Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

The thing is, I'm aware of how I look, I don't see a skinny person when I look in the mirror, I know which clothes size I need to buy to fit my body. I'm really not shocked at the fact that she thinks I'm fat. She really didn't need to tell me.

Someone asked if I made poor food choices when I was with her. One night we went out with friends and had pizza and ice cream. I feel absolutely mortified that I ate that in front of her now. And I feel like nobody should feel that way around friends.

Like I said, I don't want to throw the friendship away. I just feel like it's really changed the way I feel about her and the way I feel about myself x

I would value her honesty.

It's hard to say OP without knowing your BMI, if it's let's say 27 that's a totally different scenario to it being over 30. Not that you have to say.

Ultimately it depends on how you see friendships and what you want from them. Personally, I would appreciate that my friend cared enough to say something even at the risk of it being hard to hear.

I put on a few stone recently and one of the first things my dad said when we met after a few months was 'wow, you're looking... different' haha. He's the loveliest man and didn't mean anything hurtful, no history of anything of that kinda at all. It just really took him aback as I was much bigger than the last time he'd seen me! He was right of course.

If you only want friends who will tiptoe around and avoid saying difficult truths then that's absolutely okay, and you of course can decide what you want to do with this friendship. But gently, I'd encourage you to think through what she said. If you were truly happy with your size I would imagine it wouldn't bother you as much.

I didn't want to be bigger at all and hated it but it didn't bother me someone else noticed and said something, it's just fact. I've lost it now but I can see why for some people they might not act until they get some kind of wake up call like your friend has given you.

The fact is I very much doubt you are in the category of serious health issues op. The concern for health is not real at all. Many bigger people are healthier than slim people for instance - particularly those that exercise regularly and eat well.

I think it was your confidence and happiness that irked her. Is she happy with her own life?

She said some real hurtful and untrue things to you and a real friend doesn’t take you down op. You haven’t seen this woman for 7 years and when you do she hurts you like this. I think I’d drop her. An old friend doesn’t equate to a good friend.

I have a bigger friend and couldn’t care any less, it’s the person I care about. She dresses really well, she is super intelligent and has a great career, happily married (with 2 dc) and is beautiful in my eyes.

You need real friends op, not links to recipes! Honestly. Be happy in your own skin.

Did you even read my post?

I also think people jumping to criticise the friend probably have a mental image where you've put a stone or two on and gone from BMI 23 to 26 or something.

For all we know you could be obese or morbidly so, which is a real, severe heath risk. If that's the case then surely you can see why a friend would be really worried and try help, even clumsily? She probably loves you and wants you around for a long time to come.

To other posters, if OP was BMI 40, would that change your mind on whether the friend was right to say something or not?

Did you read mine?

Some people don't know when to keep their gobs shut (or fingers tied together) How dare she say this to you. That's extremely hurtful and I imagine it's not something you need pointed out to you. No doubt you know you're overweight. I would point out to her that you know your size, you aren't completely oblivious . I wouldn't bother with her anymore tbh.

It wouldn’t change my opinion. Its the doctor’s job to inform her of any health risks not mine.

My job is to support, celebrate and care for my friends, not judge them and pretend I am superior by giving them unsolicited advice.

This isn't actually true. It's a common myth that people who are overweight/obese know. That's great that you're conscious and reflective on this stuff, but you definitely don't speak for everyone.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/nov/14/obese-britons-dont-think-they-have-weight-problem

"A team funded by Cancer Research UK compared people’s perceptions of their weight in 2007 and again in 2012. They asked over 650 survey respondents whose height and weight gave them a BMI (body mass index) of 30 or more, which is defined as obese, to indicate how they would describe their own weight. In 2007, only 13% of women and 4% of men considered themselves to be obese, and in 2012 that dropped to 11% and 7%."

OP if you don't want to throw the friendship away, like you've said, I really think you need to tell her what you've said here about how you feel

Wow what a nasty thing for her to do.

The part of it that gets me most is that, IF you wanted to change your body you are perfectly capable of using google yourself to browse the thousands of weight loss methods and/or exercise routines. She's treated you like you are a moron or something! You are perfectly entitled to ring her and have a right go at her for sending such a nasty message!

Your body shape and weight is none of her business, anyway! There are people of all shapes in the world and her job is to be tolerant of all shapes and sizes.

Unfortunately if OP hasn't had any recent health issues their GP might not even know their current weight.

And depending on where she spends time IRL and online, there are an awful lot of people saying that you should instruct your doctor never to weigh you, or discuss your weight with you. Sounds bonkers but it's true.

I can just see why a good friend might err on the side of saying something than not.

I think we should have a right to say things to our friends that they don’t like or wants to hear

people often lie to themselves , and harming yourself - well she wouldn’t be much of a friend to not worry about the harm you do to yourself

And if she is a friend she'll realise her mistake and understand better

This. Ultimately if OP wants to address it, a good friend will listen and say sorry for hurting her feelings, and explain where it came from.

Proper friendships can withstand this sort of thing, saying something that is hurtful or doesn't go down well and it being discussed.

I think many obese people are quite happy in themselves and don’t care. I know it’s beyond the imagination of many on here, but they might enjoy food and going out for dinner and good company. I know many bigger people that are happy just as they are. Honestly people are allowed to be successful, fulfilled and happy - even if they are bigger. They might even be happier who knows!

Its none of her business quite frankly.

I would tell her that she has shattered your self esteem and you dont need someone else telling you your fat.

She is clearly concerned for you / about you, and may have thought for weeks about what to say and how to say it.

Maybe during the time she was with you she realised the quantity you eat or the type of food you eat.

Do you maybe think you are in denial about the actual size you are as you admit you are a bigger girl but not how big in the bigger and this may be why ' Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about. '

'but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. '

Are you trying to lose weight ? do you want to lose weight ? Only you know the answer.

I guess you are not happy being a ' bigger ' girl or her suggestion would not have affected your self esteem so much ?

One of my now dearest friends in real life I actually met in the forums of myfitnesspal about 15 years ago- a calorie-counting site we both joined when our eldest kids were babies- so many of our earliest conversations were on the subject of calories, workouts and so on.

I have gone on to become very fit and a healthy weight. She hasn't, but has put on quite a bit more since then. We meet and message a lot and talk about our kids, the theatre, our jobs, cooking, politics, books-- not weight or fitness.

I would rather cut out my own tongue than ever mention it to her or make her feel worse about something she must be 100% aware of.

I think is normal to feel hurt, but I honestly don't think your friend had bad intentions. It seems she was being tactful. I recently saw a family member who I love very much, after 7 years, I always have struggled with my weight but in recent years worked really hard to come down to a size 10/12 again after having 2 kids.i am still a bit slightly overweight, so probably not the best person to judge but she was quite overweight and her husband told em she doesn't walk, she just doesn't even want to walk 200-400 meters or anything, she doesn't work either -never has since she got married and she has no kids so lives an incredibly sedentary life. I wish I had the guts your friend has to send her that type of message but afraid she will react like you.

I would personally prefer it if my friends or partner wouldn't tiptoe around me if I was looking chunky and be truthful. I ask them to do this now as I gained a lot of weight in the past, nobody told me and I lived in a state of denial until I saw a truly unflattering picture of myself. I watch my sister getting bigger and bigger. She is constantly posting pictures of the junk food she eats in restaurants most days but I would never say a word as she would verbally obliterate me if I dared. Other cultures aren't as sensitive about stating the truth that someone is overweight, perhaps we need to become a little more resilient as a nation.

Nope!! It’s not your job as a friend to force your view down your friend’s throat. They are adults, perfectly able to manage their own lives, food, health etc without your input.

Patronising your friends with your ‘expert’ opinion is not going to endear you to anyone. Strangely enough when someone sees their own value, which usually comes from a place of confidence and contentment, they take better care of themselves.

Criticising someone will never work, and you will be alienate all of your friends.

Its not your place to judge other people’s bodies.

It's tricky because weight is such a sensitive subject and people are overweight generally know they are overweight and they generally know that they need to lose weight and how to do it but doing it itself is a difficulty . I don't think she should have said anything However what if it was drinking or taking drugs, you can feel it or having cosmetic surgery would people still think concern should have been unsaid Or is it just because it's to do with food and weight? You know her as a person and so you'll be able to tell whether her concern it's genuine and coming from a good place Or she was just trying to make digs.

I have last four stone this year and one of my friends has said to me that she had been worried about my health. She hadn't said anything pre weight loss . I used weight loss injections which I also suspect she has negative views on because she takes a very low medicine approach to her health But she has kept any opinion to herself.

Nope.

There's not a scale of 'fat' where it suddenly becomes ok to give unsolicited weight related advice.

My mum is the Queen of this, she is never done commenting on my weight or my sisters weight. And the joke of it is - she's saying it as if I can change things overnight. Weightloss takes time, especially to be done in a safe and healthy way and that also doesn't account for the fact that there are lots of valid reasons why someone may gain a lot of weight or why it may be extremely difficult for some people to lose weight.

So if everyone thinks it's fine to comment because they're 'being supportive' and 'being caring' and you're at the 'fair game' BMI marker then all they are actually doing in reality is making someone feel like they need to repeatedly justify themselves/divulge private medical information/discuss their fertility issues etc etc which is a mental strain slim people do not have to deal with. And that chips away at mental resilience and confidence and funnily enough mental resilience and confidence are actually quite important for weight loss. It's really not the kindness you seem to think it is. It's draining and exhausting and it does send out the message that you can't exist peacefully in society without being smaller.