Have I actually done anything wrong?

[muchpreferanimals]

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

He is being ridiculous. His ex-wife is the mother of your nieces/nephews. She was part of your life for 29 years - the fact that he is no longer in a relationship with her is nothing to do with you and your relationship with SIL.

Do not apologise! Give him time to come to his senses and just be there to pick up the pieces once he realises what a 🐓 he has been.

My God.

I would be saying to my brother wtf.

How dare he. You were very welcoming and understanding. If he wanted the pics down, he should have said before.

And if he was my brother, I would say don't be such a fking a-hole to try to erase 20 years of family and kids.

No she hasnt. She has attempted to be a good sister in a very difficult situation for everyone.

Tell him he's had time to come to terms with his long relationship breaking up but this will take you longer to process and you'll decide when you're ready to remove the photos on your home.

He's a cock.

Do NOT remove those photos, ask your brother what’s more important, his sons being upset because all trace of their mother and their memories have been removed from your house or his crazy controlling new GF who’s insecure about the woman her asshole bf left his wife and kids for!!! Fuck keeping the peace, you’re way way waaaayyyyy too soft for your own good even meeting this woman so soon, she sounds batshit nuts if she’s whinging at your brother over photos of his ex wife in his sisters house!!! Omg why you so chill over this with him? The witch that happily went off with a married man is trying to dictate what photos you can and can’t have in your house!! Put your foot down, your nephews & SIL 100% should be more important to you than some blow in control freak!!

No, tell your brother to bugger off and stop being pathetic, his gf too.

I'd be telling him he was married for over 20 years. Your nieces and nephews are part of your family and so is the mother of them, since she's been in your life that long as well. He can't just decide that your long relationship with her ends just because he has decided to move on. I'd tell him you'd like to stay close to him and will get to know his new partner, but you will still be close to his children and former sister-in-law and offer your support to them as well. If he doesn't like it, I'd focus on supporting the sister-in-law myself. He can't just tell you to erase all memory of her because of decisions he's made.

I would tell him to fuck off and I’m not one that swears easily.

I would stand by my sister in law and nephews if I had to take a side.

Was there any gap between him
lean his wife and starting a new relationship? Sounds like your brother was having an affair. He’s being a dick moaning about the photos.

*leaving

As OP has stated in her original post that her brother left his wife for another women, he was obviously having an affair.

Would YOU be happy to have your brother's new girlfriend over after he walked out on his 20-year marriage a few weeks ago, and you are close to the devastated SIL.?
I certainly would not be meeting her for quite a long time.

Really there's no point in discussing this as the op won't be back

I can't help thinking that it might already look very strange to your sister in law that you invited this woman into your home and, to all intents and purposes, celebrated her arrival in your family's life. It wasn't just a case of your brother dropping by with her for a brief visit to introduce her to you and you not turning them away on the doorstep; you made a special invitation and turned it into a big deal. That's your first, rather big, mistake and if you genuinely are close to your sister in law I don't understand how you could have done that. The OW shows a worrying level of entitlement already and you have severely weakened your perceived position as support for your sister in law and their children.

Floatlikeafeather2 · Today 08:37
I can't help thinking that it might already look very strange to your sister in law that you invited this woman into your home and, to all intents and purposes, celebrated her arrival in your family's life. It wasn't just a case of your brother dropping by with her for a brief visit to introduce her to you and you not turning them away on the doorstep; you made a special invitation and turned it into a big deal. That's your first, rather big, mistake and if you genuinely are close to your sister in law I don't understand how you could have done that. The OW shows a worrying level of entitlement already and you have severely weakened your perceived position as support for your sister in law and their children.
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muchpreferanimals, I wondered that. The break up sounds a too recent for you to be getting up close and personal with brother's new squeeze. I don't suggest you shun her forever, marriages do break up, that's life, but making meeting her an 'event', formally inviting new woman over, was a bit OTT.

Brother was ridiculous to castigate you for having family photos in your hall which include the mother of his children. I doubt his girlfriend was upset, she probably just made an observation about the photos and he overreacted. Or is she possessive over him and wants to airbrush his wife from his history? Horrible thought. However he should know better. His attitude smacks of guilt but that's his problem.

Play it cool from now on.

When he breaks up with her he will come groveling back to you. He is the villian of this piece not you.

His poor wife is having to cope with all sorts of emotions and loss. The last thing she needs now is her wider family dumping her as well. Your support for her is vital.

Unless OP knew about the affair…

No I would not be happy, I would be quite disgusted tbh, but I probably would put my own feelings to one side for brothers sake as OP has done. I would probably tell him in private what an asshole he is though. The brothers new woman sounds like a piece of work though to be throwing a hissy fit about seeing pictures of the mother of his children in a family home 🙈 sounds like they have some growing up to do.

My guess is that the OP has given in and taken down the sil’s photos 😐

I tend to agree which is why she won’t be back. I don’t think she’s able to stand up to her shitty moral vacuum of a sibling, particularly after she felt she had to “put things right”. If you’re reading this OP, I’d be very wary about how this OW treats your nephews. I have experience of this sadly.

YOU are not risking your relationship by not apologising. HE is choosing to ruin your relationship by demanding an apology you shouldn’t have to give. Clearly state to him why you will not be taking the photos down and it’s his choice what he does with that.

No you have done NOTHING wrong. Your brother's one eyed snake is at work. In the the throes of new love. All the while his dumped family are to be erased.

He is quite pathetically falling for her quite manipulative and ott reaction. I am firmly on team tell him to fuck off and grow up.

I would keep the picture up. Your brother and his new girlfriend sound horrible.

Hello
i think this is obviously a real dilemma for you because you love your brother and want to maintain your relationship whilst maybe strongly disapproving of his behaviour. Most of our answers here have probably reflected your own dismay and upset at his behaviour. I think you know he’s being very unreasonable and that it would be cruel to your nephews and your SIL to remove these photos but one post really caught me off guard- someone mentioned coercive control ? He may have had an affair and he may be in the process of trying to erase your SIL from his life and/or he may be being controlled by his new GF ? No one knows what goes on in a marriage really - they may have been on the rocks for a long time ago or it may be the old cliché of affair but whatever, the thing to maybe do is to ask to see him on his own and to say you are worried about him and the SIL and nephews and that although it’s not your job to interfere or make it right you do want to help if he needs it. You want to be his sister but you will not be taking sides . That way you establish some form of bridge. He may then open up. It is indeed abnormal of new GF to be controlling the photo situation as the children would be very hurt also about their mother being so disrespected. You need to find out if it is actually her wishes the photos come down or if he is the controller? That’s crucial. Maybe your SIL could provide answers ? if GF is demanding this there is a chance that GF is going to do what controllers do and separate you and your brother because that way she has more control. She will do it with all his relationships- his children too. He may have behaved disgracefully and if that’s out of character then this could be why. It’s always worth the possibility of looking under the surface. Anyway it’s a way to gently open a dialogue. My advice is to not let this GF separate you from him because he is more liable to disappear and he may need help to see he is sacrificing more than just his marriage and has been a fool. It isn’t just men who control though rarer apparently with women but it exists. Just a thought. But yes … do not take the photos down - that’s abnormal and sit your husband down and explain to him why two wrongs don’t make a right . You have my sympathies.

It's your home, ergo, your rules. How dare he dictate to you what pictures you have on your walls. In your position, I would be reminding him of this salient fact and suggesting that if he wants to come round again with the newbie, that both of them accept you are not erasing the past 20 years of family life just because one or the other of them is a bit inappropriately 'sensitive'!