Think I effed my life up cant see a way out

[oldFoolMe]

Pregnant in a relatively new relationship, where I have been a bit reckless but as an older women with PCOS didn't really think it was possible, certainly not this quickly.

I was married and in abusive relationship for 14 years, left 4 years ago and been on my own since. Had children with him and now they seem to have a very low opinion based on what he says - your mother is lazy, no your mother doesn't care about you ect ect depite working and supporting children on my own for the last 4 years. He hasn't done any parenting, dropped hours so pays a token amount of child support. Sees them for a few hours every couple of months but regularly calls.

Children at first liked my partner, but then when i found out I was pregnant decided they hate him.

Unfortunately overhead a conversation between exh and eldest and he basically said the man is a loser and just using your mum. Mum can't see it as she's desperate, he will leave her and he can't tell kids what to do. I think this is fuelling the hatred.

New partner doesn't live with me, had planned to move to bigger place but put it on hold as my current children are unhappy.

Current kids want me to get rid of the baby as they think I'm being selfish because it will impact them. At the moment I take them to sports several evenings a week.

I want baby, I lost my last one and long to hold the baby I couldn't have.

If i keep baby I think kids will hate me, If I dont keep the baby I'm going to hate myself even more.

can't see any way out of the mess I've got myself into.

Why is it that some exes are truly vile. Who in their right mind would spout that shit to their DC. It makes my blood boil.

Only you can make this awful decision but as a mum of one, having had two miscarriages, I would be keeping the baby.

You don’t sound very loving towards your older kids the way you write about them.

I think you will resent your children badly if you have a termination for them. And they will later feel great guilt for the death of their half sibling. Baby is on the way, you want baby, siblings will get over it. But would you get over an abortion?

She can have as many more kids she wants but do t be surprised if herrelationship with older ones becomes worse. After all she admits she can’t take care of their emotional needs and they nwed her more as they grew up in an abusivehouse.

Yeah, you're probably right, although there is a pretty large contingent of mother shamers on MN who delight in criticizing other women as parents. They jump on threads that have to do with motherhood to tell other women they're bad mothers. Some of the responses do seem to be of that sort.

Hello

long time lurker first time poster, hoping to get a bit of honest feedback about tonight’s very distressing events.

ive been in a relationship for 17 years with a man I met in AA in my mid twenties, I had custody of my niece and we brought her up together. He had adult kids and we’ve all got on. It hasn’t all been plain sailing but in general we’ve done each other more good than harm and we'd settled into quite a nice groove. Neither of us drink, he is still an aa member I don’t attend but don’t drink

this evening he picked me up from work and we were chatting, he then said I’ve got something to tell you and proceeding to tell me he was sponsoring a woman, ie offering very intensive and intimate guidance through the Aa programme. Now this is a general no no for various obvious reasons.

I began to ask him some questions about this and he became increasingly defensive and angry. Telling me things like she’s a lot like you, you’d like her, she just wants to get well etc mentionitis at its finest, It became apparent that she was very new to the fellowship and therefore I would imagine very vulnerable. I told him about my concerns for her and him.

my jealousy then overtook me and I said please tell me honestly is this an attractive woman, he said yes I got annoyed and walked in the house alone. The upshot is he has now told her he won’t do it but has presented as increasingly angry with me and will not give me any details of how this came to be and what contact they have had.
i asked if she’d been in his car and he did not answer so I can only presume she has.

weve never had anything like this before and I’m at a loss, he’s now not speaking to me and has gone to a property he owns and I have no idea how to act, what to say or what to tell people. He is presenting this as I can’t believe you would think this of me , I’m presenting this as I can’t believe you’d be so thoughtless and irresponsible. My intuition and the way he has acted makes me feel this has been an emotional affair and I am desperate. Not how I thought this Tuesday would end,

You need to start your own thread. I'm sure you will get advice on your situation if you do. This thread is for the OP.
But FWIW there is a slang term for this. They call it thirteenth stepping. That's when somebody sponsors another person in a 12 step group out of romantic/sexual interest in that person. I'm told by friends familiar with 12 step groups that this is common.
Start your thread and I'm sure you'll get sympathetic responses.

Tell your kids that the choice to have an abortion is that of the mother alone. That nobody can or should pressure someone into that. Remind them they will have a lovely new sibling to love and that yes it will impact them but not perhaps in a bad way.

2 of them are old enough to know better.

People on this site seem to often have the attitude that babies should only be born if they were entirely planned, 100% of their relatives are ecstatic about their arrival, and their lives will require absolutely no financial sacrifice from anyone. And if that’s not your situation and you want to have the baby anyway, you’re being selfish and not sensible and “need to think of others.” It’s sickening.

OP, you are the one who has to live with yourself for the rest of your life. I think if you have the abortion, you’re going to hate yourself, and you’re going to have rage toward your children building inside you because you’ll feel like they’re part of the reason you’re suffering without your baby.

You’re pregnant with a baby you want, and that’s good news.

Absolutely your choice whether to continue with the pregnancy.

Please remember though that your new baby will grow up too and potentially have the same or worse behaviour issues your current children have. I know I couldn't go through all that again.

Is it your partner's first child? Is he aware you won't be able to move in together?

What if new art net also ends up being an abusive bastard?

Are you financially secure? Can you afford to bring up another child without help from another useless man?

If not there’s no way I’d be taking this risk, knowing what I know now - 2 children, 8 years apart, two abusive dads - made homeless twice. Future utterly fucked. Stupid me.

Tread carefully.

It’s unbelievable isn’t it.

The OP has already said she wants this baby, where has she asked if she should have an abortion?

The op has already said it will affect her mental health having an abortion yet many posters keep suggesting it.

It's a foetus at this stage of development. Her existing children are fully sentinent beings who need their mother and should come first. She is putting her selfish wants above her 3 children whose lives will be impacted upon drastically. If she were my mother and my exams/sleep were impacted upon by a screaming baby night after night in those crucial years before university, I would be forever resentful. By keeping this baby, OP is affirming the toxic narrative of her ex DH.

Aren't kids usually excited to be having a baby sister or brother?

With a new boyfriend?

I don’t think you effed up your life, I think your ex did. Don’t let him continue to do so. If you want to keep the baby then do. you can.
All the very best x x x

Sorry OP that's a hard situation.

I wouldn't abort, as you've told your dc and they will love baby at some stage. They (and you) will likely carry guilt of abortion if you do it now. I say that as someone who has had one.

@MuckFusk
I told her to picture them as sock puppets, because ex is manipulating them just as one would sock puppets. Was about ex's actions, not the kids. They are blameless.

The issue with this is that the OP runs the risk of ignoring any genuine feelings that her DC have and the she doesn't like as manipulative behaviour from her ex and runs the risk of alienating her children without taking any responsibility for her own actions in this.

At 11, 15 and 16 this will disrupt there lives and they are allowed to have feelings about this, especially as the OP is struggling to support them.

I'm sorry you are in this position - however - you already have 3 kids which you admit to struggling to support emotionally - that you would have to cut back on - if you have this child.

If you do this - then the likelyhood is you will loose the relationship you have with them - they are none of them old enough to be independant yet and are at agges where they are hard work and need so much support.

They will see it as you choosing a new child with a new man over them, they will feel abandoned and ignored.

You also have absolutly no guarentee that the father of this baby will actually help, and not just take off when it suits him.

I honestly don't think you should have another child. an d you need to get councelling as well.
Please see you GP

They will love the baby? Not necessarily - from the sounds of it - not at all.

thats an insidious situation to be forced into for those poor kids. Their mum already stuggles with them, the new baby will take over completley and they will end up being ignored.

They have made it clear how they feel - and should be listsened to -

I have been overwhelmed with the comments here, and the difference in opinions.

new partner does have good job, and he is financially secure however i wouldn't actually base my decisions based on his financials but my own. As we all know humans lie, they can cheat anf can find a way to not support so although I trust him, no one ever truly knows what's going on in another persons head.

i would go back to work after 6 months, im lucky I get 6 months full pay and would then pay for childcare.

Had I found out earlier it would be more of a pull to terminate.

My children have a sense of entitlement, which I have enabled. I feel I don't have to go to sports every weeknight and nearly every weekend. It's a privilege not a right. Again with the gadgets and everything else that I've worked hard for.

I know its difficult for them and change is never easy, but I can't see how I can support them without being happy myself.

i wish I had left the exh a long time ago and gone non contact right from the start.

i truly beleived I deserved the way he treated me and it was my fault, its taken years to understand that it wasn't.

Edited for grammer

I think they may well come round. My teenage kids did and now they are all adults they are close.

I now a few mothers in the same situation and all the older kids got over their initial worries if they had any.

Hope you can get through this.

Does it work both ways, will they have abortions if OP isn't keen on being a granny? Don't think so.

And you think she's selfish.