Have I actually done anything wrong?

[muchpreferanimals]

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

How fucking cheeky to have an affair then be offended by a photo of the wife in a family member’s home. Your h’s advice is terrible. If you take the photos down then you ruin not only the memory of the day in the photo but your loving relationship with your nephews and ex SIL. The feelings of my nephews (and SIL) would trump the feelings of a cf.

Does SIL know that you had brother and his new woman over? I would not have invited her to yours so soon because I’d need time to catch up with it all. Your brother is such a walking cliche thinking that you should delete decades immediately just because he did. Based on the fact that you didn’t meet at his or a neutral location, I’m going to assume that he’s used to getting his way when it comes to you.

What? Your brother is a controlling, dishonest, unfaithful dickhead who has upended the lives of his wife and children and is now forcing his side piece into his family. He’ll probably try and force her on his kids aswell. This is all about his image. If it were my brother I’d be telling him exactly what I thought and to grow the fuck up. You have NOTHING to make right. I can’t believe what I’m reading here!

Letting her in your house so soon is the only thing I think you did wrong. Your brother is ridiculous, I'd prioritise your relationship with SIL and nephews over your relationship with him. If you pander to this request he'll think it's fine to behave like he has done.

It was 8 years after my dad cheated on my mum before I met his affair partner.

Given he only left his wife a few weeks ago I think he has an absolute cheek to ask you to remove pictures from you wall. My exHs first girlfriend after we split up also gave his whole family lots of shit over facebook pictures I was in. My ex said after she had lots of jealousy issue and he spent the time trying plicate her. The new relationship doesn't sound that good if there falling out about things like this.

You have done nothing wrong, your brother and his new girlfriend are 100% in the wrong.

If your dB new partner can't cope with pictures then how on earth is she going to cope with his kids especially when they talk about their mother or have pictures of her. The new partner sounds batshit.

Please do not under any circumstances apologise.

It might be different if you had deliberately put a photo of him and SIL close by where he was sitting, but that’s not what happened. Don’t pander to him - you have been extremely kind to him in inviting him and his new girlfriend to your house despite your close relationship with your SIL, and he is totally unreasonable to expect any more.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Your SIL has been part of your life and your family for 20 years and he cannot just wipe her out of history, however much he might want to. Presumably seeing the photos made him feel guilty and he can’t cope with that. Tough.

Your brother is an unbelievable arsehole. What an absolute joke. Your poor SIL.

I had a friend who took photos down, put new ones up...that relationship faltered...she had to do it again! Then she was brave and reached out to step grandchildren's Mum and made her own channel to keep them in her life. She had been SO distressed to lose them.

Your DB is blessed you hosted a visit...the rest and the reaction to family pictures is vile. Taking them down won't mean SIL isn't family by virtue of her long marriage and children. That's common decency

Your brother is a piece of work, leaving his wife and strong arming his sister into accepting the OW.

How can you bear to look at his pig face.

Calmly explain that sil is your nephews mum and your not upsetting the boys by taking down photos of their mum.

Id also try and massively limit contact with his gf if she is that insecure. He can't rewrite history and replace sil.

Of course you haven't done anything wrong. Your brother is an arsehole. He's already proven that by cheating on his wife of 20 years.

Just because your brother has ditched your SIL it doesn't mean you have to. Your relationship with her is your own. For what it's worth, I kept in touch with my SIL when she and my brother divorced and we're still good friends more than 20 years later. My mum was also close to her until she passed away. My brother didn't really like it at first (no cheating or OW involved) but he accepted it and got used to the idea that our relationship with SIL was nothing to do with him any more.

As a poster above said, is their relationship really that fragile that she's upset by an old photo? No way would I apologise if I was you. You already did more to welcome her than I would by hosting a BBQ. If he wants to fall out with his family because of his new shag, that's entirely on him.

Possibly you have - by inviting your brother for a cozy BBQ in your home. An hour in a coffee shop would have been a better arrangement. You are now being bullied by your brother.

I clicked on this thinking your AIBU was having dinner with the woman your brother has obviously had an affair with and left his wife and kids for.

So YABU for that alone. How disrespectful to the SIL you claim to get along with? Hosting his other woman so soon after. She must feel devastated and betrayed and there was no way I would have agreed to this.

Why are you not telling your brother what a dick he has been?

Why is everyone more worried about the new woman's feelings being hurt more than his wife and kids? I would be far more concerned that you have now lost the friendship of your SIL who you have known for years.

As for the photos (which are the least of your worries in this situation) you can have whatever photos you want on your own walls, he has no say, and she definitely doesn't.

Cover the pictures up with a very bright pink/yellow/red cloth during their next visit, so they draw absolutely no attention 😉

It sounds like you have an independent friendship with your SIL. He doesn't get to decide who you are friends with, or what your house looks like.

Your DH needs to grow a spine.

He has left his wife and children for another woman and he is bothered about you having a photo of his wife on the wall?

For the first time ever, words fail me.

Tell him to sod off! He might be able to move on quickly but it doesn’t mean that you should too! He’s being a knob.

I wouldn’t have had a man that has abandoned my nieces/ nephews over to my house, it’s disgusting quite frankly and I now wouldn’t be pandering to him.

And yes I’ve been in this situation and am low contact with my brother and still in touch with my former SIL and my niece and nephew (mothers are typically the gateway to the children and my family all prioritized a relationship with her and the innocent children). I’m more interested in what you’ve done to support her and the kids?

If you have reasons to think that your brother would reduce contact or stop seeing and speaking to to you or other members of your nuclear family should you not do as he demands, that’s just further reason that it isn’t in your or your nuclear family’s interests to concede to him.

Remember that you’re also at high risk of SIL reducing or ending her relationships with you, partly due to your choices in this situation so far.

Honestly, after reading the first couple of lines, I thought your AIBU was going to be “AIBU for having my DB over”

And I was really on the fence!

Your DB is an absolute wanker.

So he expects to go through life with no consequences to himself and everyone to bend over backwards for him?

I wonder what your DSiL has had to put up with over all these years if he can be so unreasonable to his own sister who has gone above and beyond for him.

I’m not sure I’d want a relationship with such an entitled adult. Has he always gotten his own way, golden child?

If SIL is nice I’d prioritise your relationships with her and your DNs.

OP, I still regularly see my ex-SIL - she was in my life for a very long time, and I'm not going to cut her out just because she and my brother are no longer together. Crucially, my brother has never asked me to. If she had done something awful to him I would have done, but otherwise, nope.

Your brother is behaving awfully here, and so is his girlfriend. He shouldn't even have been insisting you meet her so soon after the split. Insisting you play happy families with someone he was presumably having an affair with? Awful. And the absolute nerve of her to be upset that you've got pictures of SIL in your house - honestly, I wouldn't be having her back in my home again..

I can't imagine being the OW in this situation and expecting to walk into his family's home without seeing any trace of his former wife. That's a bit odd. It's not as though she doesn't realise he had a whole family life before her.

This with bells on:

“Dozer · Today 10:16

If my sibling behaved like this and I was close to their spouse I’d not rush to host sibling and affair partner for a BBQ at my house!
Why haven’t you told your brother he’s been a dick to have an affair, spring this on you and invite himself and OW, then say that to you?
Hosting them so soon after finding out was disrespectful and unkind to your SIL.”

You can’t undo the barbecue but I would not have been entertaining the new partner for a long time yet, no matter how close I was to my brother, unless I disliked my SIL and was glad the relationship was over. Definitely don’t get involved in taking down family photos. Your brother’s actions don’t entitle him to erase 20 years of history. Let your brother and the new woman experience some discomfort over what they’ve done. If she can’t deal with her married lover’s history, then she shouldn’t have gone fishing in that particular pond.