For wanting my partner to pay more of the mortgage?

[AnyPomegranate]

My fiancé makes about £90k pa plus bonus. I used to earn extremely well as a lawyer but decided to career change as I loathed the work and long hours. I now earn £35k with good future earning potential. We live in London and pay about £3000 pm for mortgage/bills which we split mostly 50/50 (see below).

Currently I'm about £200 short per month. I'm doing my best to increase my income and reduce expenses, but ultimately £35k doesn't go far in London so I'm finding it a little stressful. Part of the problem is that my partner isn't making it easy to budget - he insists on staying in London (I want to move) and because he earns well he wants to regularly eat out, go on holidays, buy what he wants in the food shop etc. It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

I was reading online that some couples split bills as a proportion of their income, rather than 50/50. So today I asked him if he would mind paying a little bit more of the mortgage so that I have enough to break even, just temporarily until I'm able to get a promotion. He told me no, it was my decision to take a pay cut. He also pointed out (reasonably) that the bills have gone up so he's already paying about £200 more than me as it is (the bills come out of his account so I wasn't aware).

I can see his point of view so I'm not sure if what I'm asking is cheeky or reasonable. Please be gentle, I'm aware that I'm in a privileged position compared to a lot of people.

If you can't afford the 50% of payments, either he'll have to pay more or you'll have to sell.
I can't imagine marrying someone so selfish tbh. It sounds like you were at the end of a very frayed rope when you made the decision to change career.
He'll also have to holiday and eat out alone and cook his own more expensive food...he's not exactly being supportive now, what will happen if you start a family?

I can see why he might be annoyed he would end up losing out because you've decided to drop your salary to get a job you prefer, if he did the same, you would basically be unable to afford where you live currently. If you'd agreed the move together with the finances before you changed jobs, or because you were needing to change jobs to look after a joint child, that would be different
However he is unreasonable to expect you to fork out for things that aren't needed and you can't afford and if he isn't willing to change house to make it possible for you to pay 50/50, then I would say he is being unreasonable.
You'll either need to get another job to afford to stay in the existing house, move house to somewhere more affordable so you can continue contributing 50/50, change the proportion of the payments so you're no longer paying 50/50 or you need to go your separate ways. If you can't agree on a compromise then you have no choice but to go with the last option of you can't afford to pay 50/50

I didn't see that she quit before she was a year qualified.

It's very hard, and by the sound of it, she didn't even try. There are things you can do. Move into things like legal publishing. Lexis take in house lawyers. Move into risk and compliance. In fact in house anywhere really.

The fact is, she didn't even try. She quit before she even had a year's experience as a solicitor. Therefore, not only has she given up a career, she's given it up without giving it a go, and she doesn't have much work experience to take elsewhere.

I think if my partner said he was quitting his job and reducing his earnings that low.I don't think it would be supporting in either.Especially not that young.

A good litmus test if you'd be ok if the situation was reversed

Of course it's not financial abuse.
OP made free choices to pay 50/50. She's actually paying less than that.

It's funny you say that because I interviewed at two of those firms 🤣 I did ask what a typical working day was and they said a good day was 9 - 7.

I would support him earning £35,000 if he was burnt out at work but I would expect us to move to a lower cost of living earlier and cut luxuries until we are in a position to increase spending again

Absolutely. Paralegal, legal secretaries, legal recruitment, legal publishing, legal research or tech development, in-house roles, lecturing… all pay way more than OP is on. I’d be really annoyed - and, to be clear, 2am wouldn’t have been every night like OP is making out. She only did it for a few months! At less than one year PQ, OP could’ve easily pivoted into tax or pensions or real estate or something else with better hours (for almost exactly the same pay as she was on).

Bit late to have the conversation now. But you can say you're moving out of the expensive area and ask if he's coming.

While I can see the point that the OP's fiance shouldn't be expected to subsidise her career change, it sounds like he's now also expecting her to subsidise him in the form of expensive things that he's made clear that HE wants to buy and she's happy not to. He can't have it both ways.

Separate food shops on this basis is a ridiculous idea in a long term, committed relationship but this is a good example of why anything other than proportional contributions doesn't work. You have to accept each other as you are, not the idealised versions of each other you originally met - will he be equally resentful if you change the goalposts by putting on weight for example, or suffer from some kind of chronic illness that means major lifestyle changes? Or will he expect things to always remain how they were in the beginning and refuse to be a part of any changes? As someone else pointed out, what about when you have children? How is he going to divide up finances and workload then? How are you going to organise paying for things for the children? Is he happy to step back and look after the kids with the attendant pay cut so you can go back to work, while still contributing his full 50%? Unlikely. However would you, @AnyPomegranate be happy to pick up the financial shortfall should he decide to take a much lower paying job in order to reduce his stress levels?

There are so many things wrong with this sort of arrangement but what it comes down to is a lack of genuine partnership in a relationship. I don't like to go around smugly as if my husband and I have everything absolutely perfect and all #couple goals (😡what?! There's no vomit emoji here?!), but any and all money we bring in is family money. That's it. No his or mine. No-one has any resentment. I can see there might be in the earlier days or should one be a heavier spender than the other but ultimately when you care about each other you don't want the person you love to go without. In any way. If you are planning marriage, kids and forever how long will it go on being his vs yours? 40, 50 years down the line will he still be insisting you pay 'your share'? And if your pension is smaller than his (given that women are generaly financially penalised for the career break involved in having kids) will he be happy to see you both in separate retirement homes because you can't afford the same one as him?!

There's a thread here at the moment where the OP's (also awful in many other ways) husband doesn't contribute to their joint children because he feels she wanted them more than him so he's done her a favour by having them. Obviously this is a fucking awful basis for having kids or a relationship altogether but that's another thread. The point is that you and he need to have a very, very serious discussion about these things to avoid finding yourself in this sort of hole.

It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

You do don't have a household income of 125k. Financially speaking, you are flatmates which one on 90k and the other on 35k. You need to live accordingly.

if I want to chuck something I want in the trolley then I should be able to

If I had got a joint mortgage with my partner based on our salaries, they had then unilaterally decided to quit this and take a much lower paid job, despite me disagreeing, then I had to pay £200 a month towards bills due to cost of living going up, then they told me I should be paying even more, I would be pissed off, if they stopped me putting things I wanted in the shopping trolley, yes I would be even more pissed off!

Time to call the wedding off and go your separate ways.

Thank you for your comment. To clarify, I do think I'm ambitious (I was a lawyer!) and I do want the same lifestyle as him. I would just like to cut expenses in the short-term until I'm promoted, which I expect will be 1 - 2 years away. The career I've chosen has fantastic earning potential, it's just that I'm starting again at the bottom while he's more established in his. I hope that makes sense

So, how many hours are you working if you earn £35,000 but turned your nose up at £90,000 for 9-7?

Did you get offers from those firms?

They have to set expectations. It’s probably a question to ask a contact in the term rather than in an interview (especially because someone interviewing you wouldn’t know what hours an NQ does).

If there was no commitments to the future I’d say a 50:50 split was reasonable but your getting married nows the time to talk about pooling resources . What if you have kids would he support you on mat leave ? If you chose to reduce your hours to fit round child care? He also seems a bit mean, he knows you earn a third of why he does but expects you to pay half of his lifestyle choices. It down the line he lost his job and had to take a lower paid one would you expect him to pay half? I’d think hard about it he’s a jeeper

Add up what extra he is spending. He either wants joint finances or not. He can't have it both ways.

I'd 100% call her bluff on this knowing that she is on £35k a year, where is she going to go? Doubt she wants to leave the south east, and if the she wants to move up north or something, would he have to move jobs etc.

Seems like all the expectation is on him to change his life/lifestyle to accommodate her decision to move to less well paid job.

YANBU OP- to an extent. I know lots of ex magic circle lawyers who have quit, started at the bottom and worked back up in things like the government legal department, local government and even teaching and 5-10 years down the line they have a much more rewarding/ sustainable life and career than in house/ smaller firm.

But I think he’s not being totally U either, I think the difference is in one of aspirations/ ambition. He wants to work long hours to pay for a certain lifestyle (London centric etc), you’d prefer a slightly better quality of life but a house outside London/ lower spends.

You honestly though need to sort this out before you marry and have kids as it’s only ever going to get worse.

I think you need to start saying no to the things you can’t afford, but also ask him how you are going to arrange your finances once married.

My DP out earns me by a considerable distance. Prior to having children we split everything 50/50, but once our first DC was born we split things disproportionately (in my favour) and he bought our house in joint names (which he pays for). I haven’t returned to work after second DC so we now have shared finances.

Now is actually not that difficult, but if your DP maintains this attitude throughout varying life circumstances it’s going to be very difficult.

Before you marry this guy, you need to seriously consider his behaviour and whether you are right for each other anymore.
Sounds like he wants a different life style from you and doesn't care about your wellbeing. Was he really happy with you bringing home a large salary but never seeing you?!

This is insane to me, you aren’t in a house/flat share where it needs to be 50/50 you are engaged to be married! My husband earns over double what I do (50k vs 20k) and he pays much more of the bills than I do. Maybe I’m coming from this as someone who has never earned a large salary (and never will) but I am a big believer in doing what is right for you and your mental health and if getting a new job and taking a pay cut was what you needed to do, I feel like a partner should be supportive of that!

Don’t marry him! You have different values and fundamentally he is not prepared to put your wellbeing above his lifestyle. He will grind you down on maternity if you have kids and he sticks to this 50-50 thing. I can see other poster’s point about him not signing off on the job change, but the fact remains that you have an incompatibility on something hugely important. He is not for you.

It feels silly to say that I'm finding it hard financially on a household income of £125k, but obviously the vast majority of that money is my partner's and not mine.

If you're splitting everything 50:50 despite the earning disparity, then really you're living a 62.5k life on a 35k income so it's hardly surprising you're struggling. I'm surprised you're only £200 short.

You may have chosen a different career but you are working, you were miserable before and your salary is expected to rise. 50:50 isn't fair when incomes are different and if he loves you then he should see finances as shared. I'd worry that if you had kids, he'd not pitch in any extra because you "chose" to take mat leave or whatever.

Mean with money, mean with love.

Whatever you do, do not have kids with this man.

If he's like this now, imagine what he would be like when you are on maternity pay!

I disagree with the posters criticizing you for changing your job. It sounds like law was not the career for you and you were in danger of burn out.

If he wants to buy expensive food or go out to restaurants knowing that you can't afford to, then he needs to fund that and not expect you to do the same.

1- you need to be much more aware of the normal day to day spending that are coming out his account. It’s nice to say it has increased but by how much, is it the best deal etc….
No way you can budget ‘your’ expenses wo knowing how much you’re supposed to pay. At the very least, you need a joint account where that all common expenses are paid from (electricity, mortgage etc….)
2- Have you talked about what your financial arrangements are going to be once married. In particular, if you want children, ML, any time off etc etc…. Because if it’s anything other than in proportion of your wages/everything in the pot type of thing, I’d think twice.
3- rather than asking to pay more, refuse all the extra. Refuse going out, the fancy food, the hols and tell him you need to budget therefore you can only do <insert much cheaper version> Dint accept him paying ‘this time’ because he’ll use that against you. And just remind him that it will be like this until you have a better balance financially.

More to the point though, your fiancé has just told you he cares more about his bank account than your health/MH. You might want to think carefully if he is someone who cares and respect you enough to be the good LT partner a husband is supposed to be.