For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

Shop for food separately so that you are not subsidising his expensive tastes. When eating out insist on paying for what you’ve eaten and had to drink. That way you can eat a starter for a main course and drink tap water without being fearful of the 50/50 shared bill. As far as holidays are concerned it is perfectly acceptable to say I can’t afford to go.
Quite simply OP you’ve taken a dramatic pay cut but now need to cut your cloth accordingly.
if you are taking money out of savings to keep up with the lifestyle he wishes to lead you are jeopardising your future financial security in order to appease your partner and that’s not the answer to your current situation.

If you had always been the lower paid partner and you had embarked on a joint life together on that basis it would have been reasonable to divide split living expenses on a pro rata basis.

if he had supported your decision to switch to a lower paid job it would be reasonable for him to subsidise that decision

As it is you made a decision he did not agree with. That's was your choice annd your right and you think you have done the right thing. However it's unreasonable to expect him to finance that choice.

The answer is to work as a solicitor in house. Defo fits 9-5 and much better paid than £35k. Get applying! Doesn’t matter if there are no positions in your practice area! You were only 1 year PQE so frankly you don’t even have a practice area!

Your partner is clearly pissed that he has a reduced lifestyle when you’re (in his mind) choosing to have a lower salary. I get where he’s coming from. He earns £90k he should be able to buy a treat in the supermarket!

Bottom line is your base expenses are £3k and you earn £35k- those numbers don’t add up!!!

She used to regularly work until 2.00 am in her previous job. I presume that she works normal full-time hours in her new job. Her partner works a standard 9-5 in his job.

Sorry you're the unreasonable one. You should have agreed and discussed how this would impact your fiance and finances before you massively reduced your salary. I imagine there was a middle ground of a less stressful job in law with a middling salary? This is a completely different situation to one partner paying more because the other has kids and works part time.

A couple of things - for a start, living together it would be better to have a joint account for bills, not least for transparency. Work out the monthly bill and mortgage outgoings and bung in half each a month (I know you’re trying to reduce what you pay but I just mean so it is all transparent). If you can’t see the money going out then I think it makes it less ‘your problem’ but also I think you should have access anyway. It is far easier to manage as well if you ringfence ‘bill money’.

It was your decision to take a pretty big pay cut so
I can see why he is a bit ‘why should I subsidise you’ for the bills but at the same time he ought to then see you can’t afford the high life. But you have done something that impacts holidays, your entire lifestyle for HIM and the only way he can have the things he wants, is if he pays for you, so I can see why he is a bit ‘hold on a minute I don’t want to not eat out, have nice holidays and so on’.

I think you need to go for a better paying job, whatever that looks like.

I read your OP then looked back to see if this was your husband or partner. Seeing of course it is a fiance.

I would say don't marry him.

When me or my husband (and previous to that for a decade partner) have been unhappy at work the question has always been what can "we" do? Whether that's one person retraining, going part time or either person looking for a new job to cover the shortfall.

When I had our eldest I was a stay at home mum for 5 years. We would give each other our last penny.

There is no "we" in your relationship. Each person has to hold their own and sink or swim. How is that going to work if you have children? What about if one of you becomes ill and unable to work.

Would you support your husband if he became ill and unable to work - unable to get even universal credit because you earn too much? Can you honestly say that he would do the same for you? And I mean without you running up a debt to him or living like a pauper while he carries on as he is.

You have said that your earnings will rise. Trying to match your husbands earnings wouldn't be enough security for me knowing you are only one twist of fate away from having to struggle alone while your "husband" carries on regardless.

Tbh as you're not married you don't have a household income as such, you're two individuals. Presumably you own the property 50/50 so why should he pay more? Having said this my now DH paid more than I did before we were married under similar circumstances because he knew he would marry me and it was all our money. Your partner's attitude doesn't scream that he thinks this relationship to be long term 🤷‍♀️

I get what you're saying - working those kinds of hours is no fun, and you certainly shouldn't have to continue like that if it's not for you.
I was deliberately harsh towards you in my previous comment, but to be fair to you, your partner doesn't seem too supportive. He would happily see you be deprived of little luxuries from the supermarket whilst he blindly chucks in caviar, lobsters and champagne, for example without a second thought.
He is right in that he earns a great wage to be able to afford this lifestyle, but to carry on doing so alongside someone who he is choosing to spend his life with as an equal partner is insensitive as he is paying no regard to how it makes you feel. This callous nature reeks of manipulation, assertiveness and control.
I'm afraid to say it but I think you two have grown apart.
You want a wholesome life, reducing your hours to seemingly spend more quality time with the people who mean the world to you and that has to be respected, but he doesn't see it that way sadly.

Yes, but that sounds like a magic circle firms.
Magic circle law firms are a place I would never want to work.

I'd say it was a bit much for her to just give up a career because of one job

If she trained at a firm like that, she could have gone anywhere with that experience under her belt

She could have moved to another law firm that did not have such intense hours. They do exist as I work for one and I have a good life balance. I have never worked until two am in my entire career

I think she was too hasty in giving it up, and now she is expecting her partner to pick up the tab and change his lifestyle for her choices.

Sorry just saw you're engaged. I wouldn't marry him tbh, he doesn't see you as a team 💐♥️

What will happen if you have children after climbing the career ladder again? Will he expect you to pay 50% still whilst on maternity leave? Will he expect you to pay for nursery, after school clubs, holiday clubs or will these be split equally? Will he see it as your decision to have children, therefore you bear the costs of carefree your wage? I would think long and hard about marriage.

He’s really clearly saying he doesn’t support your decision. My partner did a similar thing and didn’t really consult me. I’ve felt resentful of it, and that they have just left making up the shortfall to me and gone on their merry way.

However I do agree with you that the split of finances is unfair - and unworkable. It either needs to be each of you pays a % of your bills according to income (he pays 75%, you pay 25% and your percentages change as your pay does, so if he worked part time or was off sick you’d have to support more), OR you combine income into one pot, pay the bills, and then have equal access to the rest. The 50% each thing works for flatmates - in a marriage if one loses a job, gets pregnant, is caring, gets sick or gets a lottery win you need to be supporting each other not acting as separate people.

I think you need some pre-marriage counselling to talk about how you will deal with your money when you’re married, if you have kids, and what to do about it in the meantime.

I had two boyfriends like this. I now have an unbelievably supportive husband who always understood I was on a lower income, and now I’m a SAHM who feels so supported and looked after and recognised for my efforts. I can’t imagine being married to either of my exes (who when I was a student on no more than £800 a month and he on £50k) had to pay 50/50 everything. These types of men don’t make good husbands OP.

I think you have missed some of the OP updated, she was working closer to 90 hours a week, and couldn’t take the stress any longer.

The OP is also starting out in a new career, so will continue to increase her salary over time.

nobody went part time, and no he wasn’t supportive but at the end of the day she had to make a decision based on her needs and health.

shes not asking him to necessarily subsidise but right now can’t afford the expensive restaurant 2/3 time a week, 5 star holidays and luxury food shopping.

OP, there isn’t an easy solution, can you talk through your new career path, how long do you expect it to take to be earning back to where you were? If you have a plan he may feel more comfortable supporting the gap, being clear you aren’t expecting him to pay for your holiday, but perhaps cover the gap or you can’t go.

unfortunately it sounds a bit like he’s schooling you because you have changed things and he’s unhappy.

I was married to someone who took this approach to sharing household income. It didn’t end well. Save yourself the bother by dumping him now and moving somewhere you can afford to (and want to) live within your means.

For the food shop, the immediate solution is you agree on a list and he pays for any extras.

But you've got a deeper and longer term problem here, and you need to have it out with him and find a solution you're both happy with before you get married. This situation just isn't sustainable long-term and your marriage will fail under the pressure. Ask him if he was only with you for your earning power, and point out to him that a divorce will cost him a lot more than some adjustments will!.

How old are you? Are you the same age? Do you want children?

It doesn't seem like you are on the same page at all about lifestyle and money, which would worry me.

If you quit law just before 1PQE and he's been in his career for ten years, does that mean he's a more than a couple of years older than you? Because I think that is relevant too.

I’m flabbergasted that you don’t share your incomes - this is probably non pc (and perhaps old fashioned as we’ve been married donkey’s years) but we’ve always had a joint account - sometimes I earned more, sometimes H did, when I gave up work (burnt out) his was our only income.
We never discussed anything different and have never ever argued about money - ever.
Why would we? We love each other and want the best for each other and our family.
I can’t understand why your partner wouldn’t want the same - incredulous.

Different expectations is ok.

Pushing your expectations of what is a ‘good life’ onto your partner isn’t.
Punishing your partner for making a decision that affects ‘your idea of a good life’ your bank account regardless of the impact the job had on them is not ok.

It doesn’t matter how much the OP can potentially earn in 6 years time. She could earn much more or much less. And so could he!! Illness, accidents, being made redundant, all these life accidents can happen to either of them.
What matters is how he is treating his partner when they’re facing some changes, life a reduced income.
If he can’t treat her well, care, respect her, if he has an attitude of ‘Me first and only Me’ whilst blaming her for the situation, then that’s a major issue. How can they ever face tougher times together, have children etc… in those conditions?

I think there are a few different angles to this.

One being the mortgage. If you own jointly, or equal shares then looking for him to pay more than you is going to seem unreasonable to many. You chose to take the pay cut while still committed to the mortgage, and you’re continuing to see the gains in equity from those mortgage payments.

The rest is a greyer area. You need to live within your means. Your mortgage commitment is a given. Your grocery spend isn’t, same with meals out, holidays etc. You need to cut your cloth on those accordingly. So if they’re being 50/50 split then they need to work to your budget. If he wants to top stuff up that’s fine.

(and the splitting according to incomes thing generally works when people make plans up front on that basis, not retrospectively applying it to long term commitments. So it might work for agreeing how to split a holiday cost that you’re thinking of taking. It doesn’t work for the mortgage you signed up to).

Presumably you earned more than £90k, or thereabouts, when you were an NQ, as he’s only just earning that, he was the lower earner. Was it still 50/50 when you were the higher earner?

But as regards life as a lawyer, you can certainly earn well above £100k doing a job which is largely 9-6. I do. It’s just not in a City firm.

I think you are going to have to do separate food shops and lead more separate lives if he is totally unwilling to reduce your contribution to the mortgage/bills until you get a promotion and a pay rise.

I assume that you were very stressed working as a lawyer in a firm with a long-hours culture where you are constantly on call. Was it affecting your mental health? If so, I think he should be more supportive, particularly as you are planning to climb up the career ladder in your new job which has good long term earning potential.

I think it's fine to have a career change and not being a lawyer doesn't mean you're not ambitious (being a lawyer isn't everything! And it certainly isn't 9-5 even in house).

I think immediately you need to start being overly stingy with yourself to make a point - shall we get a coffee? No i can't afford it. Let's go for dinner? No I can't afford it. Do not get into debt because of his lifestyle.

Then you need to think / discuss how it will work long term if you have children. I don't think completely 50/50 is reasonable where one partner has a greater spending power.

@AnyPomegranate can you give a clue about the new industry? Also looking for a career change!