Friend's hurtful comments about my weight

[LittleMermaidRose]

I feel so embarrassed and don't know if I'm overreacting.
Back in May, my close childhood friend visited me from another country, we hadn't seen each other in person in nearly 7 years. We had a lovely time together and everything was great.

Until a month ago when out of the blue she messaged me saying, please don't be upset with her, but I need to join Weight Watchers and start working out. She's really concerned for my health and that she thinks if I went on a diet I would feel better about myself. She also said she thinks it would be difficult for me to become a mum. She sent me links to workout videos and weight watchers recipes.

I was totally blindsided. We hadn't discussed weight before so it was totally out of the blue and completely unwarranted.
I am a bigger girl but I do try to eat a healthy diet and I go to the gym 2/3 times a week and my weight yoyos due to various factors. She obviously thinks that I just sit around eating junk all day (which even if I did, that's none of her business!)

I feel so humiliated and judged. I never once mentioned my weight when she was here, said that I feel bad in my body or that I was struggling or anything. She also doesn't know that I'm currently trying for a baby, so that part really stung too.I feel like the whole time we were together, I was having a great time with my friend, while she was silently judging my body.

I told her it wasn't something I wanted to discuss and she was apologetic. But I feel like the friendship has changed now. What was once a safe space for me, is now destroyed.

I'm not sure what to do. I haven't spoke to her very much since she said it, not because I'm giving her the silent treatment or anything, but because I feel so uncomfortable now. I think she feels badly now but I'm finding it difficult to even open messages from her as I just don't want to speak to her. Her comments have lowered my self esteem and made me feel very anxious. It's been all I can think about.

I don't really know why I'm posting, I suppose just to get it off my chest and find out if anyone else has had any similar experiences? It could be a big overreaction on my part but that's just how I've been feeling x

Only you know if the friendship is worth continuing but if it is, I think you have to be honest about how much this has hurt you and why.
There could be a number of reasons why she’s said it (from a culture where they are blunt, no understanding of social norms, a spectacular lack of empathy, was hammered and sent a message) but just because there was no intention to hurt you doesn’t mean she didn’t.
IMO For the friendship to survive and more forward it’s crucial she understands, apologises unreservedly and STFU about weight. Don’t be fooled into thinking you are unreasonable here

I'd block her.
She had no right to assume that she was your saviour.
What a dick.

Totally agree. WTAF?!

As for the self esteem, the past year or so I've changed a lot as a person. I've made new friends, got a new job, pushed myself out my comfort zone, become a lot more confident. I've felt really good about myself for a change.

I suppose when she made those comments, it made me feel like none of my personal growth matters as long as I'm overweight.
Not particularly her fault, just how it left me feeling x

It doesn't sound like she was judging you. We notice when people are overweight, just like we notice the colour of their hair. It sounds like she has come at this from a place of concern for your health rather than a judgement on your looks. Being concerned for someone you care about when they are overweight is valid and she is right in that it can impact health and fertility. I wouldn't give up a close friendship over this.
The fact you didn't mention it maybe had her wondering if you had noticed yourself. I gained a lot of weight at one point and actually didn't realise how big I was at the time. I'd been living in leggings and tunics, it was only when I shopped for jeans that I realised I'd gone up several dress sizes so sometimes people don't realise they're overweight.

She was bothered enough about you to actually raise this with you. Mostly people don't. If you are over weight it's a fact - people can see it. Most people don't care enough about you to do this but they still notice if you're fat. Get over yourself.

I can't imagine a world in which I would think it was appropriate or my place to tell a friend she's fat and give unsolicited advice about weight loss. It's insane.

It's not a delicate subject that needs to be carefully broached it's a giant mind-your-own-sodding-business subject that needs no mention whatsoever.

I'm not surprised your hurt it is so crushingly insensitive.

100% bin her. What a nasty thing to say. How fucking DARE she?

Block and delete and ghost her...

Probably because it took her by surprise how big OP had become and she had to process how to say anything. It’s very difficult but it can also be a sign of a true friend. One who cares more about their friend’s well being than how they end up being perceived.

if someone I cared about was drinking way too much alcohol or taking drugs and it was evident their health was likely affected I would say something. Because sometimes that’s what it takes for someone to realise they need help with something.

OP how big are you? Were you making poor food choices a lot when friend was with you? Have you grown a lot bigger since they last saw you?

Honestly I’d find that deeply controlling and I’d think she was projecting her own insecurities about how people need to be to make her feel comfortable onto you

I am fat and I need to address it but life has gotten in the way for me and it has not been a priority until now. If a friend had dared to mention it the way your friend did I would not be impressed.

Concern troll. Anyone who genuinely wants to help you would first ask if you wanted help.Then they would ask questions before making sweeping statements. What you got was someone who thinks you should be less fat. Not healthier or happier, just conforming more to the approved aesthetic. All they deserve is a rocket.

Sorry you were hurt. It sounds like you’re on the road to better health already.

It’s difficult to tell if she was just being bitchy or genuinely cares about you and wants to help.

What she said is correct though. So I’m thinking she does care.

Maybe go back and tell her that it hurt you to read, but that youre all over your heath and well-being issues yourself so all good thanks.

Up to you if you stay pals. Shame to lose someone that cares because they told you the truth and you didnt like to hear it. Keep working on your health, sounds like you’re doing what’s best for you now.

She sounds like a real friend, OP.

This. Someone who loves you expressed concern because she cares. She doesn't think you sit around doing nothing and eating junk. She didn't say anything like that.

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Perhaps she can help you.

But don't throw away a friendship on a clumsy comment that came from a good place.

I think a lot of you are being harsh on the friend. I think it's coming from a place of concern, and I don't see it as rude.

Why is this different to someone telling a friend they're concerned about their; drinking, gambling, shopping, spending, debt etc etc. Being overweight is bad for our health.

Sometimes being honest is not seen as the right thing to be. It is up to you how you wish to proceed going forward. But it might be worth taking the time to self reflect, and get in the best shape that you can be, when ttc.

Well actually my thought was when she went home she had been showing her friends/ family pictures of her visit and they had commented on OP's weight. And that was what prompted her to message OP after this length of time. And that is a horrible thought.
I still feel if she was really concerned she would have tried to start a discussion at the time and to do it by message, after OP thought the visit had gone well, is downright nasty.

'Coming from a place of concern....?'

In other cultures (Korea for example) weight is talked about as a fact, as a health concern.

And at the end of the day it is a fact. And she is concerned about you.

I wouldn’t throw the friendship away.

Do you think that the person gaining weight doesn't notice? Do you think they never noticed old clothes not fitting anymore, their appearance changing in the mirror the different treatment they get from people?

Trust me, we know. We don't need other people telling us we got bigger. It's not something you can ignore. So a friend acting all "concerned" like we couldn't possibly have noticed is really insulting.

It also makes the friend look shallow.

The friend is also not OP´s doctor, so they should keep their nose out and keep their unsolicited opinions to themselves.

Oh come on. She said she was concerned that OP wouldn't be able to have kids because of her health - in what world is that an appropriate thing to say to someone? Would you think that was okay if it related to any other health condition? What about if the OP was really slim? Would it be okay to comment on her body, health, reproductive abilities, eating habits etc then? You only think it's okay because it's about overweight, and you buy into the idea that overweight adults are stupid and need educating.

OP, MN is absolutely terrible for horrible moral and personal judgements about weight and weight loss. As you can read in these comments. Your friend may be a good friend in some ways, but launching an out of context verbal assault on your body and lifestyle was not good behaviour and I would encourage you, for your own sake, to not let it go. You don't have to stop being friends completely, if you don't want to, but she should be under no illusions that what she did was insulting, rude, patronising, and has broken your trust.

I'm pretty sure most of us here are not in Korea. And I have Korean friends who would never dream of being so rude to a British friend, because they are capable of understanding that cultures and expectations are different from country to country.

I had a friend do this to me once. And it really stung because again it was absolutely out of the blue. However, when I stepped back and looked at it objectively, it was really her projecting her own insecurities/health anxiety/stereotypes and myths around obesity onto me.

I disagree with the pp who said people need to be told, I think the vast majority of overweight people know they're overweight and know what their diet looks like because they own mirrors, they wear clothes they have to shop for and they purchase what they eat. So while there may be nuances around amounts etc, most people don't need it spelt out in this way.

Personally, I think you should tell her for the sake of the friendship and so you can have some closure. This is also about putting a safe boundary in place for yourself so you know she isn't going to blindside you with this again.

I'd tell her that you are raising this because you care about her and the friendship and this is sitting uncomfortably with you so you need her to understand that her unsolicited comments about your weight were hurtful and shaming, that you are aware of your weight but you don't owe her or anyone else an explanation of your diet or exercise. I'd say that her comments around fertility were completely inappropriate and hurtful and that your fertility, along with any other health related issue you may have is not up for discussion. I would say that while she probably has good intentions, she handled this badly and insensitively and in future you'd appreciate it if she didn't make any comments on this topic.

It sounds like you've been doing great at working on yourself op and just because she has made stupid comments doesn't mean that progress or effort was all for naught.

I do think it would be good to reflect on whether or not she's the type of friend who is happy when you're doing well or if she likes being the one who's doing 'better'.

She is a good friend and her intentions were good. She wanted to help you. It's okay to reply, no thanks I'm not interested. I'm sure she thought she was helping you from a health perspective. Have you put on alot more weight since she's seen you last? It may have surprised her and she's been thinking of a way to broach the topic with you.i wouldn't throw away a good friend over this. Yes my pride would feel hurt at first but I'd know she meant well.

Yes obviously I’m not suggesting you or the OP is in Korea 🙄 Seeing things from multiple perspectives can sometimes be helpful.