Think I effed my life up cant see a way out

[oldFoolMe]

Pregnant in a relatively new relationship, where I have been a bit reckless but as an older women with PCOS didn't really think it was possible, certainly not this quickly.

I was married and in abusive relationship for 14 years, left 4 years ago and been on my own since. Had children with him and now they seem to have a very low opinion based on what he says - your mother is lazy, no your mother doesn't care about you ect ect depite working and supporting children on my own for the last 4 years. He hasn't done any parenting, dropped hours so pays a token amount of child support. Sees them for a few hours every couple of months but regularly calls.

Children at first liked my partner, but then when i found out I was pregnant decided they hate him.

Unfortunately overhead a conversation between exh and eldest and he basically said the man is a loser and just using your mum. Mum can't see it as she's desperate, he will leave her and he can't tell kids what to do. I think this is fuelling the hatred.

New partner doesn't live with me, had planned to move to bigger place but put it on hold as my current children are unhappy.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.

If i keep baby I think kids will hate me, If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more.

can't see any way out of the mess I've got myself into.

I told her to picture them as sock puppets, because ex is manipulating them just as one would sock puppets. Was about ex's actions, not the kids. They are blameless.

Nor did I say any of those other things. So that tells me you are willing to lie for incredibly petty reasons, which tells me...oh never mind, who gives a damn. 😄

If you make a decision based on the awful things coming from your DC, you will forever resent them. Do what makes you happy. If you will be better off emotionally living with your DP, then you will be better equipped to be a good mum to all, and everyone will benefit. I wish you the best of luck, OP.

I would suggest that you focus on your existing children and what is best for them in the short and longer term. They should be the priority.

She said that she found it difficult to support them emotionally

I can’t believe 15 and 16 year olds are telling their mother to get an abortion. Shaking my head in astonishment.

I find it interesting that nobody has mentioned the state this poor woman will be in if she is forced to abort a much wanted baby. She's having problems coping now, due to the horribleness of her ex, how much worse would it be after a fairly late abortion? She will be a total wreck and therefore emotionally unable to support anybody.

Interesting that some posts are praising the OP for not moving in with her new partner yet for the sake of the children, but then encouraging her to have the new baby. If I was one of her existing children, the presence of a new baby would be far more disruptive to me than a new adult in the house, and will take far more of the mother’s attention and emotional energy.

You should of course keep the baby if thst is what you want.

But I do think you need to consider how to minimise the impact on your other children. You say they’re concerned about giving up sports - what are you putting in place to make sure they don’t have to? Taxis, persuading the baby’s father to take them etc?

It’s your choice, always. But they shouldn’t suffer for it.

Agree with this. Your ex is having far too great an infliuence on your life now considering he is an ex. Can you manage to have no communication apart from texts re. your DC as strictly necessary? Its none of his business what you do with your life now. Your older DC will be able to see him for what he is soon, hopefully. Please don't let him dictate to you via them. Cut contact to absolute minimum, no seeing him, no coming into your house for example. Have your baby, your DC will adapt. They know you are a good Mum.🌺

I doubt he does not know. She has stated ex has told the kids she doesn't care about them, is lazy, etc. so it's not a stretch to think the accusation of her being "selfish" came from him as well. Aren't kids usually excited to be having a baby sister or brother? Their reaction is odd and reeks of the ex's influence IMO. But you're right, we don't know it for a fact.
I understand your POV and have no quibble with it at all. OP needs to consider all factors.

Excellent, balanced response.

I think it’s more likely they’ll feel jealous and that the OP is trying to “start over” and replace them.

Yes, that is a legitimate concern. Coerced abortions should never happen and it does shock me that any woman would suggest giving in to coercion to abort, no matter who it's from.

The way you speak about your current kids’ concerns is very dismissive. I’d guess that they are also worried they are being “replaced” and have lots of other emotions about this due to their already difficult childhood. If you can’t even empathise with and support their worries about a new baby now, I don’t have high hopes for how you’ll be when the baby is actually here.

^new partner has also promised to support baby.
in all honesty I do struggle to emotionally support my older children as it is.^

Get real. He won't.

If you have a situation where you struggle to emotionally support your children already there, ask yourself.

Who is emotionally supporting YOU?

Children are for life.

I think most PP’s (including me) are suggesting a termination just because of OP’s statement that whilst she can just about provide for the existing kids financially, she can’t emotionally.

I think that if the OP said she’s living with her partner, stable relationship, kids are being little shits at the moment because of their awful dad but she has it under control and has a good relationship with her kids etc etc then the responses would be a lot different.

Have you ever sat down with your kids and had a really honest conversation? Along the lines of…

‘your dad doesn’t like me, he speaks badly about me and puts negative thoughts into your heads about me which is really unfair of him because I’m your mum and his your dad and we both love you, always have, always will… this baby wasn’t planned, but we are going to make the best of it as a family. You will always be my number one priority, whatever you think about me I will always be here for you. I don’t know everything and I’m also trying to navigate my way through this…

yada yada. I don’t know… just be honest with them.

As harsh as this answer sounds, this is a great one that I agree with.

I have to come off mumsnet. I am astonished like pp at the amount of comments casually talking about aborting a 15 week pregnancy. I'm even more horrified 15 and 16 year olds could say such evil things to their own mother. It seems to be a common thing on mumsnet to encourage other women to terminate their pregnancys like the baby is a gone off piece of fruit. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Well my teens often tell me that they would die if I had another baby whenever I get broody! That wouldn’t stop me though if I decided to try for another but alas, I’m too old so they’re safe!

I see what you’re saying about the ex’s comments. I didn’t relate them to being because she’s pregnant, I assumed he’d being saying stuff like this to them since they’d split 4 years ago. But I could be wrong and you could be right. If this has all come about since learning of her pregnancy then I think I’d have the same view as you.

Hi op that’s not the solution leaving 3 kids behind. if you really want this baby just tell your kids you cannot get rid of an innocent baby I’m sure they will come round if you terminate when you really want to keep it this will damage you I know believe me if you can manage go for it I would not move in with bloke though get the kids used to baby first. The ex isn't helping matters but he’s abusive one day your kids might see this or realise but don’t give him the satisfaction of getting what he wants the kids need to learn it’s not just about them it’s about all of you. Maybe go see a counsellor in the family planning or the dr time is not on your side if your over 3 months.

firstly they are kids and sorry but your ex is poisoning them and teenagers get jealous full stop. you are also allowing the opinion of your ex to influence your decisions. your post shows very clearly you have been subjected to emotional abuse and manipulation and are still suffering from that trauma you need to do what is right for you. limit your interaction with your abusive ex i would also explain to your children that your ex bad mouthing you is not acceptable and explain what abuse is and that you are not tolerating it from him or them. sit down and have a very honest conversation with your current partner about the future and just know men are weak and he could bail so just do you and what is right for you

I'm astonished that you can't see the full picture. People have many reasons why they would terminate. Lack of money, not coping or they simply don't want a baby to be brought up in dysfunction. Whatever the reasons are they are valid!

what is the Op meant to support her existing children to do? Abuse her in the same way her ex (their dad) has? Yes obviously they are acting up due to issues they've seen with their mum and dad, but telling their mum to get an abortion FFS? And once she does what they want, they continue to kick her? I bet those are three boys as well. I think the OP just can't win whatever she does.

Go on holiday a few times a year? I’m a single mum too, and we’ve been on holiday (in the uk) once in the last 3 years 😂 From a financial perspective, this is most likely the answer. You have the difficult decision of how much a newborn would impact your mental health and relationships with your children (from what you’ve said, their dad is manipulating them 😡)