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Original poster

Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

293 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 29/07/2025 11:09

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 29/07/2025 13:05

needtostopnamechanging · 29/07/2025 12:44

If your self esteem is shattered by a friend telling you the truth you have other problems

I was mocked for a facial deformity. I guess people were only telling me the truth.

Mumofsoontobe3 · 29/07/2025 13:06

Sorry I think this would end the friendship for me. How hurtful, I mean if you had gotten yourself very upset in my company about your weight and has asked for advice I think I'd only ever offer reassurance you were doing well. The links to exercise video's etc is totally out of order. I'm not surprised your feeling low and a bit humiliated but this is her problem she's trying to make yours. Absolutely not her place to make comments or judgements. I hope your ok OP and I hope your TTC journey goes well. Focus on looking after yourself, not someone like that.

Namechangedforthiscomment · 29/07/2025 13:06

WearyAuldWumman · 29/07/2025 12:51

Yup. The OP is obviously trying to live healthily.

I'm just back from holiday so have missed the gym, but normally go there 3 or 4 times a week. I see a lot of bigger women working out there and if someone had sent any of us a message like the one received by the OP, I'd view it as a real kick in the teeth.

Show quote history

Yes I'm trying to lose but I'm breastfeeding so no jabs and have to not restrict my calories too much. Also the weight clings to me when breastfeeding! I'm focusing on getting stronger and fitter at the moment. You don't always know what is going on in someone's life.

Nestingbirds · 29/07/2025 13:07

I also think those that make a fuss over weight are usually the ones with the problem. Almost every one I know with an ED is very sensitive to weight, food etc even when it’s got nothing to do with them. They can’t tolerate it. It’s almost certainly a HER problem op, not yours.

WearyAuldWumman · 29/07/2025 13:08

Lavenderandclimbingrose · 29/07/2025 12:55

I think you have articulated really well what happened and how it made you feel and I would pretty much say all of that to her.

I would finish by saying that as a friend that you don’t see much it was really hurtful to get a message afterwards that had so much unasked for and unwarranted comments and point out you had never asked for her opinion or mentioned that you wanted motivation. I would also point out that people that make comments particularly in messages can not judge their impact - it could have affected someone else to a really detrimental scale and triggered a past eating disorder or depression and so on.

Someone used to make comments about my weight when I was a size 8 and 7 stone calling me fat, it triggered MH, diet issues and I gradually learnt that people that do this are often not coming from ‘kindness’ but projecting their own issues.

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Agreed.

I had a comment made about my weight when I was 5ft 9 and weighed 9 st 2lb. The people who made the comments were not being kind.

I skipped meals to try to get my weight down. I got down to 8st 10 and I recall my parents then worrying about anorexia.

Canijustsayonething · 29/07/2025 13:10

I notice that your friend wasn't quite brave enough to give you these words of wisdom face to face so I would take that as she knew she was likely to touch a nerve and potentially being inappropriate.

I've tried to put myself in her position as I do have 3 friends who are morbidly obese. One of them constantly ping-pongs back and forth with slimming world, the other is now on WLI and the 3rd doesn't really give a stuff about it. All of them on some kind of medication for weight related health issues. Never in my dreams would I consider telling the 3rd one that she should do something about it. (also no point talking about it in depth with 1 and 2 because they are trying to do something about it) I love all these friends very dearly but even that 'love' wouldn't make me want to have a conversation with them about sign posting them to weight loss options.

I would have had the same reaction to you OP. I've put weight on and am far too heavy but I'm doing things very quietly to restore the balance. If someone, right now, decided to message me with such 'useful' information, I'd be devastated and would also think the same as you (that all the time we spent together, she was thinking I was so fat that she needed to tell me about it). I personally would struggle with maintaining that friendship.

Nestingbirds · 29/07/2025 13:10

The central issue being that why do we feel we can judge women’s bodies in the first place. Whether too fat or too thin. It’s never good enough. I don’t see men being subjected to running commentaries on how they look….

Catfox1 · 29/07/2025 13:11

She’s obviously given this some thought as it took about a month to raise it with you but I’d be upset if I were you too.

friendshipover24 · 29/07/2025 13:12

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/07/2025 11:49

Yes, it's REALLY awful! It's astounding someone thinks otherwise.

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Continue being astounded. The friend was just trying to help.

lizzyBennet08 · 29/07/2025 13:13

Again I think it depends on how much weight the Op has put on. If only a stone or two then it's unlikely the friend was really coming from
a place of concern , However if thr ops weight went from normal weight to very obese since the last time her friend saw her it's possible she was genuinely concerned for her health and fertility.
Absolutley not her place to say anything but I think her motive is all important here.

RedSeven · 29/07/2025 13:15

DiggingHoles · 29/07/2025 12:25

Do you think that the person gaining weight doesn't notice? Do you think they never noticed old clothes not fitting anymore, their appearance changing in the mirror the different treatment they get from people?

Trust me, we know. We don't need other people telling us we got bigger. It's not something you can ignore. So a friend acting all "concerned" like we couldn't possibly have noticed is really insulting.

It also makes the friend look shallow.

The friend is also not OP´s doctor, so they should keep their nose out and keep their unsolicited opinions to themselves.

Show quote history

I mean a poster on this thread said that she has no idea how big she was until others pointed out.

some people are a little delulu and don't realise

jay55 · 29/07/2025 13:17

As a fat person who is a lot smaller than I was. Someone telling me I’m fat is far more likely to have me eating cake, than going to the gym.
i know im fat. I don’t need anyone telling me out of love.

mondaytosunday · 29/07/2025 13:17

Why do people think that overweight people are oblivious? Oh wow thanks X, I had no idea I was carry extra pounds! Thanks so much I’ve been such a dunce! And watching what I eat and exercising?? Wow who knew?!?
People say they are trying to be helpful - no they are not.

TheCurious0range · 29/07/2025 13:18

Where does she live and where is she from? In my experience some other nationalities are a lot more honest about weight than we are in the UK. Even if you grew up in the same country I'd she is now embedded in a culture where it's quite normal to call people out on weight gain she might not at it as offensive.
I remember a Japanese colleague looking at me quite blankly when I said to her you can't say that! When she'd commented to me about another colleague coming back from secondment oh she has become quite fat while she was away, must be all that staying in hotels and eating out. She was a really nice person and just saw it as a statement of fact.

StillHouseplants · 29/07/2025 13:19

I cannot understand posters saying this is acceptable.
There are loads of threads on MN about not having friends and I can see why!

Bigfatsunandclouds · 29/07/2025 13:21

YellowCamperVan · 29/07/2025 12:35

I also think people jumping to criticise the friend probably have a mental image where you've put a stone or two on and gone from BMI 23 to 26 or something.

For all we know you could be obese or morbidly so, which is a real, severe heath risk. If that's the case then surely you can see why a friend would be really worried and try help, even clumsily? She probably loves you and wants you around for a long time to come.

To other posters, if OP was BMI 40, would that change your mind on whether the friend was right to say something or not?

No, because it's rude. OP hadn't asked for help or comment on how she looks. As she said herself she knows how she looks and is obviously okay with that.

If someone had acne really badly would you comment unless the person had actively asked for your opinion? If no, why do you think it's appropriate to do so for an overweight, obese (morbidly or otherwise) person. It's just plain rude and concern trolling.

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/07/2025 13:22

I think it also depends on her background. If she isn’t European then this is a fairly standard thing to bring up to those you care about.

NightPuffins · 29/07/2025 13:25

“I feel like the whole time we were together I was having a great time with my friend while she was silently judging my body”

I think this is what I would say to her. It will be difficult to pull a good friendship back from this as it’ll play on your mind whenever you are together now. Perhaps give this friendship some distance now.

MaryMcLary · 29/07/2025 13:25

Zov · 29/07/2025 12:11

100% bin her. What a nasty thing to say. How fucking DARE she? Hmm

Block and delete and ghost her...

That’s what I would do.

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 29/07/2025 13:27

I'm a dress size bigger than the last time she saw me, I don't think it's a huge amount. I was an 18 before, now I'm a 20. It's not like it's a shocking transformation.
Obviously I'm trying to lose weight, but I have suffered with EDs in the past so I do have to be careful how I go about it. Right now, healthier eating and the extra exercise I'm doing is working well for me and making me feel good at the same time :)

She isn't happy in herself right now. She doesn't have a lot of friends where she lives, hates her job, and has a few health problems. But I can't imagine her wanting to hurt me just to make herself feel better (at least I really hope that's not the case).

I'm not a confrontational person so I feel like I will struggle to bring this up to her, but if she asks, I will tell her how I really feel x

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 29/07/2025 13:29

Also, I am in the UK. We both grew up here but now she lives in the USA x

OP posts:
MaryMcLary · 29/07/2025 13:29

LittleMermaidRose · 29/07/2025 13:27

I'm a dress size bigger than the last time she saw me, I don't think it's a huge amount. I was an 18 before, now I'm a 20. It's not like it's a shocking transformation.
Obviously I'm trying to lose weight, but I have suffered with EDs in the past so I do have to be careful how I go about it. Right now, healthier eating and the extra exercise I'm doing is working well for me and making me feel good at the same time :)

She isn't happy in herself right now. She doesn't have a lot of friends where she lives, hates her job, and has a few health problems. But I can't imagine her wanting to hurt me just to make herself feel better (at least I really hope that's not the case).

I'm not a confrontational person so I feel like I will struggle to bring this up to her, but if she asks, I will tell her how I really feel x

I would not comment on anyone’s weight, full stop. I would find it very difficult to maintain this friendship having also suffered an ED in the past.

MrsK89 · 29/07/2025 13:32

I'm not sure why people think it's their right to comment and judge based on weight.
So many times I've had comments from my SIL about starting mounjaro. I've never even mentioned my weight

dottiedodah · 29/07/2025 13:33

I think this kind of "passive" comment is bitchiness ,dressed up as "caring".I am overweight myself,I have a mirror and dresses . so I know what size I am! How is her life going OP? Does she have a BF or family. Does she have a "good" job.I think if it were me I would cool this faux "friendship" right back .At best she is tactless at worst a bit of a bitch! See your other friends and concentrate on them /DH right now

SweetFancyMoses · 29/07/2025 13:34

I guess she hasn’t seen you for a while and she got a shock when she saw you. It takes a very brave (or insensitive) friend to mention another’s weight though. She probably thinks she owes it to you to say something, but I can totally understand the humiliation.

FWIW, one of my friendship group is really fat and gets fatter each year. I think we all feel concern she’s ruining her health but not one of us ever brings it up. What we do, though, is talk about her size behind her back. That’s probably much worse than being brave enough to say something to her face.