For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

Absolutely this!!

People are acting like OP is lower earning because she had DCs or something. That’s not what happened. She cut her income to make her life easier and he kept his income high by working harder. Now she wants the easier work life and the high income lifestyle. How is that fair on him?

I would be furious if my DH quit his job and expected me to pay for everything - so would every woman on here.

He’s already subsidised OP without even saying a word. It’s only come up because she wants more than him.

Find someone more empathetic and kind OP. Thats the answer. Marrying someone who can’t or won’t see your perspective (regardless of who’s right or wrong) isn’t a great idea.

Ultimately you not a partnership. Fair enough he earns 90k doesn't want to scrimp and save on a value food shop but then he should be paying more towards it than you do, he definitely sees his money as HIS money. I dont necessarily think he's wrong but its out of balance for what you want which is also not wrong.

Dh used to earn multiples of what I did. But we got our first tiny house on his salary alone. Pooled all our money and when I was on mat leave/part time any money I had was the family fun money vs his paying the bills, as time went on i now earn as much as dh so we split everything 50/50

If I had remained in my low paid job then our initial set up wouldn't change. Our partnership in finances evolved with our circumstances. He doesn't want to evolve those with you. He wants to have his money pay half towards bills and have his fun. You need to decide if thats the set up you want too!

This isn't a partnership.

You are a mug.

You can't afford the place you are living but he's not letting you make that decision.

It's a clear choice for you, ditch him or ditch the place you can't afford because it's unsustainable. For him it's cough up if you want to stay where you are or be ditched because you can't sustain it.

Put it to him in those terms. See what he says.

It will reveal what he values.

And you do need to start living within your means, make a budget and stick to it, regardless of what he plans. If you can't afford it then you can't go.

I have some sympathy with him op. Both of you really.

im 50 now and live a fabulous lifestyle due to my - good - finances. Bear with me. I like it. If I was to date again I would only be looking at men who could join me in my lifestyle without me subbing them. You can say ‘well I can’t afford to go to The Ivy tonight’ if you like, but he is also free to say ‘well I want to eat at the ivy so I’ll find someone who can.’ From what you’ve written, that is exactly what he will do, he is clearly telling you he isn’t prepared to subsidise your decision - which, btw, was totally valid, but has the consequences of having to downgrade your life to support it.

You chose to take a huge paycut. So you can't have it all your own way. yabu.

It doesn't sound like you two function as a team sadly. You deliberately reduced your income, he didn't agree and yet you expect him to financially support you. He's uninterested in how you feel and not planning as a team, with his "what's mine is mine" mindset. There is no shared plan for what you're both doing financially right now, never mind the future. If you have children with you expecting him to fund everything and him expecting to fund nothing, that's a great big mess.

I'd be putting the marriage idea on hold and definitely be very mindful of contraception while you try to work things out. If you can't create a life plan that you both buy into though, then you may find it's for the best to part with kindness now and both find what you're really looking for elsewhere.

I can see both sides (if no DC) but ultimately, you did not value the high wage and expensive property and your lifestyle is unsustainable so you need to insist on selling the property.

I would be furious if my DH quit his job and expected me to pay for everything - so would every woman on here.

I agree. If someone posted on here “I earn a lot more than my partner. We used to earn equal amounts but he decided to move jobs and take a pay cut. He now wants me to pay more of the bills as he can’t afford to. I’ve already taken on more without saying anything as general bills have gone up, but he wants me to pay more of the mortgage as well” the word cocklodger would have been used about 50 times already.

Look at it as if it were the other way round:
You and your partner both earn about the same and decide to take a mortgage out.
Some time after, he decides working 40+ hours isn't for him, so he thinks "to hell with that, she earns enough for the both of us - I'll go part time!".
Is that fair? No it isn't. And I'm assuming your partner wasn't too happy about it when you discussed it with him prior to doing so.

Incidentally, what did he say when you proposed that you would like to reduce your hours down?
I bet he told you that you couldn't cope and you most likely reassureed him that you could could manage perfectly fine.

I suspect that you would have supported his decision to change his career and pool your income so you both can benefit. If he is not willing to do the same for you now, he is not going to change when you have a ring on your finger. Don’t marry him.

I'm assuming you both lawyers, if you were both high earners.

Ultimately you made your choices. You hated your job, you hated the long hours and now that you've changed careers and taken a massive pay cut you now hate that you can't afford your old lifestyle.

You want to move out of london and reduce expenditure and your partner doesn't. Why should he because you chose to do that to your career.

It can't all be about you and what you want. You weren't happy in your job. You made changes and now you want to make changes to your entire lifestyle based on the fact that you weren't happy at work and now earn less money.

He wants to keep the lifestyle he is accustomed to. I bet he didn't know that you were going to jack in your career after buying that expensive house. So you've changed the terms and conditions.

Possibly, you should just sell up split up and go your separate ways. You don't sound particularly compatible anymore and you want very different things.

For what it's worse, i'm a solicitor too. The hours are long the work is hard.It's often a thankless and exhausting environment. But it does allow me to have a very good lifestyle. One of the reasons I would never give it up is I don't want to go back to the bottom rung of a new career and start again with a massive pay cut.

But you wanted out and you can't expect your partner to change his entire lifestyle for you.

Absolutely. All of this.

Hang on, why should anyone support another adult financially that they're not married to?And don't have children with.

If they get married and have children?That's different.I would expect him to support her financially. Right now they're two adults who are living together unmarried, and neither of them owe each other anything.

I'm on your partner's side here. You greatly reduced your income but expected to have the same standard of living.

I did of course discuss taking a pay cut with him when I left my job as a lawyer, and honestly he wasn't very supportive.

I don't blame him-this is a huge red flag from you. You are just expecting him to pick up the pieces from you throwing in your career and deciding you fancy working fewer hours!

You're not married, no children and you don't want to live in London. I suggest you sell the house and move on without each other.

YANBU to split costs proportionally however I would suggest in that case he isn't paying these separate bills that you have no oversight of. Get all outgoings coming out of the same account so you can also review these bills and see if there's any savings to be made, calculate all costs and split proportionally to your income. If he refuses and is happy to see you contribute more than him proportionally and go without then please don't marry him

Edited to add: there's absolutely no reason you he can't still make whatever extravagant food purchases he wants separately but your basic costs should be combined and shared proportionately

I think he is showing you very clearly he does not see the two of you as a team. He wants a certain standard of living, and would have been happy for you to trash your mental health to maintain it. Now you are earning less, he doesn't care if he is leaving you short, and struggling, and he is not willing to sacrifice any of his wants to make it affordable for you. The two of you have very different views on what is important in life. I would be seriously reconsidering marrying him. How do you think it would go if you had DC, or were unwell and unable to earn? I don't think this is a man you can rely on to do anything but what benefits him.

You need to set a budget for how much you’re willing to pay for a food shop/ meal out/ holiday etc and be clear with your partner that that is all you are going to contribute. If he wants to stick to 50/50 he will have to work within the budget. If he wants to choose something over budget he is going to have to do it solo or top up your half if he wants you to join. It’s not fair for him to insist on adding expensive foods to the trolley or to insist on an expensive restaurant which is out of your budget and still expect you to pay half.

Separate everything. Food shops, going out, holidays. Sadly though, I think that this could lead to him thinking you don't care and detaching. Or he might think your being a mardy bump.
When you were struggling at work did he not notice? When you were working until 2 and on weekends? How did he react?
I'd hang on with the wedding. How much has been paid already, how is it being funded?

Completely and totally this.

All these “he thinks that what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is ours” comments… no, it’s the other way around. OP wants all her income and some of his income while he works harder than her. She’s being completely unreasonable!

She didn’t give up work to have kids or benefit the household in any way. She did it because she wanted to, for herself, without his support.

And, as someone who works in a US law firm, I completely understand OP wanting to work fewer hours but I cannot fathom why she wouldn’t find a 9-5 job at a law firm earning £100,000 - which should’ve been easy. Based on the “we were both earning £50,000” comment - it sounds like OP actually quit during her training contract. If so, that was a spectacularly stupid decision financially. I would be absolutely livid if my partner is wouldn’t stick out a job in the short term to qualify, get a £100,000 job working 9-5 and instead quit for a £35,000 job and expected me to cover everything!

I agree that you took the pay cut but the reasons you did this were for your health so it would concern me that he has not supported this. I think you urgently need to have a discussion about money before you get married. What would happen if you went on maternity leave, how would you pay for childcare. Dh has always out earned me but all money goes into one pot, when i had dc we cut costs together, we made sure we could cover expenses together. Ultimately if you cannot afford to do the extras you will begin to lead separate lives with him going put and on holiday without you as you simply cannot afford to join him. I am not sure you are financially compatible. I do see his point that if he earns well he should be able to enjoy it but this means enjoying it without you or leaving you in financial difficulties.

Presumably your salaries didn't rise in lock step from £50k, so did you earn more than his £90k previously? How were the bills split?

This is a tricky one. I think neither of you are being unreasonable. Most people on here who say that they split outgoings proportionate to their earnings are married with children and perhaps one parent has cut hours for childcare etc. so are earning less.

It wasn't really fair of you to quit your job and then ask him to pay more as you wouldn't have been able to quit your job if you were single. But saying that you want to cut back to live within your means but he doesn't, which I can also understand.

It really sounds like all these conversations should have been had before you made the decision to change your job. If he isn't willing to compromise then not sure you have a future but I can see why he is reluctant.