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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I actually done anything wrong?

374 replies

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 09:55

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

OP posts:
GRex · 29/07/2025 09:59

YANBU - the pictures are your memories. I would tell brother that if their relationship is currently so fragile that old photos cause an issue then perhaps it's time to slow it all down and focus on getting to know each other properly before deciding whether to continue or not.

Pinknotpurple · 29/07/2025 09:59

No you have not done anything wrong, he is an ungrateful brat.

If his new woman can't cope with family pictures I don't give this relationship longer than 6 months.

Ghostofallnightmares · 29/07/2025 10:00

Tell him to fuck off. You are already miles ahead of me in having her over. Neither of them get to dictate what decor is in your house.
Tell him to fuck off.

AutumnLover1989 · 29/07/2025 10:00

He's being ridiculous. He's probably having a go because deep down he's guilty and looking at you to blame.

stichguru · 29/07/2025 10:01

I don't think you have done anything wrong, but I imagine your brother's emotions are running high. Don't be angry with him unless you want to lose him as a brother.

Bluetoothpaste · 29/07/2025 10:02

AutumnLover1989 · 29/07/2025 10:00

He's being ridiculous. He's probably having a go because deep down he's guilty and looking at you to blame.

This.

I would not be apologising, nor erasing my SIL from the family history.

How is your poor SIL?

Meadowfinch · 29/07/2025 10:02

YANBU It is your house and your memories.

His new GF will have to develop a thicker skin if she wants to live with someone who has been married before. She can't simply erase twenty years of his past.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2025 10:03

Does you SIL know you’ve met the new woman?

StinkyCheeseMoose · 29/07/2025 10:03

Your brother and his girlfriend are being very unreasonable.

Your sister-in-law and their children have been part of your family for over 20 years. You shouldn't have to erase them just because your brother has left them for another woman.

Your brother's behaviour might be reasonable if your sister-in-law had done something terrible to make him leave her, but as your post mentions nothing of the kind, I am assuming this is not the case.

UrbanFan · 29/07/2025 10:05

Tell him to shut up. Your house, your memories. You have done nothing wrong. Unlike him.

StinkyCheeseMoose · 29/07/2025 10:06

Posted twice in error.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 29/07/2025 10:06

Honestly, I wouldn't have had the OW over to my house full stop.

Why on earth should you erase all trace of your SIL - the mother of your nieces/nephews - when she has done nothing wrong?

I would be telling your brother to fuck off if I were you, and pointing out that, if he and the OW feel guilty when they see pictures of your SIL as part of the wider family, that's entirely on them.

pontipinemum · 29/07/2025 10:07

No you didn't do anything wrong. He is way over reacting. Are you still on friendly terms with your SIL? Do you want to maintain that relationship to a degree, if so I'd let her know you had your brother over

Ponoka7 · 29/07/2025 10:07

Next time if you've got a spare day I'd be asking SIL if she needs you to take the children. Tbh, if I was close to her, I wouldn't have been socialising with the other woman so soon. I'd be focusing on my DNs.

Mewling · 29/07/2025 10:07

You haven’t don’t anything wrong. He will almost certainly try to police your relationship with exSIL going forward, so if you’d like to maintain a friendship with her you should make that clear to your DB now.

DaisyChain505 · 29/07/2025 10:07

Just because your brother has decided to walk away from his wife doesn’t mean you have to.

Set boundaries now before he spirals.

Let him know it’s his decision to leave his marriage and you’ll support whatever he decides but his wife is still the mother of your nieces/nephews, is your sister in law and has been in your family for 20+ years.

Let hin know you’re happy to support his new relationship but he doesn’t get to dictate your relationship with your sister in law or erase her.

He should ask himself what his children would feel when visiting your house if suddenly all photos of their mum were removed.

His new girlfriend has to be ok with the fact that he was married for a long time and has a family.

Givemestrengthanddetermination · 29/07/2025 10:08

Quite honestly OP if he only left his wife a few weeks ago and was presumably having an affair with this new woman I wouldn't have had her in the house in the first place.

You've known his wife 20 years or more and she must be devastated. For you to accept this OW into your home so soon is another stab in the back for her.

I'd tell my brother I don't want to be involved in his relationship and he can get on with his life as he thinks fit.

ViaRia01 · 29/07/2025 10:08

Ask him what he thinks his children might think next time they visit your house to find all the photos of their mother have been removed and then if/ when new photos of your brother and his girlfriend start appearing (as they might do naturally in due course).

He is being unreasonable. His girlfriend also should be making an effort fit into his family life which includes his sister (and your good relationship with your SIL), his children (and their feelings/ wishes) and his ex wife, as they share children and so she exists in the family whether or not new girlfriend likes it!

Springadorable · 29/07/2025 10:10

The only thing you did wrong was letting her in your house. They should be grateful you even met them after their appalling behaviour.

Renamed · 29/07/2025 10:10

Good Christ he can get to fuck. That’s the mother of his children, of your nieces and nephews. His new squeeze must be incredibly immature if she was not prepared to see family pictures like these.

Original poster
muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:11

stichguru · 29/07/2025 10:01

I don't think you have done anything wrong, but I imagine your brother's emotions are running high. Don't be angry with him unless you want to lose him as a brother.

I don’t want to apologise but if it came to it I think he’d definitely stand by his new relationship.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 29/07/2025 10:14

Tell him to put a sock in it. What pictures you have up around your house are none of his business, or his sleazy other woman.

They are both showing their sense of insecurity here. It might well mean that the relationship doesn't last and then he will be on his merry way with the next one.

persisted · 29/07/2025 10:14

As its not his house and he's not your boss he can get lost.

You have a relationship with SIL and DN's that is independent of his relationship with them, and frankly none of his business now. As you're making an effort she can surely get over herself.

Imbusytodaysorry · 29/07/2025 10:15

@muchpreferanimals where do the kids come into this ?
I think you have done more than most would by allowing the women over . Maybe she shouldn’t have got with long term married man.

Id be well pissed if I was the wife or kids.
I can’t believe the worry is a few pictures she was snooping at

Dozer · 29/07/2025 10:16

If my sibling behaved like this and I was close to their spouse I’d not rush to host sibling and affair partner for a BBQ at my house!

Why haven’t you told your brother he’s been a dick to have an affair, spring this on you and invite himself and OW, then say that to you?

Hosting them so soon after finding out was disrespectful and unkind to your SIL.