Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

OP, imagine if it had not been your weight, but alcohol or drug addiction affecting your appearance. Would you feel the same outrage if your friend expressed concern or sent you links to websites or self-help groups?

I’m very sorry for your loss. Given the circumstances I want to phrase this as gently as possible: it clearly came from a place of love, and I understand wanting to do anything to prevent your mum from dying, but yes you were being rude. I expect your mum knew it was because you loved her though, and between parents and children more bluntness is often expected. It’s not the same as doing it by text to a friend having just seen them for the first time in years though.

Not rude at all, what a dreadful thing to say. There is far too much tippy toeing around being fat. And I say that as someone who has doubled in weight. Having been very slender, and now morbidly obese, I can waddle along in blissful self-denial as much as I like, but seeing myself in a shop window, or someone telling me I must lose weight, means that I have to face up to the fact that I am destroying myself by overeating. And that I look like Tweedledum and Tweedledee because of the choices I continue to make.

Exactly. It's like a messed up power play. Give us this one and there'll be something else to pick on next time she sees you. So transparent. Can't believe posters on here think this is a genuine approach.

Honestly I had thought that too but then talked myself out of that notion as thought to myself, surely she wouldn't do that?
I still don't like to think that but I've seen a few people on here suggest that too.

Hurt people hurt people and all that.

Again, it's not the fact that I'm overweight and have to lose weight that's upsetting - I've known this for years and I do try - it's the way she went about saying it to me that hurt me x

Haven't read the full thread. I would have been crushed if one of my friends had said this to me when I was overweight. Everybody's different, and I fully accept that some fat people would be grateful for the 'concern', but for me I would have been mortified and would have found it so hard for the friendship to go back to normal, like you OP.

When I was fat I spent the whole time trying to disguise how I felt - not disguise what I looked like, as I knew there was nothing I could do to stop people seeing that I was fat - but I never talked about it, alluded to it, or drew attention to it, in any way, ever, because I felt so ashamed and humiliated about it. If ever one of my other friends talked about their weight, I would just be breezy and quickly change the subject in case said friend suddenly started asking me questions about it.

I avoided photos, get togethers, parties, holidays, anything where someone might snap a photo that might end up on social media, so people I used to go to school with or work with could see how much weight I'd put on. I turned down so many things I actually wanted to do, for this one sole reason. I know this is extreme but I also know I'm not the only one, and the shame I carried (still do, even though I'm four stone lighter now) was all-encompassing.

If a friend mentioned it in a 'well-meaning' way (this has happened to me, but years ago) it would be hideous because it's not just the thought that they've been secretly eyeing you up and down, looking at the size of your batwings or your triple chins - but that they've brought something out into the open that is your deepest, most painful and most humiliating 'sore point' - so sore that you can't even discuss it - and suddenly you're just supposed to say, oh thanks for that - yes what a good point you make, I'll take a look at your recipes?

In reality you're cringing beyond belief inside, wanting the world to swallow you up. You play their words over and over, feeling more and more embarrassed by the minute. Years, decades of self-loathing rises to the surface. And it's suddenly as if someone is saying yes, you should be self-loathing - look at the state of you!

Of course, I can intellectually understand that the friend doesn't necessarily want you to feel wretched, but that is the outcome nevertheless.

And I do think it's different to telling someone that you're concerned about their drinking, smoking, gambling whatever. Those things are just not the same as weight - they don't impact your appearance in the same way, and you don't walk down the street as a gambler thinking everyone can see I'm a gambler and they are judging me for it and I feel so embarrassed. Existing in a public space doesn't come with the same level of shame.

Sorry for the rant. Obviously this is close to five decade's worth of angst tumbling out of my keyboard. But I'm with you, OP.

Why would this mean someone feels superior? I really don’t see that as what’s happened here. My mum tells me when I’m going off track and encourages me to think about my weight. We’re not always conscious of it. I appreciate it and take it as motivation.

I think the focus here should be on the fact that the way she's said it hurt you.
We all have our insecurities and things we'd like to change and friends know our weak spots. This makes me feel very suspicious of the 'concern'. Smacks of making her feel better about herself.
It would be interesting if you were candid with her about things she'd like to change about herself and sending her links about how she could improve. Let's face it, we all have areas we could 'concerned' about with others.

Yes. Just walk down an average UK high street and compare it with the average high street in Italy/France/Eastern Europe. Controversial but anything above a size 12 is usually fat. More of us being fat shouldn't deflect from the fact that those people are fat. We have lost sight of how a healthy body looks as a nation. All of this denial and lack of resilience is helping nobody. You can always spot the British/American tourists a mile off abroad.

Absolutely this. The UK population is very unhealthy. This shows up in lots of different metrics including BMI.

A size 16 dress size is overweight (or even obese if petite). Society has normalised a lot of unhealthy behaviours. It is sad to see.

Are you sure her intention was to hurt you? You said she apologised. Why isn’t that enough? Did something else occur during g that chat that made you u comfortable? Why do you think you can’t let go of it?

I don't know what support I can offer. Sis is an excellent cook and eats a very good diet. I think the issue is portion size.

We only see each other about twice a year as we live too far away from each other.

Thank you.
I would also say that I would rather have been rude and had an impact but my mum lived in a fantasy world about her weight. She also drank more than was healthy and I told her to cut that down too, but to no avail unfortunately.
I believe she would still be here if she'd taken my advice 30, 20, even ten years ago.
However, this story also illustrates that someone pointing out the bloody obvious rarely makes any difference. But, perhaps OP, when you've recovered, you'll consider your (ex) friend's advice and maybe you'll avoid the horrific fate my mum faced after a life time of doing nothing to address her obesity.

You've hit the nail on the head exactly x

Sorry, but what makes you think that I'm doing nothing to change it? I've said here numerous times that I do a lot of exercise and try to eat healthy - I've been losing weight.
I don't need to take her advice that I never asked for. I know what works best for me.

The stigma and shame that is placed on someone who put on weight is horrendous, sly looks, faux concerns, become normal, it is easy to see why questions about your friends weight gain is inappropriate, especially as the friend didn't ask for any advice.
OTOH if a friend was excessively drinking or smoking, I'd probably mention it lightly, but again I'd expect a bad reaction.

Oh OP you are in denial about the major health issue you have . Your joints will be suffering .
I was a size 18-20 last year and it had crept up on me. I lost nearly 4 stone and in retrospect I can’t believe how fat I had become and how I was fooling myself . I don’t think I would have thanked a friend who told me but I was blissfully ignorant and causing permanent harm to my health.
I wonder whether this friend was trying to do tough love .

Absolutely, I worry about bursting out of a size 12 as that pushes me into the obese range. So I can imagine you were very worried about that. This poor lady sounds like she’s struggling mentally. She definitely needs to lose a lot of weight and take it seriously rather than saying it’s not that bad. We all con ourselves, that’s why I do appreciate my mum telling me to get on it.

It isn’t faux concern, but maybe more appropriate for a family member to mention it, but I still maintain she’s trying to help.

Your friend is very unhappy op and she is projecting it on to you. Focus back on yourself, your achievements, your lovely friends and life. Step up your self care in ways that feel enjoyable to you. Massage or facial. Keeip up the self love and don’t see this friend again. She is toxic.

I really feel for you, OP. Your friend definitely handled it badly, whether her motivations were well-meaning or not. She shouldn't have said anything at all, and it would only be forgivable if she'd done it in a more sensitive and respectful way. Sending you links to slimming recipes and workouts is just... ugh.

I'm a size 16-18 and my BMI is in the level 2 obese category. I've been putting on weight for years and I obviously know I'm fat. But as many people on this thread know too well, it's not a simple as that, is it?! I'm turning 40 later this year and I decided on my 39th birthday that I wanted to lose weight for health reasons, but various factors meant that I didn't actually start dieting until 7 months later. You have to be in the right place mentally and it has to come from you.

It sounds as if you're doing brilliantly in terms of your wellbeing and exercise. Please try not to let this "friend's" comments get to you. Focus on connecting with people who make you feel good about yourself.

I'm not in denial about it? I've said multiple times that I'm aware of how I look and that I'm activity doing something about it, and have been for a while..

Where have you gotten that notion that I'm in denial?

Probably when you said this Op- “I'm active, strong, have no health issues, have quite a physical job.”

You are obese and that is a health issue.

I don’t think anyone mentioned it being about the way you look. You may appear beautiful - just as some thin people are. I think the point they are making is different.

I am active - I go to the gym frequently, attend a weekly dance class, swim occasionally

I am strong - I've done weight training since I was 17

I do have a physical job - I'm on my feet all day and do a lot of heavy lifting

And when I say I don't have any health issues, I'm clearly not talking about my weight. I don't have diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. That's not to say I couldn't have these issues in the future, which is why I'm actively doing something about it.

If you want to pick apart what I say and create your own narrative, that's up to you. Nowhere, have I denied being overweight.