Have I actually done anything wrong?

[muchpreferanimals]

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

I think your brother is being pathetic.

He wants you to remove pictures of the mother of his children, your nephews mother that you have know for 20 years because his new gf is insecure? He is pathetic and so is she (the gf).

If she wants someone with no history then she needs to find someone with no history.

Fuck no. ‘Hey dickhead bro, you need to think of your children. This is very hard on them, and they are not going to come here and find their mum erased. You should realise that, you cannot undo the last 20 years so you never had the children. Good to see you and glad you had a nice time’

i only added the last because you want to stay in contact. If it were my brother I’d never have invited him around with her so soon.

Has your brother always been a bit of a knob? Pathetic his new gf is offended by the sight of her boyfriend’s wife. Presumably he had an affair as well?

@muchpreferanimals

Honestly I wouldn't have had them over to my house in the first place.

Imagine what your SIL must think about how quickly you've opened your home to the pair who've blown up her children's lives and caused long lasting pain.

If you take the pictures down it will hurt your DNs because they will see how quickly their mother can be erased. They will remember that long term.

Your brother has behaved appallingly and your DH needs to give his head a wobble.

From what he's said, your DH would be the kind to take your picture off the wall to appease a new girlfriend. Have a think about that.

He has lashed out at you in a stressful moment.
I’d get him to come over, alone, and talk to him about the common sense of the situation. He has been with his wife for 20 years and she is the mother of children that are part of your family. Whilst that is tricky for his new gf, she needs to accept that reality and get used to being confronted by his past because it isn’t going away.
You still have a relationship with your SIL and your DNs, and he can’t expect you to simply erase the 20+ year history you have with her too. Having said that, you will make an effort to start to create a relationship with his new woman and make her another part of your family. He can’t demand or expect more of you than that.

I would be replying - she is the mother of my nephews- I shall not be erasing her, how very dare you. Give your head a wobble and get your priorities straight. I will await your apology.

Then I'd slam the phone down.

You are seperate people @muchpreferanimals and he does not get to impose himself on you in that way. Remind him of that someone upthread wrote this and I would send him a version of it to address his behaviour towards you today.

Let him know it’s his decision to leave his marriage and you’ll support whatever he decides but his wife is still the mother of your nieces/nephews, is your sister in law and has been in your family for 20+ years.

Well lost people wouldn’t have had her in the house tbh. If it was my brother I would tell him to get fucked and grow up.

You can apologise for upsetting him, but not for your pictures. The GF must realise he had a happy life with his wife for at least a number of years, she can't expect him or everyone else to erase her from memory. And his children are surely going to be constantly mentioned one way or another and they obviously had a mother! Perhaps put the offending pictures in a less prominent position if they come to yours again, but really the GF is going to have to cope with the existence of his wife.

The only thing you have done wrong is hosting your piece of crap brother and his OW in your home when you describe yourself as close to your SiL. The poor woman, what a kick in the teeth from someone she probably considered family. It’s a shame more people don’t have more moral fibre in these situations and show loyalty to the betrayed partner.

I have to agree with this, he wouldn't be getting the time of day from me and I certainly wouldn't be hosting the other woman so soon...if at all. Your poor SiL

Soeak to DB and tell him that even setting aside his horrible behaviour towards his spouse and DC he’s being a shit to you telling you what pictures to have up in your home 5 minutes after he informed you of the break up, and to stop it immediately.

Sounds like you have at least 2 men in your life who have no moral compass or backbone.

Your brother who expects you to toe the line and do what he wants, and your wimpy husband who sounds pathetic and a "keep the peace at all costs for an easy life" person who should actually support you in keeping YOUR pictures up in YOUR house

edit: agree with PPs re your SIL, I would have nothing to do with you if I was her and found out you hosted the OW

a few weeks? I wouldn’t have had the scum bag brother and his new woman in my home full stop.

This is exactly how EA and controlling behaviour starts, the new partner starts using these excuses to separate their new partner from their family and friends.

Dont play along!

In terms of keeping good relationship with your brother it probably won't work anyway, the 'demands' from GF will keep ramping up, and it will damage your relationship with SIL and nephews.

I'd tell him there's no risk of her getting offended a second time because there won't be a second invite.

Your brother is a twat. I’d be distancing myself!!

Have you done anything wrong?

In a nutshell - NO!

Given the title of the thread, and the first few lines, I thought it was going to be about a rift developing between you and your SIL over your hosting DB and OW so quickly and readily. I can’t believe it is to do with photos!!!

I’m going to make huge assumptions here, so please do shoot me down in flames if I’m wrong at all.

You say your brother and his wife were married for 20+ years. I’m going to assume he’s in his forties then, possibly even early 50s. Given his new partner’s response to the pictures, I’m going to assume she’s significantly younger, because I can’t believe anybody of a similar age to he, with more expanded life experiences, would behave in such a fashion.

So, my assumption is this is the archetypal middle-age man ditches long-term wife for younger model, almost certainly as a result of some mid-life crisis.

As I say, please DO feel free to rebut the assumptions if I am wrong, but if I’m not, i give it six months tops.

AND KEEP THE PHOTOS UP (he may mean well, but your DH is being a bit of a dick about it too)

As a people pleaser myself I can understand why you had your brother and his mistress around for dinner because you felt you had no choice and with family loyalty he put you in a very awkward position which you felt you couldn't get out of.

They have shown their disrespect for you (let's not get into the disrespect he showed his wife and children) by commenting on photos of his family you have in your own home. If they were that touchy about your DB having a past, well, it just confirms just how immature and selfish they both are. Your reply should be 'I'm sorry you feel that way' about the photos etc but leave it at that. If this affects your relationship with him then that's on him. He cannot force you to include this new woman in your life. She is a stranger.

He has behaved badly, you've probably regretted having them around. You love your SIL and your Nephews, if you want to keep that relationship you need to tell her he brought her around for a BBQ because she'll find out and will be hurt that it didn't come from you.

There is no way I would have met her. That is really disrespectful to your SIL who is probably in a terrible state. He had no right to ask you to remove pictures and she certainly didn’t. I’d have zero respect for both of them. People who have affairs are desperate to be accepted and to brush over the horrific damage they cause. I’d be concentrating on supporting your SIL and not pandering to an insecure OW.

You have done nothing wrong. He ha sonly told you about all this a few weeks ago and is rushing it all. You do what you feel is is best. He has no reason to be mad with you, this is his doing.

SHE'S upset? Well, that's a bit rich!

Seriously, just have a word with your brother explaining that you are not going to ditch the 20 years of knowing your SIL, just because it doesn't quite suit his new set-up. He can deal with a few photos and if the new woman doesn't want to, that's her call. Surely she can't expect this to be easy for the family?

This 👆100%.

Please don't let your brother bully you into behaving in a way you are not happy with. Has he always been like this?

She has no issues sleeping with another woman’s husband but takes offence at a photo? You have to wonder what goes on in the mind of these people!

You are your DH sound a bit weak tbh OP. I have 4 brothers and wouldn’t accept this off any of them. The thing about being a people pleaser is you can’t please everyone - your actions will have likely really upset your SIL who you say you’re close to. Imagine a couple of weeks from now your DH’s family welcoming his affair partner?!

My brother wanted to leave his wife shortly after their second child was born ‘just cos’ and wanted to stay with me. No way would I facilitate him shitting on another woman….you need to stand up to your brother!