To not want to move after saying I would??

[Tryingtobepatient001]

Morning Mumsnet community,

Would love a bit of advice or perspective here.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and in that time he's nearly always wanted to move to the US for work - his company's head office is there and for his career he is best to get promoted if he's there. They tried to move him in 2019 but the visa was rejected.

Fast forward 6 years and we're now married, have built a really nice life for ourselves and recently had a little boy. I've found it tougher than I thought I would and my friends and family have been massive support since husband has gone back to work.

Last week husband had his appraisal and was told they wanted to promote him and they could start the visa procedure. He told me this after his call and although they said he could take time to think about it, I'm pretty certain that he said yes we would be up for it. As soon as he told me I burst into tears as I realised I just don't want to move.

Here we have friends and my family, a gorgeous house and very comfortable lifestyle. If we move he will get a good payrise but I'm unsure if I'll work (can't for the first 6 months) - if I do it'll mean I'll have to put my LO into childcare and miss out on a lot due to long US work hours, but if I don't my life will be me and a one year old every day.

Husband doesn't seem to be able to see my perspective and said we've always said we would do this so I'm back tracking now. He also insinuated that if he knew I wouldn't go he wouldn't have married me/had a child. His career has always been really important to him and it's clear it's priority over what I want.

I don't know what to do. Husband is being pretty adamant that this is happening. So I either don't go and risk splitting up our family, or go and risk being really unhappy and lonely.

AiBU to change my mind on something now it's happening??

Your life situation has completely changed since the previous visa application was rejected. When do his work need to know by? Is give it a bit of time to cool off and so you can both talk about it with fresh minds.
Yanbu to have changed your mind. Although on the flip side, every family I've known whose moved abroad with work has loved it!

You couldn't pay me enough for me to start a life in the US right now

I think you've been really unreasonable. You knew this was his ambition and something he was working towards but you've suddenly done a massive U turn with 0 warning.

Take a breath. Think you are in panic mode just now. Witham fight or flight response..

What's the whole package like?

Location?
Is there an expat community in the area that you could tap in to?
Would it be a forever move or 2-3 years?
Any scope for family flying out for periods of time?
Could you use the no work period to add qualifications for yourself/retrain?

In the plus side it'll be sooooo much easier to do a move to USA with a toddler rather than an 10 year old.

YANBU to change your mind.

I would never want to be a trailing spouse or move anywhere from where I might not be able to legally return to the UK with the DC in the event of divorce. In my case I knew and told DH that before engagement and marriage.

Very few fathers do this for there wives. It’s huge personal risk for you.

If DH is doing well enough at work for his current company to pay for a stint in the US then he has skills that mean he can get other, good work in the UK.

My advice would be to go on holiday to the area you would be living in. See what the daily lifestyle is like, talk to the locals, see what is on offer in terms of community and groups for you and your LO. Think about what sort of thing you would love to do for the rest of your life. This could be an opportunity to retrain or learn a profitable creative skill - ideally imagine things you can do in any part of the world.

I understand your reluctance. It would be a huge upheaval and the US is one of the last places I would want to live. With that in mind, I wouldn't have married and had a child with a man who has always been clear that his aim is to move there. Sorry if that sounds harsh but this is what you signed up for and you have known for years that this is his goal. Of course you can stay behind if you really don't want to go but I understand why your husband would be upset if you did. Have you ever voiced any doubts to him before now?

It might be true that had you not wanted to do this before engagement he might not have married you, but it’s nasty of him to say it and doesn’t mean you’re unreasonable to have changed your mind on what’s a big thing.

Someone who says what he has said might well not agree to you leaving the US alone with the DC.

For me, it wasn’t about how fantastic the US or other places might be to live. It was about whether I could legally work and return to the UK with DC. Once I’d established the facts and risks on these things it was an obvious, hard no.

Tbh this is probably the easiest time for you to move. It’s so much harder when you have children settled in school.
Where in the USA is it?

Might be easy to move, not so easy for OP to get legal, paid work or return to the UK later with DC without her H’s permission

He needs some perspective about splitting up his family for a job.

I get he's sore because he would never had married and had kids, but he did, everyone acted in good faith: you didn't know you'd feel this way either until you had kids.

So if its a hard no from you, then it's a hard no. If he chooses to up amd leave, that's his choice.

More likely that of you compromise but neither of you change your mind then you will be looking at a situation where he travels and isn't home a lot.

I know it feels like the end of the world, but it isn't.

If you consider changing your mind, get solid legal advice. As an example, what happens if you go to try it out and have a child there with citizenship? Will he be able to effectively force your hand to stay because he refuses to let one or both of your kids to leave if he wants them to stay?

I can see why he's upset but you had no idea how things would pan out in the future and how you'd feel once you had a child.
Fwiw I don't think you're unreasonable - plans change, that's life! Bear in mind once you're in the US you will be unable to bring your child back to the UK to live without his permission, I would be very worried about getting stuck there in the future.

I'd be annoyed too if I were him, you knew what he wanted to do and that he wanted to move. Maybe you'll like the idea when you know a few more details

Whether you are unreasonable or not is irrelevant. I think if he's prepared to leave you if you won't uproot your whole life against your own preferences to let him follow his career goals, I'd consider this an insecure relationship. Therefore on that basis I would not move, because if you divorce out there he could prevent your child leaving, and if you then can't get a visa in your own right you could have to leave yourself, without your child. Nothing on earth would make me take the risk of losing my child.

I wouldn't move to the States right now.
Are you aware that if you go and the marriage fails, you won't be able to return home with your child.

And what are his goals for the future?

If he ever plans to return to the UK e.g. to care for elderly relatives or to jump up the career ladder, how does that affect his kids who, fairly quickly, will recognise America as home.

as kids, they will feel ripped away if they don't have a choice. As adults, they may choose to remain and then once again you have to decide about whether you want, or have the choice, about moving with your husband or whether you're legally allowed to stay in the same country as your kids, who may go on to have families of their own. It's not easy to be a granny from thousands of miles away.

Don't take your child to live in the US. If you split up while you're out there he will be able to prevent your child from coming back to the UK with you. Nothing is worth that risk.

The time to move was 6 years ago. Before you had a child you could have moved and if you didn't enjoy living there you could have returned by yourself. You no longer have that option. If you move there with your child you have to be OK with being stuck in the US for as long as your H wants his child to live there or the child becomes an adult. His focus is his career, not what is in the best interest of you as a family, so he will most likely not be the kind of person who would approve of you taking your child back to the UK to live on your own.

You saying you were OK with moving to the US years ago as a childfree person should not be held against you now. You have a child now, so you are a different person with different priorities. The US has a moron for a president, so it's a much more volatile country to move to.

It's a bit of derail, but could give me some examples of profitable creative skill you can do in any part of the world please?

I'm from "creative is for fun, but not a job" family, so maybe I'm just lacking imagination in this direction.

I’m American and British — grew up in the US and moved to UK as an adult. There is no way in hell I am ever moving back to the US. I think your husband is being delusional about how different and difficult it is to live there now. He is in for a huge cultural shock. You haven’t said where you would move or what kind of pay rise he’s talking about. The cost of living there, particularly healthcare is astronomical now compared with wages. My family who still live there talk about it all the time and they are relatively well off. I have multiple friends desperate to leave because of the political situation. I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to go.

Things have changed hugely in the US. The political situation there is awful, there is a lot of anti immigrant sentiment including against white Europeans, abortion is illegal in many places and women have died as a result. It's not the same country that you would have considered moving to even a few years ago. You're allowed to change your mind and you should not be forced or coerced or emotionally blackmailed into doing something you don't want to do especially in terms of leaving your support network.

I don’t blame you for feeling differently about it now but I rather think you’ve probably been burying your head in the sand about it. To have gone along for years with (what he believed to be!) a shared destination and goal to then have you shoot it down when it’s within reach would be pretty gutting for your husband. I wouldn’t go if I were you, but I also couldn’t blame DH for feeling blindsided and very upset.
FWIW I don’t think you’re being an all unreasonable to feel how you do, there’s no way I’d be uprooting my life and leaving everyone and everything behind/sacrificing familial relationships in favour of the US. Not a chance.

My advice from someone who has done it is to give it a go and if it doesn’t work out move back.I was in exactly the same position except my child was 3 weeks old when I made the move.Truly,I was dreading it but it was a great decision in the end.
If your husband is on a good salary here why not rent your house out? You will always have that to fall back on if it doesn’t work out.

@Lovelife85 It is far too risky for OP to do this as her H can keep their child in the US for as long as he wants to (or until the child is adult) if she does move there with him. Lots of people are trapped in various countries because of this.

@Lovelife85 weren't you the lucky one that your husband didn't leave you! If he had, and he refused to move back to the UK, you might have had to say goodbye to that 3 week old until they were an adult. If you'd been fortunate your child might have wanted to start up a relationship with a mother they barely knew once they turned 18. Fun!