Have I actually done anything wrong?

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A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

That’s a pair of guilty consciences trying to rewrite history and erase a 20 year relationship. If you bend to them now the demands will never stop. Rather than being ashamed of herself and trying to impress you, she’s throwing hissy fits and making demands of how you display things in your house to prioritise her. Nah.

Your brother sounds like a grade A shit so why are you so worried about his feelings? You have a relationship with your nephews and SiL outside him. Let him make a twat of himself if he chooses.

Let them go live lives mid life crisis dream in someone else’s house - they’ll be lucky to still be together by Christmas if this is her best, loved up behaviour.

Your DB is probably getting it in the ear from his new woman, she's feeling miffed so wants you to apologise to her, he's wrapped around her finger.

Don't let that be you.

Yes, the DH needs a bollocking as well. His attitude is appalling.

You don’t have to make anything “right”. You have done nothing wrong You graciously hosted his new girlfriend as a courtesy to him.

Dear DB, I will not be removing all signs of SIL from my life, she is still the mother of your children, they are suffering enough without having to see us remove all signs of their mother & pretend she doesn’t exist. I will always be gracious to any of your future partners, but I will not erase my past for them. I hope you can understand.

I wonder if she wants DN’s eradicated too as they are a reminder of her? How will she cope at future big birthdays, graduations, weddings of his children if she can’t bare to look at a photo of their mother?
she’s clearly very insecure & the relationship is unlikely to last. So stick to your boundaries, but be polite & gracious when you see her. Your DB should not expect more than that.

It will look very strange to her and them to see any trace of her removed like she’s nothing.

Honestly OP you come over as having not an ounce of understanding what your brothers actions will have wrought on his family. It won't seem " strange" to her that you have erased all traces of her and your brother's children from your home by taking down their pictures. She will feel hurt and upset and bewildered beyond measure that you are indeed treating her and his children like nothing. How could you even contemplate doing this to appease your cheating brother's affair partner?

Why you are so set on hurting your brother's wife of over 20 years and his children just to please this OW? Her request isn't even a rational one for heaven's sake.

Your attitude is inexplicable to me.

Yanbu at all regarding the pictures however if I was your nieces nephews or sil I’d feel quite betrayed that you’re playing happy family’s with new woman so soon after the split

It would be a very hurtful thing to do and I wouldn’t do it. If she can’t cope with pictures of the mother of his children I don’t hold out a lot of hope for their future.

My friend’s brother recently carried on like this. The new GF was everything, and we were all upset and shocked - I’ve known him all his life. Now he doesn’t even see his kids because the new GF is so sensitive and frankly immature that it’s become unworkable. His fault, though, to allow it. I see your brother as being in this mould OP. How dare he try and erase your SIL, the mother of his children. It’s actually disgusting, and pathetic of the new GF to not be able to cope with her existence when she was seemingly ok to be his wife for 20 years and raise his kids. No way would I be capitulating to these arseholes.

OP, you have had some nasty flak from people who have never been in your position but ‘know’ they wouldn’t have invited brother and OW to their house but I’d bet my people/family pleasing socks you were blindsided into the meeting. He’s your brother, you love him.

You might want to tell your s-i-l this and tell her in hindsight you wouldn’t have done it.Also, that not only your nephews but she is still a part of your life and will continue to be so.

You may still feel some loyalty to your brother but he really does seem to have shown himself as an idiot (is the term pussy whipped, I’m old and not sure….) driven by his new woman.

New woman will either have to come to terms with his past or drive him away from it and this may include you. Have a think which side of the fence you want to be.

Others have asked how old the new woman is and whether she was on the scene before the split. If the answers are much younger and yes then I’d put money on it not lasting or him cutting off all ties with his past.

I’m intrigued why your Husband thought you should take the photos down……did he know about the affair ?

What a fantastic post. I had not thought about the last one but what an astute observation.

You haven't done anything wrong, when I met my now partner I had photos up in my hall of myself with my ex and the kids, the only ones I took down were my wedding photos. My other half wasn't bothered in the slightest but my ex made his mother take down all her photos that had me in them even if they had the kids in aswell, so that his girlfriend, the one he had the affair with didn't get upset seeing happy pictures of us together. He deleted every picture of me off his Facebook even if the kids were in the photos. Some people are just odd. But this is the same women that bought him an entirely new wardrobe of clothes as he wasn't allowed to wear anything from his past.

I have three brothers and three uncles. I also have more than a few family members I cut off without a second thought

I absolutely know how I would react.

The problem is he's probably been shagging her for a long time so has had plenty of time to adjust to her, expecting you and your family to have her round, and remove all traces of your SIL from your property "a few weeks" after announcing his affair is absolutely batshit, incredibly selfish and I'm also amazed that you had her round, you should have met up somewhere. I'd be incredibly hurt if I was your SIL that you have welcomed her with open arms instead of being cautious, if you took my photos down as if I had never existed when I am the wronged party I would think you were just as bad as him.

If family photos in a relatives house triggers OW this much, then she 100% has issues with jealousy, and will no doubt be an awful stepmother, the relationship may not last long now they are a couple, or if it does she will be coercive and controlling, I wouldn't get invested in it and prepare yourself to pick up the pieces of this shitshow when they break up.

Your brother is a horrible horrible person to blame you for her being upset, but the only solution to his & her "problem" is to NEVER invite her round again.. that way she can't ever get offended by family photographs.. simple!

Let me guess? Your brother had an affair with this woman? Your brother is quite a bit older than the new GF? He's recently started going to the gym, bought new clothes etc?

He's now trying to re-write history and pretend that he's a shinier, newer version of himself? With the obligatory new, shiny GF? And he's pissed off that you didn't play along with his little midlife crisis fantasy?

He is touchy because, deep down, he knows he's behaved like an utter twat and suspects you will judge him. So, as attack is the best form of defense, he's decided to blame you for something/anything in order to shift the focus away from his own twatishness (if it wasn't the photos, he would have chosen something else to blame you for, trust me).

God men are so utterly predictable and mundane, it's tedious.

Good for you. A lot of people think they know how they would react in certain circumstances but do you have actual experience ?

If you are close to your SIL there is no way I would have hosted a BBQ for your DB and his new partner. No way! Show some solidarity to your SIL!

I would have said ‘Look David, you’ve made your decision to leave Clare and the kids and that’s your choice, but I don’t want to rock the boat and play happy families to you and your girlfriend just yet. It’s very raw. Maybe in time when things have settled down.

How DARE he!!!!

Seriously, how DARE he! I can’t believe you’re giving this petulant little man child time over this!

Your poor sister in law and nephews. They both sound like complete a’holes!

I wouldn’t have even met her so soon, my loyalty would lie with sis-in-law and her children) it will most likely run its course as it’s more than likely going to fail, than not.

Don’t apologise you’ve done nothing wrong. As their relationship progresses it might be nice to remove the ex a bit but ultimately she was apart of your lives for 20 years. The new girl needs to get a grip and stop controlling people and things

I may be reading too much into this. But is there some sort of power imbalance between you and your brother?

It is quite off for you to have a BBQ with OW weeks after them wrecking the family home.

Secondly - you seem to think its up to you to make things right...which it clearly isn't.

Something feels off.

Agree with @Over40Overdating completely, just because your DB and the OW want to justify their affair doesn't mean you have to rewrite the last 20 years. Frankly the OW sounds like trouble, her entitlement is going to be a problem unless you stand up to your DB.

I've absolutely been in the OPs situation so your assumption is wrong.

My brother was having an affair. My SIL phoned me sobbing that my brother had packed a bag and walked out. Kids were in bits.

My brother tried to bring the OW to my house and I told him flat that it would never be happening. That she would never be welcomed. She absolutely knew he had a wife and kids and didn't care. I told him he had behaved like a complete dick and I wouldn't support the pair of them.

He told me I was being judgemental, I told him he was being a shit dad to abandon his kids in such a dramatic and damaging way. People break up and get divorced but they don't do it in such a horrendous way. That I wasn't go to play happy families with them to validate their relationship.

They thought I was being unreasonable. I didn't care.

They split up 6 months later when he dumped her because it wasn't fun sneaking around anymore. He's been through a succession of GFs, many of whom he has cheated on. I'm done with him. He is a misogynistic idiot who thinks women are just like furniture in his life that can be rearranged.

I would never have done what the OP did and I'm sure the relationship with the SIL will be irreparable once she knows. It's a horrible betrayal.

I have plenty of experience of some outrageous family members and adhering to my moral code even when it caused a rift - yes.

You maybe a “people pleaser” but not all of us are.

For starters I would have found it impossible to be civil (as my brothers know from exes of theirs I have not liked and made that clear) so it would be better for all involved that they do not attend my house.

I wouldn't have had her over.

I know exactly how I would react. When my best friend (and DD's godmother) knowingly had a fling with a married man, with young children, I didn't speak to her for over 6 months. I only allowed our friendship to start up again after she'd left him.

When my eldest brother had an affair and wanted to stay with me, it was a hard no and I read him the Riot Act. I didn't particularly like my SIL but how she was treated by my DB was vile.

I refused to compromise my own integrity by condoning their utterly selfish behaviour. And neither did I want my DDs growing up assuming it was acceptable to act like their godmother and uncle.