Have I actually done anything wrong?

[muchpreferanimals]

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

You have done nothing wrong, OP. The new girlfriend is being a prissy little trouble-maker. Don't take the photos down - they are significant to you, to your nieces and nephews... oh, and it's your house!

You have not done anything wrong. He is the one who has done wrong. How are you going to navigate being in contact with your SIL too?

I made it clear to my DB’S both of them when they left their wife’s that I support them but my SIl’s are part of mine and my children’s life’s and I can’t turn my back on them. That was over 10 and 15 years ago. One brother returned to his wife and whereas it did damage my relationship with him for a few months it was soon got over. My other brother stayed split and eventually moved on, I’m still close to my SIL and to my new SIL.

the relationship/friendship you have with your SIL is different to the one you have with your brother or new partner and he needs to respect that,

I regularly have my nephews over and they have a lot of adjusting to do as it is.
My SIL is obviously upset and coming to terms with everything while being strong for the boys.
It will look very strange to her and them to see any trace of her removed like she’s nothing.

This.

And if I was the SIL that you ‘are very close to’ I’d have nothing more to do with you.

YABVVU to have the OW over for a BBQ so soon after the split.

He would like you to apologise and pretend for his new girlfriend that his wife and the mother of your neices and nephews never existed?

I wouldn't be taking part in this shitshow for a second, tell him to ring you when he's managed to fish his brain back out from his underwear.

You've done nothing wrong. He's ditched his wife and children for another woman and you were open minded enough to host both of them which is more than I would have done. Tell him to do one but also ask him how he thinks his girlfriend will treat his children is she can't cope with photographic evidence that he had a family before they got together.

Keep the pictures up and dump your brother.

The cheek of them to do the dirty and then try and make you feel bad

Don't have them over for a long time to come. Support sil

That new fling won't be around for long

So don't do it.

Tell your brother that you will be prioritising the feelings of your nephews over and above those of his new girlfriend, because they are innocent parties in this and do not deserve to be upset any more than they already have been.

If he can't accept that, do you really want him in your life?

I think you were wrong to entertain your brother and his affair partner weeks after he left his wife and children.
I think your brother was wrong to ask you to meet his affair partner weeks after he left his wife and children.
I think his affair partner has a brass neck coming to your house weeks after your brother left his wife and children for her.

As for the pictures, I'd be telling your brother and his affair partner to fuck off.

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.

I would be standing by sister in law in regards to photos. Just because he wants to erase someone he spent 20 years with and had kids with doesn’t mean you have to.
Think of your nephews when they come and visit and photos that have been there for years are suddenly gone. Don’t erase their mum like that. They all deserve a lot more respect than your brother is giving them.

I think it was good of you to have them over to be honest I would be waiting a long time before inviting them both over.

Best post so far. Balanced, calm, factual.

Wow what a dick.
I'd be team stbx-SIL!

I am sorry to say this but your brother is a wanker. His poor wife and children. If he is treating you like this, imagine how he treated them.

I am absolutely staggered that your DH seems to think you should be bending over backwards to comply with your brother's unreasonable request and that you are actually questioning whether you have done anything wrong.

Frankly I would have given him both barrels and told him he was lucky you agreed to see the new woman at all so soon after the split. I know you probably don't want to lose contact with your brother but he sounds like he is behaving like a bit of an arse.

I think I would respond that you have decided you will not be removing any photographs in your house as you still have a relationship with SIL and his children. He and his new GF can like it or lump it.

It's not you that's causing issues. I'd stand firm on this, let him do what he needs to do and if that's blow his life up and ruin relationships with his family, that's on him.

So you’re going to capitulate to him? Your poor SIL.

My thoughts exactly.

i think I’d have put the kibosh on any sort of friendly family bbq weeks after he’s left his wife and kids.

My PIL still have photos of my DH and his ex-wife up on their walls and we’ve been married for 3 years and together for nearly a decade. I would never ask them to take them down - she is the mother of their grandson in the same way that you are the aunt to your DNs - it’s irrelevant that she is no longer married to DH.

Exactly this. His new GF can’t be that sensitive otherwise she would have avoided a married man like the plague. I’m not sure how to handle your brother but he’s looking to heap his anger and guilt on someone and it looks like that person could be you if you’re not careful. How is your SIL and their children?

Is this new woman going to kick off every time his kids mention their Mam?! Fuck me I lived with that and it was bloody hideous.

Your brother needs to back off and get his own shit in order before barking angry demands at you.

You can't 'make things right' by erasing the mother of your nephews from your history and future. Or does he expect you to erase his son's as well?
His new woman will have to live with the fact he has children and an ex at least until the boys are out of education or will he erase them after that?

Have you always had trouble standing up to your brother?

‘Make things right’.

That means putting innocent young children first. PP was correct to ask how they would feel if the photos were taken down. Tell DB, when he is calmer, that you want to support him as a brother and as a father.