Page 22 | For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

JHound · 04/08/2025 01:57

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:03

Are you a man?

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Unless there was an agreement it was a unilateral decision.

The reality is these two probably should
not be together as their views on financial support differ wildly.

JHound · 04/08/2025 02:03

jacks11 · 03/08/2025 18:41

I know this wasn’t a reply to me- but why must you assume everyone who doesn’t think exactly the same as you is a man?

I’m a woman and I think the OP was a bit foolish to make a major change in her income, given she already had certain financial commitments to meet, without some sort of agreement with her partner in regards to those financial commitments. She says discussed it with him, he was not overly supportive- but nowhere does she mention what the conclusion to that discussion was, so I can only assume they did not actually come to an agreement that he would pay more. Or she knew he wouldn’t and went ahead anyway, thinking he’d come round when it came down to it. Either way, I don’t think this is a particularly sensible approach to a major change in income.

She clearly hated her job and was stressed by the hours (although not sure she was actually physically or mentally ill, as some posters suggest) so I think her choice was valid and not done on a whim- I’m not saying her choice to change career path was a wrong- but clearly lacked a plan or agreement as to how the change in her income was going to be managed and that is a problem.

OP had every right to change her career- for whatever reason and to anything she choses, without any input or agreement from her partner as to the reasons for the change or in regard to what she does or how much she earns- but she really can’t make unilateral decisions and then automatically expect joint financial benefits before they are married. I would also say earning potential is not the same as it actually happening- hopefully it will, but no guarantee.

Her partner might well care for her well-being, but also think “I don’t want to have to go back to scrimping” especially if he is think it’s the more fun time before settling down further- e.g. having children- where spending on discretionary things has to be curtailed. Yes, he could be more supportive but he might think this is exactly the sort of thing OP should be using her savings for, for example (I.e. to support herself to move into the career she wants). They aren’t married yet, after all. I think the discretionary spending on luxury food items could be solved by agreeing to split the costs of the basics, but any luxuries he pays for. Similarly, meals out etc- she goes if she can and I’d expect some compromise e.g. cheaper places or him treating her sometimes.

As I said, if this were the other way round, and it was OP’s partner who had changed career, taken a pay cut and was now asking her to take on a greater proportion of the mortgage and/or living costs- I’m sure lots of posters would be very emphatic about OP protecting her financial interests. Yes, possibly suggesting she supports her partners choice to change careers (though some would certainly not)- but expecting him to use savings or to allow her a greater interest in the property given her increased financial contribution (until they were actually married). There would not be so much support for him and telling OP she should support him, regardless of the financial impact on her.

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I think this is an excellent take on it. I completely understand OP quitting the job that was stressful,
but doing so without a firm plan in place for how finances would be managed was foolish.

JHound · 04/08/2025 02:05

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:59

Seriously, you must be a bloke, she’s LIVING OFF HIM and he gets no advantage from it? I am shocked and disappointed to read such misogynistic posts from people who have not read what she has said. The projection is disturbing; honestly, this is what MEN say ‘living off me’ ‘having an easy life at home’, ’it’s MY MONEY and I worked very hard for it’ also the immediate and aggressive attack on her when they have imagined, made up and projected. You sound like MEN moaning about having to pay child support for your own kids.

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Why are you accusing everybody who disagrees with you of being a man and / or hating women?

lotsofpatience · 04/08/2025 05:16

It's silly to split the bills proportionally. Jobs with higher salaries are more demanding so it's unfair to pay more than someone who is in a less stressful job. I would never accept such proposal.

MissHollysDolly · 04/08/2025 07:31

Hi OP, I’ve read all your posts and glad you’ve sorted the majority out. Shopping-wise, online delivery, meal planning and a budget are your friend! We have a monthly food budget (weekly doesn’t work, as all it takes is for you to be out of loo roll, coffee and washing powder and that’s another £30!) the budget covers our main weekly shop - and we meal plan for this - and then if either of us fancies steak or whatever on a Wednesday we go and buy it.

BIossomtoes · 04/08/2025 08:47

lotsofpatience · 04/08/2025 05:16

It's silly to split the bills proportionally. Jobs with higher salaries are more demanding so it's unfair to pay more than someone who is in a less stressful job. I would never accept such proposal.

No they’re not. The least demanding job I ever had was the best paid by a wide margin. Care work is hugely demanding and pays buttons.

Whiningatwine · 04/08/2025 08:59

JHound · 04/08/2025 01:57

Unless there was an agreement it was a unilateral decision.

The reality is these two probably should
not be together as their views on financial support differ wildly.

Edited

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Just for the previous poster I am not a man. I have however been the significantly higher earner in a relationship which fell apart. Me and my ex bought a lovely house together, I was always the higher earner and that was fine. I told him one day I had a promotion at work. Within a week he had gone part time at work because "we could afford it"

I found it absolutely exhausting knowing that I was the one that was entirely responsible for ensuring the bills were paid and being responsible for the whole family.

If I lost my job that was it- game over. If he lost his, then it made no difference we'd still cope. The pressure was massive. Every time I'd get us a little ahead he'd cut back further because "we" could afford it.

LemondrizzleShark · 04/08/2025 10:06

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:59

Seriously, you must be a bloke, she’s LIVING OFF HIM and he gets no advantage from it? I am shocked and disappointed to read such misogynistic posts from people who have not read what she has said. The projection is disturbing; honestly, this is what MEN say ‘living off me’ ‘having an easy life at home’, ’it’s MY MONEY and I worked very hard for it’ also the immediate and aggressive attack on her when they have imagined, made up and projected. You sound like MEN moaning about having to pay child support for your own kids.

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And how misogynistic are you, comparing an adult woman living with her boyfriend to a child wholly dependent on a parent? 🤯

OneCleverEagle · 04/08/2025 10:39

If he's like this now how's it going to be when OP is on maternity / looking after children and he's treating all the household income as his own or giving her a meagre allowance whilst he makes no changes to his lifestyle?

ruethewhirl · 04/08/2025 10:48

BIossomtoes · 04/08/2025 08:47

No they’re not. The least demanding job I ever had was the best paid by a wide margin. Care work is hugely demanding and pays buttons.

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Was just about to say something similar. Ridiculous to claim the best paid jobs are always the most stressful and vice versa.

BeenThereBackThen · 04/08/2025 11:56

Whiningatwine · 04/08/2025 08:59

Just for the previous poster I am not a man. I have however been the significantly higher earner in a relationship which fell apart. Me and my ex bought a lovely house together, I was always the higher earner and that was fine. I told him one day I had a promotion at work. Within a week he had gone part time at work because "we could afford it"

I found it absolutely exhausting knowing that I was the one that was entirely responsible for ensuring the bills were paid and being responsible for the whole family.

If I lost my job that was it- game over. If he lost his, then it made no difference we'd still cope. The pressure was massive. Every time I'd get us a little ahead he'd cut back further because "we" could afford it.

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Well, that’s a completely different scenario where less earning partner was taking the piss and unilaterally making decisions that made only his life easier, at the expense of @Whiningatwine

OP is not doing that, she sounds ambitious and with a long term plan for her new career. Her partner is refusing to see that and support her which is not much of a partnership/relationship.

lotsofpatience · 04/08/2025 19:33

ruethewhirl · 04/08/2025 10:48

Was just about to say something similar. Ridiculous to claim the best paid jobs are always the most stressful and vice versa.

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Ok in that case the only thing OP needs to do is to get one of those low stress high salary jobs and they will be laughing in no time.

Aoppley · 04/08/2025 19:39

lotsofpatience · 04/08/2025 19:33

Ok in that case the only thing OP needs to do is to get one of those low stress high salary jobs and they will be laughing in no time.

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That's what OP is doing. Eventually she'll be on a high salary, but might take years to get there.

My DH for example is on 80k on a low stress job, working less than I was for 35k. But I couldn't just get his job as I'd have to go back to uni to do a completely different degree, and then get paid less than that for 5 years. I have what is considered a much harder degree than him by the way, but the area I work in doesn't pay well.

Poppins21 · 07/08/2025 06:31

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:03

Are you a man?

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i am a woman i agree with this post. If he had agreed and supported the decision but he didn’t so why should he. I think they have different values and life goals and that’s ok but probably best to call it a day and find more compatible partners. It sounds like they both had the same goals at the beginning -careers and London living. Myself and my husband share finances - everything goes into a central kitty and we both get equal pocket money. But we have very similar values when it comes to money and I do the day to day bills and budgets and we discuss investments etc.

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 21/08/2025 16:37

For your peace of mind and financial comfort, tell him you are considering moving to more affordable housing in a moderate area convenient for yourself. You need to live in your means if your income is less. 50/50 is only fair when the income is the same for both. Save yourself! If your relationship means anything special to him, he will understand that. It sounds like he is looking out for himself and his own comfort. You are just a convenience.

Time to reevaluate your relationship and yourself.

Look into this book, I had to read it and it stiffened my backbone: Too Good to Leave and Too Bad to Stay. Mira Kirshenbaum.

BeCleverViewer · 30/08/2025 04:33

I would befor you take any big decision check the health of your relationship. You've fundamentally alter the terms of your immediate future, its reasonable for him to make big choices by himself,as you did to. From my perspective I couldn't continue with a relationship if my partner suddenly made such a large choice against my preference that directly impacted the entire household. To be brutal if your planning children in the next few years this was very stupid unless you can get better maternity pay in your new situation.

MumsGoneToIceland · 30/08/2025 07:58

AnyPomegranate · 01/08/2025 08:46

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

Our contributions are proportionate to our income so that we each have the same amount of spending money. I personally think it’s the only fair way to do it.
Whats slightly different here is that it doesn’t sound like you did it when you were earning more or that your Dh was onboard with you cutting your salary nor that you discussed the financial impact at the time. I can see why he may be a bit irked if you took such a pay cut and didn’t agree on the financial impact before doing so tbh

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 30/08/2025 19:46

A person's income is private. You've earned it. If you decide to take a pay cut for less stress or responsibility, it's your decision, your back.

Each person should share expenses based upon whether it's bills, products or servicesthat both use or incur. Mortgages are the responsibility of the one who signed the contract. The renters did not sign the mortgage nor will they own a piece of that real estate investment. Renter's share should be less 50% bc they receive no longterm benefit as the owner will. Assets of the renters is not the concern of the landlord, nor is the income of the renter, as long as the renter pays the contractual amount they signed for upon taking residence. If the owners house burns down or floods, will the renter be compensated for their losses? Not unless they have renters insurance on their belongings.