Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

I think I'd have to tell her how it's made me feel like you've said on here

Unless you want to just let her go?

Wow cheeky cow!!! I’d just not reply and consider the friendship done

Yanbu that's awful. I don't think you need a friend like that!

That's awful.

If she was so concerned why did she not open up a discussion while she was visiting rather than wait and send you messages about it after the event? Not that I'm excusing her critising your weight but not having the bottle to do it face to face makes it worse .

Honestly OP you really don't need this person in your life.

I think sending you a message about your weight is out of order. But perhaps she’s worried about you, especially if you eat healthily and go to the gym and you are still overweight. Does she know about these various other factors?

If she’s a good friend I’d give her the benefit of doubt and assume she means well but handled it badly but I don’t know how you can move past it. I think I’d find it difficult too.

I think you have two options here that will serve to protect your boundaries and send yourself the message that you are safe to yourself.

The first is to end the friendship.

The second is to tell your friend how hurtful her comments were and how she has no right to ever speak to you that way again. Tell her that it has changed how you see her and how you feel about her friendship. Continue to be friends but on a less close basis - I.e. you might catch up with her once in a while to do something you both enjoy, but you won't have the same level of communication and trust. Over time, the friendship will naturally fade out OR your friend may make a huge effort to regain your trust.

I think that some (many?) people do lack understanding and empathy when it comes to weight issues. You see it on here all the time when posters talk about how they want to say something to their friend/sister/daughter etc (usually another woman) and have to be talked down by pp explaining why that would be hurtful, disrespectful, and counterproductive. It does not necessarily mean that they are bad people. Maybe they are trying to "help". But even if that's the case, you have the right to decide you do not want this person in your life any more or that the friendship has to change. Protect yourself.

Is it really awful though? It is awful that your feelings are hurt but I don’t think her comments were coming from a bad place and she seems like she genuinely wanted to help. Do you have the sort of friendship where you discuss other difficult subjects?

Not something to end the friendship over if she’s a good friend but definitely be honest about how it has made you feel!

Of course it’s awful. If OP discussed her weight at any time during the “friend’s” visit would be one thing but this message, was unnecessary, uncalled for, faux concerned and rude

OP I would send her an edited version of what you posted here. Whether you continue the friendship is a decision for another day. If she’s otherwise been a good friend, let this be strike one. If she upsets you again to the same or similar extent, I would adopt the “two strikes and you’re out” philosophy 💐

How do you know the concern is 'faux'? You're making an assumption

Some tough love coming up. Reframe this as your friend doing you a massive favour. She has obviously been thinking and worrying about this.

i am a bigger girl, or was until I lost 4 stone (on MJ of course!) I genuinely had nooo idea I was so large. I knew I was overweight but somehow I had normalised it. I look at my old clothes now and can’t believe they used to be tight on me.

I have tried everything to lose weight over the years, literally everything. I feel so much better now. More energy, increased self confidence and physically in better shape than I have been for 40 years.

Your friend must have felt she was taking a massive risk telling you, but she did it out of love. Whether you can use this as the spur to invest in your own health, or remain happy with how you are is your choice. Good luck.

How rude!
I would tell her a few home truths and she can shove her comments and friendship where the sun doesn’t shine.
Never give unsolicited advice on someone’s appearance.

What a rude cherky cow.
I really think she crossed a line.
Who on earth does she think she is.

Take time OP and ignore her messages as long as you like.
You owe her nothing.
Over time you can decide if you want her in your life.

If you wish you can text her that her unasked for observations are deeply offensive and you are taking space from the relationship.

So rude of her.

Yes it is awful, it's extremely rude. It's a comment on someone's appearance dressed up as concern for their health. Op hasn't mentioned any health problems to her friend, so it's purely a judgement based on how she looks. It's on a par with an unsolicited suggestion for someone get plastic surgery for their big nose.

Op, it's sad your friend puts so much value on how much someone weighs and she has lost or seriously damaged a good friendship due to her misguided views. You should tell her that.

I’m entitled to my opinion, just as you’re entitled to yours. Hope that helps

We don't actually know what size OP is and the jabs aren't safe if you are ttc. It's up to OP- no one else's business or opinion.
I'm overweight. I know I'm overweight. I'd be completely mortified if a friend decided to stage an intervention! It's not tough love it's just rude.

A completely opposing view, but coming from a kind place - like your friend presumably meant it to.

OP I think it must have taken a lot for your friend to have said this. And I think it sounds like it is coming from a good place - she did not say it to make you feel hurt or upset, she is genuinely worried about your health, and she must have known that saying something like this would cause you to feel upset. But she still loves you enough to want you to be healthier.

I wish someone had said something to me when I kept putting on weight instead of saying placating things like "oh we all carry a bit of extra weight" or "oh that is just a bad photo you don't look that big in real life" and if someone had taken me to one side and had a gentle word then perhaps I wouldn't have ended up 18 stone with high blood pressure / sugar / cholesterol.

On one hand commenting about someone’s weight is rude . Op obviously knows that she is overweight and does not want this pointed out .
On the other hand , OP’s friend may think that she is acting in op’s best interest . She may genuinely be concerned about OP’s health

Yes, it's REALLY awful! It's astounding someone thinks otherwise.

I worry a lot about my sister's weight though I've never said this to her as I don't think it would be helpful. Could you talk to your doctor just for a sanity check to see if they feel your weight is healthy? They could give you a neutral opinion, if they do say your weight is unhealthy then you'll know that your friend is trying to look out for you because she really values your friendship and wants you to be around for a long time.

I think it depends OP. Is she saying these things out of love for you? If you are significantly overweight, then it can really affect your health especially if you are looking to have a baby. If I had a close friend ,who I really cared for, then I would probably say something (in a tactful way) if I thought that her weight was going to cause her health issues. It is so hard to be a normal weight with modern life so I definitely wouldn't be saying it to shame you though. I think it is very easy to become overweight and very difficult to lose weight particularly the older you get. I would look at her motivation. Is she trying to be mean and make herself look good (in which case she is not a good friend) or does she really care about you and want the best for you?

@LittleMermaidRose your friend is worried about you and tried to find a way to raise it and to help. Obviously it's a sensitive subject, so it would be hard to find a good way to raise it. But your belief that she must have been silently judging you is attributing malice where there likely was none. You're projecting. She cares about you, so she's worried about your health. That's not hard to understand.

You said her comments lowered your self-esteem. You're blaming her. I think your self-esteem was already low and her comments have made you more aware of it.

Good, long-term friends are precious. This one's been your friend since childhood and values you enough to travel a long way to see you (as well as to risk broaching a delicate topic). Unless there's a massive dripfeed, it would be foolish to allow it to 'destroy' your friendship. If you were prepared to do that, that would make you not a good friend. Good friendships are worth fighting for, even if your feelings are hurt.

Why do people assume fat people do not know we’re fat?

I'm so glad that a lot of you understand my perspective on this, I've been really worried that I'm overreacting.

I wouldn't want to throw away the friendship like it was nothing, as we have been in each other's lives for so long. But space is definitely needed for the time being.

Whilst I appreciate that the concern could be coming from a place of love, I feel it was an attack on my appearance rather than my health. I'm active, strong, have no health issues, have quite a physical job.
I also think she may have been projecting some of her own insecurities into me.

And I could appreciate her attempt at "helping" if I had asked, or even mentioned about wanting to lose weight/get fit/be more active etc, but I had said nothing. The topic never came up x

I worry a lot about my sister's weight though I've never said this to her as I don't think it would be helpful.

Same here. My sister now has insulin dependent T2 diabetes and lots of health issues associated with that. She takes more medication than a close friend who has had a stroke and cancer. If course I am worried about her, but I would never comment on her weight.