Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

Yes this is exactly how I feel.
If I were to gain/lose/stay exactly the same weight, I would still feel judged by her as soon as she saw me again. I would now feel embarrassed around her, no matter what size I was x

What annoys me even more is I'm treated different now I've actually lost the weight naturally 🙈 people are so much nicer to you. I can't imagine treating someone different due to their size

It’s a really difficult one because if I had a friend who was obese then I would be truly concerned about their health, I would absolutely be thinking it but don’t think I would ever say it and I’m not sure if that is better or worse.

As a side note though weight loss is one of the best things you can do to boost your fertility.

This^

Opinions are like willies, completely fine to have one but don't go waving it around unsolicited.

I missed this bit when I first read your post, OP, and I think it’s important:

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed

She has apologised to you and you’ve told her you don’t want to discuss your weight. You’ve both spoken and now hopefully understand each other: you’ve clearly communicated you don’t want to talk about your weight and she has apologised. I’d move forward from this.

I’ve mentioned something to a friend before (nothing to do with weight or appearance, but related to a difficult personal situation that caused me concern for her). She said she didn’t want to discuss it; I apologised and we moved on. Our friendship now is just the same, but I feel we’re both grateful for each other’s honesty, and that deeper connection that showed we were true friends.

She probably didn’t mention it to you at the time as she was struggling about how to phrase it or waiting for you to mention it. It would have taken a lot for her to say something. Unless her replies to you have shown she’s just being mean or judgey, I’d take her concern in the spirit in which it was given.

Hello Green My friend is korean. She is always friendly and kind .Very polite as well .Pretty sure she doesnt go around talking about peoples weight!

If you don’t mind me asking how much weight/dress sizes have you gained over the 7 years she hasn’t seen you? If it’s crept on, you won’t have noticed it to the extent she has.

I’m going against the grain to say that I think she did it out of genuine concern and most likely thought not telling you in person would be better as it wouldn’t put you on the spot. I don’t think there’s ever a ‘best’ way to say these things.

I never understand people who won’t tell someone something because ‘they already know’. Maybe they are scared and desperate for a loved one to acknowledge there’s an issue so they can help tackle it together. If my child was becoming obese there is no way I’d not say anything.

It’s rude. People who are over weight know they are over weight, they don’t need to be told & sent links for exercises ffs. That is so insulting! As if you’re too thick to realise… it would end the friendship for me.

She probably shouldn't have said anything because she couldn’t predict how you might take it (which she should have considered). I have a friend who is very overweight but I would never say anything because a) she’s never asked my opinion and b) she’s an adult, she knows and doesn’t need me pointing it out.

You know your friend enough to know if it was a badly thought out piece of (unasked for) advice or an in-character bitchy comment. If it was your sister and not a friend who said it would you permanently cut communication with her?

I used to be obese. The only person who ever mentioned it was one of my sisters, who used to nag me when I ate rubbish. It was very hurtful and annoying at the time.

Several years later, with a lot of work, I was down to a healthy BMI. Looking back I'm grateful to my sister. She at least tried to help even if she went about it in the wrong way.

The only thing I can think of to mitigate the rudeness, and cowardice of the way she didn't say it to your face...would be if she's recently been indoctrinated into WW and is being made to spam people to join? It's kind of like an MLM I think so she could've been 'suckered in'?

Otherwise why be so specific about the method you should use. Why not just say go on a diet, go on ozempic? I mean she shouldn't say anything at all obviously. But I guess I'm trying to think of what motivated her to say it in that way.

I hope you can get over it though. It would be a shame to lose your entire friendship. Make it clear it was hurtful and hopefully she'll apologise, understand and never mention your weight again. Or anyone else's.

She may not have had an idea of exactly how big she has gotten, but she would undoubtedly know that she had gotten bigger. That's what I take issue with. People who are trying to be "helpful" think that the person whose weight they judge, has absolutely no idea they have gotten bigger and that's just nonsense.

When you say from another country could there be a cultural difference? I have a couple of Nigerian friend’s and they will say things like this but it’s not a judgemental thing they would just want the person to be healthy because they care about them. I understand why you are upset though

This would be the end of the friendship for me!! I’d never trust her judgement again tbh. I think it’s so so rude! You obviously aren’t close enough that you’re discussing you trying for a baby so I don’t see why your weight would be up for discussion. I’d be done!

Again, these people may not think they have a problem, but they are not ignorant of the fact they have gotten bigger. If your clothes don't fit anymore, that's impossible to ignore.

What jumped out at me is that you describe yourself in your OP as “a bigger girl”. Which sounds exactly like someone minimising how big they actually are. You don’t say your height or build but a size 20 is very very overweight. Perhaps you were more breathless or struggling more that when she last saw you. Only you know.

I guess it's down to you to decide if you think she was trying to be malicious or made a genuine error of judgement

I agree - although your sis went about it in a immature and annoying way, by not ignoring it she didn’t give you the opportunity to delude yourself into thinking ‘well nobody’s said anything so it can’t be that bad’.

Totally agree. What kind of thing would she come out with when you're parent. She sounds so judgey. Call time on her.

Go away or that, what a load of waffle to excuse a rude, nasty individual OR an individual with serious issues with food OR somebody who needs to be told to stop worrying about other people's weight and maybe spend some time on self-reflection on how to become a better person.

If you don’t mind me asking how much weight/dress sizes have you gained over the 7 years she hasn’t seen you? If it’s crept on, you won’t have noticed it to the extent she has.

OP has said she has gone up one dress size in that time.

She probably means well, but I understand how that must have felt. Just tell her what you've said here.

since you’ve spoken about it and she said sorry, I would try to let it go. You know whether she will have meant well or not. And she is probably projecting as most people are.

My sister is huge. Really big. A lot bigger than you! I don’t mention her weight to her, she doesn’t talk about it but I can’t imagine she’ll be alive to see her daughter grow up - I guess she might manage 10 years max.

No one says anything to her and who knows if they should or not. Perhaps when she’s dead we’ll all be wringing our hands and saying we should have helped her and sent links to chair yoga and shit. 🤷‍♀️

But surely she knew her dress size.

It’s just weird to give unsolicited advice like this. We know we’re fat. If a friend did this to me I would completely ignore her message like I never received it.

If I need advice I ask for it.

Hi op,

I’m really sorry that you have been hurt like this by your friend.

I went to confess something… over twenty years ago … I was her!

I had met a lovely friend walking in the park. She was from another continent, was morbidly obese, and she desperately wanted her own children one day. I had just had my own child at the time. We never discussed her weight together but she mentioned it in the context of conceiving and it was obvious that it was a source of stress and worry to her.

Anyway, I was naturally thin then and I didn’t understand about being fat or how it felt. I am fat now though and have a completely different perspective! I hold up my trousers to the window nowadays and think “how on earth do I fill these?” Because they look enormous and I don’t feel that big! But when I look in the mirror, it’s obvious that I am!

After a year or two of a lovely friendship, in which she helped me a lot with the baby, and I hosted her a lot and introduced her to people, she eventually returned to the country of her birth and we kept in touch by email and one day, after many more months of not conceiving, she sent some great news saying that a relative was willing to fund a one-off round of IVF to help her dh and her get pregnant!

And this is where it all went wrong because although I was massively happy and excited for her, I basically said something like; “how brilliant for you and I hope you can lose some weight in advance to make the very most of this opportunity”. 🙈

I did not put it as crassly as that but nonetheless it was a really insensitive comment and I obviously have regretted it ever since. It really did come from
a good place because I desperately wanted her to have the joy of a child! I was thinking about her weight as an aside if that makes sense! But it was not my business to say that and I was wrong.

Anyway I deservedly got a very terse reply back and although I replied apologising profusely, I never heard from her again.
Back then I thought that losing weight was quite easy! How wrong I was!

I don’t know if this story gives you a different perspective op, or not, but I can understand how upset you feel! I was genuinely happy for my friend and didn’t want her IVF to fail. Equally I was very wrong to comment about her weight.

It’s a strange thing about friendships too, and something I am never sure about, At what point do you cross over the line from pleasant company and chit chat to supporting one another to actually having conversations that are difficult?

I thought that we were close enough for our friendship to take a comment like that as she had raised these issues before with me (unlike in your situation) and had not held back her opinions about my house, or how I had organised it, and had been quite bossy to me at times! But my judgement was totally wrong and I should have realised that weight and IVF were much more sensitive subjects.

Ultimately though, can friendships grow if we only discuss superficial, non-controversial subjects? Maybe they can? Two decades later, I have certainly learnt only to offer advice when it is asked for!

It’s obviously up to you how you handle this going forward! But going from my own experience, I suspect that your friend was genuinely worried for you. And I hope that you can eventually rescue your relationship. Equally, I understand how this has changed things for you!