Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

I think most people know they are overweight they don’t need someone else to point it out. Obviously some people don’t care.

I have 2 friends from school, one put photos of the other one Facebook in her swimsuit to ‘shame’ her into losing weight. She didn’t, she just blocked her. Friend knows she is overweight, but you can’t force someone.

Im in the middle of losing weight, someone pointing it out makes zero difference to me doing that. To be successful losing weight I have to do it for myself.

My MIL loved to point out everyone else’s weight because she was very slim. She was also the most unhealthy person I’ve ever known. She went on and on about how healthy she was though…

This is wonderfully written. I think it’s the best I’ve ever seen anyone explain the situation.

I don’t think any fat person has ever felt grateful for the concern of other people mentioning it though.

I don't think it is worth ending the friendship over. Apart from the fact it is not her business, she wasn't saying it to be nasty, she clearly is concerned about your health, and didn't raise it in person because she didn't want to be that direct. I think you are overreacting a bit. Maybe you should be a little more concerned about your weight/health? I don't know what you weigh so it is hard to know how reasonable/unreasonable she is being. I only say because i have had a lot of concern about mine and my health issues and lost a few stone which has helped.

YANBU. How incredibly insensitive. I would be deeply upsetting too and I don't think I could truly forgive her. I'm so sorry, OP.

Op, if you are also aware of the health risks and are doing something about it, I wonder what would have happened if your response to her had simply been a polite “thank you for your concern. I am also concerned and have been eating healthily and exercising to address this. Thank you for the suggestions. In the future however I would prefer not to discuss this issue with friends as it is quite sensitive for me.” Something like that.

I always find it is best to kill people with kindness and grace - and honesty. You probably wouldn’t feel as bad as you do now because you would be owning your feelings. There is nothing wrong with expressing vulnerability around weight issues. It is so difficult to deal with. I have lost gained lost gained lost the same 40 lbs my whole life. if it was easy we would all be thin.

Is she from a different culture to you? I’m British and it’s definitely not what I’d expect my British friends to say, but I have met people from different religions and cultures that are much more open and honest. I would be upset too.

However, I think you should try and re frame it in your head, that she is being honest and coming from a good place. She clearly wants the best for you, your health and fertility. That being said, I would explain to her that you’re upset by this unsolicited advice, and that if you want advice in the future you will ask.

in my experience, I’ve been very hurt by people saying things behind my back to other people, so at least she’s not doing that!

Let me get this straight...one woman, friends since school, posted a pic of your other mutual friend in a swimsuit on FB to 'shame her' into losing weight and she did this to knowingly to shame her?! 😵Fuck me...I'd be shamed into knowing and claiming to be friends with such a horrible, toxic woman. Really appalling and mean girl vibes, what a dreadful thing to do! She's never left the school playground has she.

I'm always torn in these situations. The sad reality is, she knows weight is a huge health factor, and even if you're fit and eat good foods, it's still a big health factor. Other things are also huge health factors such as smoking, excessive drinking, substance abuse tanning beds and refusing to use sunscreen, drink driving etc. I think if you'd been abusing substances or had taken up a 40 a day habit, most people would probably say that she was sensible in a single message saying "I am worried, please think about this". Unfortunately, weight is so tricky because it feels like a real identity and it feels so much more personal, the words fat or overweight aren't actual insults (or shouldnt be) they should be descriptors. You felt body shamed and judged but she wasn't necessarily seeing it that way, she likely was worried. Whether we all like it or not (and I've been overweight so i know how entertwined it is with feelings, shame, being judged) being overweight is very bad for us, and no amount of eating nutritious foods or being fit can completely eradicate that.
Having said all that, I'd never say it to a friend as I'm too cowardly and I'd know it would hurt their feelings, regardless of my intentions. Perhaps we should all feel brave enough because hurting someone's feelings might be something we need to do if it helps keep them healthier, alive for longer and feeling well. Possibly your friend was bravelt hurting your feelings as an intervention to open your eyes to something she sees as very detrimental to your health. Only you really know if that's her intention and if that is required for your health.

I think she meant well. She hadn’t seen you for years and you are now a size 20

that’s big and I say that as I was size 20 last year and lost weight as doc told me to for my health and hips. BMI was 38 and I was morbid obese

i was in denial now how big I had got and look back at pics now and think omfg
but that’s me

im just saying 20 is big. She’s your friend and concerned about you

yes she could have said it a better way but if she was usually a good supportive friend , this stings as you know what she said was true 💐

I posted something like this upthread, but I think I have changed my mind.

Your doctor advised you to lose weight. Perhaps the rest of us should leave it to the medical profession/weight loss experts and not take it on ourselves to be telling our friends when, how or why to lose weight.

What did you do, or what are you going to do, @LittleMermaidRose , what will you say or not say to her? Apologies if I missed it. I hope you update about how your decisions go (went). Been a month since OP's first post.

Tbh doctors always suggest losing weight if larger /high bmi

just many of us don’t go to the doctors if feeling ok

im heathy. No issues so don’t really see my doc

I had no diabetes - blood pressure was ok. No other medical issues. Just arthritis in hips and why he said lose weight

I’ve lost the weight. Hips still hurt as have arthritis so they will ache etc

plus I was fat. Size 20 Is fat. Obv depending on her height but I’m 5/7 and bmi was 38 !!!

Op says she is size 20. I don’t know her height but she obv is over 30 bmi making her obese if size 20

thats not being horrible. That’s the truth with bmi

im sure her friend meant it well. I hope @LittleMermaidRose has spoken to her friend since 💐

Agree.
Well written indeed.

I don't care what justification people come up with on MN, its extremely rude, ignorant and plain nasty to offer your unasked for opinion on the weight of another.

OP, I would be taking space and if she asks tell her.

You didn't ask her for her opinion.
She should keep her opinions to herself.

I never believe these opinions are well meaning.
I think she may well have been trying to take you down a notch.

Wow I hadn't realised it had been a month already!

After posting this thread, it did feel like a weight off my mind as I actually had people to talk to about it, so that was a positive outcome!

My feelings on my friend are still uncertain. I am still hurt by what she said and I don't think that will change anytime soon. I've taken a step back for the time being. I only respond to her messages a couple of times a week. I know it sounds silly, but I still feel embarrassed even when I message her.

I haven't brought up my feelings to her, I do feel like it's far too late for that now. However, if she ever does bring it up, I will absolutely tell her how it made me feel.

Thank you again everyone for all your replies x

If you aren’t messaging as much I wonder if she will ask you if you are ok etc and you can then say

Put her in the bin.

Playing devil's advocate here but she probably has said something because she really cares about you and wants to help ... my cousin and children's god mother was obese she died suddenly at 42 of a blood clot,which was very likely down to her size,I think often what if I would have done or said something or even gained some weight to lose with her she might still be here , instead her husband , children & our whole family miss her every day x

I am reading your comments op and I can see you’ve spiralled, some of your phrases, about being humiliated you ate pizza in front of her, how none of your growth matters, how you’ve no health issue etc, it’s becoming a little concerning to be honest. The truth is, and I say this as someone who was also obese, you will have health issues as a size 20, you just aren’t aware of them. Obesity is the biggest killer we have. The visceral fat round our organs, the pressure on our skeletons alone is a concern.

this is a life long friend, and as much as it is a very foolish person who makes a comment on someone’s weight, fat is the phrase no one ever accepts or wishes to hear, I am not sure she was judging or being malicious. And potentially you’re feelings on your weight are starting to cloud how you feel now about her saying something,

if you genuinely believe she was trying to humiliate you, sitting judging you etc, then break contact. If this is you’re lashing out and upset simply as you were told then you need to think through your Reaction. Everyone can see you and people will think it. As said, I’ve been there. The fact they say nothing or pay a compliment doesn’t change it. And yes it is emotionally very difficult to accept we are obese and others are thinking it.

so id try to think do you genuinely believe this woman was acting maliciously or is it possible you’ve got so big she was worried for you and thought you were close enough, she could say something. Are you shooting the messenger basically.

as said. It’s a foolish person who does it. She has made a huge error in judgment here, likely driven by concern, and she should never have said anything, you know you’re obese. The question is is it such a crime to tell you it’s unforgivable and it is taking you weeks or months to get over. Or did she have a point and tried to help and made a bad decision.