Think I effed my life up cant see a way out

[oldFoolMe]

Pregnant in a relatively new relationship, where I have been a bit reckless but as an older women with PCOS didn't really think it was possible, certainly not this quickly.

I was married and in abusive relationship for 14 years, left 4 years ago and been on my own since. Had children with him and now they seem to have a very low opinion based on what he says - your mother is lazy, no your mother doesn't care about you ect ect depite working and supporting children on my own for the last 4 years. He hasn't done any parenting, dropped hours so pays a token amount of child support. Sees them for a few hours every couple of months but regularly calls.

Children at first liked my partner, but then when i found out I was pregnant decided they hate him.

Unfortunately overhead a conversation between exh and eldest and he basically said the man is a loser and just using your mum. Mum can't see it as she's desperate, he will leave her and he can't tell kids what to do. I think this is fuelling the hatred.

New partner doesn't live with me, had planned to move to bigger place but put it on hold as my current children are unhappy.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.

If i keep baby I think kids will hate me, If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more.

can't see any way out of the mess I've got myself into.

Her children are not responsible for the wellbeing of their mother. She is responsible for theirs. Imo the priority should be the children she already has, who have already had their lives turned upside down, and are being emotionally abused themselves by their father.

They are by no means guaranteed to come around and love a new sibling. While it may not suit the ‘OP will follow her heart and it will all turn out fine for everyone’ narrative, the reality is that continuing the pregnancy may in fact make everything exponentially worse.

Your worthless ex is trying to control you via the DC. Sadly, it’s easy for someone with no conscience to trick and manipulate children, including teens, and your ex is doing this without caring how much he is harming them.

Of course the children’s welfare comes first, but don’t let them rule you.

You do need to stand up for yourself, even though it means contradicting their lying father.

Make sure they know how much you love them, then you won’t hurt them by having another baby.

Not to knock you when your are down but feel it's important to see it from the other perspective. I have seen it from the other side. My stepchildren's mum had a baby with her partner. When she announced the pregnancy they sobbed to me and their dad. It's one of the reason they decided to live with us in fact.

Ultimately it is your choice but you will have to accept the consequences of your actions and how it may alienate your existing children. My husband's ex still refuses to take responsibility for this and blames parental alienation for the reason they have little to do with her.

I think personally it’s all too much. You don’t live with the new partner as the children are unhappy about it. So you’re going to go though pregnancy living apart unless you force him on them? They are also unhappy about the baby, likely their dad and also because it will likely move towards the man and you living together.

Your youngest is 11 so this isn’t children who might move out to uni in a couple
of years. I just also wouldn’t want to go back to nappies after so long of not dealing with babies.

Also had friend whose parent went on to have a new baby with a new partner around the older two ages. They see their parent now twice a year, hate the partner still relationship with the young sibling is like a distant cousin and reminder of the unhappy house they had to stay in till old enough to leave.

But your already 15 weeks along and clearly want the baby. Tough choices. The new baby or happier existing children.

She has to live with ending a pregnancy she wants, how can anyone think a woman should do that? If anyone believes in choice they have to accept it goes both ways, you shouldn't force a woman to have a child she doesn't want and equally you shouldn't force a woman, by guilt or manipulation, to end a pregnancy she wants.

Her children might also live with guilt if their mothers mental health is damaged or just when they are older and realise how unreasonable it is to force that choice on someone else.

I had two babies with new husband when my older two were teenagers. They adjusted just fine and are close as adults. Just my experience but every bit as valid as a friend you had.

Who doesn’t believe in choice? Thinking that continuing the pregnancy would be a bad choice, even if it is what Op wants to do, isn’t the same thing as denying her one.

And yes, imo, prioritizing her existing children is more important than her desire to continue this pregnancy.

The thing about choice is that you don't decide, as long as the individual has capacity it is their choice.

You have no idea what will be best for her existing children, she could have a breakdown if she feels bad after the abortion and that isn't going to be good for the existing children as their father doesn't seem to want to ferry them to sport let alone become the resident parent. Unless you have a crystal ball you are just saying what suits your mindset, nothing else.

It is the OPs choice.

Think your kids are typical selfish teenagers . They are only thinking if themselves and how it impacts them . But not how it would impact you. Where does sacrificing everything for your children end ? Sports taxi ALL the time is crazy even if you weren't pregnant. Especially for a 16 year can't they make their own independent way there . And if Dad is so wonderful let them ask him . Eventually DCs grow up and have seperate lives of their own so should you put your own life off and then be left with nothing ? Their life is notperhaps what they imagine they want but it is not your fault that your decision to leave an abusive marriage meant their reality changed . And it's been long enough to accept changes At the moment they all seem too emotionally immature to be able to have a considered opinion. Ultimately it is your decision and you too deserve happiness.

Hope the pregnancy is going well and congrats to you and your partner

Where did I say it wasn’t her choice?

Lol, as if you’re not just saying what suits your mindset. I was clear that it’s my opinion that her existing children should be her priority, over her desire for another child. Their lives have already been turned upside down and they’re actively being emotionally abused by their father. OP moving in a new man and having a new baby is hardly putting them first.

I am not sure why a person would want more children when they have three who have proven children can be monsters. It's not going to cement your new relationship.

You're right. Mother shaming is a popular sport on MN. They're particularly nasty to people on low wages or on benefits having children. People in the third world manage to raise children in far more dire circumstances for goodness sake. These judgy wudgy types need to unclench their bowels and stop getting hysterical over other people's reproductive choices and parenting decisions.

Fair point. They are certainly allowed to have opinions, but should not be allowed to be nasty to her in order to convince her to abort. She should listen to them and talk to them about it, but they should express their feelings in a respectful way, not by calling her names.

I agree that they need to have a long conversation about this.

Not just about having the baby but what that entails for the entire family and what the expectations are for the father as well, as he needs to be involved in this, and what does that look like for the older children.

I don't have a mindset that says she should or shouldn't have as abortion. I believe women decide about their bodies and their fertility so yes that's my mindset but the difference between you and me is I would never tell a pregnant woman what she should do. You however are guilt tripping her about how this will affect her children.

You have no insight to how this could affect her mental health and how that would impact her existing children. Inconvenient for you to consider that?

She posted on here inviting opinions, so I gave mine 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m under no illusions that she’s required to pay the slightest bit of attention to it.

Have I considered that? Sure. I’m not pretending this is an easy position for her to be in, or that any one outcome will in any way guarantee sunshine and rainbows. I don’t however think that takes greater priority than the mental health and wellbeing of her existing children whose world, like I said, has already been turned upside down. Introducing a new man and sibling they’re vehemently opposed isn’t likely to have a good impact on OP’s mental health either (or anyone’s). She could very easily find herself living in a war zone trying to keep all her relationships together on top of dealing with a new baby (not to mention that it’s hardly great for a new child to be introduced into an unstable shitshow). Being realistic about the glaring red flags, and not pretending that this is likely to result in happy families, isn’t ’guilt tripping’

Yes you were guilt tripping about prioritising her existing children. Discussing different options is fine, telling someone they should prioritise their children by having an abortion isn't.

And I maintain that imo she should prioritize her existing children, yes.

I mean it’s a valid opinion that op should prioritise her existing children who have problems with her new partner let alone a new sibling over a child who hasn’t been born yet.

Three children who are already not happy and you want to make them even more unhappy. Isn’t a solid plan for a big nice blended family. Add in moaning ex in children’s ear this isn’t going to play out like a fairytale happy ending.

This.

You're struggling now - bringing another child into the mix won’t help.

I would really think carefully.

You don't abort a second trimester pregnancy you want, because an abusive ex has got in your existing kids heads.

Hopefully the OP is either not for real or has hidden this car crash of a thread. There's some outrageous posts on it

Still here, still following along. i was really really down when I posted this but now I've had a couple of good nights sleep my mind is much clearer.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion based on the high level overview I posted, its interesting to see.
Had I find it ealier I'd consider a termination, but not now. Clinic have said I'll be 17/18 weeks by the time they can book me in so I just can't.

I hope you're getting good support. Mine were 15 and 18 when my third was born. I hope yours adjust as well as mine have, all adults now and had a big meet up recently with my DH my four, their partners and eight GC of various ages and had a brilliant day. Good luck.

I don’t blame you, 17/18 weeks is too far along unless for significant health reasons imo.

I guess it makes the whole dilemma a lot easier in that there isn’t really a decision to be made.

You still have 5 months for your children to get on board with the idea and to try and improve the relationship with them. Perhaps some family therapy before the little one comes along?

I hope everything works out 💐