Think I effed my life up cant see a way out

[oldFoolMe]

Pregnant in a relatively new relationship, where I have been a bit reckless but as an older women with PCOS didn't really think it was possible, certainly not this quickly.

I was married and in abusive relationship for 14 years, left 4 years ago and been on my own since. Had children with him and now they seem to have a very low opinion based on what he says - your mother is lazy, no your mother doesn't care about you ect ect depite working and supporting children on my own for the last 4 years. He hasn't done any parenting, dropped hours so pays a token amount of child support. Sees them for a few hours every couple of months but regularly calls.

Children at first liked my partner, but then when i found out I was pregnant decided they hate him.

Unfortunately overhead a conversation between exh and eldest and he basically said the man is a loser and just using your mum. Mum can't see it as she's desperate, he will leave her and he can't tell kids what to do. I think this is fuelling the hatred.

New partner doesn't live with me, had planned to move to bigger place but put it on hold as my current children are unhappy.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.

If i keep baby I think kids will hate me, If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more.

can't see any way out of the mess I've got myself into.

You say you're struggling to support your older children now so on the face of it you shouldn't bring another baby into the family. However, you obviously want this baby very much and it's not up to any of us to tell you not to proceed with your pregnancy. There is another option, which is to try and sort yourself and your kids out. Find out what's really going on in their heads, stop the poison from the ex if you possibly can, get some family therapy or other professional help (skip one of your holidays to pay for it). Enlist friend/family support for the older kids' sports etc. when the time comes, so you're not relying on your new partner and so kids activities continue. And don't move your new partner in.

With three kids already who it sounds like really need stability, good example, your love and focus… I wouldn’t keep the baby. As hard as it would be.
With teens I am assuming you’re now into your 40s?
Motherhood at this age will be difficult for many reasons and the increased likelihood of complications.

I’d use your time, money, energy on the existing kids. It would be better for them not to have reduced resources at this point.

Don’t have an abortion because of your children’s reaction. It would have to be because you really think it’s best not to have a baby regardless of their views. When they grow up and realise the significance of what they asked/demanded you to do, the guilt could be enormously damaging.

I’m so sorry you’re having to make such difficult decisions - there is no easy answer. Is there any mileage in suggesting your oldest ones went and lived with their dad (not because of the baby, I hasten to add)? Perhaps ‘I’m sorry that you feel that I’m not a good parent. I love you more than life itself and would do anything for you to be happy. Would you be happier living with your dad? I’d hate to not have you here with me but I’d rather you were happy’ Of course, he won’t want them with him and they probably won’t want to go, and therefore they’ll have to reflect that life with you is actually much better/more stable, etc. and he loses some of his power. On the other hand, if they do go, they’ll see quickly how much you do for them. You’d have to be very careful that they don’t feel like you’re trying to get rid of them, so it might be a total non-starter if things are already very fraught.

Lets fast forward a few years OP. What does that look like with a baby ? I think the kids would come round, they wouldn't really have much choice! But it will not be their job to support you or help in anyway with a new baby/toddler.So you have the baby and life goes on,you have to go back to work,what are you going to do with the baby then, full time childcare?You still have the big kids at home in education,have you got the room? The kids will not be in any position to fund themselves probably so thats all down to you too.If you can all find a way to pull together then thats brilliant but the school runs and you know how tying that is, the early years will soon come around,can you do it again? Its not so much the here and now its the the next 5 years or so that will require thought.. I have no answers for you on what you should do but I do wish you well going forward.

This.

I have thought of this but he hasn't got the space, he lives in a one bedroom flat and he likes drinking and going out. There is no way he would want them full time.

If your partner is supportive then it could actually be a real positive for your children to see a positive father involved in your life and it might erase some of the things their own dad has been feeding into their minds, when they see so much of it isn't true, by how much you care for the baby.

This and all in a new relationship!!!!
Alot to consider OP

I think if you are already saying you cannot support your existing children ( be it emotionally, financially or whatever) then it would be wholly irresponsible to add another child into the mix.

I'd happily let him be the one to tell them that!

If you want the baby, have the baby. You’ll have a child when the others have flown the nest. Is there anything apart from his drinking stopping your ex taking his children to sports events?

"I love you more than life itself and would do anything for you to be happy."

Trouble is that's not actually true is it. The kids have clearly said they don't want a baby (which I completely understand, what teen wants to have a screaming baby waking them up at night, and get roped into babysitting duties when they could be out with friends etc).

If OP has the baby, it's a clear message to the other kids that she values the baby more than them. Add into the mix that a new partner could be moving in when he's basically a stranger to them. I don't know if their relationship can recover from that or if they'll even want anything to do with the half sibling.

OP has the right to decide what to do completely, but be honest about whose interests you're putting first, and don't be surprised if your kids don't suddenly fall into line with your plans.

firstly, you haven't effed up your life... the people around you have made you feel like that which is such a shame.if it wasn't for your ex and his attitude poisoning your kids, im sure you and your partner would be over the moon. you are allowed to have a life after divorce.

how old are your kids that theyre not able to see common sense that you are the one looking after them not their loser dad??? theyre all being very selfish

You already have 3 children who you admit to not being able to emotionally support. Having a 4th child in a new relationship who can’t even live with you would be absolute foolery.

Focus on the 3 you have.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

Could their dad do that?

What other impact would it have on them?

Yes, let him tell them as he’s so free with his opinions about OP’s life choices. I’m pro-choice but pro-choice works both ways. If you have a strong feeling you want to keep this baby OP, don’t let your ex weaponise the older children against you. It sounds to me as though he’s more worried about changes to his social life.

I wouldn’t say you’ve effed up your life but it’s quite a situation! I think you need to really think about the potential outcomes: kids don’t come round and remain resentful of new baby, new partner doesn’t move in/things don’t work out and you’re a single mother of 4 with 2 fathers in the mix etc. If those options aren’t as difficult as having a ToP then you know what to do.

“I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.”

“in all honesty I do struggle to emotionally support my older children as it is.”

OP, these two sentences stood out to me a lot. The baby will be a baby for a relatively brief period. You’ll have to really think about whether you want another child (toddler, primary child, teenager, young adult). Because they’ll become all of those things.
And to that, your second sentence.

Yes of course he could, but he won't. Excuse of not living in the same town but he could pick them up and take them.

Older kids probably worried about less money being spent on them, me not being a taxi service.

The problem is I don't know if I'll be mentally strong enough to look after them if I terminate, it's not what I want and then intrusive thoughts about not being here as a solution

He’s alienating the kids. I would be going back to court and asking for reduced/no contact due to the parental alienation

Then you need to get some therapy. Adding a baby and being a single mum to 4 children isn’t going to help your intrusive thoughts.

All 4 of you sound as though you have been through a terrible, terrible time and it isn’t getting any better right now due to your abusive ex. But your ex is largely absent so your 3 kids only have you for support. Your youngest is only 11 and the older 2 are at a crucial time in their lives.

I really don’t see how having this unplanned 4th child with a man you’ve only recently been dating will help this situation for you or for your kids.

Honestly, having this baby will prove your ex’s narrative true.

You are thinking of yourself and being selfish.

You are being a poor mother to your children, taking time, support, finances away from them.

You’ll make the choice you want to make. Just know your children will be fully aware, and form their own opinions.

Does your new partner drive? Does he have his own place? Does he have a job?

I hope you are OK op. I feel some of the comments are overly harsh. It sounds like you’ve been through a tough time and teenagers can be tricky at the best of times. What is your new partner like? Is he kind and caring? Is he a good emotional support? Is he in it for the long haul? It takes time to get to know someone new. Particularly for kids to get to know a parent’s new partner. Would he be willing to slowly get to know the kids and hopefully they will change their opinions. I am completely pro-choice but I would also find it very emotionally difficult to terminate a pregnancy. I definitely wouldn’t want to feel forced into something either. Is there a counselling service you can access? To help you take control back (it sounds like you’ve are still scared ofter years of abuse). Once you feel back in control everything will fall back into place particularly around supporting your older kids emotions. I hope everything works out for you.