Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

If your self esteem is shattered by a friend telling you the truth you have other problems

I wish I had a friend that would have a difficult conversation with me as she was worried about me. My weight loss would be of no benefit to her so I would have to consider the advice with an open mind.

One of those problems being that are you putting up with very poor behaviour op. Don’t ample so called friends to shatter your contentment. I would downgrade the friendship or not have one at all. She isn’t worth it.

All those saying what a cheeky cow, would you say the same about it if it had been about worryingly low weight instead? So she’d messaged saying I’m sorry but I’ve been worrying your weight is so low?

yes she did it really clumsily but actually a true friend would raise a concern rather than pretending all is well.

Why? Presumably she and your other friends ate the same? There is absolutely no reason for you to feel embarrassed at all!

I think she's behaved incredibly badly. She might say there was care behind it but there can't have been much- if she had taken a few minutes to think about how she'd feel receiving that message I doubt she would have sent it. It's hardly even helpful advice -does she think you can't Google recipes yourself or something?

Even the comment about you struggling to become a mum- she didn't know you were trying - for all she knew you might not want kids or had suffered several losses already-how much more would that have upset you?

If the best thing she can say is that she didn't mean to upset you (which is the bare minimum of expected behaviour for any interactions between two strangers let alone a friend!) that's hardly an excuse - she was incredibly thoughtless and insensitive.

Completely different scenario if it had been something you discussed but as it wasn't I completely understand your POV - You spent the weekend chatting about all these exciting new things that have happened in your life and clearly she felt none of them were relevant or interesting compared to your weight.

I also think this came from a helpful place and she clearly misjudged it and shouldn’t have written it to you. I think a lot comes from how much you’ve gained really , you say you’re overweight, but if it is into obesity or even morbid obesity then she may have been concerned about you and the change and made a terrible error of judgement and she has apologised, if however you’re a size 14 and simply in the overweight category then she was being a bitch and you should end the friendship. Only you know her well enough, how much weight you’ve gained, and thus if she was genuinely concerned and it was bothering her, or if she was not. Either way though, that’s not something you text someone. Incredibly foolish and insensitive.

I wouldn’t expect a comment at all unless they were dangerously underweight needing urgent hospital care.

Unpopular opinion but I would prefer a friend to talk to me and reach out if they noticed I’d gained a lot or lost a lot of weight.

You say you’re a bigger girl, if you’re a size 14-16 then I think she’s being a bit ridiculous to reach out and message but honestly, perhaps if you are a size 20 plus then MAYBE she is just trying to be supportive and caring. I understand I might be told I’m mean for saying that but when I lost a tonne of weight and got too slim my friends noticed but didn’t say anything until I said I have lost too much weight (gained it all back now btw) and they all agreed I was looking a bit frail. I wish one of them just spoke to me.

The fact she’s reached out over message and not made nasty comments like “gosh, put the ice cream down!” Makes me feel maybe she does just care.

Yup. The OP is obviously trying to live healthily.

I'm just back from holiday so have missed the gym, but normally go there 3 or 4 times a week. I see a lot of bigger women working out there and if someone had sent any of us a message like the one received by the OP, I'd view it as a real kick in the teeth.

I am fatter than I was at my healthier weight. If my friend stated the obvious I would be upset but know it comes from.a place of love. They know my health is deteriorating and the extra weight is not helping. It hard to hear I know OP.

Yes, because a concerningly low weight can lead to IMMEDIATE health problems and even death. It's rare for people to reach an unhealthily low weight without having either a physical illness or some sort of eating disorder. Being fat is not an eating disorder. 64% of the population are not at risk of hospitalisation.

Yes being overweight can impact your health long term but OP is leading a full life with work, going out, activities, trying to conceive, going to the gym several times a week. She's clearly not a candidate for my 400 pound life.

It's not the same and you're just showing your own prejudices by making the equivalence.

I don't think kind friends, childhood or otherwise, comment about each other's weight. My BFF, who I see infrequnetly due to distance, has never said anything to me despite me having gained approximately 4 stone since knowing her from uni. Sometimes we talk about the difficulty in losing weight (as she has also gained), and working out, and getting older. But never in judgement, like you say. There is no 'you should do/try this.' If someone blindsided me like this, I wouldn't even bother replying anymore, but step away from the friendship. Being overweight is not a moral failing.

When you say bigger, are we talking 14/16 or 20/22?

If she hasn’t seen you in a long time she’s probably concerned. I’m a size 14/16 now and when I left my country I was a size 8. Most people that haven’t seen me in a long time almost immediately comment on it and obviously yes it will be because of my appearance, but also because we all know how weight affects your health and it could be something else going on. It generally comes from a place of caring about you.

However I come from a country where weight is openly discussed and it doesn’t offend me, even if it’s difficult to hear. Obviously not if someone is making fun, but it doesn’t seem like your friend was.

I'm an evil old so-and-so, but I'm now wondering whether she's jealous of the new, confident you.

I'll not go into all my issues but I've had folk making comments about my appearance in the past, not all of it well intentioned.

So far as my weight issues are concerned, I've moved from being 'obese' to 'overweight' according to the NHS chart. Surprise, surprise I now have people warning me not to lose too much weight.

I think you have articulated really well what happened and how it made you feel and I would pretty much say all of that to her.

I would finish by saying that as a friend that you don’t see much it was really hurtful to get a message afterwards that had so much unasked for and unwarranted comments and point out you had never asked for her opinion or mentioned that you wanted motivation. I would also point out that people that make comments particularly in messages can not judge their impact - it could have affected someone else to a really detrimental scale and triggered a past eating disorder or depression and so on.

Someone used to make comments about my weight when I was a size 8 and 7 stone calling me fat, it triggered MH, diet issues and I gradually learnt that people that do this are often not coming from ‘kindness’ but projecting their own issues.

Why even mention Korea then?! 🙄

What cultures are you if you don’t mind me asking? My friend is Chinese and talking about each others weight was the norm. I don’t get offended when she talks about mine but I have been brought up to not mention if someone has gained weight as it is rude in Britain.

@DiggingHoles said “Do you think that the person gaining weight doesn't notice? Do you think they never noticed old clothes not fitting anymore, their appearance changing in the mirror the different treatment they get from people?”

Many of us who gain a lot of weight also go into denial. That’s how some of us get fat in the first place. We convince ourselves that eating a packet of biscuits is not going to affect us, we avoid getting on scales etc.

I once went from size 8 to 14 through emotional eating. I am sure some people who saw me fat for the first time were shocked. None of them commented however. A part of me wishes it was normal for people to comment on weight gain ( in a kind way of course) because I could have said “yeah, I have had a tough time lately and ate emtionally”. So sometimes people are right to say they are worried if someone gains weight because it isn’t always about greed.

OTOH if the weight is gained through emotional eating weight watchers ain’t gonna work and will only add to the problem.

And there is a German word for fat gained through emotional eating: kummerspeck which loosely translates as grief fat.

Op, your friend was clumsy but may have meant well. Or she is fat phobic. Many are. I think you have the right to be equally “honest” and tell her exactly how you feel and take it from there.

The point is a good, solid friendship should be respectful, it should have your best interests at heart. You should come away feeling better not worse. As a friend, why would you ever feel it’s okay to comment on the body of even a really close friend. It’s none of your business. It’s massively overstepping boundaries.

To be fair a poster says upthread that it was only after she lost weight on MJ that she realised how big she'd been before...she'd normalised it.

I don't think your friend probably handled this in the best way, but it's a shame weight is such a taboo topic and people take it so personally. If you had a dodgy looking mole and she was advising you to get it checked out, would you feel so hurt?

And so what if she has normalised it? That’s for her to deal with - not you. Clothes don’t normalise, so I assume it’s obvious when things no longer fit. This is just infantilising adults and it’s very rude.

From what you say, I would go straight back to her and tell her how you feel. It is none of her business what you do. Just go about your own method of staying healthy and bear in mind that people do have obsessions. Perhaps she is behaving like a crazed convert. Sometimes, people just need it told straight, let the dust settle and see what you are left with. Be strong and live your best life and that includes doing what suits you to stay healthy.

Yes, and a lot of people “know” and “don’t know”. If you see what I mean. People avoid looking in mirrors, standing on scales etc. so many people only realise quite how big they have got when they happen to see themselves in a photograph.

I agree you need to tell her straight for the purposes of dignity and addressing the issue she has created.

‘I am really happy with my body and my life right now, and I was very surprised to receive your messages.

I really didn’t appreciate your comments or links and would thank you not to do so again, it is likely to impact our friendship and the way I see you as a friend if this were to continue’

If you don’t get an immediate, genuine apology you will have your answer.