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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I actually done anything wrong?

374 replies

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 09:55

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

OP posts:
InBedBy10 · 29/07/2025 13:29

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:30

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. If he's willing to lose his relationship with his sister over this then you weren't that important to him anyway.

Honestly his audacity shocks me. Does he even realise what he's done (affair, destroying his kids family) is wrong? That the fact you were willing to have his bit on the side in your house so soon was hugely gracious of you. And now he's throwing his toys out of the pram because you haven't dumped his ex like he did. Also the new woman should be doing her best to get on with his family, instead she's causing problems from the very first meeting. This is a red flag OP and I suspect a sign of things to come from her.

Stand up for yourself OP. That doesn't mean being combative, just say im sorry you feel this way but ex sil is still part of life and I wont be dictated to over what I do in my home.

P.S your husband needs to grow a backbone.

PersephonePomegranate · 29/07/2025 13:30

It's his own shame and guilt talking here, you've done nothing wrong. If reminders of his wife and kids make him feel uncomfortable, maybe he should be brave enough to ask himself why. Im pretty sure its because he knows he's done a shitty thing. Same goes for the OW.

VelociraptorsVelociRapping · 29/07/2025 13:31

I hope he hasn't introduced this woman to your nephews.

1HappyTraveller · 29/07/2025 13:32

Your brother is being a d!ck.
His GF is also being a d!ck.
Your home, your rules.
Tell him the photos will be staying.
He doesn’t get to dictate any of this.
What a wanker!

Also your DH wanting to take photos down of someone who has been in your life for TWENTY YEARS because your ar$ehole brother decided to destroy his own family and throw a tantrum? He ought to give his head a wobble too!

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 29/07/2025 13:33

You’ve not done anything wrong and there is no reason to apologise. Presumably your brother has visited before and would have known the photos were there. If the new woman is so fragile, he should have anticipated and asked you to remove photos ahead of their visit. It clearly didn’t occur to him so he is making it out to be your fault. You were incredibly generous to agree to them visiting- and maybe you should remind him of that and all the issues he has caused his children - so he is no position to criticise anyone else.
Leave the photos up where they belong! They are your memories - not your brother’s.

Internaut · 29/07/2025 13:34

Unless your brother was with the OW for a long time before he split up with his wife, this relationship is a few months old as best. Realistically, is it going to be a long term one? The new woman already appears to be acting like a real prima donna.

I think I would just point out that your choice of photos is no-one's business but yours, and leave it at that. Even if your brother takes offence I suspect he'll be back when the current relationship splits up and he's feeling lonely.

BigDayForTheWomen · 29/07/2025 13:35

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:30

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.

My guess is that there are already cracks in his new relationship or this wouldn't have happened. It's unsurprisingly that your family are still be fond of your SIL and want to keep her pictures up. Whenever she meets his children they will be talking about their mum all the time.
For the sake of peace, you could say 'I'm sorry Jane was upset' and leave it there. Don't invite them round again for a while, but accept invitations from them if you want to. And don't take the photos down - your nieces and nephews will be upset.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 29/07/2025 13:36

Your brother is thinking with his dick. I think you went way further than most people by inviting them to your home so soon after a sudden break up. I'd have agreed to meet them somewhere neutral.

He is being entirely unreasonable telling you what you're allowed to display in your own home. It's not as if you showed her the family album.

Internaut · 29/07/2025 13:37

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

You didn't do anything wrong, so you would be lying if you admitted to it. All you did was to leave your normal room decorations in place. If it was such a problem, he could have phoned you beforehand and asked you to take the photos down temporarily.

JHound · 29/07/2025 13:37

Not only would I tell my brother to eff off I likely would not have met the other woman either. His ex was part of your life for 20 years. Just because he tossed her aside does not mean you have to.

Was in affair. I would tell my brother I need time.
And why on earth is the new girlfriend upset?

The NERVE!

Grohlette · 29/07/2025 13:38

My partner is divorced (before we got together) but I completely get that he had another family who the rest of the family knew. I wasn’t the cause of his divorce but I still feel like the outsider because they have so many family memories together and occasionally refer to his ex, and I completely respect that. It doesn’t matter to me and I get that everyone has a past including myself. So his new gf needs to get over that and so should he. There will always be this divide and the op will always find it hard to be loyal to her DB and ex SIL…sounds as it it’s all still very new. Maybe meeting on neutral ground would have been a better option

JHound · 29/07/2025 13:39

Pinknotpurple · 29/07/2025 09:59

No you have not done anything wrong, he is an ungrateful brat.

If his new woman can't cope with family pictures I don't give this relationship longer than 6 months.

My thoughts exactly.

Zanzara · 29/07/2025 13:40

Your thread evoked three thoughts in me OP, and particularly the third one.

  1. Did you do anything wrong? Yes, in my book you invited them round much too soon, and thoroughly disrespected your SIL, with whom you say you are close. You have some ground to make up there, and quickly.
  2. When my BIL got divorced, my MIL completely cut out his wife, previously her favourite DIL, despite everything being his fault. As another DIL I looked at that and I learned how little respect she had for us all. I never felt the same about her again. I'd be taking a good hard look at your brother and DH and learning some hard lessons about them. Are you frightened of them OP?
  3. Given the strength of your brother's reaction to the photos, I'd be asking myself some questions. After all, you only have the lying toe rag's word for it that the GF was the one who was upset about them. It seems to me an equally possible explanation would be that the photos in some way undermined the stories he's been telling the GF about the SIL, their marriage and the family, and she started asking questions about it afterwards. He could have lied to her, eg, about how long they'd been split up for, or said the family couldn't stand her, which the display of the photographs clearly proved was not the case. I'd be having a think about that. 🤔
Nanny0gg · 29/07/2025 13:42

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:11

I don’t want to apologise but if it came to it I think he’d definitely stand by his new relationship.

Show quote history

He's only just left his wife and children

He wouldn't have set foot in my house with the other woman

diddl · 29/07/2025 13:43

I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

What an absolute knob your brother is.

Was it the first time his gf realised he is married🙄

What's the term-cuntstruck?

Is she a bit younger than him by any chance?

skyeisthelimit · 29/07/2025 13:43

Op, you had him and OW round, which is more than most would.

he doesn't get to dictate what photos you hang in your house. She sounds completely immature and insecure and if she is issuing demands to him about this, then that shows you who she is.

I would not be apologising and I would not be inviting him round again. Give your support to SIL, who deserves it and needs it. He needs to face the consequences of his actions, and you do not need to all accept OW immediately as its too soon.

If he chucks a hissy fit, let him.

Nanny0gg · 29/07/2025 13:43

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:30

I met her because my brother wanted me to and as it is I think I risk losing my relationship with him now for causing issue if I don’t make things right.

And?

Marriages come to an end but he's left his children

CrispieCake · 29/07/2025 13:44

I'd tell him that you won't be taking down photos of your nephews' mother and if they can't cope with that, best if they don't come round.

JHound · 29/07/2025 13:45

Givemestrengthanddetermination · 29/07/2025 10:08

Quite honestly OP if he only left his wife a few weeks ago and was presumably having an affair with this new woman I wouldn't have had her in the house in the first place.

You've known his wife 20 years or more and she must be devastated. For you to accept this OW into your home so soon is another stab in the back for her.

I'd tell my brother I don't want to be involved in his relationship and he can get on with his life as he thinks fit.

Edited

This. Unless the wife was abusive or otherwise awful I would not have my brother’s affair partner in my house. I would struggle to have my brother in my home so soon.

Mirabai · 29/07/2025 13:46

It’s VU to demand you erase photos of the mother of your nephews to whom you are close.

His new squeeze has walked into a family and she will have to deal with it.

ManchesterLu · 29/07/2025 13:47

My partner's parents still have photos of his ex in family shots, and we've been together 8 years now.

Why should you have to take photos down? Fair enough you shouldn't have their wedding photo up or anything with just the two of them, but any other family occasion is fair game and it's your memories.

JHound · 29/07/2025 13:47

Also - if my husband responded the way yours did I would be side-eyeing him.

Coatsoff42 · 29/07/2025 13:50

He’s left his wife, which is between the two of them, but you still have a long standing relationship with your SIL as the mother of your nieces/nephews (I can’t remember what you said). I assume you’ve known her and been fond of her for 20 years. You’ll be seeing her at your neices/nephews birthdays or weddings or future christenings at least for years to come.

Its very high handed of him to introduce one partner into your life, ask you to accept and bond and spend time with this person for decades, then suddenly, with no notice, cut them out of your life. He must think you have no soul.

If he’s in the middle of a mid life crisis nervous break down, which is why he left her, chances are, he’ll regret it and crawl back later on.

Maray1967 · 29/07/2025 13:50

5foot5 · 29/07/2025 10:33

I am absolutely staggered that your DH seems to think you should be bending over backwards to comply with your brother's unreasonable request and that you are actually questioning whether you have done anything wrong.

Frankly I would have given him both barrels and told him he was lucky you agreed to see the new woman at all so soon after the split. I know you probably don't want to lose contact with your brother but he sounds like he is behaving like a bit of an arse.

I think I would respond that you have decided you will not be removing any photographs in your house as you still have a relationship with SIL and his children. He and his new GF can like it or lump it.

Yes, my view exactly. And yes, I would have bollocked my DB if he’d behaved like this.

PangolinsareCool · 29/07/2025 13:51

JHound · 29/07/2025 13:47

Also - if my husband responded the way yours did I would be side-eyeing him.

I was thinking exactly this.

It's a glimpse of how the husband would treat the OP if the roles were reversed.

That or maybe he knew about the affair before the OP did 🤔

It's very fishy that this is his first response to this unreasonable request.