in income and I wonder if you’ve ever had the argument over it? Did you talk to him before doing it?
You talk about promotions but I’m assuming that you’re talking about years rather than months, possibly decades if you plan on children? Is he in an industry where pay increases quickly so it’s possible that you never catch up? Have you considered a second job so that you have a little extra to keep up with him?

This man is not your partner. He is just a man you live with. He’s not listening to you and he’s apparently not prepared to make even the smallest of compromises to make your life easier. He’d rather see you in debt than to change anything about the way he lives.
Stop going out and paying for things you can’t afford.
Shop separately. Buy what you can afford.
Then think carefully about how you want your life to be and who you are tying yourself to. He is entitled to not choose to subsidise your life choices but the man I married would never insist on things that put me into debt. And now he out earns me hugely, he loves to share our money and treat us to things I could never afford and never ask for. In the same way, I came to our relationship with vastly more savings than him, I put them into our home and now the value belongs to both of us.
He sounds selfish - and that’s fine. He’s a youngish man with no dependents and a healthy wage packet. Living in an exciting city. He can spend as he chooses. But right now he’s not looking like good husband material.
This kind of attitude in a married person with children is not great.

The following is coming to from a 40yo high earner with a 3 and 1 yo.

Think Carefully. Do it now BEFORE you marry.

You need to ask ALL the hard questions and have all the hard conversations with this man now before you marry.
And I mean ALL.
Off the top of my head:

• If you are infertile would he fund "your" ivf?
• If you cant pay "your half" of holidays is he going on his own with his mates?
• Is he going to sit in business while you are in cattle class with the kids?
• When you retire and he has a huge pension pot and 7k pm income and you have 1k how is that going to work?
• what happens if you are chronically ill?

And dont just listen to what he says, words are cheap. Pay attention to whether or not it resonates - in your heart do you know he is selfish?

Depressingly, the single most important determinant of your future happiness is the man you marry.

You and your fiance / partner sound like you have fundamentally different values.
This moronic notion we are sold that "women are equal" does not wash once children come into the picture. It just doesn't.

Candidly my dh and I are both quite "performance" based (ie more in your fiancé's camp) but still if either of us said we were burned out and couldnt keep going they'd have support from the other. It would need to be a clear plan not just "i quit" but we wouldn't want to see the other sick or unhappy.

Children also change everything. I thought I had my eyes open going in and was smug id made all the "right" choices to outplay the system - I was an idiot. I had no clue how much the patriarchy is in full swing. It's built into the fabric of society and our unconscious to an astounding degree.
If he wont "share" now you'll be royally up shit creek post kids. Selfishness is a poor quality in a husband.
In 10 yrs are you going to be cutting your own hair and shopping in charity shops while using your remaining deposible income to pay for kids things while he complains his Hugo boss golf shirt isnt properly pressed for his golf day?

I am not saying dont marry - i am saying get on the same page before you do and find out WHO you are marrying and work out if you can live with that before you sign up

At a minimum he should be freely paying for all the "extras"
eg before kids and marriage I'd pay for our holidays / fancy meals any big things for the house. I aas happy to "treat" my DH. I want us to enjoy life together and I knew we were building a life together.

Right now this guy isnt your life partner - he's happy to watch you struggle while he has a decent surplus.
If he wants a business partner who will cook his meals and raise his kids I'd advise you look elsewhere unless you want a life of discontent.

Separately (&because I'm nosey) who is paying for the big fat wedding?

Interesting because I was having a conversation with dd about similar the other day. She’s now doing well in her career and on a good salary. She wants to enjoy that salary. Her partner earns similar and it’s important to them both to be able to do the things their joint salaries allow. I don’t think either would be happy to go from living a really nice and comfortable (which also allows for savings, very important to both of them) to having to budget again because one partner unilaterally decided to give up the decent salary and take a step back career wise. Equally, why should your partner move from where he’s happy because you can no longer afford the commitments you took on by choice.

Obviously, if one of you had become incapacitated or you decided to have children then a rebalance would be fair. But you’ve made a choice and you expect him to pay for it. If my daughter was in your partner’s position I’d want her to proceed with caution

You should have sold up and split once he said he wasn't supportive of you changing jobs. The mortgage, lifestyles and future plans were based on your previous earning power and he's not enjoying "poverty" with you. Everyone saying don't marry him is stating the obvious, you are now incompatible and I don't think he is thinking marriage if you're now rowing about money. Adding in that you want to move from London where he works? Just sell up and move on.

Tell him anything extra he wants to chuck in the shopping basket is coming out of his money and you won’t eat it. Tell him you won’t be going for expensive nights out. If he wants to carry on living this wealthy lifestyle he will have to do it on his own money and without you.

You really don’t sound like much of a team to be honest. My DH and I lived together for a year before we were married and he paid more than me because he was working a good job whereas I was a student. We viewed my degree as a joint investment that would benefit us both in my future earning potential. Unfortunately I’ve ended up disabled and haven’t been able to earn much as we wanted children and there’s no way I could have worked for past 4 or 5 months pregnant, and I couldn’t have worked while they were young either. I’ve taken care of the kids and the home and he’s brought in the money. There’s never been any suggestion of it being his money, it is our money.

Do you want children? Because I’d be hesitant if I have them with this man. I’ve known many women see their earning potential reduced due to taking a career gap while the kids are small, or moving to part time work. I’ve seen many men still expect to pay only half the bills in this situation and not seem to notice how much money is being saved in childcare bills.

I think you do very much need to have a discussion about what he thinks will happen around children. Or what if you get ill and are unable to work? I understand people saying that you chose to take a lower paid job and that he shouldn’t have to subsidise that. However, a man who would prefer to see you burning out in an exhausting job or struggling to get by on not enough money while he refuses to compromise his own extravagant spending habits doesn’t sound like he loves you very much. I’d genuinely be rethinking this relationship. He doesn’t sound like he’s got your back at all. I definitely wouldn’t be having children with him.

There are few things more unattractive in my book than being stingy. Especially in the case of someone having more money expecting someone with significantly less money to subsidise their extravagance. As someone else said, as far is he’s concerned, his money is his money and your money is shared money.

Thank you for your post. My marriage finance is like this. I was wondering is it OK

Yabu

if I want to chuck something I want in the trolley then I should be able to

I would sit down with your income, and all expenses and work out what YOU can afford to pay half of and what you dont need at this point. You then need to tell your partner what you can and cannot afford.

The simple example based on the above is that HE can throw what he likes in the shopping trolly but he cannot REQUIRE you to cover half of it when you have told him you can't afford it. Next time you go shopping get a basket as well as the trolly and anything he throws in the trolley that you cannot afford put into the basket. At the end of the shop he pays for the basket himself if he still wants those items.
The same applies to subscriptions like Netflix, gyms, and leisure activities. If you cannot afford it you cannot do it. Please prioritise the mortgage payment /utilities over luxury foods and unnecessary spends.

The result of the above should be enlightening. Either he will wake up and accept you cannot afford it and either cut back or subsidise you. - his choice.
OR your relationship will fracture.

It is important though that you do not continue to be £200 or more further down at the end of each month as this is adding up and you will finish up in a mess. If you/he decide that the relationship is not going to work, as you are not married, he will walk away leaving you with that debt which will hamper your future.

How living on lesser salary is chilling out. Only on mums n

Fundamentally you aren’t a couple. You might feel like a couple in the bedroom, but at the checkout and in the direct debits you are a pair of flatmates.

To a certain extent you are both unreasonable. You took a big pay cut after already committing to a mortgage even though he was not happy about it. He has increased his standard of living as his pay has gone up without acknowledging that you need to reduce yours. You are saying “move” like you are a character of tv, rather than a real life person who would actually have to stump up £1000s in fees and taxes to move somewhere he doesn’t want to live. You both probably think you are entitled to 50:50 equity in your property - as you are a “couple”, took the mortgage together, and pay 50:50 but what if you start paying less? You aren’t married, you have no kids, I don’t think he wants to sub you because he doesn’t see you as a family. Firstly you need to decide whether this relationship is something you want to keep flogging. Secondly I would be gritting my teeth and paying 50% even if it meant going out every night as an Uber driver because I don’t think he will be generous in a split. If your pay will go up - which you are saying it will - then it’s a temporary situation that you can get through. Don’t have dc without a very raw, brass tacks, conversation first. Make sure you stay on top of your pension.

Hi love I have been exactly in this same situation.. I will pm you if that’s ok

@AnyPomegranate
At first I thought it sounded fair to split in proportion to your income but then I reread your op.
You've taken a drop in income as you couldn't cope with the stresses of your previous role.
I assume your dp has similar stresses in his role if he's earning 90k.
So you get to make your life easier whilst your dp makes up the difference.
Nope, it doesn't work like, you're not married, you're not looking after joint dc, you entered into a 3k a month mortgage, taken a massive drop in wages and now want be subsidised.
Do you know why I didn't have a 3k a month mortgage, because I couldn't afford it, I earn a little more than you.
YABU massively

Ok, a couple of things.

You say he wasn’t supportive when you decided to change career. That’s a red flag in my book. My DH and I earn well and our lifestyle is based on that. However, if he told me he hated his job and it was making him desperately unhappy, I’d tell him to quit and we’d cut our cloth accordingly. A responsible adult will find another job to go to first before quitting, just as you have, but a loving relationship means not wanting your partner to be miserable just so you can live the lifestyle you feel entitled to.

I can, however, see his perspective on all of this. I was very briefly married before in my young adulthood.
My first DH was a dreamer and I very much carried him financially until I realised that his character was fundamentally lacking in any of the qualities needed to realise those dreams. I lost all respect for him and ended up feeling more like his mother than his wife. We got divorced. Barring children, disability or temporary situations, having a dependent partner rather than an equal one can be very damaging to some relationships. If he feels he is carrying you (I don’t know your relationship history) this may be why he’s not supportive.

I would tell him that this needs a full discussion or it may end your relationship and that both of you need to do 2 things in advance of your conversation: (1) state your own case. (2) think about what you think the other will say to make their case. Step 2 is actually the most important bit as it can really help lay the foundation for you to reach a compromise during that discussion. If you intend to have children in the future, make sure he has an answer for how he thinks that will work, too. If he tells you that he expects you to save for your maternity leave and carry on paying 50/50, run a mile!

It should be proportional once you're married, especially as he's insisting on living in an expensive bit of London rather than some place more affordable for you.

At least you aren't married. That's east to break now...if you are trapped in a situation and you cannot afford to move, then you would be much more unhappy

If he has no empathy for his partner whose mental health was suffering working silly hours whilst he had nice normal hours and who had a long term plan that should get her back to where she was, then it’s not really very good is it?
It’s temporary, they should be working together as a team, working towards long term goals that make them both happy and equal. If he has to sub her for a while, then be should be doing so willingly. It’s not forever.

I too, would be worried about having kids.

He is showing you who he really is. Quit while you can. He doesn't sound like a very loving partner.

God he sounds a selfish prick. DH & I have swopped roles over the years - at one point I was earning double what he did but now I have taken a step back into a less stressful more fulfilling role & earn significantly less. Our finances are shared so as long as we can cover the bills the larger earner just pays more and we have always fully supported the other to make the best/most sensible career choice which isn't always chasing the highest £££.
I would think very carefully before you marry this man. If you have children I can guarantee you'll be the one covering childcare out of your wages & having to use your savings during maternity leave because he won't let you stop contributing to the bills.

This. I love you but I can’t afford to stay here I’m going to have to move out of London and find somewhere cheaper whilst I build up my career. I can’t afford the life style at the moment.