For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

We don't know he works harder than her though, he earns more now sure but before they were earning the same while he worked 9-5 and OP worked till 2am or at weekends.

Agreed.

He should pay for his more expensive food etc. But you took on a joint mortgage, presumably after considering what you could afford, and you both agreed to it. It’s totally unreasonable to say “actually nah, I’ve changed jobs despite knowing what the bills are, and now I don’t want to stick to that agreement”.

whose mortgage is it? Joint?

what do you think will happen once you are married and potentially DC are in the scene.

I am in a marriage where I pay 50/50 and DH is earning 3 times as much as me and I work part time as I am the primary carer for our DC (both with complex needs). He holidays alone and I holiday (much cheaper with the DC). He didn't show is true colours until DC1 was born. I can see a lot of red flags in your post. I would have a good and hard think what you want from the future and this relationship and also discuss finances post marriage with him. If he intends to keep going like that, just run!

For now, I would cut back on going out and hols and maybe separate food shopping but the big question is really how you both see that working out long term esp with marriage and kids.

Are you able couple sharing responsibilities and a life together, or not? It seems not. People who love and care for each other support each other and don't want too see each other struggle through. He doesnt exactly sound committed.

Then OP should get the magical job that he has. Why is she only earning £35,000 if it’s just as easy to earn £90,000?

If finance lies at the heart of everything you do (yes, I know it's important) rather than someone's wellbeing, I think you're on a hiding to nothing, sadly. If he can't see that you needed to make a change and support you, that's making life very difficult.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Different people do the finances different ways but I don't see much of a partnership going on here. Sorry.

You are not a partnership. You are not on the same page. You do not have the same values. You do not have the same life goals. You do not have the same level of respect and compassion for each other. Do not marry him.

I'm sorry, but this is on you. You decided to take a significant pay cut against his wishes and now want him to pick up the slack? Absolutely unreasonable.

You can't claim that he should pick up a higher proportion because you discussed it as a couple, when that discussion was he didn't want you to do it but you went ahead regardless.

I quit a little before 1PQE. Of course I wouldn't have quit during my training contract!

I did look into in-house roles but they don't really exist for my practice area (and in any case the market wasn't fantastic). I think earning six figures in private practice and working 9-5 is very optimistic

I don't really know what the solution is apart from separate food shops.

You have found your own solution

The first two words of the post literally say ‘my fiance’

I don't understand why people are saying she's unfair for cutting her earnings and expecting him to subsidise her. OP cut her earnings, and is happy to cut her outgoings accordingly, and she did it for health reasons. She is also on a good wage, well above average in the UK, and has plans for earning more.

Her partner, on the other hand, has been utterly inflexible about any of the changes needed to support her health.

OP, I agree with the people who say he's not partner material.

What did your fiance suggest to help make things a bit easier for you when you told him you were struggling?

When I read posts like these I can never understand why couples agree on 50/50 for bills. Why not 50% of each wage? It is the only fair way, and the higher earner still gets more left over each month.

not rocket science isn’t?

Financial abuse!

leave before you have kids.

he’s milking you

As a comparison I gave up a very well paying job and will have £9 income for the next three years while I study. My partner could see how unhappy I was and didn’t want that for me. He earns a decent amount and is happy to support me and cut our cloth where we need to. You don’t have a life partner there in my opinion. Those saying you were selfish have maybe missed the fact that you were working until 2am frequently.

You could always alternate food shop weeks, it’s not a great solution though is it.
Grim that he wants you to pay half of his expensive shopping. I’d be very wary of having kids with him as well, it’s mean of him to behave like that and that’s a red flag.
and yeah at a minimum don’t go out with him for a while, enjoy the peace at home, get yourself some savings instead

I think for most, 50% of each wage wouldn't be enough to cover bills and household costs.

You jest but this is essentially what I did - the difference is that I'm starting again at the bottom whereas he's been working for nearly 10 years so has climbed the ladder

It’s not at all optimistic. You’d out-earn him at Bristows, CMS, HFW, Mishcon or Withers. You’d earn far more than you’re on now as a 9-5 paralegal or legal secretary at a top firm.

You are choosing to not earn very much. He didn’t support that choice. He shouldn’t be made to be the bad guy for not paying for that choice.

Would you support him quitting his job and earning £35,000? Genuinely?

I think you need to reframe this to him @AnyPomegranate . At the moment, you are subsidising a lifestyle that he wants and that you can't afford. In other words, you are subsidising his lifestyle.

I would do some serious research into where you want to live and send him a shortlist of some possible places.

He will have to go for meals out on his own a bit more too.

Edited for typo.

How would that be fair? One earn 50k and one only 25k. That would leave the lower earning partner with only half the disposable income. How is that fair esp if the lower earning partner is earning less as they took on caring responsibilities for DC or so and the higher earning partner can only earn what they do because the lower earner enables them???? Ideally, it should go all into one pot. No mine and yours.

YABU. You chose to earn less and now you expect him to pick up the shortfall when he made it clear he wasn't on board with it.

Think of this in terms other than purely money related ones.

You want to move out of London. Your partner doesn't.

He wants to have a certain lifestyle that includes eating out, nice holidays and not watching every penny. You would rather work in a more relaxed career and earn less and have a different lifestyle.

OP doesn't say, but it's possible that having an ambitious, driven partner may also have been something that her partner wanted. I'd be interested to know if this attracts OP to her partner too - or whether she would genuinely be happy if he made the same choice that she did.

It feels like you have incompatible long term aims. I'm sorry.

where is she going to move to on her own on her £35K salary?