Page 12 | Have I actually done anything wrong?

DottieMoon · 29/07/2025 14:24

I think you're being a complete pushover. Are you scared of him?

I can't believe you agreed for him to being her over for a family barbecue when he just left SIL a few weeks beforehand. WTF is wrong with you let alone him! I'm not saying you'd never accept her and meet her but after just a few weeks later. Shameful. I think SIL is better off without you both.

PluckyChancer · 29/07/2025 14:27

Definitely do not apologise! I wouldn’t have invited him and the OW to a barbecue so you’re a lot more forgiving than I’d be.

PigletSanders · 29/07/2025 14:30

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 10:11

I don’t want to apologise but if it came to it I think he’d definitely stand by his new relationship.

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Over his own children? What a cunt.

MidnightMusing5 · 29/07/2025 14:31

If i was your SIL i would quite upset you let the OW round.

your brother is being unreasonable and I would tell my brother to eff the eff off if he don’t like it . He’s not the boss of you .

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/07/2025 14:34

How dare he !

It is him that has left his wife and children.

Now he wants to erase history.

grumpygrape · 29/07/2025 14:35

PangolinsareCool · 29/07/2025 14:17

I've absolutely been in the OPs situation so your assumption is wrong.

My brother was having an affair. My SIL phoned me sobbing that my brother had packed a bag and walked out. Kids were in bits.

My brother tried to bring the OW to my house and I told him flat that it would never be happening. That she would never be welcomed. She absolutely knew he had a wife and kids and didn't care. I told him he had behaved like a complete dick and I wouldn't support the pair of them.

He told me I was being judgemental, I told him he was being a shit dad to abandon his kids in such a dramatic and damaging way. People break up and get divorced but they don't do it in such a horrendous way. That I wasn't go to play happy families with them to validate their relationship.

They thought I was being unreasonable. I didn't care.

They split up 6 months later when he dumped her because it wasn't fun sneaking around anymore. He's been through a succession of GFs, many of whom he has cheated on. I'm done with him. He is a misogynistic idiot who thinks women are just like furniture in his life that can be rearranged.

I would never have done what the OP did and I'm sure the relationship with the SIL will be irreparable once she knows. It's a horrible betrayal.

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Thank you, you obviously do have experience but too many people/posters here and elsewhere are adamant they 'know' what they would do when certain circumstances happen.
Even given your experience, I would hope you would agree that every circumstance is different.
Some people are 'stronger' than others, some people have closer ties with other people, every circumstance is different and I don't think chastising OP is helpful in any way

Cinaferna · 29/07/2025 14:36

Just say, No, you have nothing to apologise for. Those are family photos that represent important people in your life and history, and his ex is one of them, No doubt some photos of new partner will be added over time, but he and his girlfriend do not get to dictate how you decorate your home.

ForUmberFinch · 29/07/2025 14:37

Ghostofallnightmares · 29/07/2025 10:00

Tell him to fuck off. You are already miles ahead of me in having her over. Neither of them get to dictate what decor is in your house.
Tell him to fuck off.

This. Your brother is being an absolute idiot. And sounds like the new girlfriend is equally stupid if a few photos upset her. Maybe she didn’t like being reminded of what she destroyed? She should have thought about that before engaging with a married man

grumpygrape · 29/07/2025 14:38

JHound · 29/07/2025 14:19

I have plenty of experience of some outrageous family members and adhering to my moral code even when it caused a rift - yes.

You maybe a “people pleaser” but not all of us are.

For starters I would have found it impossible to be civil (as my brothers know from exes of theirs I have not liked and made that clear) so it would be better for all involved that they do not attend my house.

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Exactly, we are all different and all have different experiences but I don't think chastising OP for her reactions is helpful to anyone

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/07/2025 14:40

hazelowens · 29/07/2025 14:02

You haven't done anything wrong, when I met my now partner I had photos up in my hall of myself with my ex and the kids, the only ones I took down were my wedding photos. My other half wasn't bothered in the slightest but my ex made his mother take down all her photos that had me in them even if they had the kids in aswell, so that his girlfriend, the one he had the affair with didn't get upset seeing happy pictures of us together. He deleted every picture of me off his Facebook even if the kids were in the photos. Some people are just odd. But this is the same women that bought him an entirely new wardrobe of clothes as he wasn't allowed to wear anything from his past.

Oh my goodness, ex-h’s OW did this. Replaced every last bit of clothing down to his pants. Even changed the aftershave he’d used for years. He smelt disgusting. He started turning up dressed like a country squire, couldn’t have been a bigger departure from his previous taste and then he wasn’t allowed to get his hair cut. He eventually turned into Wurzel Gummidge. Mind you, she was much older and very frumpy so 🤷🏻‍♀️

simpsonthecat · 29/07/2025 14:41

grumpygrape · 29/07/2025 14:38

Exactly, we are all different and all have different experiences but I don't think chastising OP for her reactions is helpful to anyone

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I think it's very helpful. To be very close (her words) to a SIL who she just then walks away from whilst entertaining the new woman in his life within 'a few weeks' ... after 20 years of marriage is worthy of chastisement. And then to be fixated on photographs...
What on earth was the OP thinking of.

grumpygrape · 29/07/2025 14:42

Arraminta · 29/07/2025 14:22

I know exactly how I would react. When my best friend (and DD's godmother) knowingly had a fling with a married man, with young children, I didn't speak to her for over 6 months. I only allowed our friendship to start up again after she'd left him.

When my eldest brother had an affair and wanted to stay with me, it was a hard no and I read him the Riot Act. I didn't particularly like my SIL but how she was treated by my DB was vile.

I refused to compromise my own integrity by condoning their utterly selfish behaviour. And neither did I want my DDs growing up assuming it was acceptable to act like their godmother and uncle.

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Thank you, as I have said above, all circumstances are different but describing what one has done in a similar circumstance is a country mile away from saying what people 'think' they would do. Also, chastising OP for what she did, particularly if blindsided, should have done, when she's asked for thoughts how to go forward are unproductive.

Hotdays · 29/07/2025 14:47

muchpreferanimals · 29/07/2025 09:55

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

YANBU and your brothers new gf should be adult and mature enough to understand this.

Namechange7282829 · 29/07/2025 14:48

Ridiculous behaviour from him. I have been on the other end of this when I went round to my now exes mums house for the first time and she still had pics on the wall of him and ex wife’s wedding day, as well as several family pics with ex wife in amongst the huge number of pictures they had up everywhere. It didn’t bother me in the slightest and I didn’t say a word. It was clear that the pictures had been up for a long time and likely forgotten about, and the ones of them on their wedding day did eventually disappear but not because of me and I certainly never expected her to remove all the pictures of 15 years of lovely holidays and days out of her family that the ex just so happened to be in. He’s being a big baby.

fourelementary · 29/07/2025 14:51

Has anyone else considered that the new GF may have been lied to about the recency of the split? Or the happiness of the marriage? And the photos are showing the brother out as the liar he is?

My ex husband got really annoyed when I popped in to see him at work (when we were still together) and he was with a colleague. Turned out the colleague was the OW who thought we were separated…

PangolinsareCool · 29/07/2025 14:52

grumpygrape · 29/07/2025 14:35

Thank you, you obviously do have experience but too many people/posters here and elsewhere are adamant they 'know' what they would do when certain circumstances happen.
Even given your experience, I would hope you would agree that every circumstance is different.
Some people are 'stronger' than others, some people have closer ties with other people, every circumstance is different and I don't think chastising OP is helpful in any way

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You can hope all you like but you'd be wrong.

Trying to say 'every circumstance is different' is a complete cop out of having any kind of moral compass.

I was very close to my brother but it didn't stop me from seeing how bad his behaviour was and putting my DNiece and Nephew first.

The children are the most important people in the family, not bending over backwards to accommodate badly behaved adults so their feelings don't get hurt.

I think showing the OP the reality of the decisions she is making and the long term impact they can have is very helpful and actually what is needed to navigate this situation. Especially given that the men in her life seem to be hell bent on gaslighting her.

cha04 · 29/07/2025 14:53

If you’re close to your SIL you should not have even entertained him and his new partner. That was what you did wrong

DobryWieczor · 29/07/2025 14:53

He sounds like a complete douchebag. First he cheats on his wife and then he and his new gf has the brass neck to be high and mighty. Tbh I’d prioritise your SIL and nephews and let him have his ridiculous tantrum

hazelowens · 29/07/2025 14:58

Yes, he isn't allowed to wear joop anymore as that was his smell with me, but it wasn't he was wearing it long before I met him. He gets haircuts that are meant for younger men in my opinion and it just makes him look like a try hard and he is wearing clothes that are meant for younger men. Hardly any of his friends talk to him because of her and him and his brother who he was very close to is now only talking to him via lawyers. She is isolating him bit by bit. He can't see it and when I tried to say to him I was worried about him I was told I was jealous. So I've given up now.

spoonbillstretford · 29/07/2025 15:03

I think I'd put some more photos out.

Maybe have t-shirts printed for next time.

outerspacepotato · 29/07/2025 15:05

If your bro and his affair partner are so insecure and guilty as to object to family photos displayed in your home, that's on them.

I'd let bro stew in his discomfort. He's trying to control you and that just wouldn't fly.

If he picks his affair partner over his kids, that says a lot about his character and that's no one I would care to have in my home. That's one of the most damaging things a parent can do to their child.

diddl · 29/07/2025 15:07

Why are some men like this?

Parading the ow around like a new toy?

Honestly some people who haven't cheated/left a marriage don't meet family mere weeks in!

What's the big rush?

Aquestiontoponder · 29/07/2025 15:09

Personally I'm surprised you invited them over, seen as you're so close to SIL. What an awful betrayal for her and the children, so soon after he's left.
He's an idiot and after lying, cheating and destroying his family he doesn't get to dictate what photos you have up.

ReadingTime · 29/07/2025 15:15

Your brother is being a twat. Don't pander to him. Focus on your nephews, and don't hurt them by disappearing them and their mum from your wall. They would definitely notice.

IfonlyIcouldthinkofaname · 29/07/2025 15:19

Omg how precious is she?! Everyone has a past. I wonder if she considered his wife's feelings at any stage...Hmm very much doubt it.

I would definitely not apologise (I assume she won't be apologising to his wife for the affair), nor would I remove any of the photos either...