Have I actually done anything wrong?

[muchpreferanimals]

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

Then LET HIM. Your focus should be your nephews and your SIL who have done nothing wrong ffs. Your brother is not a nice person and has been verbally abusive to you after you catered to him after he’s already behaved disgustingly. Hold a boundary and if he cuts you off then whatever.

Your brother is a bully.

IMO, your wrong doing sits squarely in having them round for a friendly little BBQ in the first place.

Your loyalties are so off. Your 'D'B has thrown away a 20 year marriage by putting his dick in some entitled hoe bag and you just fling the doors open and shout WELCOME, have a hot dog!

Nope.

Don't be surprised if SIL distances herself from you now, too. And their kids, if old enough.

I wouldn't blame them at all.

Op, it sounds as if your brother is used to getting his own way in life and that includes with you as well. It was way too soon to have your brother and his mistress over but I can imagine you’ve put up with him taking advantage of you for years and even on this occasion, the BBQ, you let him get away with it because that’s how your programmed.

Id tell him that in hindsight the BBQ was a mistake and the situation with the family pics has only highlighted this, so going forward there won’t be anymore get together until a lot of water has gone under the bridge.

And as for your husbands stance on the pictures - I’d be worried by what it says about him and how you could be treated in future.

Buy some flowers and apologise to your sister in law, tell her you were caught on the hop, and that it won’t be happening again for a very long time. It’s not going to take long for your brother to rub her nose in the dirt with news of the BBQ and anything he wants to add to it by saying you all had a fabulous time. I feel for her very much, and your brothers a see you next Tuesday.

You agreed to meeting the new woman.

You invited her to your home and put on food and drinks for her (surely it should have been your brother inviting you to his to meet her).

And after all that effort (and expense) your brother had a go at you?!!

I would be going absolutely mad!

Tell your brother to stop being such a childish fucking twat and be a little bit more grateful of the effort you went to.

Tell him that until he’s ready to apologise to not speak to you again.

Why are you pandering to him so much?

I’m guessing you feel no loyalties towards SIL.

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up.

However I am no contact with my complete arsehole of a brother, so I would maybe not listen to me! 😂

This is extreme red flags for how your nephews are going to be treated by this pig of a man. Grow a fucking backbone and be more concerned with them and your SIL!

I would be prioritising the relationship with your SIL and nephew/ niece over that of your brother, even if that means losing the relationship with him. There has to be a point where loyalty and doing what is right trumps a blood relationship and imo you have gone beyond that. You shouldn’t have let him bring his girlfriend over, and that’s what I’d be tempted to say to him- “sorry for allowing her to come in the first place, that was poor judgment from me”.
Set a decent example for the kids. Your brother will creep back when his inevitably younger and attractive girlfriend moves on. Be honest with him- someone needs to be. Loyalty is not unconditional.

Well now you know the calibre of the new woman.

Can you talk to her directly? My BIL expected me to never contact ex-SIL again, and I explained that I would make my own choices and was perfectly capable of not mentioning the other in both cases.
I would find a way of saying you are perfectly capable of protecting two peoples privacy, but that you won’t be taking down the picture at present. Then say your first loyalty is to your brother and his children, and that you won’t be disrespecting their mother, [similarly if she has children with him and he then dumps her, you can promise to keep her picture up on the wall]

“muchpreferanimals · Today 10:30

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.”

Seems to me that your brother is getting plenty of what he wants at the moment. It’s not just about him. He’s the wrongdoer here, along with the new woman, and yet he thinks everyone should be pandering to him. You’re adults now and yet you sound quite childlike in your post above.

Your brother sounds like a bully and a bit of a prick right now, to be frank. He’s caused the issue here by leaving his wife of 20 years. You’ve done nothing wrong. You shouldn’t all be acting like your SIL doesn’t exist. Why are you so scared of your brother? Why are you so afraid of losing the relationship when he’s clearly not behaving very well at the moment?

I really think you should stand your ground here even at the risk of him getting huffy. Your SIL and your nieces/nephews need your support right now far more than your brother does.

I'd reply something like "I totally understand. Let's meet in the pub until I've redecorated"

You can flower it up if you like, but I'd be clearly communicating "sorry, not sorry. You can control your own behaviour i.e meet somewhere where the pictures are not, but you can't insist that I take them down, certainly not by having a tantrum instead of talking to me more sensitively instead of like a bull in a china shop."

Gosh, you're both behaving shitty aren't you.

You’ve said you are very close to your SIL. If you take the photos down, his next demand will be that you have nothing more to do with your SIL. That may well be followed up by other demands to insert his new woman into the space your SIL holds in your affection. While I might feel I had to tolerate his decision I would not allow him to dictate how far and how quickly I did that.

Their explanation for their extreme reaction to the photographs makes little sense. She knew your SIL exists and shouldn’t be shocked to see pictures of her. What makes more sense is that their reaction comes from their guilt for the hurt they have caused which radiates to his wider family. It seems in order to validate what they have done they might be denying their guilt, which prevents them from having empathy for anyone else. If they believe they’ve done nothing wrong then everyone else should too and fall in line with how they want to play the situation.

If you take the photos down will you leave the gaps. That will just remind her of what had been there. Are they going to give you photos of them to replace the pictures you remove? How much are you going to allow him to dictate what you do in your own home?

As another OP has mentioned, if their relationship is that weak that they can’t cope with the photos or is so much fuelled by drama that they create this kind of conflict it may well soon burn itself out. If you drop your SIL you might find you’ve done so for what will turn out to be a string of flings. Or maybe even worse, you might have to face her if she allows him to go crawling back to her.

I think by inviting her at this stage you’ve done a lot so you deserve appreciation from him not bollocking.
I wouldn’t apologize because taking photos down wasn’t something anyone could process at such a short timeframe plus there were photos of your nephews and nieces so very natural. I would try to reason with him as much as possible. He can’t just magically cross out the last 20 years of his life.

His conscience is clearly bothering him. Much easier for him to ignore the pesky guilt of dumping his wife and kids if there is no photographic evidence of their existence. What a prize he is. He's lucky to have made it over the door.

You are not in the wrong at all. It’s your house and your pictures. If he didn’t like it, then he doesn’t have to come to yours and he can host a bbq next times.

I think the only thing you’ve done wrong in this situation is host this new girlfriend to begin with. The SIL has been in your life 20 years and you just cast her aside and welcome the woman her husband left her for into your home? Sometimes morals are more important than going along with things purely for the sake of keeping relations friendly.

Tbh if he's going to be this unreasonable then it'll be one thing after another demands wise

And, to be frank, you are basically deciding on which relationship to risk - the one with your rude brother or the one with your nephews who've unexpectedly had their world turned upside down.

You do realise that if you want to keep your nephews in your life, you have more chance of doing this by keeping on good terms with your DSiL than with your DB??

He clearly couldn’t give a crap about anyone else and is prepared to use them as ransom over ridiculous demands such as removing family photos immediately after he’s announced he’s cheating, leaving his wife of 20 years and breaking up his young family.

The absolutely temerity of the man (and the OW) is breathtaking.

You were going over and above having them over.
I was livid with my brother for a long long time for cheating on his wife and leaving her and their 2 kids (for a much younger co-worker 🙄) . There's no way I would have had either of them over.
I didn't even get on with his wife 🤣.

Red flag. His GF is trouble, or your brother is trying to cover up something else with tbe relationship. I’d bet money he has regrets already abd the problem with the photos is HIS problem.

My DGM still got all the wedding pictures up. My uncle divorced 25 years ago and my aunt 15 years ago.
At some point they were temporarily removed, when their new parters were introduced to the family (but only for a few hours, just whenever there was a special family diner) because there was some upset.
It’s been a few years since this, now they are all on permanent exhibition and no one cares, or at least they pretend, and my nan is happy.

Insensitive? He should have considered that when he was shagging someone behind his wife's back!

With all respect OP.

It’s your home and your family, photos come with that.

He showed you that he’s prioritising his new GF over anybody else.
Wouldn’t be surprised if the (bonkers) request came from him as it’s a very uncomfortable reminder of his behaviour.

Just like you I’m an adult and if anybody told me/demanded that I stopped seeing anybody I would tell them to go and swivel,family or not.

I have to obligation to accommodate anybody’s demands. I don’t have nasty/difficult people in my life through choice. I’d favour nice stranger over toxic relative