Have I actually done anything wrong?

[muchpreferanimals]

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

You have done nothing wrong.
He and his GF can grow a pair and behave like adults.

He's being a prat, he needs to grow up.

And I say this is someone who (in the past) has been in the same position as the new GF. I would never have expected photos to be taken down.

They're being very silly and unreasonable.

"my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems."
I would be ripping my brother a new one for having the audacity to tell me who and who is not MY family! Because that is what he is doing here. He walked out on his wife and children, but you did not (and should not).

He walked out on his wife and children just a few weeks ago - when did he think you should have taken down your pictures of your family - the same day? That he thought he could parade his new squeeze to his sister shows a man not thinking straight at all.

Your brother is being ridiculous, and I would tell him so. But you sound very passive in all your posts, so I don't see that happening. You accepted him putting you into the difficult position of hosting him. You think you have to apologise to him to "make thing right". Your fear losing your relationship with your brother if you don't bow to his demand that you apologise.

Don't make a rod for your own back. Tell him you will not be apologising for having pictures of YOUR family in YOUR house, and you will not make HIS children uncomfortable by erasing their mother from YOUR house. Point out he should be grateful you accepted his new girlfriend into your house at all!

As others have said, this new relationship of his may be of limited duration. Do not damage your relationship with your nephews or your relationship with your sister-in-law just because your brother is in thrall to another woman. They need your support just now, not this man-child who has just thrown the grenade into their lives.

"Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace"
DH is wrong! And severely lacking in spine. Rather than bowing down to his BIL's demands he should be standing up for you.

Wow op no you've done nothing wrong in the pictures. I would not have had her over playing happy families after such a short time. I bet SIL would have been deeply upset if she knew this. I would probably be giving him a wide birth for awhile if hes cheated on his wife of 20 years and left your nieces / nephews in the lurch.

Agree. New gf getting upset isn't a good sign

Agree they’ve probably been together a while so it feels a good time to meet family in his eyes. While everyone else is still in shock

Wow, I’m copping out by stating every circumstance is different and you are accusing me (and OP) of having no moral compass? I can assure you my moral compass if fine thanks, some would say verging on the too moralistic.

I’m sure OP has looked very hard at the decision she made and in hindsight would probably not make the same decision again. However, she has come here for suggestions regarding her future actions; not to be berated for the past but on help in how to move forward.

Continually being told she did the wrong thig without practical measured suggestions on how to progress are not helpful.

Dont take the pictured down. If they come over again, and make a fuss when rgey see the pictures have it out with them .

Have you always put up with your brother’s unreasonable demands, OP? Sounds as if he’s used to you jumping to it when he issues a command. And he uses aggression to enforce your compliance.

He’s a bully. SIL and her DC are probably lucky he’s left them. Don’t let him control your relationship with them.

You’ve already been excessively generous, giving a barbecue for two people who have deeply hurt someone you like. Now he’s telling you what photos you’re allowed to display. I’d leave the photos where they are, and put him in his place.

I think your approach is wrong, as you seem to think mine is. But as I'm the one who has clearly been in this situation, then by your own logic I'm in a more informed position to judge.

We will have to agree to disagree.

Let's leave it there.

I agree, I think your approach is wrong.

You haven’t been in this situation. You may have been in a similar situation.

How do you know I haven’t been in a similar situation ?

Happy to leave it there because this side discussion isn’t helping OP.

This is a huge indicator of the type of father he's going to be after divorce. He's got poor moral character, shown by having an affair. He's objecting yo you having family photos of his kids in your home because they include his wife of 20 years. He has discarded her and he thinks you should to and if the kids are as reminder of her and his jealous affair partner has a tantrum, he'll discard them too.

Sorry, but your bro is rotten. Don't cave to a rotten man. Learn from him what not to do.

Your husband is giving you an idicator that he doesn't have much strength of character either. He should be supporting you over this control on your own home issue, not his cheating in law.

I'm glad you're happy to leave it alone now.

Your brother sounds downright nasty. How does he think his sons will like seeing their mother’s photos removed?

You have the moral high ground here, and he doesn’t like that.

Personally I would not take a single photo down at his behest, you can choose how pleasantly or otherwise you impart this information.

As for apologising…..ha!

How much has he added to your life over the years, separately to your sil and nephews?

Are you on ‘fuck off’ terns with your brother? If so, tell him to fuck off.

🤣😂👍

Get it printed on mugs with the wedding pictures on the other side and serve tea in them the next time they visit.

dare you 😂

Your brother is a cunt.

Tell him to get a grip.

If you apologise (you shouldn't) I would say, "I'm sorry it upset you" or "I'm sorry you felt I should erase all trace of my nephews' mother" (probably don't go with this one).

He left his family for another woman but you having pictures of family up in your home is insensitive? Woweee. Do not remove the pictures and do not apologise

Well, he can jog on. It's your house so you can have whatever you like in it, and you're not the one that's left their spouse and shacked up with a newer model. I don't believe it was the newer model with the problem; I think it's your brother.

How ridiculous! You have whatever pictures you want up in YOUR HOUSE

If they come over again I would stick post it notes over the photos but only if I really REALLY loved my brother

Do not take the pictures down, OP.

Seriously, don't do it.

Your DB is free to make his own choices. But he needs to understand that freedom of choice does not mean freedom from the consequences of your choices. He cannot reasonably expect to walk out on a 20+ year marraige and kids without having to endure any uncomfortable moments, awkwardness or upset. His GF, having presumably known he was leaving his wife and kids for her, is also wildly unreasonable to expect this.

Where does it end? Is all mention of your SIL to be banned? Will the entire extended family be told to remove all group photos with her in them? When his nephews meet his new DP are they to avoid all mention of their own Mum? Are you all seriously supposed to pretend that his 20+ year marraige never happened so that he and his GF can conveniently forget the fact that they've blown up someone else's life?

Your DB has a right to leave your SIL. He does not have a right to sever your relationship with her. She has been your family for a long time, she is the Mother of your beloved nephews. You are perfectly entitled to maintain a relationship with her, and this does not have to be a barrier to you getting to know his new GF as long as she and your DB are able to behave like grown ups.

Perhaps the most maddening part is that he has clearly given no thought to how your poor nephews would feel walking into their Aunt's house to find pictures of their Mum had been removed. Instead of thinking about apologising to your DB why aren't you furious with him for giving his own sons so little consideration?

I wouldn’t be playing happy families with my brother and girlfriend when he’s literally weeks ago walked out on his kids and wife. Maybe if they’re still together in 18mths time, then a BBQ or whatever, if it looks like it’s permanent, but for now I’d be telling him to jog on. Poor SIL and children, she’d most likely be very wounded if she finds out you’ve been hosting them. Odd decision to do so OP.