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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to move after saying I would??

178 replies

Tryingtobepatient001 · 29/07/2025 08:12

Morning Mumsnet community,

Would love a bit of advice or perspective here.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and in that time he's nearly always wanted to move to the US for work - his company's head office is there and for his career he is best to get promoted if he's there. They tried to move him in 2019 but the visa was rejected.

Fast forward 6 years and we're now married, have built a really nice life for ourselves and recently had a little boy. I've found it tougher than I thought I would and my friends and family have been massive support since husband has gone back to work.

Last week husband had his appraisal and was told they wanted to promote him and they could start the visa procedure. He told me this after his call and although they said he could take time to think about it, I'm pretty certain that he said yes we would be up for it. As soon as he told me I burst into tears as I realised I just don't want to move.

Here we have friends and my family, a gorgeous house and very comfortable lifestyle. If we move he will get a good payrise but I'm unsure if I'll work (can't for the first 6 months) - if I do it'll mean I'll have to put my LO into childcare and miss out on a lot due to long US work hours, but if I don't my life will be me and a one year old every day.

Husband doesn't seem to be able to see my perspective and said we've always said we would do this so I'm back tracking now. He also insinuated that if he knew I wouldn't go he wouldn't have married me/had a child. His career has always been really important to him and it's clear it's priority over what I want.

I don't know what to do. Husband is being pretty adamant that this is happening. So I either don't go and risk splitting up our family, or go and risk being really unhappy and lonely.

AiBU to change my mind on something now it's happening??

OP posts:
EnidSpyton · 29/07/2025 09:13

You always knew this was his dream. Your DH has made that clear to you from day one. So I can see why he feels the way he does.

However, when the visa process was started before, you didn't have kids. Having a child has made you want to stay close to family and friends at this current point in time, and that's also completely understandable.

For your DH, this move will provide him with an immediate community and focus through his work. For you, however, things will be harder. You won't be able to work for a while, and it will take you time to make friends and build a support network. Your DH does need to appreciate this.

That being said, moving with a child at this age is actually a really good time to move. You are still at the stage where you're attending classes and activities with your child, and so you'll meet other parents through those. There will be an expat community if you're moving to a reasonably sized city, and that will also be a source of friends.

As someone who has lived and worked in the US, I found it a fantastic experience. I missed home, of course, but learning to navigate life elsewhere and understand a different culture is hugely enriching and helped shape who I am as a person today. I wouldn't have missed the experience for the world.

I visit the US a lot as I have friends all over the country, and the scare stories in the media are not an accurate reflection of what everyday life is like for most Americans. Middle class people like you and your DH on the whole have a very good quality of life. Yes the cost of living has gone up enormously in recent years but that's the same here. I've just been over in the States for a few weeks and I didn't find the prices much different to the UK for everyday living costs. The US is a hugely diverse and stunningly beautiful country and living there for a while could be a truly fantastic experience.

That being said, it does depend on where you will be living as to the quality of life you would have. You need to know what city and what state. Some cities/states are more conservative, more religious and so on than others.Life in the Bible Belt could be very challenging socially for someone who is not Christian and not a Trump supporter, for example. I would also be very wary about living in a state with a very hot climate year round, or one with very long and cold winters, or one with lots of hurricanes/tornadoes etc. You also need to think about the cost of living in those places, the quality of schools and so on. This all varies hugely.

Moreover, you need to understand the package your DH will have and how far that will go in the area you would be living. Most importantly, you need to know what the health insurance will cover - this is such a major expense and with a child, you could be paying out thousands every month. What looks like a great deal/package on paper will be much reduced when you factor in health insurance payments. You also need to know what your legal status will be and exactly when you would be allowed to work. You and your DH need to sit down and go through all of this together and be realistic about what life this will offer for you both and your child beyond just his job.

Your DH needs to understand that this is not just about him. You need to be able to have a good quality of life and you also need to be able to work and continue your own career. Your child also needs to grow up in a place where you feel he will be safe and surrounded by people who share your values. Together as a family this needs to work for all of you.

Another poster suggested going on holiday to the area before committing, and I agree that is an excellent idea. I would also agree a mutual time frame for the move, if it goes ahead. Would you commit to say, four years, and then at that point, your DH would agree to come back if you want to?

You also need to be very clear on what would happen if you break up. If you have another child in the US and your children become US citizens, then you will not be able to take them back to the UK with you if you divorce and your DH wants to stay in the US. You may therefore be stuck there until your children are 18. It sounds like your DH is quite a self-centred person. If there is any chance you feel this marriage won't last, I would be very wary of going with a child to a country where my right to be there was solely tied to my husband's visa.

You need to have a lot of big conversations before you make any decisions. It could end up being a great adventure but it could also be the biggest mistake of your life. Either way, your DH will be fine - so you need to ensure you protect yourself.

Beanie567 · 29/07/2025 09:16

You knew the entire time that this was the plan and you’ve completely blind sided him by suddenly, out of the blue, saying no. With absolutely no prior indication that you were going to suddenly extinguish his dreams. It’s not like you didn’t know, it was a joint plan for years and years - it seems really unfair that you expect him to just say ‘ok then’ and not even try to look at any other options!

Twinkylightsg · 29/07/2025 09:16

OP yanbu to feel the way you do. But yabu about this move. I feel sorry for your OH who has been honest from the start about something incredibly important to him and a goal he has been working for what seems to be near a decade to achieve to then have you start crying and saying you don't want to go. I'd be pretty royally pissed off with you to. He has been misled. How would you feel if he said he wanted kids but then after a decade said nah sorry.

Squarestones · 29/07/2025 09:18

A genuine question for the posters warning of not being able to leave again, does this apply even if the father is not a US citizen? (Op doesn't say he is)

I don't think you're being unreasonable to react how you have - your life has changed a lot recently. But I think you should take time to reflect on it as calmly as you can, because it is important to him and he's always been clear about it.

How long will it be for? A few years is v different to a permanent or decades long move.
Also, your life would not be you and a one yo for ever, you would make friends - it's easier with a kid as they give you a reason to go out to parks, clubs etc.

Also where you would be moving is a big factor, as a pp said it could be worth going on holiday there to get a feel for it?

Swiftie1878 · 29/07/2025 09:23

Given his clarity on this matter, and your previous agreement to go along with it, I think you have to at least give it a go. It would be very unfair of you to pull the rug from under him now.
If you get there and it’s a horror show, then you discuss and negotiate a return.
Rent out your home rather than selling initially- keep your options open, but give your marriage a chance by at least giving it a good go.

GRex · 29/07/2025 09:25

It doesn't matter what you want or don't want, your DH will need to declare the previous visa rejection and is unlikely to be approved in the current environment. He would be more likely to get there on green card lottery, though that will also meed declaration about the rejection. Unfortunately whether it's previous overstay, or criminal record, or false information (mistake or not) - it's going to be held against him. For him to have any chance it should have been dealt with at the time.

It's also fair enough to not want to move abroad permanently, but it's confusing why you aren't discussing and updating plans with your DH directly. Do you two discuss things normally?

ddfd21 · 29/07/2025 09:27

Don’t go they call it the trailing spouse expat community and frankly it’s full of really lonely women trying to make the best of a crap situation by buying stuff they don’t need for themselves and their kids whilst the husbands are oblivious

Squarestones · 29/07/2025 09:28

Also you don't say how old your baby is, but I'm assuming under one, and I can totally get it's feels impossible to move away from family at this point - it's a rollercoaster time when you have your first child and can feel like things will never be stable again. But to refuse point blank because of your initial emotional response seems quite unfair to him given the length of time he's been working towards this and the length of time you would ideally have ahead you as a family.

What timeframe Is he talking about for the move? Would a longer timeframe make things feel possible?

MauraLabingi · 29/07/2025 09:28

@Squarestones is right of course - you can't take advice on international law from posters on the internet. If OP is seriously considering moving then she should of course seek legal advice from a solicitor experienced in US law.

I also agree that rather than a flat no, OP should engage in proper serious discussions about it, write a pros and cons list together, find out all about visas, employment rights, legal rights for a spouse, etc etc. Then make a decision fully armed with all the info. She needs to show her husband she's taking his wishes seriously, even if her decision is still ultimately no.

Whatshesaid96 · 29/07/2025 09:29

I can see it both ways. I knew a couple (albeit childless) where he wanted to go and live in the US (he was actually dual nationally but British born) and told her when they first got together. She happily and naively agreed at the time. Then it grew into resentment when she started refusing to go, they split and now he is happily in a relationship over there with a young kid.

I don't think you feel unreasonable to feel as you do. However you got with him knowing that the opportunity would arise. I can see why he feels a bit hurt and blindsided. Honestly I think probably bashing this out in couples therapy might be the way forward. You'll at least come out of it knowing how each other properly feels.

Personally I'd be firstly be exploring the option with him to what would happen if it didn't work out there before all else. Could he transfer back to the UK in his current role? If he couldn't then that would be none negotiable for me. Personally with children I'd not want to be living over there. As we all know it's incredibly unstable at the moment and I'd be worried about not being able to return with my child should the relationship break down. Also to bear in mind is that your child won't remember anything different than the states. They will see that as home and if they get settled they could easily put the brakes on you moving back in years to come.

ddfd21 · 29/07/2025 09:29

Squarestones · 29/07/2025 09:18

A genuine question for the posters warning of not being able to leave again, does this apply even if the father is not a US citizen? (Op doesn't say he is)

I don't think you're being unreasonable to react how you have - your life has changed a lot recently. But I think you should take time to reflect on it as calmly as you can, because it is important to him and he's always been clear about it.

How long will it be for? A few years is v different to a permanent or decades long move.
Also, your life would not be you and a one yo for ever, you would make friends - it's easier with a kid as they give you a reason to go out to parks, clubs etc.

Also where you would be moving is a big factor, as a pp said it could be worth going on holiday there to get a feel for it?

Yes it’s the habitual residence argument wherever the child is is the law that’s applied

EnidSpyton · 29/07/2025 09:29

Squarestones · 29/07/2025 09:18

A genuine question for the posters warning of not being able to leave again, does this apply even if the father is not a US citizen? (Op doesn't say he is)

I don't think you're being unreasonable to react how you have - your life has changed a lot recently. But I think you should take time to reflect on it as calmly as you can, because it is important to him and he's always been clear about it.

How long will it be for? A few years is v different to a permanent or decades long move.
Also, your life would not be you and a one yo for ever, you would make friends - it's easier with a kid as they give you a reason to go out to parks, clubs etc.

Also where you would be moving is a big factor, as a pp said it could be worth going on holiday there to get a feel for it?

It depends on the situation and how long the children have been in the country.

The longer you have been in the country, the more likely it is that a court would rule that the children's best interests would be to stay where they are habitually resident. So if the OP's husband said he wanted to stay in the US and he wanted to have custody of the children, a court could say yes to that request as the children were habitually resident in the US, and then the OP would have to apply for a parent visa to stay in the country if she wanted to co parent. And then there would be no guarantee that visa would be granted, and so she may have to go back to the UK without her kids.

In addition, if the OP were to have another child or children while in the US, they would automatically become US citizens, and that would also complicate matters.

Girlintheframe · 29/07/2025 09:34

If this was always his long term goal YABU to change your mind now. Can you make an agreement to go for X amount of years then return or at least have some kind of exit plan?

Nestingbirds · 29/07/2025 09:34

Of course you feel differently now! Having a child is a big deal.
I would say a flat no, and if he wants to divorce then that’s on him. I would assume he didn’t love me very much in the first place.

I would offer to go on holiday and would support a temporary move there when dc goes to university. That would be my final compromise on the matter.

You need to be able to relax, feel secure, work and have a life of your own. Most Americans I know are moving here, not the other way around.

TheWonderhorse · 29/07/2025 09:34

Six years is a long time! Lots of circumstances could change in that period and having children shifts priorities. YANBU.

While he wants to go, you do not, and it's crazy to think that when you were marrying him you were committing to a move abroad at the time of his choosing without question. This is something for you both to have a chat about and see if you can come to an agreement on.

ForeverPombear · 29/07/2025 09:35

Girlintheframe · 29/07/2025 09:34

If this was always his long term goal YABU to change your mind now. Can you make an agreement to go for X amount of years then return or at least have some kind of exit plan?

Nobody is ever unreasonable to change their mind especially when circumstances change.

Squarestones · 29/07/2025 09:35

Thanks @EnidSpyton and @ddfd21 for clarification.
I had thought about that as well with citizenship for subsequent children.

Definitely a hard position to be in OP, as your perspective has changed so much, but I still think you owe your DH to at least consider it in a fair light. If you still feel you can't move at all then at least you and he know that it's based on careful thought not gut reaction

Alacartemenu · 29/07/2025 09:40

IamNotBeingUnreasonable · 29/07/2025 08:38

I wouldn't move to the States right now.
Are you aware that if you go and the marriage fails, you won't be able to return home with your child.

Basically this.

Living somewhere new and feeling isolated is my idea of hell, my mental health would spiral very very quickly.

Leaving yours and your child's support network, and not knowing whether you would be allowed to return with your child, are too risky, and you are entitled to change your mind on something so major.

Nestingbirds · 29/07/2025 09:41

Squarestones · 29/07/2025 09:35

Thanks @EnidSpyton and @ddfd21 for clarification.
I had thought about that as well with citizenship for subsequent children.

Definitely a hard position to be in OP, as your perspective has changed so much, but I still think you owe your DH to at least consider it in a fair light. If you still feel you can't move at all then at least you and he know that it's based on careful thought not gut reaction

Isn’t that just performative though?

Op is very clear about her reasons, which are valid and already well thought out.

Surely the issue here is her dh becoming obsessed over his personal career goals, and not considering either the changing US political landscape or the needs of his baby (security, attachment and early bonding with family members) or his wife. He seems incredibly dogmatic and selfish to me. His career although important should not be his only priority.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 29/07/2025 09:42

The US is a very different place to a few years ago when you said you would move. Things have changed including your mind. What's the point of having a mind if you can't change it when circumstances change? The alternative is madness.

Internaut · 29/07/2025 09:52

If he couldn't get a visa 6 years ago, is he sure he would get one now?

Bestfootforward11 · 29/07/2025 09:54

I really don’t think you’re unreasonable to have changed your mind as your circumstances have changed. I suspect by having a child, your life had changed more than your DH’s so from his perspective, he thinks the move is no big deal with only huge positives, whereas for you it means a loss of a much needed support network. Some posters have mentioned risks re your children if you go but then want to leave, I don’t know how this works but suggest you get some advice on that. I think maybe what it comes down to is being able to discuss things openly with your DH. That you explain your worries and what you think you will find hard. If he’s not able to listen and be supportive and discuss as a team how things could work rather then throw about assertions of how you’ve gone back on things, then I’d be tempted not to agree. You need to know he has your back otherwise going along with things and being miserable there will likely lead to accusations of you being difficult etc. I have to add on a personal level that there is no way I’d move to the US at the current time. Good luck.

Tryingtobepatient001 · 29/07/2025 10:00

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies and great to see different perspectives. The city in question is Boston - I've been a few times and like it as a location. My concerns now are being so far away from friends and family and any support network, and knowing that when we go my husbands focus will be on work, not us.

I did 'agree' to go, however it was always a bit of a pipe dream and after the failed visa in 2019 it was agreed that we would move on with our lives as up until then kids etc had been put on hold. Whilst we never discussed it being off the table, how our lives have been and moved on means I've come to feel very differently since the idea was first floated (and it was always he wanted to go and I said I wasn't against it, rather than it being a shared ambition).

Good to know on the laws should we split over there - I had no idea and definitely something I need to look into.

OP posts:
Dozer · 29/07/2025 10:09

Check out both return to UK alone with DC and your visa for paid work. In meantime assume that you wouldn’t be able to return nor work.

Tryingtobepatient001 · 29/07/2025 10:19

Dozer · 29/07/2025 10:09

Check out both return to UK alone with DC and your visa for paid work. In meantime assume that you wouldn’t be able to return nor work.

Wow really? I had no idea, I presumed we would be ok to come back.

OP posts:
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