Think I effed my life up cant see a way out

[oldFoolMe]

Pregnant in a relatively new relationship, where I have been a bit reckless but as an older women with PCOS didn't really think it was possible, certainly not this quickly.

I was married and in abusive relationship for 14 years, left 4 years ago and been on my own since. Had children with him and now they seem to have a very low opinion based on what he says - your mother is lazy, no your mother doesn't care about you ect ect depite working and supporting children on my own for the last 4 years. He hasn't done any parenting, dropped hours so pays a token amount of child support. Sees them for a few hours every couple of months but regularly calls.

Children at first liked my partner, but then when i found out I was pregnant decided they hate him.

Unfortunately overhead a conversation between exh and eldest and he basically said the man is a loser and just using your mum. Mum can't see it as she's desperate, he will leave her and he can't tell kids what to do. I think this is fuelling the hatred.

New partner doesn't live with me, had planned to move to bigger place but put it on hold as my current children are unhappy.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.

If i keep baby I think kids will hate me, If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more.

can't see any way out of the mess I've got myself into.

I don't think you should keep this baby. Your main responsibilities are your existing kids and they are really struggeling. They are struggeling because of having had an abusive childhood, because they haven't entirely broken free from their abuser yet, because you are in a new relationship with someone they barely know, because you can't meet their needs, because you are about to add a half sibling into this mix when they need you so much. You will not be able to share a harmonious life with your new boyfriend until your children are settled and comfortable, and that may never happen because they haven't been given the time to heal yet. You need to put them way above this new relationship, you owe them that.

The oldest are 15 and 16, the courts won't get involved.

You would have a termination in the second trimester for those reasons? I bloody wouldn't. The baby is big enough for movements to be felt and won't be as simple as taking a tablet.

I think the OP will regret a termination to appease kids who are abusing their mother because their dad has got into their heads.

Hi OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

The choice is yours and yours alone op.

Your ex is abusing you still and he is abusing your children with manipulative behaviour. You need to tell a solicitor what is going on; gather any proof of his behavior you can- and aim to go no contact. He’s a horrible horrible person and is no good in your life or your children’s lives.

I hope he meets a horrible end op and you have all the luck in the world. Keep reaching for the light even when it seems dim and far away.. don’t let him continue to control you. Or your kids. The choice is only yours to make. Best of luck, sending you a hug xox

Christ, the casualness of these posters urging the OP to have an abortion at 15 weeks.

O bless you, this is an awful situation for you with the older children. It's sounds like the ex is poisoning the pot. I think (as a 40yr old woman/ would be older mum if I had anymore) this might be a fresh start. I think your partner sounds supportive and I think you may be at the start of something brilliant. It sounds as though your ex is still controlling you via your children with the telephone contact. And this is preventing them from moving on. He clearly isn't capable of putting the face to face time in with them. So, how's about defining their call time with him some more and increasing the time they spend with you and your new partner. V slowly and carefully, but don't give up a future with your new partner and baby for a man who is still trying to control you remotely xx definitely see a counsellor. If I had to consider a termination for a v much wanted baby for my children, I don't think I would be able to cope and in years to come i would find myself v bitter and heartbroken. As much as i love my children and you clearly do too. I wish all the luck in the world xx

It's not casualness, but the OP is asking should I put my kids or myself first and most people would choose to put their kids first as their kids happiness is what makes them happy. She isn't in an easy or good situation, but she still has a choice.

I don’t think anyone is casually suggesting anything. PP’s are concerned for the mental health of what sounds to be a very vulnerable woman and teenage children who have suffered and continue to suffer trauma.

We all know how difficult having a baby can be let alone raising a child with limited support.

There are no easy answers here.

I think go off and have some counselling. I was myself in a controlling/ abusive relationship and it has taken me yrs to move on. I've stayed single purposely but recently ive realised my children will one day leave home and onto their own lives. Yes I'll still be a part of it. But I have started looking towards a future for myself and I think this is something you should be thinking about xx

No worse than those telling her her kids’ opinions aren’t relevant and how dare they be upset and it’s obs their dad who is manipulating them. I can understand why they are horrified. Their mother is in a new relationship, got pregnant by accident and puts her broody needs ahead of theirs-with important school years coming up and possibly parenting the little one alone. For the next 2 decades. OP, do you have access to any counselling? Is your partner the responsible type? How will you parent your existing children along with a new baby? These kids are crying out for love and attention-you say you are finding parenting them emotionally difficult-how will a new baby make this better?

They are young, vulnerable and need their mother!

If you can support the child and make it work it's no concern of anyone else. Your ex has clearly done parental alienation on your kids and they parrot everything he believes about you. So when the kids say these things, just imagine they are sock puppets with your ex's hand stuck in them. Why should your ex's sock puppets get a say in what you do with your body? Why should anyone for that matter? Whatever you decide to do, this nonsense with your ex needs sorting. He has to stop poisoning their minds. Do you have the resources to take him to court for parental alienation? If so, get them evaluated by a therapist who specializes in it.

They have her. Having a baby doesn't change that. To follow that argument to the logical conclusion, it would be cruel to your first child if you have a second child.

15 and 16 year olds are being selfish here. I’d ask them to think about how much effort their father is putting into their lives.

I hope you okay OP sounds awful and I think your right ex manipulation of kids is impacting thier views.
Time for upfront honest discussion with kids, you + another neutralish person you can trust to support.
I think family counseling would be good to look into, maybe GP can refer you to somewhere on the NHS maybe relate?
I hope things get better and you do what's right for you x

Agreed. It’s all very well being ideological, but that has to be balanced with realism. Your kids should not be speaking to you as they are, but they are victims too. And you admit you can’t support them as much as they need, so it isn’t all going to be roses for them.

This is a new relationship, be prepared to go it alone.

In my opinion it is hideously unfair to bring a new baby into the home of your 16 and 15 year old whose GCSE's/A-Levels will almost certainly be disrupted by the noise and crying at night. I can totally understand their reaction. Put your existing children first, 3 children is plenty.

Crickey.

In 10/11 years time, will this baby end up on the sock puppet heap?

Should she find another new partner to start with again and have a new baby to spite them and please herself?!

He is manipulating them. That's abundantly clear. That would be what is making parenting them difficult. Ex is continually trying to upset her applecart by using the kids to advance his agenda. It's very common.

Are you saying then, that it's wrong to ever have more than one child because it takes time away from the first child?
If she can make having a baby work while still giving her existing kids what they need, as millions of people the world over do every day, how is it a problem?

“I want baby”

“If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more”

These seem to be the most salient parts of your first post, @oldFoolMe

Good luck to you.

You say you would want the new boyfriend to move into ‘support you’, but how would your existing kids feel about that? A near stranger moving in with them, to complete your ‘new’ family?

Non-responsive to the argument. Why waste the typing? If you have a refutation then make it.

Not a single chance I’d have a baby in that situation. Your poor existing children, you’re having this baby because of your own wants not because it will improve anyone’s lives. It will drop a bomb on their/your lives and you will struggle massively not living with a partner. Huge risk they won’t bond with the baby.

So just because their dad is shit they shouldn't expect anything from their mother either? It's not selfish for children to need their parents emotional support, especially not since they have been forced to grow up in an abusive household. It might not be fair that it all lands on OP, but these are her children and they need her right now and for the coming years. They have had no time to recover from what they have been, and still is being, put through.