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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think I effed my life up cant see a way out

174 replies

oldFoolMe · 29/07/2025 19:29

Pregnant in a relatively new relationship, where I have been a bit reckless but as an older women with PCOS didn't really think it was possible, certainly not this quickly.

I was married and in abusive relationship for 14 years, left 4 years ago and been on my own since. Had children with him and now they seem to have a very low opinion based on what he says - your mother is lazy, no your mother doesn't care about you ect ect depite working and supporting children on my own for the last 4 years. He hasn't done any parenting, dropped hours so pays a token amount of child support. Sees them for a few hours every couple of months but regularly calls.

Children at first liked my partner, but then when i found out I was pregnant decided they hate him.

Unfortunately overhead a conversation between exh and eldest and he basically said the man is a loser and just using your mum. Mum can't see it as she's desperate, he will leave her and he can't tell kids what to do. I think this is fuelling the hatred.

New partner doesn't live with me, had planned to move to bigger place but put it on hold as my current children are unhappy.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.

If i keep baby I think kids will hate me, If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more.

can't see any way out of the mess I've got myself into.

OP posts:
AllotmentHappy · 29/07/2025 19:34

What kind of child asks their own mum to have an abortion?! Jesus wept!

They need their father removing from their lifes. He is ruining your children.
as for the pregnancy, you do what is right for you and nobody else. 🫂

needtostopnamechanging · 29/07/2025 19:37

Break up is hard for kids - you have done right by not living with new partner although it does make this tricky times ahead

was it an accident ? If so be honest with the kids/ they need to know that can happen anyway / and explain if you want to keep the baby because it is now alive in you and you couldn’t kill it

and make sure they know you love your children first and foremost

Hankunamatata · 29/07/2025 19:40

You have to put your logical head on.
How far along is preganacy?
Can you support another baby?
Can you accept you may not be able to live with partner while current kids are at home?
Can you emotionally support your other kids and deal with another baby?

Mummysgogetter · 29/07/2025 19:45

oldFoolMe · 29/07/2025 19:29

Pregnant in a relatively new relationship, where I have been a bit reckless but as an older women with PCOS didn't really think it was possible, certainly not this quickly.

I was married and in abusive relationship for 14 years, left 4 years ago and been on my own since. Had children with him and now they seem to have a very low opinion based on what he says - your mother is lazy, no your mother doesn't care about you ect ect depite working and supporting children on my own for the last 4 years. He hasn't done any parenting, dropped hours so pays a token amount of child support. Sees them for a few hours every couple of months but regularly calls.

Children at first liked my partner, but then when i found out I was pregnant decided they hate him.

Unfortunately overhead a conversation between exh and eldest and he basically said the man is a loser and just using your mum. Mum can't see it as she's desperate, he will leave her and he can't tell kids what to do. I think this is fuelling the hatred.

New partner doesn't live with me, had planned to move to bigger place but put it on hold as my current children are unhappy.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.

If i keep baby I think kids will hate me, If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more.

can't see any way out of the mess I've got myself into.

Hi @oldFoolMe

Oh wow, that sounds incredibly tough and I’m really sorry you’re in such a painful spot right now. You’ve been through so much already with leaving an abusive marriage, raising your kids on your own, and then finally finding some happiness again – it’s a lot to juggle emotionally.

It sounds like your ex is really poisoning things for you and the kids, which isn’t fair on them or you. They’re probably scared of change and maybe feeling protective of you, but it doesn’t make what they’re saying any easier to hear.

As for the pregnancy – it’s such a personal, emotional decision and it’s clear how much this baby already means to you, especially after your loss. Whatever you choose, it has to be your choice, not based on pressure or fear. Kids can come around in time (sometimes they surprise you), but regret can really linger if you go against what you feel deep down is right for you.

If you can, maybe try talking to someone neutral (like a counsellor) just for you – to help you untangle your feelings without all the noise from others. And if you keep the baby, it doesn’t mean your kids won’t eventually accept things – they might just need time and reassurance that you still love them and their world won’t fall apart.

You’re not selfish for wanting this baby, and you’re not a bad mum for feeling stuck – you’re human and trying to do your best in a messy situation. Be gentle with yourself. ❤️

Original poster
oldFoolMe · 29/07/2025 19:45

I'm 15 weeks, I haven't had a period for a long time so thats been a surprise. I've supported children on my own for the last 4 years, through some very challenging behaviour. I could support baby as I work with some cutbacks - at the moment I can afford to go on holiday a few times a year so that would have to be cutback.
new partner has also promised to support baby.
in all honesty I do struggle to emotionally support my older children as it is.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 29/07/2025 19:49

My oldest sons reaction when we told him i was pregnant with my 3rd child was to go ballistic and run into the garden and kick the shit out of stuff. Luckily this negativity went away and by the time my son was born my other son was 12 and loved him. Hopefully your kids will love their little sibling

CinnamonBuns67 · 29/07/2025 19:50

Your ex has put his own views into the children's heads, poisoning them against your partner, their unborn sibling and you too. A parent that does this to their child isn't fit to be a parent and I don't say that lightly. My partners biggest regret is not taking his ex back to court to try and remove my SD from her mum before SD was completely turned against us.

Busted2006 · 29/07/2025 19:52

OP you want this baby, you’re 15 weeks along.

You’re not being selfish your exDH is being manipulative and manipulating your children, hopefully they see this sooner rather than later. How old are they?

Original poster
oldFoolMe · 29/07/2025 19:53

CinnamonBuns67 · 29/07/2025 19:50

Your ex has put his own views into the children's heads, poisoning them against your partner, their unborn sibling and you too. A parent that does this to their child isn't fit to be a parent and I don't say that lightly. My partners biggest regret is not taking his ex back to court to try and remove my SD from her mum before SD was completely turned against us.

It definitely feels like that. He has nothing nice to say about me to them. I really wish he wasn't part of our lives at all but kids want to see him.

OP posts:
Notmyluck · 29/07/2025 19:53

How old is your youngest child? Does your new partner have a decent job?

I'm in a different situation but long story short I'm pregnant (early stages). I'd love 1 more so DC has a sibling. Ultimately the guy wouldn't be involved he's made that perfectly clear. I don't want to raise 2 kids on my own.

This is your choice. I would really consider could you manage to raise a baby alone with your existing kids OP? Sorry your in this situation.

Original poster
oldFoolMe · 29/07/2025 19:54

Busted2006 · 29/07/2025 19:52

OP you want this baby, you’re 15 weeks along.

You’re not being selfish your exDH is being manipulative and manipulating your children, hopefully they see this sooner rather than later. How old are they?

16 , 15 and 11

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 29/07/2025 19:55

You struggle to emotionally support your older kids...in what way?

Original poster
oldFoolMe · 29/07/2025 19:55

Notmyluck · 29/07/2025 19:53

How old is your youngest child? Does your new partner have a decent job?

I'm in a different situation but long story short I'm pregnant (early stages). I'd love 1 more so DC has a sibling. Ultimately the guy wouldn't be involved he's made that perfectly clear. I don't want to raise 2 kids on my own.

This is your choice. I would really consider could you manage to raise a baby alone with your existing kids OP? Sorry your in this situation.

I think I could just about manage financially with some cutbacks. Emotionally I think I'll find it tough without the support of living with my new partner.

OP posts:
bluecrochetedplane · 29/07/2025 19:56

How old are your children? It sounds like they've been through a lot, they are also the victims of abuse due to living in the household which will have affected them and now they're still being abused and manipulated by their Dad.

As a mum I don't think I'd put my wants for a baby in my arms before my current children's needs. You need to focus on them and not a new baby who will take up a lot of your time and emotions.
Also why do people with pcos/endometriosis etc say they're shocked they got pregnant. You're not infertile

bluecrochetedplane · 29/07/2025 19:56

How old are your children? It sounds like they've been through a lot, they are also the victims of abuse due to living in the household which will have affected them and now they're still being abused and manipulated by their Dad.

As a mum I don't think I'd put my wants for a baby in my arms before my current children's needs. You need to focus on them and not a new baby who will take up a lot of your time and emotions.
Also why do people with pcos/endometriosis etc say they're shocked they got pregnant. You're not infertile

angelco · 29/07/2025 19:57

oldFoolMe · 29/07/2025 19:29

Pregnant in a relatively new relationship, where I have been a bit reckless but as an older women with PCOS didn't really think it was possible, certainly not this quickly.

I was married and in abusive relationship for 14 years, left 4 years ago and been on my own since. Had children with him and now they seem to have a very low opinion based on what he says - your mother is lazy, no your mother doesn't care about you ect ect depite working and supporting children on my own for the last 4 years. He hasn't done any parenting, dropped hours so pays a token amount of child support. Sees them for a few hours every couple of months but regularly calls.

Children at first liked my partner, but then when i found out I was pregnant decided they hate him.

Unfortunately overhead a conversation between exh and eldest and he basically said the man is a loser and just using your mum. Mum can't see it as she's desperate, he will leave her and he can't tell kids what to do. I think this is fuelling the hatred.

New partner doesn't live with me, had planned to move to bigger place but put it on hold as my current children are unhappy.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.

If i keep baby I think kids will hate me, If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more.

can't see any way out of the mess I've got myself into.

You have that baby that’s what you do! They are listening to their dad and that’s all it is! You deserve to be happy and you deserve the world and to make you’re own decisions

pikkumyy77 · 29/07/2025 19:58

Have the baby! Someone you can bring up without your ex screwing them up. Someone whose babyhood may give your children insight into how shitty their dad is and how hard you gave worked for them.

As for the things he says about you or your life just shrug and tell your children “well he would say that, wouldn’t he? He’s a loser who lost his wife and cheats on his children by never financially supporting them.”

Notmyluck · 29/07/2025 19:58

@oldFoolMe not living together aside. You could well end up doing it all by yourself OP. Its a tough choice.

LemonLass · 29/07/2025 20:01

Hi @oldFoolMe
This is parental alienation. Speak to Women's Aid for advice or a solicitor about your rights. Maybe even Children's Services (but they may have bigger fish to fry). Sorry you and your kids have been subject to that.

Re the pregnancy. Congratulations despite not being planned. You want the baby and that is all that matters. You can figure out everyone else later. Your kids are parroting their dad because he has got in their head. They are kids and don't get a vote - life is complicated and they don't have a grown up perspective to see that they are being emotionally manipulated.

Please do what you can to be understanding of your kiddos. Reassure them and be open as much as poss (but in the same breath, be aware anything you share with them will be "in the public domain" (IYSWIM)).

Best wishes with everything. You can do this if this is your wish after PCOS x

I'llBuyThatForADollar · 29/07/2025 20:02

Oh God. What a horrible situation for you. Sending lots of hugs and love for that little baby inside you. It is loved by you and will be by your children.
I’m sorry your ex is such a piece of shit. You all deserve better. ❤️

Original poster
oldFoolMe · 29/07/2025 20:03

bluecrochetedplane · 29/07/2025 19:56

How old are your children? It sounds like they've been through a lot, they are also the victims of abuse due to living in the household which will have affected them and now they're still being abused and manipulated by their Dad.

As a mum I don't think I'd put my wants for a baby in my arms before my current children's needs. You need to focus on them and not a new baby who will take up a lot of your time and emotions.
Also why do people with pcos/endometriosis etc say they're shocked they got pregnant. You're not infertile

my lack of periods made me think I'm not fertile, what with getting on a bit as well. Stupid I now know.

Yes they have been through so much already and haven't got a clue as it's they have ever known.

OP posts:
Candlesandmatches · 29/07/2025 20:08

Have your baby. An abortion - which you clearly don’t won’t - will mess you up more emotionally than if you have your baby.
There are some sources of support out there. Depending on where you are - don’t need specifics just rough geographic area as in South UK - I’m happy to sign post them.
Ignore your children. Their opinions in this matter are of no relevance.
You ex should not be making these horrible statements.
Keep going on.

FrippEnos · 29/07/2025 20:09

Your DC must early to mid teens (I am guessing) so a negative response isn't going to be unusual given the age gap.

Candlesandmatches · 29/07/2025 20:09

100% what @LemonLass has written. Expressed it much better than I could

Mrsttcno1 · 29/07/2025 20:09

In the nicest way possible as this is a new relationship the question I’d be asking myself ultimately is can you financially, emotionally, physically afford to support all of your existing children plus a baby on your own? Because this man could disappear before his baby is even born or shortly after and he could be another that fiddles his hours and work to pay the bare minimum. If you do truly believe that you can be mum to all of those children plus a baby in the ways they need, solo, then go for it. If not, I’d have a real think if I’m being completely honest, there’s a lot of people to consider here.

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