To not want to move after saying I would??

[Tryingtobepatient001]

Morning Mumsnet community,

Would love a bit of advice or perspective here.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and in that time he's nearly always wanted to move to the US for work - his company's head office is there and for his career he is best to get promoted if he's there. They tried to move him in 2019 but the visa was rejected.

Fast forward 6 years and we're now married, have built a really nice life for ourselves and recently had a little boy. I've found it tougher than I thought I would and my friends and family have been massive support since husband has gone back to work.

Last week husband had his appraisal and was told they wanted to promote him and they could start the visa procedure. He told me this after his call and although they said he could take time to think about it, I'm pretty certain that he said yes we would be up for it. As soon as he told me I burst into tears as I realised I just don't want to move.

Here we have friends and my family, a gorgeous house and very comfortable lifestyle. If we move he will get a good payrise but I'm unsure if I'll work (can't for the first 6 months) - if I do it'll mean I'll have to put my LO into childcare and miss out on a lot due to long US work hours, but if I don't my life will be me and a one year old every day.

Husband doesn't seem to be able to see my perspective and said we've always said we would do this so I'm back tracking now. He also insinuated that if he knew I wouldn't go he wouldn't have married me/had a child. His career has always been really important to him and it's clear it's priority over what I want.

I don't know what to do. Husband is being pretty adamant that this is happening. So I either don't go and risk splitting up our family, or go and risk being really unhappy and lonely.

AiBU to change my mind on something now it's happening??

Don’t go.

Yep. Should have been discussed again years ago. His disappointment will be huge and the relationship will likely not recover. She is telling him to change the whole trajectory of his life and ambitions, despite having previously agreed to this.

She can certainly say no, but yeah, it is unreasonable.

But op wants to continue living and working here in the UK and provide for her family, where she has an established career and husband is riding roughshod over that.

It could be the most beautiful house in the world but what's the point if op is miserable?!

Hi Op

i made the same move from the UK to Boston almost a year ago now. We came over with my husbands job and I have had a visa from the beginning which allows me to work. I have a good job here and earn more than I did in the UK. There are lots of good things in this area of the US but there are of course things I miss about home.

Obviously you have lots to think about but if you have any questions about the process of moving or what life is like in Boston please do reach out.

My friend had to quit her job and move back to the UK after her another part of our company moved her US 'temporarily', then refused multiple requests to move her back after 7 months as promised.
She was incredibly isolated and couldn't go out after dark due to being harassed constantly. Manager on the US side would sneer at her an belittle her over using British rather than American spellings on occasion.
So eventually over a year into her temporary stay, she quit & left the company in a skill vacuum and a good time later they've still not been able to replace her.
She packed up, caught first cheap flight to Liverpool, and was picked up by a relative who put her up until she could find somewhere to stay back here in London.
Fortunately her skills were in demand and she got snapped up by another tech firm very quickly. This was after previous employer said she'd never work in the field again lol.

Particularly at the moment the US is a horrible and unstable place to be. I wouldn't go there even for a £400K+ salary to be completely honest! I know it's hard but I seriously consider splitting with my husband/partner in this situation just for the sake of my mental health.
There's a good reason a lot of US citizens are leaving the USA for UK, Europe and elsewhere. The sheer amount of UD expats posting videos on YouTube about why they left should ring alarm bells for anyone!
Hope you resolve this somehow.

I think you need to go for a year or let him go for a year and then reassess. If you don't he will resent you and it will be the likely end of your relationship.

I was a "trailing spouse" and used the opportunity to become a writer. But that's because it was what I'd always wanted to do, and I was very lucky to make a success of it. Lots of people don't.

I certainly wouldn't recommend the OP giving up their home to move to the US with this man for many, many reasons.

In my opinion, they would be best splitting up, and he can do as he wishes.

A month ago he was voicing that he was uncertain, but now it's a dealbreaker if you don't agree to go with him? This is really unreasonable and you'd be mad to consider it unless you were also really enthusiastic, but terrified? No way.

He sounds already successful in his career. What more is he trying to acheive to provide for them, that he hasn't been able to already by moving to the states, particularly if this will seperate OP and DC from their support network and family?

I agree.
I'm sure you must have known that this being his career goal wasn't going to change when you had children. He just feels like you've strung him along. Got what you want in terms of family and now saying no to what he wanted.

Absolutely agree with this

Clearly you have never had children and can’t understand the seismic shift that happens when they arrive.

Nor the risk of separation if she needs to come back and legally can not bring her baby home. You seem very ill informed if you can’t see the legal risks of moving internationally with a very young child. it’s very different from a stint as a young couple. His ‘wants’ and ‘career goals’ are secondary to the child’s well being and safety.

I think it’s v unfair to DH who has presumably stayed within this company and worked towards this ambition of moving for you to not have given any indication that the plan has changed.

Neither of you are approaching these discussions sensibly and as PPs have said by doing the sums on it holistically. You need to work through a full budget and pros and cons list with realistic figures on taxes etc.

Are there options for DH to cover that market from Uk and supplement with additional overseas biz trips? Could he do a work placement year or two over there to get a sense of the reality (retaining residency in uk)? Does DH have options to shift his focus back to Uk/eu markets? He will absolutely need some other progression outlet if a move is off the cards.

I really think you both need to have a sensible conversation around this as the resentment towards his loss of opportunity will fester. (I’m fully aware he’s gained a partner and a child, but op says career is important to him and this is something he’s long worked for - he will need something to show his ambition isn’t fully derailed or each annual review he’s likely to just assume it’d be better if we were in the US…).

My 5 year old child would disagree that I have never had children.
Why would I be well informed of legal risk of moving abroad? Is that a criteria to comment on this thread?
My point still stands, it will have been clear as day what her partner's goal in life was. They should have gotten on the same page long ago, she said yes to his plans with little thought of how her own opinion might change and now that is apparently his fault
Ironic how different this thread would be if roles were reversed.

He's already providing for them just fine where they are. They are comfortable, financially, physically, and socially, here. He is clearly highly employable in The UK. Not sure he's providing a lot more but that's another issue. The thing here is that he's actually proposing proposing to remove the social comfort bit so - nope.

Agree.

Yep.

I’m not at all sympathetic to the posters arguing the DH’s “career goal” should be the top factor in this.

Seriously, it’s hardly a lifelong ambition to work in the Boston office of some American cooperation so he can climb higher up the greasy pole of corporate America. It’s not like he dreamt of being an explorer or niche scientist or war reporter - something that would oblige moving to a certain location.

I doubt it’s a childhood dream either. This big lofty ambition probably only started when he joined said corporation as a young associate in his twenties.

If it’s literally just corporate desk work behind a computer and in a board room he can do it anywhere, including in the Uk. Therefore it’s just about money. Therefore he’s not a keeper if money is more important to him than his family, his wife and newborn son. LTB

You really have to think about this. 9 weeks is nothing. The stress kids put on relationships is intense. After 4 years I'm still not sure ours has recovered. I also live abroad and it was a huge consideration for me before having kids.

I had to be totally comfortable that I would not be be able to move overseas if we broke up without his permission (which I'd be very unlikely to get). As you don't even want to move its very likely your resentment would make it a miserable experience for both of you.

Can he go by himself as he might hate it. He’s looking like it’s the best thing ever but Trump might not even give him a visa.

Doesn’t sound like he’s much help at home so let him move and you stay home with your family. That way you can’t be blamed for blocking his career development.
military partners may not see their partner for months on end and manage as single parents.

We did this - moved to Michigan in 2019 for DH work. I wanted it more than DH if I’m honest. I have a strong career in marketing management and planned to work after the 6 month work permit came through. But the reality is that I couldn’t even get interviews, I had to get DH to get me a phone in his name because I couldn’t get one myself, and I had to sign all the equity from the sale of our UK home over to him to buy one in the US without my name on it because my visa as the trailing spouse and lack of job worked against us on mortgage.

the reality of our life in the US was DH working much longer hours, more stress, significantly less holiday (15 days) which meant coming back and seeing family was harder than I thought. Obviously we got stuck there during Covid and saw no family for over a year. Now that’s unlikely to ever happen again, but tourists visiting are being given a really hard time now trying to come in as well.

we ran (not walked) in summer 2021 back to the UK. You could not pay me enough to go back, I felt my independence stripped away and our marriage definitely creeked.

advice wise I would suggest if you did go that you consider becoming a SAHM, it’s a strong possibility anyway because good jobs are hard to get on a temporary work permit. Think carefully!

@Pherian
Ah yes, that type of 'caring' where you want your spouse to be put in a position where they might not be able to work and have their own money, where they might be permanently stuck if you break up because you could keep their child there against their consent.
The type of caring where you already earn six figures and have a very comfortable life but HAVE to further your career at your partners expense to 'provide' (provide fucking what??)... especially when your partner has their own good career too so providing isnt an issue...
The type of caring where in OPs own words, he already cant switch off after work so she ends up doing most of the afternoon and evening childcare.
The type of caring where you know your partner has struggled with adjusting to parenthood but has got a really good support system here, but you want to take them away from that?
The type of caring where you put your career over your family? That lie may have worked for hundreds of years but women are actually waking up to the fact now that men who sacrifice family to 'provide' are full of shit.

As an aside, the idea from a couple of posters that OP could give it a go and make money from learning something creative and setting up a business is unrealistic - putting it more mildly than I’d like to!

Besides, OP has said that her jobs have been well paid.

It sounds like you’re on mat leave: if that’s the case, great, return to work after it! H has shown himself to be a risk so isn’t a safe H to be a SAHM with.

You also mention that his parenting since returning after paternity leave has been poor: it’s not just about ‘support’ of you, it’s parenting - he became a parent too. Fathers can work hard and seek progression and be good parents and partners.

You will divorce either way. Maybe not next year. But eventually, you will. I say this from own bitter experience (your DH perspective). It's problematic because neither of you is wrong but neither is right either. You are not compatible anymore.