To not want to move after saying I would??

[Tryingtobepatient001]

Morning Mumsnet community,

Would love a bit of advice or perspective here.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and in that time he's nearly always wanted to move to the US for work - his company's head office is there and for his career he is best to get promoted if he's there. They tried to move him in 2019 but the visa was rejected.

Fast forward 6 years and we're now married, have built a really nice life for ourselves and recently had a little boy. I've found it tougher than I thought I would and my friends and family have been massive support since husband has gone back to work.

Last week husband had his appraisal and was told they wanted to promote him and they could start the visa procedure. He told me this after his call and although they said he could take time to think about it, I'm pretty certain that he said yes we would be up for it. As soon as he told me I burst into tears as I realised I just don't want to move.

Here we have friends and my family, a gorgeous house and very comfortable lifestyle. If we move he will get a good payrise but I'm unsure if I'll work (can't for the first 6 months) - if I do it'll mean I'll have to put my LO into childcare and miss out on a lot due to long US work hours, but if I don't my life will be me and a one year old every day.

Husband doesn't seem to be able to see my perspective and said we've always said we would do this so I'm back tracking now. He also insinuated that if he knew I wouldn't go he wouldn't have married me/had a child. His career has always been really important to him and it's clear it's priority over what I want.

I don't know what to do. Husband is being pretty adamant that this is happening. So I either don't go and risk splitting up our family, or go and risk being really unhappy and lonely.

AiBU to change my mind on something now it's happening??

I would rather break up the family than be miserable in a situation where you have no support. Children do better if the mother is happy.

What did your husband suspect, that having a child would change nothing? How involved is he in the care of his own son? Has his life been impacted by fatherhood at all? If not, then I can see why he thinks that immigrating would be no big deal.

He was great for the first month whilst off on paternity leave and I hoped had reevaluated things a little - he even said having our son put everything into perspective and made him realise what was important. But now he's back at work it's like he's gone straight back into prioritising that, he can't switch off when he gets home which means I'm left looking after the baby all day and most of the evening. My worry is that with a promotion and more to prove over there I'll have even less support from him, but also have no immediate network to help. I'm sure in time I'll meet people and make friends, but it's never the same as life long friends or family.

I haven't reascted in the best way and I know I should have said I have concerns rather than just saying I didn't want to go, but after him saying he wouldn't have progressed ohr relationship if he knew I'd say that I don't want to go I feel like I just can't trust him now. There's been no discussion of other options - it's just 'you'll like it when we get there, this is an opportunity we can't turn down, give it a chance' talk.

I honestly don't know what to do now. To be totally honest it's like I've fallen out of love with him overnight because of how unsupportive and cold he's been, and now I don't know if there's even any way back from this...

In answer to previous questions on the visa- last time they tried to move him over on a management visa but he didn't have enough experience. Now he would be going at a much more senior level (after being more senior in the last 6 years) so the business seems pretty confident. Less junior people have gone recently so I don't see why it wouldn't be approved (although I'm praying it gets rejected!!)

My husband hasn't done the maths or thought anything through properly at all. He earns a really good salary here - nearly 6 figures - and when I'm working I also earn decent money, so the offer would have to be pretty huge to see us have the same standard of life. He seems to think US = amazing way of life and I'm just not convinced that's the case. It's also interesting that one of his colleagues went a few years ago with his family, they ended up splitting up but she never came back. Now I know why!!

@Tryingtobepatient001 where is the US office?

It's all about him, isn't it?
Unfortunately that's not how it works for parents.

I would be very wary of going, for all the reasons already covered.

He could have called you and said "I know this is terrible timing and we thought it wasn't going to be an option, but..., what do you think? Obviously we'll need to discuss this as a family..."
He could have acknowledged that this is not the right time to make these massive decisions. The fact that he's left newborn mode behind and happily gone back into work mode so quickly doesn't suggest that family life is his priority. It's good that you've been clear that you aren't interested in emigrating and you can't think about this while going through a major life change.

You could suggest that he go ahead with the application on the basis that he'll go alone to set himself up and you can review things once you know more/ in a year or whenever.

This will put you off going totally.

https://www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/stowe-support/international-divorce-how-easy-is-it-to-bring-your-child-back-to-the-uk/

OP, would it help for you to make a list of the pros and cons as you see them and ask him to do the same? You’ve been given lots of thoughts and pointers here. He should be able to do the same if he has such a senior position and hoping for progression.

Then sit together and actually talk through your lists, see what can be crossed off and what remains.If you can’t reach a compromise then you can’t but you both probably need to see each other’s points of view.Digging heels in never gets anyone anywhere.

I couldn't be with someone who prioritised their career like this.

Also, I would never ever put myself in a position where I couldn't extricate myself and my children and return to the UK if I needed to, for example if the relationship broke down.

@Tryingtobepatient001 is any man's ambition more important than your and dc wellbeing, your support network, your own work opportunities? Your mental health? I would never sacrifice any of that for a man. And he doesn't sound particularly supportive or even very nice.
He would 100% leave everything to you dc and home related, as he does already in the UK.

It is a good and reasonable idea in principle, but that doesn't sound like it would be legally binding on either side of the ocean, so you'd need to check with a good lawyer before you go.

You hold all the cards before you go.

But few afterwards.

None afterwards, actually. 😖

Any creative skill can now be turned into a business using online marketplaces. To name some more obscure examples - pebble pictures where the pebble forms part of the picture, deliberately poor quality portraits of pets, niche dollhouse items like minuscule gravestones for a gothic mansion. Anything and everything and it could be done from anywhere

Don't go.

If your relationship does not work out you will be trapped there due to the kids. I've spoken to women in this situation and its hell. Some are eventually able to leave with the kids after a long legal battle. Others are not.

It does suck for your husband if this was the expectation but you are entitled to change your mind. You are under no obligation to screw over your life to better his.

Sadly I agree wth @Alacartemenu . He's already shown how invested he is in his family, by leaving everything to do with baby care and home care up to you.
In a brand new job in a new country where he's trying to prove himself, I'm not sure he'd be making many concessions.

Also.. the lack of discussion.. its basically been, they've offered me this now its time to keep your promise. Even though things have changed since you said you'd consider it. It's like he's saying its my way or the highway..
I didn't realise your baby was still so young either..

I also noted your comment
"how unsupportive and cold he's been, and now I don't know if there's even any way back from this..."

He's not meeting you halfway at all. Just expecting you to get on with it.. On top of the nasty comment about never having got married or have a child with you if he'd known you wouldn't move.

I wouldn't want to be stuck in another country with someone who is behaving cold and unsupportive when you've just had a your first child...You have a good job/good salary, you are doing all the childcare, you have friends and family.
You would be giving up far more than he is, but he just doesn't seem to get that.

There is some really really good advice on this thread.

We did exactly what your husband is proposing (but very different circumstances, we're American and were moving back to Boston after 20 years in the UK, and we were both 100% on board) - I love the area, the schools, the lifestyle, and wouldn't change it for the world. I'd never go back to the UK.

But definitely look into your work visa/options and most importantly the ability to return home with your child without him if it came to it - I'll leave others more knowledgeable than me to comment on that. You'll be very bored if you can't ever work here...Every single woman I know works.

What I would say is check the package on offer to you with a very fine tooth comb - health insurance, relocation costs, are they paying your rent for a year?, flights home etc and most importantly your husband's salary. You need a LOT LOT LOT more than his existing nearly-6 figure salary to live on out here, especially if you are not earning.

the perfect summary from @Jamaicanmoon

"It does suck for your husband if this was the expectation but you are entitled to change your mind. You are under no obligation to screw over your life to better his."

I think the main thing here is your relationship with your husband... Do you trust/respect one another? If you know that your DH has your back, regardless, then you wouldn't be worrying about the status of your relationship once out there. Or are you concerned that your marriage will potentially break down in the foreseeable? Is he?

At one stage it looked as if I'd have to move as a trailing spouse with 2 small DC. The advice I was given was that the package should provide double his salary in $ so if your DH earns £100k it would be $200k, plus my sacrificed salary plus healthcare, school fees for a British school, flights home, a years rent on an equivalent property so we had time to sell/organise a rental here plus a upfront legal advice for us to review the package. The package was not near enough so we declined on the grounds that it was not an effective promotion.

OP, if your marriage is on the rocks, the last place you go is somewhere where you will be at his mercy.

Words mean NOTHING.
Actions are what count.
He has handed the care of the baby over to you.
What exactly do you think it would be like witb him trying to impress in a new office.

I lived on a couple of continents with my husband as an expat, saw it all.

Marriages fall apart so often.

Tell him go on his own.
Divorce would be better than getting stuck.
You will grow to loathe him if you are stuck over there while he builds his career.

Not a chance I would want my daughters to fall for it.
Don't be manipulated by him.

He also insinuated that if he knew I wouldn't go he wouldn't have married me/had a child

I sympathised with both of you until I read that. Now I think he’s an arsehole. If you’d known your marriage and family was yours solely on the condition that you fully committed to give up everything else for his job, would you have married him? If he didn’t make it clear that there was no way you could change your mind about that then he should have. Let him go alone. If you find you being without him is worse than leaving your home would be you could join him. If you are anywhere near as important to him as his job is, he should be grateful for that

This is quite odd if his HR team fluffed this, usually there would be no application until the required time passed and then specialist experience is cited as "delivered project X so has unique knowledge to bring to the team". If questions are asked then they just submit extra documents to answer the points, not leave it for 6 years.

Seek legal advice because any agreement between you may mean nothing, if he changed his mind, and refused you leave to take his child out of the country.

Also he wouldn't have married you and had a child with you if he knew you might not go to the US?

You really want to hand over control of the next 18 years of your life to an arsehole like that?

Not a chance in hell I'd go, as you are both on rocky ground now.

Hm... OK, thanks.

I'd be very reluctant to leave any job path where experience has some value to try to become pebble picture artist - it just feels as something anyone can easily copy, and the market can easily get saturated. It seems to me that any real commercial success there is more luck and marketing than skill.

Sounds like you are effectively a single parent already and would be more so over there. He will be dedicating himself even more than currently to his career to prove himself. Probably socialising/going in work trips with colleagues while you would have no support network..

While Boston is nice and not some god forsaken christofascist shithole like other parts, the USA is heading in a dark direction which would really put me off.

The there's the school shooter drills and all that.

Worst of all though, is him effectively saying that if he's known you weren't going to join him in putting his career first ahead of you and the baby, he'd not have married you. He's already set his priorities and you ain't it.

Chose accordingly.

Imagine you moved there, got pregnant again and God forbid had a miscarriage or a problematic pregnancy - depending on where you lived you could be left to die untreated due to their religious fanaticism overriding your right to healthcare, leaving your child motherless with that career obsessed arsehole.