Think I effed my life up cant see a way out

[oldFoolMe]

Pregnant in a relatively new relationship, where I have been a bit reckless but as an older women with PCOS didn't really think it was possible, certainly not this quickly.

I was married and in abusive relationship for 14 years, left 4 years ago and been on my own since. Had children with him and now they seem to have a very low opinion based on what he says - your mother is lazy, no your mother doesn't care about you ect ect depite working and supporting children on my own for the last 4 years. He hasn't done any parenting, dropped hours so pays a token amount of child support. Sees them for a few hours every couple of months but regularly calls.

Children at first liked my partner, but then when i found out I was pregnant decided they hate him.

Unfortunately overhead a conversation between exh and eldest and he basically said the man is a loser and just using your mum. Mum can't see it as she's desperate, he will leave her and he can't tell kids what to do. I think this is fuelling the hatred.

New partner doesn't live with me, had planned to move to bigger place but put it on hold as my current children are unhappy.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.

If i keep baby I think kids will hate me, If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more.

can't see any way out of the mess I've got myself into.

She’s already said she can’t give her existing children what they need. And don’t be ridiculous-having a sibling in a stable, loving family is very different from bringing half siblings into an unstable family where the parents had not been in a loving relationship. Another guy who they’ve only just met being the daddy.

She can't though. She has already said that she won't be able to meet their needs emotionally.

OP, when you say this is a new relationship, how new is it? Does he have any other kids? Does he have a good, stable job? A house?

Also, you allude to being an older mum, how old are we taking? Some people’s idea of an older mum is 35, other’s is 45. Also, when did you have your last miscarriage? Was it with this new guy? As awful as this sounds, if you’re in the 45 age range and recently had a miscarriage then the pregnancy may not last to term anyway.

This is chatGPT come on!

The more I go through life the more I come across people who are able to brainwash others and cause extreme hurt and disruption at the same time.
phrases like “there’s no smoke without fire” or “theres got to be a middle ground” only serve to reinforce the bad behaviour.
i think your ex is one of those nasty manipulative people and your kids have fallen for it because they’ve probably had a bit of a dysfunctional childhood. I feel for you and I really hope it gets better for you.
i hope your new partner is a better person. It’s your decision and I support you whatever you decide to do.
if you abort do not let your kids thinks it’s because they pressured you.
one word of advice: you are taking about holding the baby you never got to hold. I understand this as the same happened to me. But please remember that babies grown into kids who grow into teens who grow into adults. It’s not just a baby you’ll be responsible for, it’s a the adult they’ll grow into that you’ll need to nurture.

It's actually a false dichotomy. The kids aren't going to suffer because she has a baby, so she doesn't have to choose one over the other. The kids are moaning about it, most likely because ex is the man behind the curtain urging them on.

Agree. That's a balanced and reasonable response. Obviously OP needs to think about it very carefully but ultimately it's her body, her life and her decision.

Honestly, she has said right here on this thread she is not able to support her children currently, let alone down the line.

The fact you called an 11 year old child a sock puppet for her ex, and she should have no concern for anyone else, including her children, tells me everything I need to know about you.

You do you hun, you’re amazing!

Their mother hasn’t moved out to a one bedroom flat to go out drinking. She’s right there, mothering them. She has done nothing wrong and doesn’t have to live the life of a nun because her ex-husband is useless. He should step up or shut up in my opinion.

I think your kids don't get to have a say on whether you have another child or not! Best of luck!

Glad to see someone else can spot it a mile away.

This is not true. Every kid suffers a loss of attention and focus from mum when each new child comes along.

Most of the time this is balanced out by the dad who steps up with the older kid(s) or the older kids are excited about the new baby so they don’t mind the loss of attention.

This situation is worse as there is no dad around to step up, the mum is already struggling to provide the emotional support for the older kids and the older kids have explicitly stated they don’t want her to have another baby.

I’m not sure why you are being so dismissive of the 11, 15 and 16 year old’s needs here?

Dad is vaguely around though, giving unsolicited and unhelpful advice. Just not doing anything useful.

Emotive, impressionable ages

That's a new one on me - collecting opinions from existing children as to whether or not to get an abortion.

He should step up or shut up in my opinion.

And if he does neither? Then what? He is an abuser, he’s unlikely to do the right thing. The children need emotional support from their mother, she is the only one available to provide it. Otherwise they have no one.

To the folks who are pointing out the the OP is having trouble supporting the kids emotionally, she has indicated it is because ex is manipulating them and has turned them against her. So would you propose she just let her ex control her life and her reproductive decisions via the kids? Since the ex is the source of the problem it won't end here. It will apply to any decision she makes which he disagrees with. He's already turned them against the boyfriend as well, when they initially liked him.

It's depressing to see women suggesting another woman should let a man use their kids to accomplish coercive control from afar.

Crazy, isn't it. Let alone children who have been manipulated into acting as mouthpieces for an abusive ex.

It is really depressing.

The oldest two are old enough to work that out. The abusive ex sounds jealous that the OP has moved on. He probably told her no one would want her and now he’s having a tantrum. The OP can manage financially without him. So he doesn’t get to dictate her life any longer.

How old are you OP?

Your oldest is nearly an adult. You want this baby. Don't be bullied into terminating a wanted child.

MN is chock full of threads with women complaining their partners stick them with all the child care, even when they've just given birth in many cases.
I would love to know what utopian world you live in where men routinely fill in the childcare gaps when there is a new baby. They often don't, yet plenty of women still manage.

I'm not sure why you're accusing me of being dismissive of anyone's needs. I've said that OP should think about whether or not she can make it work.

My objection to all the hand wringing about the existing kids is really not about that aspect of it anyway. It's about the principle that the OP owns her body and her reproductive choices. Ex is trying to control her reproductive choice by manipulating the kids to influence her decision. That is deeply disturbing to me and should be to every woman.

Don’t take your children’s opinions on having an abortion into account, they don’t get a say. Imagine if every family size was decided by existing children 😮.
I’m shocked it would even enter into their heads, especially as it’s because it might affect their sports activities?!
I’m very pro choice, but if you choose to end your pregnancy it’s got to be your choice and you need to be certain or it could be very hard emotionally.
I’m a midwife and if you’re 15 weeks now, it’ll probably be 17 weeks by the time you could schedule the operation.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like your ex is a very toxic person.

I wonder if they even realize that's ultimately what they are suggesting.

I’m not sure we know if the ex even knows OP is pregnant, let alone trying to control her reproductive decisions? I haven’t read any of OP’s posts that way. If I’ve missed something then I can kind of see your point.

Tbh, I’m not thinking about the ex at all. Just the current children and the fact that the OP doesn’t sound as though she is coping right now. Having a baby is hard enough without going through with an unplanned accident when clearly struggling in other aspects of life and motherhood.