Page 21 | For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

AnyPomegranate · 2025-08-01T07:46:05+00:00

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below). Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine. I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware). I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

EBTR · 03/08/2025 17:54

Newmumburnout · 02/08/2025 07:53

This isnt very nice is it. I used to earn a lot less than my DH and he paid more. Then we earned the same amount and we paid equal. My DH did not like his job and I was happy for him to change jobs and take a reduction in pay. Then I paid more to support him. He is now looking at a promotion and if he gets it he will pay more. This is what partners do, if you want each other to he happy. Him being able to "throw stuff in the trolly" is more important than you being happy in your job OP. Its not like you just quit working !

What she said.

EBTR · 03/08/2025 17:56

GRex · 02/08/2025 11:01

You seem to getting a lot of stick on this thread about changing your career in order to improve your mental health and wellbeing. Some posters talk about lifestyle as though it all hinges on money.
You appear to have missed that you are on a thread where the OP is saying she wants her DP to in effect give her money.

I do find it a bit sad to go onto thread after thread of women choosing the route of having less money, then moaning about it! These are supposedly educated women, with all opportunities lying at their feet yet rejecting decent wages and picking selfish men. These are the women who a few years later turn up wondering why DH ia off on holiday when they are 36 weeks pregnant, then a few years later complaining they have to do everything at home because of the DH's big "man" job. Then the ones a few years down the line from that moaning that he's wandered off with a woman from work and how can they make sure they get enough money from him to live on, and how hard done by that they "gave up" so much "for the family". Take some bloody responsibility for yourselves! And yes OP, that starts with you.

Honestly, are you a man?

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:00

AIBU79 · 03/08/2025 10:12

@AnyPomegranate I had a very similar experience. When I was with my ex he earned around £80k including his yearly bonus. I earned considerably less. I retrained and earned about a third of his wage. I always paid 50/50. He wanted 5* hotel holidays, eating out etc and always expected me to pay half. He didn’t drive and everywhere we went I drove and had to pay for petrol and car upkeep. He never contributed. We had the same issue with food. Before we had kids I made him buy his own food as he wanted steak etc and I don’t eat much meat. I still paid half for all bills during my maternity leave for both kids. We bought a house together that stretched me. He would go out on weekends because he had money and I didn’t. He cheated (I only found out years after it started. He wanted his cake and to eat it!). We are no longer together but I am now much happier. I cut my cloth accordingly. Funnily enough I’m the one who takes the kids on holidays etc whilst he still spends his money on him and his most recent affair partner (there were lots). The current AP earns more than him which he hates so he tries to ensure they go swanky places to make him look more interesting.

My advice is don’t waste 13 years (like I did!) of your life on this man. You are financially incompatible. Things will never improve!

This exactly!

BeenThereBackThen · 03/08/2025 18:02

Bowies · 03/08/2025 11:36

I wouldn’t marry him. The relationship doesn’t have legs, short answer.

This sums it up perfectly, actually.

This is just the beginning of what you will see once you get pregnant/go on maternity leave/will take pay cut potentially in order to be there for children more.

These are his beliefs and values. They won’t change i’m affraid.

With marriage planned etc i suspect you will stay with him but i can foresee rough ride with this guy in the future.

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:03

Whiningatwine · 01/08/2025 16:02

She discussed with him. He wasn't supportive and she went ahead anyway. He never signed up to pick up her shortfall. She imposed that on him without his agreement.

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Are you a man?

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:09

MarieAndTwinette · 02/08/2025 10:20

But if he had been given a choice he might have concluded that he didn’t want to throw his lot in with someone who didn’t match his financial aspirations. That is fair enough, surely. She went ahead even though he objected. If her actions were temporary that would be different. He has no obligation to subsidise her just because she wants him to.

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More misogynistic projection. The OP says that she will eventually earn much more.

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:13

AnyPomegranate · 01/08/2025 09:05

Thanks so much for the responses so far. To answer some of the questions that have come up:

We are getting married next year.

I did of course discuss taking a pay cut with him when I left my job as a lawyer, and honestly he wasn't very supportive. But I was working as a lawyer at one of the big firms in the City and honestly it was running me ragged - I didn't want to spend the rest of my life working until 2am or having to drop everything at the weekend to work because some unexpected deal had just come in. I am so much happier now working a 'normal' job and I don't regret it at all. I will earn more in time, it's just that I'm currently at the bottom of the ladder. My partner does and has always worked a regular 9 to 5 so I don't really feel like he understood how demanding my job could be.

When we first took out the mortgage we were both on about £50k, so £100k joint household income. So now our household income is actually higher, it's just split differently between us if that makes sense.

I think you're right in that I have to just start saying no to going out etc. I did bring up the food shop with him and he essentially said, 'My penny pinching days are over, I earn £90k and if I want to chuck something I want in the trolley then I should be able to'. I don't really know what the solution is apart from separate food shops.

OP, you come across as reasonable, fair-minded and honest. If I were you, I would buy a copy of Euripides’ Alcestis in translation and read it. Then give it to your fiancé to read. Please do not marry this see you next Tuesday. He is abusive and does not show you the respect and love you deserve.

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:15

Tiswa · 01/08/2025 14:51

@AnyPomegranate he didn’t sign up for a particular lifestyle he should be signing up for you. Marriage which you are planning on doing is about committing to a person through the ups and the downs. Because in life there will be high points and there will be low points.

I married my DH because he was the person I wanted to navigate my way through life even the difficult bits that mean you have to take stock

the fact he wants you to be part of a lifestyle
for me you run you run as fast as you can away from him

Thank you. An admirably succinct appraisal of the situation.

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:18

naomisno1fan · 01/08/2025 09:26

Financial abuse!

leave before you have kids.

he’s milking you

Yes!

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:36

Lafufufu · 01/08/2025 09:56

The following is coming to from a 40yo high earner with a 3 and 1 yo.

Think Carefully. Do it now BEFORE you marry.

You need to ask ALL the hard questions and have all the hard conversations with this man now before you marry.
And I mean ALL.
Off the top of my head:

If you are infertile would he fund "your" ivf?
If you cant pay "your half" of holidays is he going on his own with his mates?
Is he going to sit in business while you are in cattle class with the kids?
When you retire and he has a huge pension pot and 7k pm income and you have 1k how is that going to work?
what happens if you are chronically ill?

And dont just listen to what he says, words are cheap. Pay attention to whether or not it resonates - in your heart do you know he is selfish?

Depressingly, the single most important determinant of your future happiness is the man you marry.

You and your fiance / partner sound like you have fundamentally different values.
This moronic notion we are sold that "women are equal" does not wash once children come into the picture. It just doesn't.

Candidly my dh and I are both quite "performance" based (ie more in your fiancé's camp) but still if either of us said we were burned out and couldnt keep going they'd have support from the other. It would need to be a clear plan not just "i quit" but we wouldn't want to see the other sick or unhappy.

Children also change everything. I thought I had my eyes open going in and was smug id made all the "right" choices to outplay the system - I was an idiot. I had no clue how much the patriarchy is in full swing. It's built into the fabric of society and our unconscious to an astounding degree.
If he wont "share" now you'll be royally up shit creek post kids. Selfishness is a poor quality in a husband.
In 10 yrs are you going to be cutting your own hair and shopping in charity shops while using your remaining deposible income to pay for kids things while he complains his Hugo boss golf shirt isnt properly pressed for his golf day?

I am not saying dont marry - i am saying get on the same page before you do and find out WHO you are marrying and work out if you can live with that before you sign up

At a minimum he should be freely paying for all the "extras"
eg before kids and marriage I'd pay for our holidays / fancy meals any big things for the house. I aas happy to "treat" my DH. I want us to enjoy life together and I knew we were building a life together.

Right now this guy isnt your life partner - he's happy to watch you struggle while he has a decent surplus.
If he wants a business partner who will cook his meals and raise his kids I'd advise you look elsewhere unless you want a life of discontent.

Separately (&because I'm nosey) who is paying for the big fat wedding?

Edited

I think this is a very perceptive and important post from someone who has experience. I totally agree that you need to take some time and really reflect on what has happened and how he has pointed blank refused to make a single compromise. Therapy would be ideal but probably a bit impractical if your income is stretched. Have you got good girlfriends who know you and have your back? I hope so. Talk to them.
The acid test; if your situations were reversed would you behave towards your fiancé the way he is behaving to you?

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:40

HerkyBaby · 01/08/2025 09:44

Shop for food separately so that you are not subsidising his expensive tastes. When eating out insist on paying for what you’ve eaten and had to drink. That way you can eat a starter for a main course and drink tap water without being fearful of the 50/50 shared bill. As far as holidays are concerned it is perfectly acceptable to say I can’t afford to go.
Quite simply OP you’ve taken a dramatic pay cut but now need to cut your cloth accordingly.
if you are taking money out of savings to keep up with the lifestyle he wishes to lead you are jeopardising your future financial security in order to appease your partner and that’s not the answer to your current situation.

Do you honestly think this woman should drink TAP WATER when out for dinner with her fiancé?

jacks11 · 03/08/2025 18:41

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:03

Are you a man?

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I know this wasn’t a reply to me- but why must you assume everyone who doesn’t think exactly the same as you is a man?

I’m a woman and I think the OP was a bit foolish to make a major change in her income, given she already had certain financial commitments to meet, without some sort of agreement with her partner in regards to those financial commitments. She says discussed it with him, he was not overly supportive- but nowhere does she mention what the conclusion to that discussion was, so I can only assume they did not actually come to an agreement that he would pay more. Or she knew he wouldn’t and went ahead anyway, thinking he’d come round when it came down to it. Either way, I don’t think this is a particularly sensible approach to a major change in income.

She clearly hated her job and was stressed by the hours (although not sure she was actually physically or mentally ill, as some posters suggest) so I think her choice was valid and not done on a whim- I’m not saying her choice to change career path was a wrong- but clearly lacked a plan or agreement as to how the change in her income was going to be managed and that is a problem.

OP had every right to change her career- for whatever reason and to anything she choses, without any input or agreement from her partner as to the reasons for the change or in regard to what she does or how much she earns- but she really can’t make unilateral decisions and then automatically expect joint financial benefits before they are married. I would also say earning potential is not the same as it actually happening- hopefully it will, but no guarantee.

Her partner might well care for her well-being, but also think “I don’t want to have to go back to scrimping” especially if he is think it’s the more fun time before settling down further- e.g. having children- where spending on discretionary things has to be curtailed. Yes, he could be more supportive but he might think this is exactly the sort of thing OP should be using her savings for, for example (I.e. to support herself to move into the career she wants). They aren’t married yet, after all. I think the discretionary spending on luxury food items could be solved by agreeing to split the costs of the basics, but any luxuries he pays for. Similarly, meals out etc- she goes if she can and I’d expect some compromise e.g. cheaper places or him treating her sometimes.

As I said, if this were the other way round, and it was OP’s partner who had changed career, taken a pay cut and was now asking her to take on a greater proportion of the mortgage and/or living costs- I’m sure lots of posters would be very emphatic about OP protecting her financial interests. Yes, possibly suggesting she supports her partners choice to change careers (though some would certainly not)- but expecting him to use savings or to allow her a greater interest in the property given her increased financial contribution (until they were actually married). There would not be so much support for him and telling OP she should support him, regardless of the financial impact on her.

FrippEnos · 03/08/2025 18:46

jacks11 · 03/08/2025 18:41

I know this wasn’t a reply to me- but why must you assume everyone who doesn’t think exactly the same as you is a man?

I’m a woman and I think the OP was a bit foolish to make a major change in her income, given she already had certain financial commitments to meet, without some sort of agreement with her partner in regards to those financial commitments. She says discussed it with him, he was not overly supportive- but nowhere does she mention what the conclusion to that discussion was, so I can only assume they did not actually come to an agreement that he would pay more. Or she knew he wouldn’t and went ahead anyway, thinking he’d come round when it came down to it. Either way, I don’t think this is a particularly sensible approach to a major change in income.

She clearly hated her job and was stressed by the hours (although not sure she was actually physically or mentally ill, as some posters suggest) so I think her choice was valid and not done on a whim- I’m not saying her choice to change career path was a wrong- but clearly lacked a plan or agreement as to how the change in her income was going to be managed and that is a problem.

OP had every right to change her career- for whatever reason and to anything she choses, without any input or agreement from her partner as to the reasons for the change or in regard to what she does or how much she earns- but she really can’t make unilateral decisions and then automatically expect joint financial benefits before they are married. I would also say earning potential is not the same as it actually happening- hopefully it will, but no guarantee.

Her partner might well care for her well-being, but also think “I don’t want to have to go back to scrimping” especially if he is think it’s the more fun time before settling down further- e.g. having children- where spending on discretionary things has to be curtailed. Yes, he could be more supportive but he might think this is exactly the sort of thing OP should be using her savings for, for example (I.e. to support herself to move into the career she wants). They aren’t married yet, after all. I think the discretionary spending on luxury food items could be solved by agreeing to split the costs of the basics, but any luxuries he pays for. Similarly, meals out etc- she goes if she can and I’d expect some compromise e.g. cheaper places or him treating her sometimes.

As I said, if this were the other way round, and it was OP’s partner who had changed career, taken a pay cut and was now asking her to take on a greater proportion of the mortgage and/or living costs- I’m sure lots of posters would be very emphatic about OP protecting her financial interests. Yes, possibly suggesting she supports her partners choice to change careers (though some would certainly not)- but expecting him to use savings or to allow her a greater interest in the property given her increased financial contribution (until they were actually married). There would not be so much support for him and telling OP she should support him, regardless of the financial impact on her.

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The only bit that you have missed is the OP wanting to move house to somewhere cheaper and the fiance travelling once a week, further increasing his outgoings.

And yes EBRT is just trying to shutdown discussion with the "are your a man?" posts

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:50

redskydelight · 01/08/2025 10:24

My experience of "the mental load" before children was that I didn't realise it was a thing.
My bills were all on direct debits, if I wanted to go out I checked my diary to see if I was doing anything else that day, and if I wasn't I went. I guess maybe there was a bit of effort involved in ad-hoc things like sorting insurances. Maybe an hour a week on average would have covered it?

Actually, OP has said that all the bills come out of her partner's account and she doesn't even know how much they are, so sounds like he may well be picking up more of these things anyway.

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No, she says that when they went over the figures he was only paying £20 per month more than her.

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:59

FinancialThyme · 01/08/2025 10:36

Because if they made a joint decision for her to be a housewife then:
a) it would be a joint decision
b) he would benefit from her contribution.

Her living off him isn’t a benefit to him in any way. Why should be get all the downsides while she gets all the upsides? That’s not a partnership. A partnership is not about one person always getting the short straw - that’s what OP wants here.

You’ve conveniently ignored the part where OP earned a lot more than him and didn’t pay more. I wonder why you don’t want to discuss that…

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Seriously, you must be a bloke, she’s LIVING OFF HIM and he gets no advantage from it? I am shocked and disappointed to read such misogynistic posts from people who have not read what she has said. The projection is disturbing; honestly, this is what MEN say ‘living off me’ ‘having an easy life at home’, ’it’s MY MONEY and I worked very hard for it’ also the immediate and aggressive attack on her when they have imagined, made up and projected. You sound like MEN moaning about having to pay child support for your own kids.

CaptainFuture · 03/08/2025 18:59

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:50

No, she says that when they went over the figures he was only paying £20 per month more than her.

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Nope, £200 more? He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware). But again when she earned more 50/50 was fine... now he earns more 50/50 isn't fair?...

FinancialThyme · 03/08/2025 19:00

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:59

Seriously, you must be a bloke, she’s LIVING OFF HIM and he gets no advantage from it? I am shocked and disappointed to read such misogynistic posts from people who have not read what she has said. The projection is disturbing; honestly, this is what MEN say ‘living off me’ ‘having an easy life at home’, ’it’s MY MONEY and I worked very hard for it’ also the immediate and aggressive attack on her when they have imagined, made up and projected. You sound like MEN moaning about having to pay child support for your own kids.

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What the hell are you on about?

GRex · 03/08/2025 19:12

EBTR · 03/08/2025 17:54

What she said.

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Oh get a grip, no. I have been extremely clear that this man appears to be fundamentally selfish and people like OP should run a mile before putting their future into the hands of a man like that. You can do "supportive" as much as you like, but I'll keep to giving the advice that adults should take full responsibility for their own lives, which for anyone in OP's situation includes ditching the selfish man.

jacks11 · 03/08/2025 20:35

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:59

Seriously, you must be a bloke, she’s LIVING OFF HIM and he gets no advantage from it? I am shocked and disappointed to read such misogynistic posts from people who have not read what she has said. The projection is disturbing; honestly, this is what MEN say ‘living off me’ ‘having an easy life at home’, ’it’s MY MONEY and I worked very hard for it’ also the immediate and aggressive attack on her when they have imagined, made up and projected. You sound like MEN moaning about having to pay child support for your own kids.

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What are you on about? Right now they are not married and do not have children. She would like him to pick up the financial tab- or agree to move somewhere he does not want to- for her decision to change career and the resulting loss of income (however valid the reasons for that choice). it is not misogynistic for him to say that he is not up for meeting those costs or moving from his preferred location- I’m not even convinced it is necessarily unreasonably selfish. It is incompatible with OP’s wishes though- which are also not unreasonable given the changes she has decided to make. There is no compromise here- they either move or they do not; they either stop having luxuries or they don’t; he either loses a proportion of his disposable income or he does not. One of them does not get what they would ideally like. She made the changes, for her benefit (however valid her reasons), so I don’t think she can expect him to make all the compromises. That’s not misogynistic- that is realistic.

She was unreasonable to make those changes before having had some sort of plan, or agreement with her partner, about how she would manage her financial obligations given her drop in income. For all we know, he could have thought OP had considered this when making her decisions regarding her career change and had put plans in place to mitigate (e.g. had enough savings to cover the “few years” she anticipates a before her income goes back to previous). I would have expected my partner to have either be able to meet their obligations, or to have sat down with me and worked out a plan we had both agreed to, before proceeding to make career changes which impacted their finances. Instead, he now discovers her plan was that he would pay a higher proportion of the mortgage, absorb the rise in living costs etc. So, his ability to have discretionary spending or put cash into savings is curtailed whilst OP gets to keep her savings as she does have savings she just does not to use them all (which I can understand, to a point). It’s not unreasonable to baulk at this when you haven’t agreed to it prior to your partner changing career.

At the very least, I would say he would have to protect his financial interests by making a legal agreement re the property so that his increased financial contribution is recognised should they split before marriage. After all, there is no guarantee that OP’s projected anticipated income rises will come to pass (just as he could lose his job tomorrow). I would advise a woman in the same position as OPs partner to do the same thing. It might not be romantic, but it is the wisest thing to do financially.

BeenThereBackThen · 03/08/2025 20:43

Did you speak to him more about the situation ? @AnyPomegranate

MarieAndTwinette · 03/08/2025 20:46

EBTR · 03/08/2025 18:09

More misogynistic projection. The OP says that she will eventually earn much more.

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Misogynistic? The language is off perhaps because I wrote that post very quickly. We all have different values. I have never been supported by a man. I have always wanted to support myself. I cannot imagine myself in OP’s situation. If a man said he didn’t support my career choice I would have to reevaluate and ask myself if we were on the same page.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/08/2025 22:02

Ablondiebutagoody · 01/08/2025 09:00

Team fiance here. You knew the level of your joint bills when you made the decision to career change. That, or agreeing that fiance would subsidise you, should have been part of the decision making process at the time.

What if he also decided to chill out on £35k? Would you be OK with that?

I think op would be ok if he earnt less too and they would then both leave London and both get a cheaper food shop but have less stress

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/08/2025 22:05

I would say the food shop is on him and you top up what you need, and you take turns to pay for dates - he can treat you to dates on his budget and you can take him to pizza express.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/08/2025 22:05

But I don't think you can tell him at this stage to lay more mortgage

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 03/08/2025 22:31

You shouldn’t be going 50:50 when he earns so much more than you. He’s very comfortable, you’re broke and he’s got the attitude of ‘yeah, well - you chose this for yourself.’ It’s very selfish and mean of him. I’ve always split bills etc based on a ratio of who earns what.